Recaps

Anfisa-Beige-Broke-Guy-Quote-TH-90-Day-Fiance

What looks like a live, painful, very slow train wreck and rhymes with Beyonce? Yep! It’s 90 Day Fiance!!! The show whose producers should win Emmy’s for their casting prowess alone. To you loyal fans out there, I’ve missed you! And if you’re new here, stick around – because this is the best show on television that you accidentally watched, then immediately became addicted to. Promise. The concept? Single Americans meet the “loves of their lives” overseas, then drag bring them to the U.S. on a K-1 fiance Visa, which requires couples to get married within 90 days.

This season picks up with couples who’ve already gotten married under the K-1 system, showing us where they are now and how married life is suiting them. Or in Danielle and Mohammed’s case, how potential jail time/insane asylum commitment is shaping up. Spoiler Alert! They still win Best In Show for being the most dysfunctional couple to have EVER graced the 90 Day Fiance franchise – although Jorge and Anfisa are giving them a run for their money. (Wait? What money? Never mind.) Also joining the herd this year are Loren and Alexi, Chantel and Pedro, and Russ and Paola. Hey, TLC: We demand you unearth Mark and Nikki from the pit wherever he’s keeping her too! Maybe next time.

Little Women: LA Recap: Interventions And Infidelity

Let’s just state it plainly: Matt Ericson [Grundhoffer] is THE WORST. And Briana Renee is pathetic. Last night’s Little Women: LA revisited both of these long-held truths as Matt was once again caught cheating, this time with a guest in the very same Alaskan hotel his wife was sleeping in several floors up. Terra Jole is delighted to have the heat taken off of her, given the ridiculous tantrum she had last week over Christy McGinity Gibel existing. But she is at least confronted about her bullying ways before the story shifts entirely in Matt’s disgusting direction. So, are we taking votes on who’s the most vile now? (I will always and forever be casting my vote for Matt’s – it’s a matter of principle at this point! I cannot take him smarming up my damn screen for one more minute!)

We begin by reliving Terra’s meltdown, which no one should really have to witness twice. After Tonya Banks practically tries to tackle her into submission and Jasmine tells her to “calm the f**k down!,” Terra finally stops screaming long enough to get back down the mountain. But she wants to remind everyone that Christy is “FAKE FAKE FAKE!” before she stomps off. No one cares anymore, though. Especially since they know what this is all about: Christy not signing Terra’s book release.

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On last night’s Real Housewives Of New York, Carole Radziwill and Dorinda Medley take it to the streets, heading to D.C. for the Women’s March, while back in NYC Ramona Singer shellacs her hair back in a tragic Blonde-Ambition-meets-Pinot-and-Ambien look and throws a party with the shadiest guest list she can summon. Ramona’s informant friend Missy, who accused Tom D’Agostino of snogging her in a limo while concurrently being engaged to Luann De Lesseps, is resurrected from her UES cryogenic chamber for the evening to confront the recently married couple. Meanwhile, Tinsley Mortimer continues planning her escape, and Sonja Morgan tries to understand what the hell Frenchie is saying.

We begin with Tinsley and Carole meeting for lunch, where they break Tinsley’s sad situation down: She’s living with an oppressive tyrant and needs to move out. Her mom is coming into town to help her apartment hunt, in fact. Carole and Tinsley were also invited to the Winter Botanical Garden, which solidified them as new “pals” in the social rags. It also helped Tinsley’s socialite comeback tour, which she still sadly imagines is real.

Below Deck Mediterranean Recap - Flirting With Danger

Another week, another hook up with the Below Deck Mediterranean crew and this time, the professional lines between crew and charter guests start to blur. But before we get to all that, we rejoin what I thought was an episode of The Bachelorette: Croatian Seas Edition, starring Malia White and her number one suitor, Adam Glick.

Adam sulkily leaves the crew’s night out because he is having a “bad day”, which included refusing to adhere to food preferences in the meals, telling Chief Stew Hannah Ferrier that she had a resting bitch face, lying to Captain Sandy Yawn, and what else? Oh yeah, just being an all-around douche. Sorry, no sympathy here for the guy who thinks a charter guest needs to be punished repeatedly for simply asking him to omit onions from his meals. But all of these bad boy chef antics are like an aphrodisiac to Malia, who chases after him so they can sit next to the hot tub and make out before Adam needs another diaper change or nap or something equally baby-ish. What does Malia still see in him? Is she just in it for the omelets he’s whipping up special for her each morning? All I can assume is that she’s young and stupid because at this point, you would have to be.

