Recaps

Kyle - Tilapia

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills reminded us that there is a good side to every Housewife, or wannabe Housewife.

Mother of the yearLisa Vanderpump is buying Max an apartment to reward him for putting up with the hooligans of SUR. And trust me – that is no small feat! Lisa and Ken spent $630,000 on a WeHo ‘gem’ that they describe as a dump, but I thought it looked pretty amazing and far nicer than any place I’ve ever lived. But alas, we cannot all be so lucky as to be adopted into pillows of Pomeranian fur, bejeweled British accents, and cocooned in rose-scented tea petals. Please note my official plea that Lisa save me from my middle-classdom.

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Tom 2 in drag

On last night’s Vanderpump Rules poor Tom Schwartz saw the writing on the wall and it said “RUN!” First off, how stupid was the witch hunt over Tom’s two years in the past drunken Vegas hook-up and then Kristen Doute‘s insistence that this is the justified reason Katie Maloney is constantly mean and angry.

I fully agree with Tom Sandoval – that’s ridiculous, and Tom 2 is a “battered wife.” Now I feel more sad watching this. More sad-sad, even, because the only way Tom can tap into his own inner rage and express his feelings is while wearing a dress. Or being tortured by reptiles. When Tom 1 and Jax Taylor are the lone sane members of your collective friend group, things are not going swimmingly.

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Teen Mom 2 recap

This week’s episode of Teen Mom 2 continues to center around the drama that Kailyn Lowry and Jenelle Evans always bring to the table. Kail is giving us a severe case of whiplash when it comes to her moods on soon-to-be ex, Javi Marroquin, and Jenelle is steady as ever in her plot to take back full custody of Kaiser as soon as Nathan Griffin slips up (and he doesn’t keep us waiting long). Chelsea Houska continues to prepare for the arrival of her baby with fiancé Cole DeBoer while Leah Messer shuttles the girls back and forth between dads and mumbles her way through life.

We open with Jenelle calling Barbara Evans because she is supposed to get Jace for the weekend but a last minute work (work?!) trip has come up in New York and she wants permission to take Jace along. Barb is not feeling it because that would mean Jace would have to miss most of the day of school in order to attend. Jenelle goes from a polite ask to level 8 on the petulant teenager scale of rudeness as she explains to Barbara how work is a guy from the UK who wants her to promote some product and she can’t just tell someone from another country to work around Jace’s school schedule.

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Kandi & Porsha argue

Well, um, who needs a hot shower after last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta?! The ladies were on pu$$y patrol, but there was also slow motion stiletto strolls, butterflies, and some serious Diana Ross, the Studio 54 years, hairstyles.

After a dramatic ‘lesbian’ laden dinner brought the glamping adventure to an end, Kandi Burruss is too upset by the accusations to ride home on the communal bus. Or maybe she was scared she have to confront further issues? One person, Cynthia Bailey, is relieved to be away from pu$$y-related problems, but alas that escape will be short-lived and come right back at Cynthia like getting struck by lightening.

While Marlo Hampton, stirrer of trouble and bubbles, busies herself with selfies, Sheree Whitfield plots and ponders. Specifically she wonders why Phaedra Parks, one of the originators of the ‘Kandi hooks up with girls’ rumors, never backed her bestie Porsha Williams. But for now Porsha is willing to sit in the hotseat alone, except for her girls ‘Coco and Chanel.’

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Lisa Rinna

Oh Lisa Rinna. Those lips, those lips are juicy. Last night, the ladies of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills were supposed to be relaxing in Mexico, but we all know that’s not what happened. Echoing a theme of being over the shit, Eileen Davidson preferred Montezuma’s Revenge Diarrhea to more diarrhea of drama over who said what 3,000 years ago when Montezuma ruled.

So Lipsa arrives in Mexico to a chilly greeting. Kyle Richards is reeling after learning that Lipsa blabbed what the whole world was already thinking about Kim Richards‘ state of sobriety: Kim is “mostly sober,” Kyle is an enabler, and Kim is/was “near death.” Unfortunately Lipsa chose to make these observations to Eden Sassoon, who she mistakenly believed she could trust.

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Carl and Jaclyn

Last night Kyle Cooke celebrated a birthday on Summer House, but all anyone could think about or talk about or not have sex with was Carl Radke. There’s something about Carl, apparently!

While the Wirkus’s are away, Carl’s roving eye will play. And it casts its spell on Jaclyn Shuman who is all too happy to oblige – to a point. Massages in the hot tub – check! Sexual innuendo – Check! Promises to share a room – Check! Willingness to share a bed… uncheck! Jaclyn is one of those girls who just needs attention. Like if there is a peen in the vicinity she is tracking it like the Chanel coat on a mannequin that will be headed for the sample sale post season.

After she throws herself at Carl all night, and invites him to share her room, Jaclyn directs Carl to the futon and turns out the light. She giggles that she knows what she’s doing, and also that it’s going to look sooooo bad to the rest of the house. So bright and early the next morning, she skuttles into the Wirkus twins room to reveal that Carl was snoring the blue balls away on her futon. Lauren Wirkus is still trying to play it cool-ish with Carl, but Ashley Wirkus has no such compunctions!

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Tom tries to smother Katie with love.

Happy Valentine’s Day, esteemed Reality Tea readers! To demonstrate how much I love you all, here is a gushing, love-filled recap of Vanderpump Rules. Last night, we found ourselves dealing with stinky situations in the city of saints, sinners, and voodoo. No, it was not corpses escaping their graves in a zombie apocalypse, it was just more Tequila Katie.

As always, the three-headed shebeast proceeded to terrorize the menfolk in a manner befitting of epic trilogies from the ancient years before cell phones could take photos and people were able to communicate with only the push of tiny buttons. What I’m saying is that Tom 2 is on his own Odyssey, charting a territory only tepidly paved by Tom 1‘s Iliad before him (that would be surviving Kristen Doute). I can’t compare Jax Taylor to anything other than Dr. Jackhole and Mr. Jax’d. He writes his own unsavory story – warts and all.

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Teen Mom 2 recap

This week’s episode of Teen Mom 2 revolves around the self-created drama of both Kailyn Lowry and Jenelle Evans but what else is new? There are a lot of similarities between their two very different lives: both are selfish and over dramatic. But the similarities end when it comes to how they deal with things – Jenelle won’t shut up about whatever she thinks is going on and Kail refuses to talk about it unless it benefits her.

This week, Kail is so wrapped up in going back to school, we’re only subjected to the drama she has left behind for Jo Rivera and Vee Torres, while Jenelle is busy with delusions of everyone vying for her affections. Leah Messer and Chelsea Houska get lost in the mix of these story lines, as usual. Yes, I know, reality TV is all about drama and things happening and it would be a pretty boring show if it weren’t for this, but nevertheless, it does get tiring to watch two people who are so emotionally stunted.

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