Recaps

Brittany Cartwright Learns Jax Taylor Cheated

Well, surprise, surprise Vanderpump Rules fans: Jax Taylor did NOT cheat on Brittany Cartwright! Oh, I’m just kidding – of course he did! I mean Jax probably even did it more than once actually, because Brittany found some false eyelashes in her bathroom once and they didn’t belong to her, or Jax, or Tom Schwartz (who sometimes, when he cries, likes to feel the soft flutter of gently moistened pony lashes on his tender cheeks. It’s comforting. Like a little blanket for his Cabbage Patch Kids face).

Jax apparently cheated with – and potentially knocked up – Brittany’s friend Faith Stowers, who confessed all of this to James Kennedy. Of course – why not confess to Jax’s mortal enemy? James is levitating with glee at this trashy news. Jax vehemently denies it.

Question Marc in Kenya's fake wedding

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta most of the ladies shocked me by putting on their big girl panties and behaving like actual adults. It was like visiting the Twilight Zone with the elegant, sophisticated ladies of Sheree Whitfield‘s dreams.

Porsha Williams finally learned the meaning of the word “accountability” and Cynthia Bailey realized if there’s one thing she discovered in her disastrous co-dependency with NeNe Leakes it’s to honor the friend contracts of her heart. Also, Marlo Hampton may have the best wardrobe, but she and her cat eye glasses are as messy as a litter box and need to be dumped!

You know what I despise about Housewives, how they’ll be in a gorgeous restaurant, all dressed up, then ruin it before the food even arrives! NeNe thinks Porsha deserves to be punished for what she did to NeNe Kandi Burruss. And that punishment is THE DOOR IS CLOSED.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Breaking Point

Molly’s face last night during her fight with Luis is all of our faces every time we watch 90 Day Fiance. I’d call it a mixture of outrage and disgust, with a bitter twist of obsession – feelings I have become one with as a fan of this show. Lest you think my disgust will ever stop me from watching, I have only the following to say: NEVER!!! Ain’t. Gonna. Happen. In fact, if 90 Day Fiance were a foreign dude, I would catfish the hell out of him and marry him on a K1 Visa tomorrow. We would live in a flop house above a fire station for the rest of our days. #TrueLove

Last night, we found out that Thai-David’s kids hate him as much as everyone else does! Annie has a front row seat for the drink throwing, which is served up courtesy of David’s daughter, Ashley. Molly finally calls Luis out on his comments about her kids, but he’s more concerned with her devil-candles. Seriously. Evelyn and David continue to be totally miserable in New Hampshire as they steam-iron the beige underwear they’ll rock on their wedding night. Josh and Aika visit a fertility doctor (snore), and Elizabeth’s sisters try to make Andrei break up with her by stealing her phone at her bachelorette party. These women are not twelve years old, by the way.

The Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap: When Chairs Fly

Like rhinestone cowgirls, The Real Housewives Of New Jersey formed a posse and sought street justice at the Posche Fashion Show. Ahh. It feels like old home week! That warm holiday spirit just fills the air when grown women decide to throw things at each other by way of Kim DePaola’s annual event honoring her strip mall boutique. While Teresa Giudice, Danielle Staub, Margaret Josephs, and Melissa Gorga went head to head with Kim, Siggy Flicker and Dolores Catania stood by, hoping not to get grazed by an airborne chair/glass/plate/flat screen TV.

But first, Margaret needs to redecorate her house. Interior designer Joyce comes over to take a look at the 1960s projection screen and ballrooms-turned-dining-turned-living-rooms. Joe the contractor is apparently not keeping up with Marge’s needs – at least outside of the bedroom. Marge and her mumu want changes NOW! Yes, there will be velvet on the walls! There will be bedazzled curtain rings! And Joyce promises it will be finished before Margaret returns from Italy in two weeks. Also, Margaret wants Joe to know about Kim D and all of her wily ways, as if Joe the contractor gives a flying fig about this phantom menace.

Survivor: HHH Episode 12 Recap: You Don’t Know The Half Of It

It’s safe to say that Survivor: HHH is starting to hit its stride, and just in time. Just one week removed from a powerful double-episode, tonight we were given what was simply the best episode this season…OK, it contained two of the lamest challenges you may ever see, but man was there great drama and good strategy throughout…there was also a shockingly awful move that will go down, unfortunately, as one of the worst blunders in Survivor history. And as we trimmed the field down to just six players left, a chaotic and exciting Tribal Council guaranteed that there will be an even playing field moving forward.

But first, please remember that this recap assumes that you have already seen this week’s Episode 12 of Survivor: HHH, so if you have not and don’t want to be spoiled, please come back later! It’s important to add too that while we WILL hit on all of the important developments of the episode, this is not a linear “blow-by-blow” recap, and is more of a discussion and reaction of what we just witnessed together.

CLICK THE CONTINUE READING BUTTON FOR MORE, AND THIS IS YOUR LAST *SPOILER* WARNING!

Below Deck season finale

Last night was the season finale of Below Deck. Valor whooshed into the dock for the very last time – at least it didn’t crash! Captain Lee Rosbach sent off his motley – literally – crew into the choppy seas and looked forward to a blue horizon filled with competent people. Unless Bravo has anything to do with!

Of course the last gasps of drama were still washing up onto the beach, little bottles with messages that people stopped caring about long ago. Well, all people except Jen Howell. And one little pirate of hearts who swashbuckled his way home – I’m talking about Nico Scholly. And aren’t all my sailing metaphors just as horrific as he is?!

Did Jax Taylor cheat on Brittany?

Last night was the season premiere of Vanderpump Rules. SIX LONG SEASONS I will have been recapping this show, and six long seasons I will have loved every minute of it. Well, OK, not every minute, but a lot of minutes. Last night did not disappoint on this rollercoaster to hell and back. Complete with costumes! But still can the writers over there get a new story besides cheating?!

At SUR, Tom Sandoval is still slinging drinks while dreaming of a less sloppy future. A Tomtastic future with sexy TVs and pot-tinis. Yes, you heard that right: pot-tinis, as in marijuana-laced mixed drinks. That sounds like a YouTube horror story about what teens are getting into to these days.

Lisa Vanderpump is moving forward with Tom-Tom, a restaurant centered around the Toms, and for the low introductory price of $100,000 dollars, paid in installments of $9.99 per month (for life) – taxes and fees apply – the real life Toms can become 10% partners in this glorious venture. One might think old (I used that word intentionally) Tom 1 would be grateful. Instead he is besieged with angst!

NeNe Leakes

What is it with these ladies on Real Housewives Of Atlanta? NeNe Leakes‘ husband Gregg is having serious health problems, and Kenya Moore‘s grandmother – who raised her! – just died, yet they’re all OK, let’s ditch everything to go party in San Francisco because Sheree Whitfield‘s life coach decided she needs some ME TIME. So, let Sheree take that ME without YOU time – y’all have other things going on!

So Sheree’s ‘doctor’s note’ means she decided to become a life coach herself and stage a rejuvenation from drama bonding trip. Remember how well that worked for Phaedra Parks?! Excuse me, but didn’t NeNe and Kenya actually hate Sheree like 15 minutes ago? Also, why San Francisco? Is there some secret prisoner’s girlfriend seminar happening?