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We’ve arrived! The season finale of Southern Charm was last night, and it didn’t disappoint, but I guess that’s what happens in Bizarro World. The episode begins with the crew continuing their trip in Key West to celebrate Cameran Eubanks‘ birthday. The girls and boys have separated to enjoy a spa day and jet skiing excursion, respectively. Craig Conover hopes to make peace with girlfriend Naomie Olindo, but she’s heading out of town early with Jennifer Snowden, citing his disrespectful behavior at the dinner that seemingly brought archenemies Kathryn Dennis and Landon Clements a wee bit closer. After reconciling his friendship with Shep Rose, Austen Kroll and Chelsea Meissner are working on their undefined relationship by para-sailing.

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Kathryn joins the girls for massages, and Danni and Elizabeth are questioning her about her truce with Landon. Kathryn is treading lightly as she doesn’t believe Landon’s sincerity. Elizabeth cites Landon’s negativity towards Kathryn earlier on the beach, but Danni counters that Landon stood up for Kathryn against Thomas Ravenel when she didn’t need to say a word. Danni was shocked at Landon’s change of heart, but Elizabeth cautions Kathryn to be wary of whether Landon is genuine. By the pool, Cameran commends Landon for sticking up for Kathryn, and Landon concurs that she felt bad seeing T-Rav’s bullying ways. While Landon doesn’t want to be besties (or even friends!) with Kathryn, she also doesn’t want a man who tries to make his children’s mother jealous of an underage relative of their nanny.

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That evening, the majority of the group heads out for dinner and bar hopping, and Kathryn is wearing a dress that she hopes will make Thomas remember the good ol’ days (did they have good ol’ days?). She pulls him aside to calmly voice her concerns about the nanny, assuring him that she’s in a better place and ready to mediate an agreement that will be in the best interests of Kensie and Saint. Thomas agrees with Kathryn, but he’s not convinced she’s made a complete one-eighty. As Kathryn heads back inside, Danni whispers to Elizabeth and Whitney Sudler-Smith that she doesn’t feel well before falling to the floor. It’s incredibly frightening as her friends gather around, calling 911 and trying to revive her. EMS workers arrive and rush her lifeless body to an ambulance as Thomas assures them that this incident isn’t alcohol related.

The dinner stragglers–JD, Shep, Landon, and Austen–are cruising around the city on mopeds when JD receives a call from Elizabeth about Danni’s collapse. When they get to the restaurant, Cameran announces that Danni has texted she’s doing better but is embarrassed. She was just incredibly dehydrated. Everyone is relieved at this news, and Cameran reads a text from Danni’s fiancee which states Danni was either dehydrated or love sick. As they navigate the dinner seating chart, T-Rav snarks that he wants to be as far away from Landon as possible. Instead of being angry, Landon is a bit grateful for his nastiness…it gives her yet another reason to distance herself from the aging Lothario. Craig inquires whether Whitney would rather give up oral sex or cheese for the rest of his life because this is normal dinner conversation if you’re Craig. Um, duh! Whitney is lactose intolerant if need be. Not Craig–he’s over girls and in love with dairy. Craig then gifts Cameran with his embroidered onesie which is a huge hit.

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The following morning, Shep is still wasted, and Cameran urges him to sober up before getting on the plane. Good luck with that! Cameran pulls Craig aside to lecture him for the way he speaks to Naomie in public. Craig doesn’t disagree, but he reveals to Cameran that while he may blow up around their friends, Naomie is hateful to him behind closed doors. He sheepishly admits that he was disappointed that Naomie left without telling him good-bye, but Craig had a lot more fun after they left. Cameran hopes they will learn to better communicate. Perhaps they need a new therapist? Shep interrupts with beer and sneezes, berating and praising Craig in one slurred sentence. The TSA alert will be high with this one!

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Back in Charleston, T-Rav checks in with JD, and both are suffering from major hangovers. JD shares that Craig and Shep missed their connecting flight due to a beer run. Thomas discusses how well he interacted with Kathryn while complaining about how Landon switched teams unexpectedly. Landon hates Kathryn, and she should have had Thomas’ back, right? JD concurs. His lady should always be on his side. T-Rav is adamant that she’s lost any privilege of ever dating him again. Yikes! What a harsh punishment. Perhaps he needs to resume Facebook messaging my former 24-year-old co-worker he’d never met. Just a thought…Across town, Landon is rehashing the same events to her sister and laughs at Thomas texting her quotes from Pride and Prejudice. Really? I don’t know whether to be impressed or sad. Landon finds it hysterical. She tells her sister she sees a lot of her ex-husband in Kathryn. He’s incredibly controlling. She recognizes that Kathryn wasn’t jealous the nanny’s daughter had the kids, she was understandably upset that she didn’t have time with her babies. In Landon’s mind, she’s dodged a bullet.

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Naomie and Kathryn meet for lunch to chat about the state of Craig and Naomie’s relationship. Naomie recognizes that Kathryn knows Craig very well, and she’s happy to talk about their issues with her. Kathryn believes that Craig has been so beaten down by his inability to move forward with his law career that he’s overcompensating now. Naomie agrees and admits that she has harbored underlying resentment towards Craig because she inadvertently helped him lie about taking the bar. She further asserts that she can be pretty mean to him behind closed doors in an effort to punish him for putting her in this predicament. It’s an honest chat, and I’m so confused by all of these mature conversations. What the hell, Andy Cohen? Your script writers need a raise!

