It turns out that next Friday is the season finale of Love After Lockup, so we have one more week of this wretched awesomeness in our lives. After that, we’ll be forced to mope around until 90 Day Fiancé (all four versions of which have been renewed!!!) comes back to fill our snarky little hearts with K1 Visa love. And even though this debut season of LAL was a mere 7 episodes, it served up enough drama to last us an entire aggravated assault prison sentence (which is approximately 6-18 years, according to our fair felons).
This week, Andrea takes the Crazy Bananas Crown back as she berates her children for questioning her relationship with a convicted felon, who she drags them halfway across the country to meet, then forces/bribes them to call “papa.” Thus, it’s official: Andrea is a garbage person. Side note: All three of Andrea’s children are approximately 4 trillion times more mature, eloquent, and intelligent than their mother.The friends and relatives of the rest of the crew try to warn them about their equally doomed relationships, to absolutely no avail. Because that is mission f**king impossible with this crew. And just when we thought Scott was the most tragic figure of all, Alla steps in this week to bring the seriously sad story of relapse. Even perma-crazy eyed James figures out that all is not well in Alla-Land, which is saying something. Sigh. This show needs a hero! Or Dr. Phil. Until then, we’ll just recap the stankfest.
Johnna & Garrett
Since Garrett’s proposal, Johnna has been doing some thinking. This concept is a new one for her. She meets her father at the park to sip coffee, tell him about her engagement, and get royally chewed out by Dad. In that exact order. And it is glorious.
After Johnna tells her dad she plans to marry Garrett soon, he grabs her by the shoulders and literally tries to shake sense into this woman-child. “She just wants everything NOW!” he complains to the cameras before we cut back to him smashing his coffee cup on the sidewalk in frustration. “I’m DONE with this sh*t!” he screams, voicing every single viewer’s exact sentiments in one fell swoop.
I know Valentine’s Day is over, but Johnna’s Dad: Will you be mine? #MyHero
When they go cake tasting later, it dawns on Garrett that Johnna is actually planning a wedding. Like, a real one! With 150 real guests eating mini cupcakes in the local Best Western conference center as the happy couple does the Dollar Dance for honeymoon funds. It’s all too much for fresh-outta-prison Garrett to process. It’s at this moment that Johnna realizes whining about an engagement ring was maybe-sorta-kinda not the brightest move. (Nor was that fuzzy pink steering wheel, but let’s leave that for another day…)
Like the psycho she FULLY admits to being, Johnna later drives to Garrett’s work to interrupt his napkin folding, demanding answers. On the beach, Johnna grills him, “Why did you ask me to marry you?!?!?” This question comes from a woman who literally threatened Garrett everyday that she’d leave him if he didn’t propose. Garrett’s like, “Um, cuz I love you…know what I’m sayin?”
The confusion on his face barely has time to register in Johnna’s crosshairs before she whines about not wanting a ring “just because she pressured him into it!” B-b-but…that’s exactly what happened, Looneytunes. Roll that tape back, girl. You CRAY.
Alla & James
Oh, man you guys. This is just a sad story – and if I may preach my own bias for a moment, is also a clear lesson in why prisons aren’t the answer to fixing addiction. Because, yes, Alla is clearly still addicted to heroin, as highlighted in her on-camera relapse this week.
Before finding Alla in a puddle of sickness and fear on her bathroom floor, James stops by his friend Chris’s house. Chris tells James plainly, “Your girl is SICK.” But James continues to be in denial about the reality of the situation, brushing questions about Alla’s drug use off as Chris just being a “hater.” Since he has zero chance of getting through to this dolt, Chris just shrugs, giving James a look we’d all like to give him in this moment.
After James returns home, reality hits him right between the eyes when he finds Alla in crisis in the bathroom. He’s never seen addiction up close, but now FINALLY realizes that he’s dealing with someone who has not kicked her habit. As James begs Alla for answers, he finally asks if he should just call an ambulance?
Cameras cut off, so we’ll see where this nightmare takes them next week. For Alla, it’s obviously back to prison. But for James? Who knows. All I know is that trolling those prison websites for life partners again may not be the best move. But he may want to try blinking every once in a while.
