Someone once told me if you have nothing nice to say; say nothing at all. Well, unfortunately I’m not at liberty to do that – sorry Real Housewives Of Orange County. I have nothing nice to say about any of you, and the thought of holding it all in makes me want to cry like I’m Meghan Edmonds fake-sobbing in a canyon. Maybe Meghan’s tears were instal-dried by the wind or evaporated. Or plastic people make plastic tears which just clog in their tear ducts and until they’re plucked out and thrown away.
Meghan and Vicki Gunvalson aren’t so different, are they? It’s ME ME ME all the TIME TIME TIME. No one understands and blah, blah, blah…
Me-Me-Me-Meghan meets Lydia McLaughlin for a hike, which is more like a stroll down the lane of their own hubris. Meghan only came because she expected to be coddled with sympathy and empathy from Lydia over Kelly Dodd‘s ‘unwarranted attack’ at Drag Bingo. Shockingly, underneath her bowler hat, Lydia had a brain. We know she believes in wizards and fairy tales and good witches, so she must have asked the wizard for one. Lydia is no cowardly lion – she’s a Bratz doll with a heart, and Meghan is a Monster High emotional vampire.
I mean, I would rather listen to Vicki ask people to taste her fingers or sugar her toes before eating them off her roast, than listen to Meghan whine and throw tantrums, but alas that was not my luck last night!
Meghan and Lydia are not two-seconds into their hike when Meghan goes off about how Kelly is a despicable person for accusing Jimmy Dad Jeans of getting up to no good in his 501 acid-washed flares. Lydia does NOT leap to Meghan’s defense, instead she gingerly points out that Meghan kinda did the same thing when she questioned if Kelly was cheating on Michael based upon the word of a twitter troll. Meghan is indignant, because that is NOT THE SAME THING AT ALL!
Correct me (and Lydia) if I’m wrong, but: it’s not?
My Little Lydia with her big, sad eyes may have been uncomfortable as f–k at Drag Bingo. She may have been hiding her eyes for fear of the devil, but even SHE could see Saton wasn’t confusing how Meghan did in fact accuse Kelly of cheating! Not that Kelly’s response was at all OK, but it didn’t exactly come out of the blue as Meghan’s hormones expect us to believe. Also – I finally figured out what Lydia reminds me of: A precious moments doll. Somehow I think she would take that as a compliment. I do believe, if my many childhood memories of being held hostage in Hallmark by my mother, do not deceive me there is even a Precious Moments Charlie Chaplin!
Yes it is a sad and soggy day in Toonland when Lydia is the voice of reason, and Kelly is certainly crazier than an owl on sugar high, but Meghan sunk to her level here, then tried to cry vicktim. Meghan claims Kelly intentionally tried to hurt her with the accusation, whereas she was trying to get the bottom of Truth! And Justice! Meghan King Edmonds for universe prosecutor! (And Vicki G for County Sheriff).
Twitter has as much logic and truth as Cards Against Humanity so Meghan’s justification for asking Kelly about cheating is dumb. When Lydia wasn’t swayed by Meghan’s argument, Meghan seriously starts sobbing (tearlessly) that Lydia is was taking Kelly’s side! “She attacked my marriage! When I was 7 months pregnant!” shrieks Meghan. “And my baby’s at home right now and she has to have a bottle cause I’m hiking with you. THAT’s NOT OK.” Um… who’s the baby? Furthermore Meghan is constantly complaining about how she wants to GET AWAY from this baby, which is why she has the FULL-TIME nanny so she can cuddle her dog. Meghan needs to check herself. The hills were alive with the sound of her whining. And then they died, and wound up in hell with Tamra and Vicki’s eternal argument.
Seriously, Meghan made less sense than Peggy Sulahian, and Peggy is conducting research about bears pooping in postal boxes. Maybe Meghan was having a psychotic break?
