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peter thomas & kordell stewart at the sports one opening with Kenya, Claudia, and Cynthia - RHOA

Last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta no one wanted to grow up as they took good old fashioned road trips, flirted with the football players, and relived their glory days at Ridgemont High on the last day of senior year. Also, Cynthia Bailey wore a stupid hat in every scene. Are her edges thinning too?!

NeNe Leakes gets picked up at the airport by Greggum, her basement troll clamoring into the sunshine for the first time in weeks, sadly it’s an overcast day and he’s forced to linger in the parking garage until he catches sight of the shiny ring. Still – it is human contact! NeNe reflects on Puerto Rico and acknowledges that maaaaaaybe her comments to Claudia Jordan were crass and terrible, so she apologized. An apology Claudia did not want to take. 

Then NeNe tells us her life used to be a Lifetime Movie and she worked her way through college stripping – basically living Kyle Richards’ dream as played by Tori Spelling circa 1992. Let’s just say, NeNe skipped English 101 in favor of studying Human Sexuality, which is how she knows about the amazing transitive powers of Clawdia’s clit. 

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sister wives kody christine

I was strangely anticipating Christine’s mother’s addition to Sister Wives last night? The thought of another woman adding to Kody Brown’s misery makes me a bit giddy. It has the potential to be pretty amazing, although given how boring this season has been thus far, I won’t hold my breath. How many road trips can one family take? Oh wait? Another road trip on last night’s episode? The Browns should buy stock in U-Haul. 

Mykelti and Aspyn are moving into their apartment, and Christine is devastated that she’s losing her free help and baby-sitters. She has a genius plan…she’ll invite her mother to come live with her to fill in the gap. How about actually taking care of your kids yourself? Nah, too easy. Her two eldest daughters are excited to be moving in together. The sisters have come a long way in their relationship from the fighting preteens they once were. Mykelti jokes that they can practice being sister wives. Aspyn wisely believes that actual sisters as sister wives is a terrible idea. Both girls agree that their half-sister Mariah would be a hard person to be sister wives with if they had to choose. You think?

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 Fullscreen capture 1222015 70504 AM

On last night’s Little Women LA, Briana Mason reignites her love life with a little online dating that turns serious fast, Terra Jole calls Christy McGinty out for stirring the pregnancy news pot, Traci Harrison and Erik experience a sad loss, and Todd goes HAM on a bunch of people out of nowhere, finally showing us why he is the perfect mate for Christy.

We start with Christy and Todd working out at the gym to get in “baby making shape.” Exercise is hard on little peoples’ bodies, says Christy, because they have the same muscle mass and bone density as average sized people, but everything is condensed. Little people also have the same stomach size, so it’s a challenge to keep their weight low on a regular diet.

mob wives boat

Who knew Big Ang had it in her? I’m still reeling over her altercation with friend Renee Graziano on last week’s episode of Mob Wives!

Last night’s show starts where last week’s left off, with Ang preparing to snap Renee’s neck. New Natalie DiDonato can’t believe she’s hanging out with a new and crazy group of women, but she’s kind of intrigued so she’s not going anywhere. Karen Gravano tries to wrangle Renee as she screams at a retreating Ang. Keep in mind that Ang isn’t fleeing because she’s fearful of Renee, but because she’s worried what she’ll do if she stays. It’s always a litmus test for insanity when Karen is the voice of reason. Poor Drita D’avanzo just wanted to have a nice party to promote her store.

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eileen davidson's poker night goes horribly awry on rhobh

Other than habitual mind games, I’m just gonna go ahead and declare that Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills should swear off game nights. The first one ended with a woman on crutches losing her crutches and being called a “slut pig” (holy foreshadowing metaphors at work there), and this latest one involved one woman almost needing crutches after being shoved down the stairs with a piece of pizza. Andy Cohen is redefining class for the modern age! 

It all starts out innocently enough, Kyle Richards plans a spa day and the girls put on an odd assortment of outfits ranging from soccer mom at Target to ladies who lunch at Bergdorffs. (Lisa Vanderpump has been suffering from an over-dressing problem lately. Brandi Glanville has been suffering from a combo of under-dress/not wearing enough clothes problem). 