Lizzie & Scott
Speaking of depression and denial, let’s check in with our boy, Scott! Since finding out that Lizzie will be facing another 12 years for possession of heroin, meth, and contraband cell phones, Scott has taken his pain out on the yard. Because he has no other outlet, he shall trim branches!
When Scott’s beautiful, wise friend stops by to talk him off the pruning ledge, Scott just maintains his total denial. He thinks Lizzie will change! He loooooooves her! She’s THE ONE! Despite knowing that the $20K he sent her over the years likely funded her drug habit (and the reason she’s facing additional time), Scott is standing by his woman. Scott’s friend just looks at him as one might look at a dog chasing its own tail for 30 minutes: Amused at first, then annoyed, then just plain bored with the absurdity of it all. She finally snarks, “Why don’t you just send her MORE money?”
Knowing Scott, he probably will. I mean, just look at Lizzie! Who wouldn’t trust a plucky inmate who pulls her knee socks ALL the way up before recording her video on a contraband cell phone? It’s a no brainer, people.
Mary & Dominic
Our neighbors to the north, Mary and Dominic, are still pretending to be an engaged couple (if you want to have some real fun, start deep diving theories that they were actually already married before the show started – the truth is out there!!) Mary thinks she’s “so cute!” trying on wedding gowns that resemble Scheana Marie’s crop top situation two seasons ago on Pump Rules. No matter! Because Mary won’t be walking down the aisle in it anytime soon – at least not in public.
When the clearly shell-shocked Dominic comes over to Mary’s apartment later to talk to her about their future, he finally submits to her demands that they get married SOON. Only one condition: It has to be quick and cheap, kind of like the way Mary’s eyebrows were Sharpied on that morning.
Mary celebrates this small victory by taking Dom behind a clouded glass door and allowing him to remove her top. Who says romance is dead? Pah! Also: Thank you to whomever installed that opaque glass in Mary’s apartment. We can now live another day without having to unsee something which can really never be unseen. #HandMeTheEyeBleach
Andrea & Lamar
Well, I’ve saved the best for last – and by “best,” I mean most hideously foul. Since Lamar is stuck in LA County per his probationary terms, Andrea decides to haul her family back there to see them. As any sane mother of three engaged to an 18-year inmate would! Lamar finally breaks the news to Andrea as she delusionally tries on wedding gowns, forcing her eldest daughter, Nyla, to look on in horror at the grown ass woman about to ruin all of their lives.
Over dinner in Utah, Andrea tells the kids they’ll be packing up in the middle of the night to make the 9-hour trek to LA. She also spills the beans about her youngest daughter, Priscilla, calling Lamar “papa” – something she’s apparently been doing since birth. Um. No, ma’am. Nopety nope nope. Mom to Mom, Andrea: SLOW YOUR ROLL WITH THE PAPA SH*T. I am getting serious whiffs of Nicole from 90 Day Fiance on this one, except in Andrea’s case, she’s also trying to make her older kids fall in line with the “new daddy” stuff too. It’s just grotesque and awful.
Side note (again): Will it ever be addressed that Priscilla is 5-years old, but Andrea claims she’s been “dating” Lamar for 6 years? WHAT IS GOING ON?!?
Thankfully, Nyla and her brother Tennison are smart enough to know what a sh*tshow this is. Their embarrassment over their mom’s idiocy is palpable, especially after they arrive in LA and Lamar immediately tries to ingratiate himself to them. Now, I must give props to Lamar for not laying it on too thick – he’s just trying to navigate a terrible situation.
But THUMBS WAAAAAAY DOWN to Andrea, who is not below BRIBING Nyla with cold, hard cash to get out of the car and meet her new “daddy.” There are not enough ughs in the world for this nightmare. Andrea needs to be voted off the island immediately, and her children can be raised by the Mormon community back home. Or by wolves. Whichever is safer. (Crafting parties notwithstanding.)
Next week, each of the couples wrap up their epic
death-spiral love story in a mere one hour. How WeTV will make this happen is the biggest question of all. I mean, can you really stick a fork in any of these messy pies and say they’re done? WE NEED MORE! <sob> At least we have each other. Meet me back here next week to say goodbye, good luck, and trade homemade shiv tips until season two!
Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Love After Lockup & more!) – plus a dash of cults & the supernatural. Available on Acast, Stitcher, and iTunes!
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