Speaking of psychotic, Tamra Judge was at home making a cheesecake out of mental incapacity and margarine, when her phone rings and SURPRISE: It’s Vicki! Happy Birthday Eddie – it’s your mortal enemy come to call.
Vicktim stumbles through inviting Tamra to coffee because she hopes for a future where they can be in the same room together without completely, awkwardly ignoring each other. Vicktim is proud of herself for making this first step because this makes her the bigger person. I was most shocked to see that Wannabe Jesus Barbie’s eyebrows actually raise in shock. I mean, that IS a miracle! Praise Pasture Mike! Tamra agrees to coffee, then Vicki gleefully mocks her about not being able to cook, and within seconds Tamra realizes that coffee is a slippery slope and before she can add cream, she’ll be whooping it up in sequined headbands.
Tamra immediately calls Shannon Beador for a dose of reality cause HA! Shannon will NEVER forgive. Tamra slightly exaggerates the nature of Vicki’s call and proclaims that Vicki decided to apologize. Does Tamra really believe Vicki is that big a person? Will Vicki sincerely apologize? Does a bear shit in a FedEx box?
Oh, the reckoning for Vicki Gunvalson… which is also the WRECKING BALL of Vicki Gunvalson.
Shannon is having David drama as always. Oh Shannon STOP. I beg of you. David begs of you. The entire universe outside of Vicki Gunvalson‘s toxic orbital horizon begs of you.
It’s Shannon’s birthday but David didn’t plan anything special like another vow renewal, for instance, and even worse he actually asked Shannon what she did for her birthday last year, like he FORGOT how he
Bravo planned the surprise vow renewal. Are you kidding me?!
Shannon thinks their problem is because when Shannon has the stress, David pulls away, and Shannon majorly has the stresses over Vicktim Q Gunvalson, Crazy at large, and that damned allegation. Ergo Vicki DESTROYED Shannon’s marriage! I am so tired of Shannon and the world “allegation” I mean even David’s attitude was all, “So… an insane woman on a reality show revealed something that gossip blogs already have but exaggerated it? Don’t hand me a Twinkie!”
David barely attempts to comfort his dear wife, which triggers another crying meltdown because David hasn’t held Shannon’s hand in six months. It’s because Vicki reached her cold, scraggly fingers across the sea and slapped David’s wrist every time he got near Shannon’s warm, tender, forgiving hand. Shannon’s hands are perfect Feng Shui! “You renewed our vows and you want nothing to do with me,” she sniffles as David drolly mumbled about how all relationships have ups and downs.
For a minute David and Shannon had a relationship but then he started ignoring her texts while he’s at work. So Shannon had to eat all the things. One cookie for every text David didn’t answer; two cookies for every night at the gym… Now Shannon is passive-aggressively trying to goad David into admitting his distance is a result of her weight. The man, literally, cannot win! His life is equivalent to the tortilla chip crumbles at the bottom of the bag that you try to eat but get all over your face, and then sheepishly dump into the sink. No vow renewal-versary for those two, eh!
When the girls bring out Shannon’s birthday dinner she’s too upset to be happy, and David is forced to meander though a prayer so insincere I thought it was coming from Tamra’s lips.
So for Shannon’s birthday she got a lightbulb above her head, shining it’s light on the reality of her marriage. “I feel like we’re in the same place we were when he had the affair,” Shannon sobs. Meghan – take note of those REAL tears!
Vicktim wanted a boat for her birthday, but all she got was this dangerous firearm! Which should not be legal. Ryan actually got Vicki and Briana mother-daughter pistols. How quaint … I can just imagine one drunken night, Vicki dancing on the bar at Andales with a sombrero crookedly drooping over one eye, shouting WOO HOO while discharging a round into the ceiling and breaking the bar to smithereens. She’d probably wouldn’t notice until the bartender failed to materialize with another next tequila shot.
