It’s official: Siggy Flicker’s sanity has left the building. It remains to be seen whether this circumstance will solidify her spot on The Real Housewives Of New Jersey long term (because, hey, we like our housewives messy!) or will get her booted off with nary a ruined cake as a parting gift. Until then, it’s all aboard the crazy train for us! Good thing we’re used to these kinds of barf-inducing rides. Dolores Catania also comes unhinged this week when Danielle Staub accuses her of trash-talking Teresa Giuidice behind her back. Thus the newest Housewives catchphrase – which I fully intend to use on someone special in the near future – is born: Welcome Back, Scumbag! It’s truly a greeting for every occasion.
We begin at Teresa’s house, where she’s making pork chops with her father while the kids tear the house apart. So, a standard day at the Giudice home. With Joe Giudice in prison, Teresa is essentially a single mom, but at least she has her father moved in to comfort her. The family is still reeling from the loss of Tre’s mom, though, in addition to Joe being locked up.
Thank god Siggy and Dolores also have each other, because the rest of the group has had just about enough of their whining over spilled cake. When Siggy stops by Dolores’ house to fill her in on how well the diner meeting went with Margaret Josephs, Dolores is not impressed. She still doesn’t trust Marge. Siggy piles on, telling her that Margaret thinks she’s a “yes” person – and by the way, so does everyone else! Dolores is outraged that Teresa, of all
felons people, would call her a “follower.” No one puts Dolores in the corner! Except Frank, because he pays the bills. Siggy suggests they hear Teresa out at a jewelry/handbag party she’s throwing soon.
Over at the Gorga household, Joe is busy smacking Melissa Gorga’s a$$ in the kitchen. Margaret and Joe #3 (Benigno) come over for drinks, filling the Gorgas in on how they met. Short version: Marge had the hots for her contractor, so she divorced her husband for him. Joe #3 laughs at Joe Gorga’s fantasy that their romance looked like an internet porn clip
he watches everyday while Melissa’s at Envy.
As the couples play pool, Margaret fills Melissa in on the diner scene. Marge feels badly that Siggy was hurt, but is happy they struck a truce. “Where’s my apology?” wonders Melissa, who’s still upset about being called trash. Meanwhile, Siggy is busy getting hormone pellets in her butt, which Joe and Joe would rather shoot themselves over than hear one more detail about. I hereby stand with the Joes on this matter.
JOSHUA!!! screams Siggy from her kitchen the next morning as she prepares for her party. She wants Josh to remember she’s not a regular mom – she’s a “cool mom!” Josh isn’t buying it, and he’s not about to start sharing the details of his sex life with her, no matter how much she hints around. So instead, Siggy just cries into a roll of paper towels. Um, this is certainly not the cool mom look she was going for, but it is a manipulation tactic that elicits a bewildered apology out of Josh before he bolts out of there. Oh, lord. Siggy is obviously mistaking her teenage son for an emotionally available human being (HA!). And he’s obviously mistaking her for a sane adult.
Back at Teresa’s, Melissa stops by with sprinkle cookies. KIDDING! She brought the good cupcakes. She also brought a heaping helping of mommy judgment, which she lavishly drowns Teresa in with her eyes as she watches Tre “give in” to Milania (wait – was that Milania? They all look so different to me this season!) when she requests to skip dance class. Ugh – whatever. The kid didn’t want to go to one class, lady! Get a grip. I’m getting the tingling sensation in the back of my neck that tells me Melissa and Teresa are going to start seriously sparring again this season verrrrrry soon. Let’s smash some damn cupcakes up in here! I’m ready.
Adding insult to injury, Teresa admits she knew about the restaurant Joe bought behind Melissa’s back. Thus, everyone is in on this
completely fake scheme. But Melissa is even more concerned that Joe has gone in on the business with Tre, who – let’s face it – doesn’t have the most stellar business reputation, not to mention criminal record. Tre, however, sees no issues with mixing business with fambily. She’d literally have nothing to sell/write/cook/do if it weren’t for the entire dysfunctional pack of them schilling their wares and endless drama to the unwashed hordes.
