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brandi and kim wear disguises to stalk her ex-boyfriend jr

Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills amends were made and diamonds were stalked.

Brandi Glanville apologized to Adrienne Maloof for surrogate-gate, because she doesn’t want it to be “awkward” when they run into each other. Uh-huh. We all know Brandi’s ulterior motive is that she needs to get to Adrienne before Lisa Vanderpump gets to her! This apology, where Brandi subtly attempted to drop hints to Adrienne that she was working on Lisa’s behalf, was another attempt of Brandi’s to join the chess team. Listen honey – stick to checkers. 

Somewhere in the murky wilds between last season of RHOBH and this one, Brandi and Kim Richards became friends. Necessity is the mother of invention so the two people no one else wants to be friends with get stuck with each other. At least there were wigs!

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jax taylor gets a nose job

Last night on Vanderpump Rules it was the the Grownups VS. Real Grownups. The latter, a cult led by Stassi Schroeder. Immediately upon entering your fashion IQ drops at least 20 points. On the other hand, the Grownups is led by Scheana Marie Almost Famous and you basically need to be brain-dead (or Jax Taylor) to gain entry at all. But they are friendship tattoos!

Straddling the middle is Tom Schwartz. He so badly wants to be a Grownup, but Katie Maloney has him trapped in an invisible net - no one believes him when he reports himself as missing and kidnapped to the police. 

Here’s what Grownups do: they have panic attacks at their bartending job and flee the scene, sobbing. Here’s what Real Grownups do: they sit in a  corner hate-watching a group of people and passive-aggressively snarking on them behind-their-backs, but never actually say anything to their faces. You know, kind of what I do while I watch this show! The grownup is real, the grownup struggle is realer. 

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love and hip hop hollywood ray j

Oooh! Is it so sad that I waited all week for last night’s Love & Hip Hop Hollywood just to see Ray J’s lady fall in the pool? Geez Louise! I heard on the radio that this fool gets upwards of $30,000 A MONTH for sales of his sex tape with Kim Kardashian, and he made $50,000 last week alone when sales spiked thanks to Kim’s Paper magazine cover. My internet is still working though, so I’m going to say that was a fail. :) 

The episode begins with Nia going to Morgan’s to talk about the upheaval in her life. She wasn’t able to tell Soulja Boy until after she suffered a miscarriage. Nia informed him via text, telling him that she didn’t think he even cared. He ended up doing the mature thing and blocking her on Instagram and Twitter. Morgan wishes that men in general would learn to be more understanding, and Nia breaks down in tears. She feels that she may need a break from the relationship. 

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porsha and cynthia face-off on rhoa

Last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Atlanta featured a battle of the THOTS. Well, really it was more of a battle of THOT accusations coming from Porsha Williams! Porsha and Cynthia Bailey are angry at each other over the reunion; Cynthia felt Porsha’s physical aggression was out-of-line, but Porsha is annoyed that Cynthia has “flip-flopped” her opinion on the matter - sometimes saying she understood Porsha was provoked and other times saying it was completely unacceptable.

Really, Porsha and Cynthia are angry at each other because their ‘bosses’ NeNe Leakes and Kenya Moore don’t like each other so they pawns in a larger game for who will be crowned MISS RHOA! I wonder if The Bailey Agency will host the pageant… they so excel at them! More on that later, but first – Nights at The Apollo!

Everyone is still reeling from Apollo Nida‘s reveal that he “Krayonce’d” his relationship with Kenya, aka imagined she was there in LA, coming onto him in hotel rooms, and offering him fellatio. See this is Karma – Kenya was making up menz all over the world from Africa to Atlanta, and here is Apollo making up Kenyas!

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 five wives

On last night’s My Five Wives, the Williams family looks at relocating to Seattle, Nonie has big news, and an unlikely hero takes shape in the form of Nonie’s eldest child, Paul, who actually calls the entire family out on their questionable lifestyle choices.

The family is still in Seattle visiting Brady’s parents, one of whom is sane, one of whom is not. More to come on that later. Brady’s been talking to some realtors about possibly relocating everyone to Washington. Their current polygamist community in Utah has shut them out since they’ve left the faith. The wives wonder if there’s a realtor alive who can find a property to match their – um – unique needs.

rhonj secrets revealed part 2 recap

Last night’s Secrets Revealed Part 2 was the final-final episode of a super lackluster season of Real Housewives Of New Jersey. And really, there wasn’t much to it! 

Dina Manzo hires the Astro Twins (real names), who are Toni Collete look-a-likes, to read everyone’s astrology charts and tell their futures. They whip out an iPad and some of Gia’s 8th grade geometry homework and get to work!

I learned Teresa Giudice and I are both Gemini-risings. But other than both having brown hair and a couple kids, that’s where our similarities end. And don’t even ask how I know that I’m a Gemini-rising. 

Amber Marchese is afraid to do the reading because she thinks astrology is against her religion, being that she’s a “devote” Catholic and all. Rosie Pierri tells Amber, her visible bra and giant cross necklace, that it’s fine - God won’t notice and neither will the Pope! 

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camille, taylor, and adrienne return on rhobh

Last night we welcomed Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills season 5! Yay! Although some things have changed – LISA RINNA IS HERE! – many things have stayed the same. Lisa Vanderpump is still fabulous and everyone is blaming her for being so, while pretending they are SO OVER that Lisa is able to get away with being snooty, snippy, and a little dismissive because she’s fun and glamorous, and pink – like a pussy! 

Also, staying the same, although looking a bit more, shall we say, tweaked – is Brandi Glanville! Brandi’s face is ’bout to freeze in the the sour lemon sneer if she don’t shape up, because she is getting more bitter by the second. Brandi wants everyone to forget that she led last season’s mutiny against Lisa – correction: she wants Lisa to forget, but she also wants Lisa to accept that it was her fault that Brandi was forced to do it. 

Things I realize about Brandi: she just can’t be happy, she doesn’t want to grow-up. She must have drama, and she’s only all about the truth and people owning up when it’s about other people.

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rhobh-season4-cast

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills is back, but before we welcome the new, let’s recap the old! In season 4 the cast tried to tackle issues of betrayal, religion, and race mixed with diamonds, rosé and glamorous vacations. It didn’t work.

They also tried to drastically alter the status quo by staging a coup against Lisa Vanderpump. That also didn’t work. But it did teach us a very important lesson about intergalactic geography: Brandi Glanville is an alien invader from Planet Trash! That explains everything… 

Last season introduced us to one-failure-wonders, Carlton Gebbia and Joyce Giraud (or shall we call her Hoyce, depending on how much we’ve had to drink?). Carlton made her storyline about how she was the living embodiment of all the bored middle-aged ladies yearning for their husbands to become Christian Grey, but instead they got stuck with Mr. Green who is working his boring job to pay for boob jobs, instead of tying them up with twist-ties and beating them with bananas atop the Etruscan marble breakfast nook while the maid vacuums in the background. Carlton decided to prove that a gal can have both by building a parents playroom (with the help of her icky nanny) and taking her MIL to the Hustler store for bikinis. 

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