The gift was fitting because these theme of this party is guns blazing. Just after Vicki begged Tamra to meet for coffee she had a birthday party where the WOO HOO cocktails (her own custom brew) are served hot and ready with tea. And OMG was Vicki’s entrance not the best?! It’s the perfect euphemism for her entire life: her cluelessness, her desperation, and begging for acceptance all rolled into one ill-timed moment. In walked the birthday girl – wearing bright red – and no one noticed! Of course Vicki, the mother of all self-centered starship enterprises, would only have self-centered and selfish friends; too wrapped up in their own private woo hoo-ery to notice the very hostess who tried the mostest.
Vicki actually had to start singing happy birthday to herself before anyone realized she was there… She redeemed the situation when she ripped the mic from her brother’s hand during the birthday toast to start talking about HERSELF and how great Steve was.
Eddie also had a birthday and his birthday was a completely normal liquid nitrogen overdose with popcorn and sexual innuendo at some restaurant with toasters on the table. All the zaniness reminds Tamra of a friend she used to have and the fun they used to do. The laughs and the fights. The anguish and the sheer joy. The boundless jokes and the cutting comments bouncing harmlessly from one silicone implant to the next. Watching a swordfish dinner pieced with a giant sword be carried to the table she wonders how it all went so wrong? And in that moment Tamra decides she will, once again, find it in her Botoxed stone she calls a heart, to re-board the whoop it up-mobile.
RELATED – Photos: Tamra Turns 50!
Tamra should get off at the very next stop because Vicki is about to throw her right under the wheels then roll down to Mexico. The very saddest thing about Vicki’s party was not Vicki herself, but the return of Gretchen Christine Plastique, a woman who wanted more than anything on earth to become a human Barbie that she sold her soul and her real hair to the Devil and in exchange was forced to accept Slade. Yeppers. Slade Smiley, that humongous glitch of decency, was also in attendance. Gretchen wore a prom dress, covered in sequins and desperation, topped with a fur chubby, and swinging from her arm was Tamra’s ex BFF Ricky who had oh so many grievances to spill.
Unsurprisingly Gretchen is friends with Kelly, and also Lizzie Rovsek, the one-season wonder who hawked swimsuits and Tamra-annihilation. Kelly boasts that she brought Vicki and Gretchen “back together.” Jeana was also there because Vicki is populating her party with the only people she can since Tamra and Shannon won’t film with her and Meghan is off playing both sides of the fence at Eddie’s birthday. Lydia was supposed to attend but decided Maverick’s birthday was more important so now she’s at Vicki’s, but she hopes Shannon won’t be upset! Although Lydia just predicts she will be… Yeah, it makes ZERO sense to me either?
First Vicki tells Lydia how she loves Tamra so much that when she’s called up to meet her Jesus, she wants Tamra by her side to whoop it up for all eternity. This is not the most reassuring statement to hear from the mouth of a newly-minted gun owner. In response to Vicki’s Lifetime Movie murder-suicide-y garbage, Lydia croons, “I think that’s beautiful.”
I don’t know what heaven Vicki believes she’s getting into though, because not 2 seconds later she’s clustered around Gretchen, Kelly, and Ricky, when OUT OF THE BLUE – completely randomly! – Kelly mentions how she was one time at this gym where Eddie used to work and everyone there thought he was gay. If this is Kelly and Vicki’s way of exonerating Vicki for starting the gay rumor, then she’s an idiot. Tamra is mad because her so-called friend was PERPETUATING the rumor.
This is all topped off when Ricky claims he has PROOF that Eddie is gay, or at least bi-curious, because he once witnessed Eddie making out with another man, and this is apparently why Ricky and Tamra aren’t friends. Vicki feigns shock and shrieks “WHAT?!” But her reaction was about as convincingly real as Kelly’s bra size, and the whole situation was gross.
Also, Eddie is an innocent bystander here, so why is he getting culled into a Housewives haterade cesspool?
TELL US – WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF RICKY’S REVEAL? WERE YOU GLAD TO SEE GRETCHEN AGAIN? WAS VICKI SINCERE ABOUT WANTING TO MAKE UP WITH TAMRA?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]