Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion

Last night Real Housewives Of New Jersey got in the wayback machine to travel back in time to give new spins on the same old past. They covered all the classics: Kim D, Posche Fashion Shows (1, 2, & 3), Danielle Staub, Strippergate, Ashlee Holmes, Teresa Giudice‘s fraud case, The Manzo family feud, The Gorgadice family feud, and whose hubby is cheating on whom.

I think Siggy Flicker cried once or twice. Just for some variety.

I don’t know if someone put fire ants in Tereas’s Spanx, or what, but she was on a tear last night. She was right back in the season four reunion, anger brimming over and making a big mess. She certainly let her zen slip, didn’t she?

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Jacqueline Laurita unleashed the beast. Or maybe Jacqueline is the beast?

These two are a mess. A total and utter mess. If Teresa truly believes Jacqueline (and/or maybe Caroline Manzo) “set her up” by notifying the IRS about what Juicy was doing with their finances, why on earth would she ever even pretend to forgive Jacqueline? Why even bother entertaining a friendship? Is this new information she’s recently uncovered or learned about? “It felt good to get that off my chest,” Teresa exclaims, following the outrageous accusation. Err, that’s good, I guess.

The reunion actually began with Teresa simply not understanding why it’s inappropriate for her to waltz out of prison for financial fraud and hop into a brand new Lexus. Not just a Lexus, but a Lexus Christmas commercial – big red bow and all! Teresa doesn’t believe she owes anyone explanation because she paid her restitution. “Would you drive a Ford,” she argues with Andy. Exactly what is wrong with a Ford? Somebody? Anybody?

I personally would rather drive a Ford than sit my ass in a prison cell, but apparently my priorities are not Jersified. Jacqueline snarks that she is a saver not a spender, except I don’t see her Range Rover being traded in for a Honda despite almost losing her home a time or two! Seriously, Lexus needs to revoke that car and make Teresa ride her high falutin’ ass in a bright orange Toyota. Siggy can customize a personalized license plate. Perhaps, “Felón!” would work? Or “Rich Bitch?”

Teresa

Teresa – everyone knows you owe millions. The jig is up. Yoga is not about namast’ay my ass in a luxury car, it’s about finding zen in things beyond materialism and finding purpose inside yourself. I want a fancy car too (OK, no I don’t, cause I’d rather have shoes) but I can’t afford it. And I would rather be at home with my children than defraud creditors to get those things. I hope this was just a snafu in Teresa’s road to reality, a road that should be paved by LEGOs instead of imaginary gold bricks!

Shockingly, we also learn that Juicy NEVER GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL. Teresa revealed he finished his GED in prison. So, Teresa went to college, yet she let her husband, who dropped out of high school, manage the family finances and she never even bothered to check in? Like, Hi – was it an accident that you put those three extra 000’s on the end of that mortgage application?

Will the revelations never cease?

What I found refreshing however is Teresa finally calling Jacqueline out on her shifting of realities concerning her own bankruptcy. Jacqueline wanted to talk facts, so let’s!

No, Jacqueline and Chris did not file personal bankruptcy, but Signature Apparel, the company Chris once owned with his brothers, did. That bankruptcy is currently being contested by the trustee under allegations of fraud. Specifically, JACQUELINE and CHRIS (and the other family members involved) are accused of misappropriating company funds, taking millions to spend on personal usage – like the $500,000 Teresa mentioned on Chris gambling, then claiming the company was failing and filing bankruptcy. Unfortunately the gross earnings showed that company was actually making a profit. Lauritas et al are reportedly unable to prove to the trustee where the money went, and although they offered a settlement, it was turned down. You can read all about it here.

Conveniently, Jacqueline is able to deny they did anything wrong because they have not formally been charged. The case is still in the discovery process with the bankruptcy court of appeals, but the governing board of trustees officially contested the filing, citing suspicious behaviors, and the presiding judge has agreed. So the case is currently in legal purgatory. Corporate bankruptcies take a lot longer to settle than personal ones.

