Welcome to the scripted reality television land of Wigs N Cigs where a 40-something 35-year-old woman has never heard of an IUD and can't get along with her parents to save her life. If you were confused for a second; nope that's not Brielle's storyline – it's Kim Zolciak's!
On last night's installment of Don't Be Tardy, Bravo seemed to prove that the only reason Kim got a second spinoff was to exploit the legal/custodial drama happening with her parents because other than that this show has ZERO going on except for completely fabricated and ridiculous plots.
So Kim and Kroy Biermann take a walk in the woods and decide they are ready for a third child. I mean what else does Kim have to do; she doesn't work and she has two nannies for her other two kids so she can basically sit around and be prego, ensuring her investments will grow and grow. I believe they call that an "installment plan"? Ask, conceive and receive!
Real Housewives of Orange County was full all about actors last night. Except the only person who was legitimately doing any acting was Heather Dubrow. And no – she wasn't acting like a biatch this episode. Oh wait… yes she was but not as part of her real life, but as part of a role she was hired to play. But not for Bravo. AAAAHHH! I'm so confused…
Things begin with a blast from the past. Gold digging expert Lauri Peterson is resurrected to give Tamra Barney a little advice on making marriage number three last. Third times a charm, eh! They meet up at a jewelry store and Lauri looks great. All three of her children are doing well and good for her – hopefully life is going smoothly.
Since Lauri and Tamra were never really friends they resort to talking about someone they have in common: Vicki Gunvalson. Tamra fills Lauri in on how post-divorce Vicki is like soooo delusional and dating a loser. Lauri snickers and chooses this time to remind Tamra about how Vicki broke up her marriage to Simon. That's a great thing to be discussing while you're choosing a wedding ring for your third betrothed. #ManEaters
Tina is extremely dramatic regarding her biological clock, jokingly threatening suicide if she can't get pregnant and accusing Tarz of having lazy sperm. It's a bit much, and by "a bit," I clearly mean it's ridiculous. However, I do feel badly when she gets a negative result on her pregnancy test because she is visibly upset. Meanwhile, four weeks into their marriage, Kathryn is freaking out over a positive test. She's teary, and John is over the moon. He can't wait to tell everyone they know.
Traci is going to meet with Drew to talk about their recent blow-up, and she calls them a "family." She reveals that she was so in love with Drew, but I don't think she needs to be using the past tense. Traci gives a little history on their past before dropping off Little Drew with the baby-sitter. Over lunch, she tells Drew that she deserves better than seeing him with different girls and groupies every night. He reminds her that they haven't been a couple in seven years, because she clearly thinks they are still together. When Drew straight-up says he just wants to discuss her investing in his sneaker boutique, she storms out of the restaurant, promising to give him her money once she's calmed down. Yeah, that sounds like a great idea!
Mimi Faust is on a date with her new boyfriend Nikko. She reveals that he's a blast from the past, and she hopes that he will understand that she comes with baggage…in the form of Stevie J. Nikko realizes that everyone has skeletons in their closet, but his aren't haunting him like Mimi's are. Mimi admits that Stevie has given her some major trust issues, and she's worried that Nikko is a music producer like her ex.
Yes, I find Mariah to be too aggressive and extremely unlikable, but that does not mean I'm blind to Kari andToya's antics. Do I sometimes think the snotty comments directed at Mariah are warranted though? Yes. Definitely. More than likely, if you do not like Koya, you cheer on Quariah. To each their own. If I were Kari or Toya, I'd completely eliminate Mariah (and by extension Quad) from my life, but I get that they all need to interact for the sake of the show. Lucky us!
Quad and Gregory kick off the season finale with yet another disagreement over starting a family. He wants a baby; she wants to be a reality TV star. Quad says, besides all that "pushing, tugging, pulling, and gaining weight," there are too many issues in this group of women to bring in kids of her own. All is right in Quad's world as long as she has an audience (says me) and her dogs (says her). There's nothing wrong with that, at all, but my goodness did these two ever talk about expectations, goals, family, etc. before they got married?
Last night Andy Cohen sat down the ever-so-crazy ladies of Real Housewives of New Jersey for a little tell-all dish session and some word association. Word association was the best part and if Teresa Giudice's skill at the game is any indication of how she did on the SAT's, well… errrr… yeah.
Other than word association, the flashback photos were A-MAZ-ZING. Lord knows I love an 80's Jem & The Holograms hairstyle. And speaking of 80's, 'Vacations all I ever wanted; Vacation time to get away… from RHONJ before it even started!' (Courtesy of The Bangles).
Let's all give thanks… Don't Be Tardy style. And what does that entail? Purchasing a pre-packed, pre-sliced turkey from a designer clothing store. More on this later.
On last night's episode Kim Zolciak's daughters were forced to deal with the Sins of the Wig, whose own parents have turned against her in the media over her alleged famewhoring. It was actually sad.
Things begin with Kim and her girls making something called "slutty brownies". They actually sound amazing. Brielle and Arianna want to make brownies from scratch, Kim argues for boxed mix especially in light of the fact that she doesn't even have sugar in her pantry.
Jeff Collins welcomes us back to the second half of the Dance Moms reunion and promises more audience participation. Oh gracious! That's the last thing I wanted. Abby Lee Miller joins Jeff on stage and they embrace as if they hadn't filmed the first hour mere minutes ago. They discuss the great mom walk out, and Abby blames them for running off Jackie and Sophia–as you recall, they left as quickly as they came. Abby had hoped that Maddie and Sophia could have done a tap duet, and when questioned to which is a better dancer, Abby remains neutral. She says she believes that Maddie dances from her heart, but Sophia has had more opportunities. When asked about Asia and MacKenzie, Abby believes that Asia has more technical talent while MacKenzie has more knowledge of choreography.
After an audience member question, Abby reveals that the other moms are clearly jealous of Kristie 2.0's beauty. Who wouldn't be (according to Abby)? Backstage, Kathy's daughter Vivi-Anne shares that she never learned anything from Abby…at her mother's prompting. Kristie heads out on stage with Abby and Jeff, and she admits that she doesn't care what the other women think of her. Abby touts her professional teaching in a thirty minute session for making Asia a better dancer. You can tell from Kristie's face that she isn't in total agreement, but she never voices it. Abby brags to Jeff about Asia's sass and work ethic, and cue an Asia solo. The kid has gumption and talent, that's for sure! After the break, Kendall performs one of her energetic solos. Why did this reunion need to be two hours? Someone please remind me!