At Margaret’s house, it’s staff meeting time. Because it’s always staff meeting time over here! (Do they live at this table?) It’s also time for Margaret’s mom, Marge Sr., to tell everyone about her dating life, which includes a dinner rendezvous with new paramour, Bob. Let’s take a moment to bow our heads in thanks that Bob’s name is not Joe. Marge Sr. and Marge Jr. are only 20 years apart in age and consider themselves co-party-animals. Marge Sr. also considers herself a sexual diva, and is not looking for some old schmuck who keeps it vanilla in the bedroom. Yowza! Bob better be bringing his A-game. And he better start thinking of what to say about these Furby earrings Marge Sr. wears around because I just…have no words.
As everyone laughs at mama Marge’s tales of sexytimes, Siggy calls to invite Margaret to her party. Alas, Marge Jr. will be in Vegas at a trade show, but at least she was invited. These two can wait another week before blowing up their game.
At lunch, Teresa, Danielle, and Melissa talk about the Dolores and Siggy issue. Siggy made up with Margaret and Teresa, but not with Melissa, which of course get Mel’s panties in a twist. But Danielle is really the one in a twist – over telling Teresa some juicy gossip about Dolores! Like Sauron, Danielle’s power has been diminished over the years, and now she needs to gather her armies. Her work begins at this lunch. The Great Eye is upon them!
Before Danielle gets a chance to dish, Teresa tells the ladies she’s taking her family to Puerto Rico. Then Melissa starts in with her “you need to put your foot down with those girls!” speech when Tre shares that her dorters want to go zip-lining. Taken aback, Teresa can’t believe Mel is commenting on her parenting practices. Especially without Juicy Joe
and his raging drinking problems there to support her!
But brother Joe is all about supporting Teresa these days, and Teresa is
allegedly all about supporting him too. Their family restaurant is their baby now, and that money ain’t gonna launder itself, people! Melissa is nowhere to be found as Teresa and Joe sit down to pretend to do business-y things, so Tre gets immediately incensed. When Mel shows up, Tre wastes no time in snarking at her about her lateness, how little she’ll probably be involved in running this rat trap, and how much of an entitled princess she is. And here we have it, folks! The Giudice-Gorga cold war is at an end! It’s about to be piping hot again.
Not caring about Tre’s judgment, Melissa puts her foot down. No, she won’t be cooking here. No, she won’t be waiting tables. But yes, she will be collecting the checks, thankyouverymuch! Sigh. This drama is less about a janky pizzeria than it is about Melissa shading Tre’s parenting skills. And as we all know, Teresa does not let that sh*t go. Like, EVER. Joe is (rightfully) getting nervous as he listens to his wife and sister go at each other’s throats. He thought this was long over with…but he would be wrong about that.
Across town, Dolores is in her boyfriend’s home “staging” it with Siggy before putting it on the market. David, the bald-doctor boyfriend we’ve only seen in literally one photo so far, wants to move closer to Dolores
and her live in ex-husband. So, Siggy plays along with this staging ruse, dishing to Dolores about her angst with Joshua. Dolores feels her pain, but encourages her to let it go. She’s dealt with children flying the nest already, whereas Siggy can barely deal with a smashed cake.
Teresa and Milania are at home playing with slime when Joe emails them from prison. Milania is excited to hear from her father, and even Tre admits that the girls really do need and miss him. “Time’s flying by,” says Teresa, who knows these are years that Joe will never get back with his family. Milania, especially, is a daddy’s girl who needs a lot of attention – not to mention structure. She’s struggling, and it’s sad. The kids are suffering for their parents’ mistakes.