What I have an issue with is Andy specifically pretending there is no such legal action going on against Jacqueline, and not saying BOO to her calling Teresa a criminal and shrieking “FRAUD” and “you went to jail for lying” every 15 seconds. To quote Teresa, ‘Um, no, Honey.” Andy should at least mention the case. I’m sure he’s aware it exists.

rhonj-reunion-jacqueline

But this is Jacqueline’s MO. To deflect from her own misbehavior by being the squeakiest wheel, wobbling the most, and causing the most trouble. She’s like the grocery cart with the f–ked up wheel that makes the cart impossible to push. Yet, when you look, nothing appears to be that wrong, so you keep pushing, hoping it will sort itself out. Until, you’re so annoyed you can’t take it, but the cart is already half full of stuff and you’re too lazy to deal anymore so you just rush through the rest of the shopping in irritation trying to ignore the wheel. Yes, that is what Jacqueline is like.

Not that Teresa is any better. She’s like getting a basket, then realizing you need way more stuff than you thought and having to lug a super heavy basket through the store.

Andy questions Teresa and Melissa Gorga about their reconciliation. They don’t seem to have an answer for what changed, they’re just happy to have moved on. Fine by me. Fine by all of us. Not fine by Jacqueline, who keeps muttering under her breath about the times Teresa or Melissa is guilty of an infraction.

Jacqueline even mumbles “sprinkle cookies.” YES! She brought that up! YES! Teresa rambles some explanation I don’t even care to mention – I’m still stuck on who the hell would throw away perfectly good cookies?! I’m no fan of my sister-in-law either, but if she brought me bakery cookies, I’d still eat them. Maybe Teresa, or the mysterious family member who suddenly appeared to toss the cookies in the trash, thought Melissa slipped some Ex-Lax in them?

Melissa

Not to sound like Siggy – but, sometimes to move on, you have to agree to move away from discussing the issues.

But seriously! WHY is Jacqueline so concerned with Teresa and Melissa’s family business?! Melissa asks this – a reasonable question I was eagerly looking forward to hearing an answer about – but then, suddenly, editing weirdly and wonkily had us talking about strippergate. Huh? What got cut out?!

Because Melissa had a good point – why is Jacqueline so obsessed with the checks and balances of Teresa and Melissa‘s relationship? Exactly what is it to her? It is obsessive and creepy. Especially when Jacqueline’s own family is a hot mess!

Both Teresa and Melissa believe Jacqueline was involved in setting Melissa up in strippergate. Namely because Kim D is Jacqueline’s bestie. Melissa found it suspicious that Jacqueline skipped the season 3 reunion – suspiciously guilty, that is. I’ve always agreed with her there.

Jacqueline blames Nicholas‘ autism for bailing. Teresa blames Jacqueline’s secret stripper past, code name “Amina” or “Amanda” or “Armada”. Teresa claims Dolores Catania knows this, but Dolores is too busy inspecting her butt implant to get involved in any messiness.

Even Dolores used to dislike Jacqueline. That was back in the day when Dolores was friends with Dina Manzo. Dina and Dolores no longer speak. Now, Dolores is very good good friends with Caroline, but she has no idea if that’s the reason Dina keeps her distance. Jacqueline claims she’s at peace with Dina – which is only possible because Dina moved to California and stopped speaking to Jacqueline. Teresa and Dina are still close friends. Oh what a tangled web we weave.

Also, Ashlee, the devoted new mother, apparently spends all her time hate-tweeting about Melissa and Teresa. She compared Teresa to an ape. She’s Jacqueline‘s good lil soldier, isn’t she? Teresa did a twirl to prove her origin of species. Yoga certainly transformed Tre‘s body – too bad it has not gotten to her mind yet.

Poison

Jacqueline complains that Gia, 15, also made a rude tweet. Gia’s tweet was about hurtful people and was not aimed at anyone specifically, simply implying Jacqueline, who is way too invested in the Gorgadice drama. Gia’s tweet was in no way name-calling or catty. So Jacqueline expects Gia to be more mature than Ashlee? That speaks volumes. Anyone remember when Caroline and Jacqueline cornered Gia in the basement and yelled at her? Awful.