Cameran’s mother comes over to see how Kathryn’s zen/guestroom/voodoo doll sanctuary is coming along, and Cameran admits to her mom that she’s tossed her birth control. Her mother Bonnie is over the moon, especially after seeing Craig’s onesie. It’s the gift that keeps on giving for sure! Bonnie reveals that she never envisioned having children, but she gets emotional when regaling in the feelings she got when she had her babies. She feels confident that Cameran will feel the same.

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In Mount Pleasant, Craig and Naomie haven’t mentioned her premature departure. She meekly quizzes him about bar review before offering a heartfelt apology where she owns up to her part in their arguments. Craig isn’t about to let her off the hook so easily, so of course I’m yelling at the television warning Craig to shut the eff up! He contributed too! As Naomie continues her apology tour, Craig reminds her of how emasculated he felt. She stands firm with her commitment to be his teammate without stating that he isn’t perfect either (which I totes would have done). This scene’s bigger person award goes to Naomie, without a doubt.

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Kathryn stops by T-Rav’s house, and she offers him a flower as a metaphor for their blossoming relationship. Thomas is happy to see her…she’s so hot and her body should be illegal. I’m glad that T-Rav remembers what is important. He’s a gem! Kathryn is melancholy knowing that her kids are in the guest house and she can’t see them, but she is hopeful they are on the path to co-parenting with her clearer head and greater sense of self. Thomas muses that he could certainly get back together with this Kathryn if she stays on this path. The pair embraces for much longer than they should, as T-Rav smells her cape (or is that a poncho?) with romantic abandon. Oh, how he’s been thinking about her! He’s missed her so! Kathryn agrees. How she wishes to kiss him after all this time. And scene. Harlequin called…this is weak sauce.

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JD is hosting the opening of Gentry’s which is the former Sermet’s, and the gang’s all here! Austen and Chelsea are channeling their inner Richard Gere and Julia Roberts, and Bailey has resurfaced as Shep’s date du jour. Naomie is quick to share with Cameran and Chelsea that Kathryn revealed to her that she kissed Thomas. As the game of telephone makes its way around the soiree, the majority of Kathryn’s friends are happy (job security–the show will go on!), but Landon retorts she isn’t surprised. As if Kathryn would let go of her meal ticket so easily. When Kathryn saunters in dressed like the Nightmare Before Christmas equestrian line, she feigns shock that everyone knows of her make out sesh with Thomas. Before getting in a few whispered digs, Patricia Altschul and her friend call it a night, and JD takes the stage to commemorate this momentous occasion. This place has been the spot of many (televised) memories.

Shep does the unthinkable and expresses his gratitude to Craig for hanging back with him on the connecting flight while Shep was choking on a chicken bone. With Shep caught up in the moment with Craig, Bailey has no choice but to hang on someone else. Austen is in her line of sight. Chests are rubbed, laps are used for sitting, and Chelsea is seething. When she confronts Austen about how it makes her look when her date is hanging on some other girl, he reacts with a smile. Is Chelsea jealous? He promises he wasn’t trying to bring out her inner green monster, but if she feels like this, perhaps they need to define their relationship. Austen only has eyes for Chelsea, and he hopes she feels the same. Chelsea begrudgingly agrees. It’s official–they are exclusive!

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Craig is thrilled that everyone seems to be co-existing very well…except for Landon and Kathryn. Have we all noticed that when Craig’s pals tease him about the long path to the bar exam, he responds with trying to recreate the drama between Kathryn and Landon? As Shep cajoles him about trying to recreate the Cold War and the Bay of Pigs, Craig karate chops Shep’s leg. Why must Shep undermine his mediation skills? Landon and Kathryn can’t just put a band-aid on their relationship which has been torn apart by a bullet hole. Um, did they ever actually have a friendship worth saving? No. You know what else you can’t put a band-aid on? Shep’s poor shin after Craig’s aforementioned half-assed punch. I don’t know about you, but I am dying laughing when Shep tells Craig his aggression is noted. He calls Kathryn over to poll her on whether Craig was the most horrible mediator to ever walk the earth. It’s highly humorous to see a slurring Craig complain about Shep being a drunk asshole.

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As Shep loses his cool, he removes himself from the situation, but Cameran finds a kernel of truth in Craig’s accusations of Shep’s inebriation. As that friendship teeters on the brink, the group watches in horror as Kathryn and T-Rav profess their undying love. At least this finale was child-free, right?

P.S., I was giving Landon the benefit of the doubt until I watched her snark and dolphin giggle on Watch What Happens Live. True colors and nasty digs seemed to be her M. O., but damn, her hair looked great. Also, girl code is tacky, y’all. She lives by the code of always doing what’s right.

TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LAST NIGHT’S FINALE? WHO CAME OUT ON TOP? WHICH CAST MATES WERE THE MOST RIDICULOUS? WILL KATHRYN AND THOMAS GIVE IT ANOTHER GO (PLEASE NO)? WOULD YOU GIVE UP ORAL SEX OR CHEESE? 

Photo Credit: Bravo

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