It’s the night of Siggy’s party, and she’s doing her brokedown-Oprah HELLLLOOOOOOO!!! to everyone who strolls in. Dolores shows up early to meet the gang of future Melissa-haters (even though they don’t know it yet). Melissa may think Siggy owes her an apology, but Siggy isn’t offering one without getting an apology from Mel first. Good luck with that, girls. In the mean time, let’s party and buy some f**king tacky purses!
In the car on the way to the party, Danielle tells Teresa that Dolores talked smack about her recently. According to Danielle, Dolores said, “Teresa isn’t concerned about anything or anyone except for money.” Tre is shocked to hear this, but Danielle stands firm that it is the god’s honest truth – hand to leopard print leggings! “Good friends don’t talk like that,” says Danielle, who just set the stage for the next cat fight.
At the party, everyone mingles for a while until Melissa walks in. Siggy initially greets her warmly, leading her around the purse table for a beat, then immediately launches into how upset she still is. But Melissa is still angry about the trash comment, and wonders why Siggy hasn’t apologized yet? Siggy thinks SHE still deserves an apology – that cake was destroyed! Ugh. Melissa
and the rest of planet earth doesn’t want to hear another word about the damn cake. Seriously.
But Siggy would like to take a public vote on the matter – like, right now! So she screams at/asks the entire group of party goers to raise their hands if they think it’s RUDE TO THROW A BEAUTIFUL CAKE THAT A FRIEND LOVINGLY BOUGHT FOR YOU!?!??! Good icebreaker.
The scared sh*tless guests meekly raise their bejeweled claws, temporarily looking like they’ve just become part of a random bank robbery. Satisfied, Siggy then dramatically throws herself on the ground, squealing THANK YOOOOOOU! THAT’S ALL I WANTED!!! Oy vey. Melissa is thusly shamed, but really more embarrassed for Siggy, who’s acting like an obnoxious tween at her own party. This broad has officially lost her frigging mind.
Also about to lose her mind is Dolores, who doesn’t know it yet, but will be placed squarely in the center of some Teresa/Danielle drama in a matter of minutes! After Danielle arrives, Teresa pulls their entire group out to the deck to tell Siggy once and for all: Let the cake sh*t GO! Dolores defends Siggy’s feelings, then in the next breath (ironically) defends herself against being called Siggy’s follower. She claims she defends ALL of her friends equally – including Teresa!
“So, you’ve never spoken about her?” coyly inserts Danielle, who’s been waiting YEARS for this very moment. She then outs the statement Dolores allegedly made about Teresa, which immediately sets Dolores off. “You’re a f**king LIAR!” screams Dolores, who thinks Danielle is just here to cause drama. “Welcome back, scumbag!” she shouts in Danielle’s face, pointing her finger at the woman who just gave her a storyline. (Dang. She should be sending Danielle a fruit basket, no?)
Enraged, Dolores tells Teresa not to trust Danielle, who she claims is straight up lying about her. But she’s the one coming unhinged here while Danielle just smugly sits in her chair, feeling the winds of fortune blow softly against her crispy tan. “All I have to say is this, Teresa,” warns Dolores. “Sleep wit’ one eye open because she’s up to no good!”
Teresa wonders what the truth really is. Who’s the liar here? Dolores the Siggy Soldier, or Danielle the reformed Prostitution Whore? It’s a riddle for the Sphinx. Inside, Danielle cries, telling Teresa in private that Dolores really, truly did say those words. Teresa agrees to go home with her, still not knowing quite what to believe. Dolores is glad to see Danielle go, but she’s afraid for Teresa, who seems to be firmly under her spell. But maybe Danielle’s a good witch now? Hey – stranger things have happened in the world of Housewives, after all!
TELL US: WHO DO YOU BELIEVE – DOLORES OR DANIELLE? ARE TERESA AND MELISSA BREWING FOR ANOTHER FAMILY FEUD? IS SIGGY EVER, EVER, EVER GOING TO GET OVER THAT DAMN CAKE?
Photo Credit: Bravo