Recaps

Kyle Richards shocked

Alright so this is a cold day in hell because last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills had me feeling sorry for Kyle Richards. I was also Lisa Rinna bellowing across a bar “What happened?!” cause seriously I’d like to know how we got to the hot mess express and threw Kyle under?! Also, I am warning you: I have nothing nice to say about Dorit Kemsley.

The ladies are in NYC for Fashion Week and because Dorit has achieved the meteoric accomplishment of landing the cover of a magazine no one would’ve heard about were it not for Lisa Vanderpump previously landing a cover there. If you recall when LVP had her Bella Magazine party it ignited apology-gate with Eileen Davidson, and after Kyle and Dorit’s disastrous issues last night, it appears to me that Bella Magazine is bad luck for Real Housewives. It is better to be cover-less than covered in bad friendships!

James & Lala

Oh man, all season on Vanderpump Rules I have really been loving James Kennedy … Until last night, that is! Down goes the Jack Daniels, and James’ decency follows suit. He was a horrible, ATROCIOUS drunken buffoon to Lala Kent and Raquel Leviss when he should have reserved that treatment for Scheana Marie. If only so Rob Valetta could rush in to be knight in shining armor and fix it. I hear he’s good at those sorts of things!

Scheana Marie invited a select group ‘non-assholes’ to Rob’s cabin in Big Bear. After the Toca Madera cheating non-scandal, she’s desperate to prove that some of her non-friends are capable of behaving like decent human beings. Except slim pickings. She can’t invite the Three-Headed SheBeasts who are too busy bedazzling scooters while fake crying apologies after their birthday party breakdowns (plus they started the rumor), so Scheana was forced to choose Jax Taylor and James?! Scheana is a cesspool of failed logic and I really believe all the therapists on this show are being wasted on Jax. Absolutely he is in need, but um… spread the ‘py, because there’s a six car pileup of people needing psychiatric attention.

Sister Wives Recap:

Well guys, last night on Sister Wives we traded tacos and matrimonial entitlement for pink p knit caps and female empowerment. I’d say that’s an improvement, wouldn’t you? While I’m still not on board with this whole “two hour episode” format, I’ll watch Meri Brown uncomfortably support her daughter while Kody bitches about civil rights for polygamists any day if it means Tony is absent. Throw in an overly giddy Christine, less screen time for Robyn, a therapy session with Janelle, and a glass of Malbec, and it’s quite a nice little cozy evening.

In case you missed it, Mariah has purple hair and she’s still as sullen as ever. She’s summoned her mother and Janelle and both are beyond nervous and curious as to the reason behind the meeting. She invites them both to the Women’s March on Washington. I am dying laughing. I feel like knitting pussy hats is the hobby Christine didn’t know she needed. Mariah cites both ladies as being supportive of her journey. Janelle is intrigued and emotional and open to the idea, and Meri is all, um, is this an LGBT thing? Meri feels like this invitation from her daughter is a step in the right direction to fix their fractured relationship.

Porsha & Shamea in Barcelona

Last night the Real Housewives Of Atlanta were in Barcelona where the most exciting sight they saw were the roaches (errrr… “water bugs”) in NeNe Leakes bathroom. Hey, I guess it beats some lame sightseeing tour, right?! This was Cynthia Bailey‘s fault – they were supposed to be visiting a church but their wonderful hostess hauled them all the way there only to discover it was closed. So they had to make their own entertainment, and that is never a good thing.

So, Barcelona: beautiful weather, gorgeous phallic buildings, stunning culture… yet all the same drama. You can take the girls out of Atlanta, but you can’t take the Atlanta out of the girls. From the moment the women land on Spanish soil, there is bickering and shadiness.

Love After Lockup Recap: Meet Your New Papa

It turns out that next Friday is the season finale of Love After Lockup, so we have one more week of this wretched awesomeness in our lives. After that, we’ll be forced to mope around until 90 Day Fiancé (all four versions of which have been renewed!!!) comes back to fill our snarky little hearts with K1 Visa love. And even though this debut season of LAL was a mere 7 episodes, it served up enough drama to last us an entire aggravated assault prison sentence (which is approximately 6-18 years, according to our fair felons).

This week, Andrea takes the Crazy Bananas Crown back as she berates her children for questioning her relationship with a convicted felon, who she drags them halfway across the country to meet, then forces/bribes them to call “papa.” Thus, it’s official: Andrea is a garbage person. Side note: All three of Andrea’s children are approximately 4 trillion times more mature, eloquent, and intelligent than their mother.The friends and relatives of the rest of the crew try to warn them about their equally doomed relationships, to absolutely no avail. Because that is mission f**king impossible with this crew. And just when we thought Scott was the most tragic figure of all, Alla steps in this week to bring the seriously sad story of relapse. Even perma-crazy eyed James figures out that all is not well in Alla-Land, which is saying something. Sigh. This show needs a hero! Or Dr. Phil. Until then, we’ll just recap the stankfest.

Dorit TattleTales To Erika

‘Money Can’t Buy You Class’ – that’s certainly the case with Erika Girardi and Dorit Kemsley. There are some Real Housewives friendships I relish and delight in, and there are others, like these two, that fill you with a certain disingenuous dread (think Gretchen and Tamra). On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, Dorit crossed one friend to try and secure another. And the worst part – despite copious warnings, she seemed oblivious! Like when the signs read: “Don’t swim! Shark invested waters” yet you you dive right in.

Actually the worst part is that after all the bickering between herself, Lisa Vanderpump, and Kyle Richards they all managed to have a rip-roaring, super wedgie-tastic, twerking good time getting drunk and silly at Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave‘s beach house. It was the perfect way to bond these girls and put all the bad blood behind them, then DORIT ruined it all! Dorit and her mouth. Can someone stuff a designer sock in it? PeeeeeeeKaaaaaay?

Stassi

I almost have no words for the dysfunction of last night’s Vanderpump Rules. Maybe Stassi Schroeder is aging in reverse. Not in that ‘she looks fabulous way’ of Lisa Vanderpump, but of the OMG – is she really throwing a toddler temper tantrum at her own birthday party. I think I read a Berenstain Bears book about that called “Too Much Birthday.”

Could Stassi and Ariana Madix buy a 2-for-1 therapy session on Groupon? Or maybe Jax Taylor‘s reiki healer can mend the hole in Stassi’s forehead by using her calming touch to transforms it into a halo of happiness. Is that medically possible? Jax and Stassi can skip off into the sunset together happy, at peace, alive! Kristen Doute would lose her soulmate.

Sister Wives Recap:

You know you’ve been waiting with baited breath for this Sister Wives wedding…even if it did happen over a year ago. Timely or not, Kody’s Brown’s hair, Christine’s crazy eyes, and Robyn’s whining did not disappoint. Even Meri smiled a few times! It’s a wedding miracle! Oh, and Janelle was there too, watching as Mykelti and Tony sealed their vows with a freezing kiss. I’m just glad their lips didn’t get stuck together a la that kid and the flag pole in A Christmas Story. Let’s dive on into this mess, shall we?

The Brown family only has an hour to set up for the wedding of the century. Mykelti has all hands on deck (and then some), and Kody is quick to point out that Tony didn’t have to do the 7 am wake-up call. Christine is rocking a Don’t Mess With The MOB (mother-of-the-bride) t-shirt, and it. is. everything. As the seldom seen Brown teens hang decorations, Taunya and the rest of the crew at Bloomington Country Club is second guessing its free publicity.