Getting away from the trifecta of terror, Siggy reveals that she had fibroids, the universal health problem of Real Housewives everywhere, and she had an early hysterectomy. Her son Josh is good friends with Dolores‘ son Frankie. They want to them both to go to college in Miami where these two dorky geeks will do nothing but study…the female anatomy. I admire their optimism.

My most favorite moment of the night came when Siggy compared herself to Milania. “I am Milania,” she told a delighted Andy Cohen. “Milania is me.” Is Milania OK with such comparisons? Isn’t that also like saying Siggy is Juicy, and Juicy is Siggy, since Milania is always compared to Juicy? Is it worse to be “Siggy” or “Juicy”? #LEAVEMILANIABE

Other disgusting revelations: Poison lost his virginity at age 9. Teresa walked in on the sexy times and spent the rest of Poison’s childhood threatening to tell their parents if he didn’t do everything she said. Suddenly Teresa’s dislike of Melissa makes so much sense – Poison went from being Teresa’s slave, to being Melissa’s! That is gross, and I feel bad for Poison. I don’t find it funny.

Andy is confused about why Siggy was able to ask Teresa about tabloid rumors when Teresa effectively ended her friendship with Jacqueline over a similar thing. Teresa’s answer is that Jacqueline was her good friend. Andy doesn’t get it – I do.

Teresa and Jacqueline

Teresa had asked Jacqueline to not bring up the legal case on the show, and instead of respecting her, Jacqueline tried to corner Teresa on the deck, pretending she didn’t know anything about the case hoping Teresa would admit something. I mean, it’s just messy! Especially since Teresa never brought up Jacqueline’s legal issues. And yes, Jacqueline had them – even though she keeps protesting that she didn’t file fraudulent bankruptcy. Jacqueline was still in foreclosure, battling a massive IRS lien, and also undergoing the business bankruptcy. Ergo: LEGAL ISSUES.

Teresa also blames Jacqueline for selling tabloid stories about her legal situation – something Jacqueline denies. I believe that, though. “You needed money!” Teresa squawks.

Apparently, Chris cheated on Jacqueline. Oh, and apparently Jacqueline called the IRS on Teresa? Jacqueline resoundingly denies this but Teresa “knows it” and “feels it” in her heart that it’s true that Jacqueline was involved in her being turned in.

Andy

Well, hmmm… that’s something!

rhonj-siggy-dolores

To open mouths abound – even Andy’s; even Poison’sTeresa repeats this allegation.

Look Teresa, true or not, gotta take responsibility for yourself and your own actions. If Jacqueline was involved, that is shitty beyond measure, especially given what she and Chris were allegedly up to with Signature Apparel, but the spending and the defrauding was still your and Juicy’s doing. As Teresa herself said last night, she pleaded guilty. So, she admits, on some level, she broke the law, now she has to EMOTIONALLY hold herself responsible. Which means not pointing fingers about who made her get ‘caught.’

RELATED – Caroline Says Teresa Made Jacqueline Crazy!

It’s assumed that someone closely connected to the Giudices either turned them in and/or corroborated with prosecutors to help build the fraud case. That person or persons retained anonymity. The widely-circulated rumor has been that a so-called former friend of Caroline’s (who also know Kim G and Kim D) was somehow involved in the investigation of the Giudices and was being fed incriminating information from a closer source. Who knows…

Jacqueline is spiteful and disconnected from reality, but would she really do that to Teresa, the woman she claims to love? They have a seriously toxic relationship that is just beyond bizarre. Especially Jacqueline’s obsessive interest in the goings-on of Teresa (and her relationship with Melissa), but I dunno… seems like a stretch!

TELL US – IS IT OK IF TERESA DRIVES A LEXUS? DO YOU THINK JACQUELINE WAS INVOLVED IN TERESA GETTING CAUGHT?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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