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Southern Charm Savannah, oh how you’ve tried. We’ve almost wrapped the first season with this spin-off, and it wasn’t as well received as I would have anticipated. Don’t get me wrong, I like the crew as a whole, but there’s just not that much to watch. If Ashley Borders wasn’t creating stories in her head, playing the victim, and managing to strip at any given time, we’d just be watching a group of wealthy thirty-somethings with a penchant for partying. Been there, seen that.

Last night’s episode begins with a trip to St. Simons Island. Jealous! Much to Hannah Pearson’s dismay, Louis Oswald is planning the ultimate tailgate at Hannah’s father’s house in St. Simons for the Florida/Georgia game. Being the most clueless boyfriend on the planet, he’s included Ashley on the guest list. Ashley is driving Nelson to the South’s biggest cocktail party while complaining that Hannah has a dress company and didn’t think to consult her about it. The nerve! Hannah feels awkward arriving at her family’s beach house. Since her dad married a woman close to her age, it doesn’t have the same memories as it does now. However, Louis has promised to be the host with the most alongside his potential future father-in-law. So he forgot the oysters–big deal. Louis wonders why this party has to be some reception-grade event on Hannah’s radar. What’s wrong with Natty Lite and some Fritos? When game time rolls around, there are still streamers to be hung and tables to be assembled. Both tasks fall on Hannah and her dad. As Hannah nags Louis about his duties, he is confused as to what is wrong. Napkins taken out of plastic wrap? He’s got it. Ice in coolers? Check. What’s so hard? As Hannah micro-manages Louis, her step-sister-mother and father joke about his demise.

Southern Charm recap

Last night’s Southern Charm was extra large and super charged. That’s the motto of Key West, right? It’s a mythical place where feuds are mended, insincere apologies abound, marlin shirts are couture, and dolphins swarm the shore line. Go ahead and plan your vacay–it’s a charming place, indeed!

As the episode begins, Mr. Belvedere Michael is washing Patricia Altshcul’s Bentley,Cameran Eubanks is foregoing a breakfast cocktail, and Craig Conover is teaming up with Gizmo to embroider some baby clothes for Cameran’s psychic predicted baby. Shepard Rose surprises Chelsea at her house, and she doesn’t seem nervous to see him, even after her rendition of events at the Commodore Club to Austen Kroll. She tells him not to judge her as she lounges around eating peanut butter right out of the jar. Shep wants to apologize if Chelsea thought he was trying to be inappropriate with her. Truth be told, he may have had a few of the feels for Chelsea, but he retreated before they could explore a potential relationship.

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Last week on The Real Housewives of Potomac, we left Grand Dame Karen Huger in the middle of an off camera (but not off mic) tirade about vacation planning nemesis Charrisse Jackson-Jordan. Like most tirades, it didn’t make a hell of a lot of sense – something about screwing firemen and New Jersey harlots. Either way, Karen is pretty fired up at Charrisse, even though Robyn Dixon is the one who prompted this by calling Karen a hypocrite for preaching unity on this trip and then excluding half of the women on her sailboat excursion earlier that day. Why anyone would be upset that they missed out on clinging to some netting on the side of a damn plastic boat in the middle of the ocean is beyond me, but I guess it was the principal.

Despite the snub, Charrisse is determined to make her day of hosting a success and has arranged a sunset cruise for all. According to Cha Cha, she “made some calls” and determined that cruises are how the Bermudan elite spend their time so ummm, where are the Bermudan elite you speak of? The boat is filled with random dudes and I can’t tell if they are just some guys production offered a free boat ride to or Cha Cha also placed a call to a local escort agency. One of them immediately eyes up Robyn and like a true gentleman, has Charrisse call her over to him while he stays planted in his seat, shaved legs firmly crossed. No surprise that Robyn isn’t into him.

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It’s time for Little Women: LA to take their giant barrel of issues up north – to Alaska! But when the trip Terra Jole arranged suddenly includes her nemesis, Christy McGinity Gibel – per Tonya Banks’ invitation – Terra decides to make everyone’s life miserable. So, business as usual!

But first we begin at Briana Renee and Matt Ericson [Grundhoffer’s] house, where they’re fretting over baby Maverick’s sleep issues. He doesn’t have sleep apnea, but he does need extra oxygen at night – which is tough to do with a clunky mask. Luckily, Briana’s anxiety has lessened. But now she feels bullied by the girls, who almost all piled on her about her – um – funky smell. (Gah! Again, are we really witnessing this nightmare on TV?!?!) Briana says that Terra is the main bully, but the others aren’t far behind. Only Jasmine Sorge has her back. Matt flexes his douchiness muscles, begging Briana to let him “unleash” on them. “Take the handcuffs off me and let me tell them how it is!” he demands. Briana dumbly shrugs, secretly loving the idea of a Big Matt Attack.