Yolanda Foster is skipping this wonderful event, because despite being not being able to read, nor write, nor watch TV, she is in NYC micromanaging Gigi and Bella’s modeling careers and zipping around the globe hot on My Love‘s tail. YoFridgidaire is also seriously trying to make the stupid ‘Tile of Love’ walls happen because she sends Kyle a photo of her posed in front of the magnificent one the housekeepers made for Bella’s new apartment. I shade, but those Hadid girls are beyond beautiful and seem to have a really sweet relationship. 

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dance moms jojo

After last week, I wanted to be done with Dance Moms. The way Abby Lee Miller showed her arse talking to (and about) Nia and Kendall about drove me over the edge. However, part of it has to be for the show, right? Granted, I don’t think the girls are acting when we see tears or humiliation, but maybe, just maybe, Abby is all smiles and compliments and kittens and hugs when the cameras aren’t rolling. That’s how I am going to think of it from now on or else I may not make it through the season. Should Jeff Collins and Mona Scott Young get married and become the messiest and most diabolical reality show creating couple ever? I’d totally watch them on Couples Therapy!

After the fight with Abby at the recent competition, Jill and Holly are preparing for the fallout at the ALDC. Holly requests a meeting to clear the air, but the always mature Abby refuses to speak to her. In the pyramid, Abby tells the girls that the mothers questioning her is the same as them doubting her vocation in life. It’s hurtful to her…far more hurtful than the venom she spews at these young girls, of course! Abby congratulates the group on winning the group number and shares that Maddie won’t be competing this week as she’ll be performing at a benefit concert in Los Angeles. She then reveals the girls’ new head shots, and Kendall comes to the conclusion that even though it was incredibly rude of Abby to leave some of photo shoot, she clearly knows what she’s doing. That said, Kendall is on the bottom of the pyramid for crying in the dressing room when Abby screamed at her. Holly reminds Abby that she also cried last week when served with the court papers, but, no surprise, Abby’s tears were totally appropriate given the circumstance. Kalani is next for being beaten by Maddie and a no-named dancer in the solo division. Nia is third with a strong performance in the group number, followed by MacKenzie. Maddie is on top, and Abby praises that even though she didn’t win, losing every once in a while is good for her. 

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Kenya Moore and Brandi Glanville drink coffee for Celebrity Apprentice

Celebrity Apprentice continues to weed-out the calm players to make room for the drama to really roll out. And like a switch being flipped last night Kenya Moore set the wheels in motion. Finally – because we’ve been hearing about how so-called vicious this season was and I haven’t seen much evidence of that lately! 

Of course, most exciting was Joan Rivers appearing posthumously as an angel from fashion critique past. Awww… Joan, how we’ve missed you and your acerbic wit. I hope Heaven hasn’t made you any less caustic. 

It’s not that I’m disappointed by the rollicking hubris of Geraldo Riverabut at this point it’s as wholly predictable as Kate Gosselin being self-absorbed and bitchy. #BeenThereDoneThat! I’m starting to believe Geraldo is losing his touch because he’s been on the losing team two challenges in a row! Geraldo… don’t rest on your laurels!

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Stassi Schroeder and Katie Maloney end their friendship

Last night there was a shift in the balance of equilibrium on Vanderpump Rules. No, Kristen Doute didn’t suddenly stop obsessing over Tom Sandoval – quite the contrary, actually – but Katie Maloney extracted herself from Stassi Schroeder and washed that bad friendship out of her hair. 

Everyone has returned from Miami in high spirits – Lisa Vanderpump is impressed they managed to take a vacation without killing Scheana. Tom 1 and Ariana Madix even believe Tom’s talk with Kristen has given her the closure she needs and everything is peaceful. That peace, is the quiet before the storm, sadly. 

Scheana Marie Almost Famous has anointed herself as diplomat of SUR and plans to ask Lisa for a raise after all the good work she did using penis straws to reunite the group. Poor Stassi is left out in the cold. She hasn’t just been shivering outside, pressing her face against the window and drooling over the fried goat cheese balls, she’s been beading! Stassi has been hustling! She’s not just living off her parents! Stassi’s real hustle is convincing people to actually interact with her. 

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