It’s just four days until the fantasy nuptials of the future Mr. and Mrs. Kroy Biermann. As the time runs out, drama amps up…but it’s no longer mama drama on Don’t Be Tardy for the Wedding. Jen has become the MOH who is MIA.
Just like with every episode, the show begins with Kim Zolciak talking to the adorbs K.J. She is complaining to him about how lax her matron-of-honor Jen is being, and he is just giggling away in his Spiderman hoodie. Kim can’t dwell on slack attendants for long, she has tent issues to worry about. Severe tent issues that drive her to drink white zinfandel before lunchtime. Kim has visions of covering the pool and and getting hitched under a gazebo which will sit atop the jacuzzi. She never ever ever ever had dreams of a tent in her backyard to shield guests from potential bad weather.
The chefs of Around the World in 80 Plates are heading to Barcelona, Spain. All of the contestants are talking mad shiz about their cooking skills…and survival skills. Nookie Postal reveals that he and his wife lived for a year there solely on money from his stellar gambling skills. Nicole Lou is hesitant to return to Spain as that is where she married her now ex-wife. Chevin had an experience with a hermaphrodite upon which I won’t expound.
The first challenge pits every man for themselves. The first five people to reach the goal, which is basically a ski gondola, will be teammates, and the players are trying hard to make it to the gondola with people they want to compete with on a team. The first team, red, ends up being Chaz Brown, Cheven Lee, Gary Walker, Nick Lacasse, and John Vermiglio. The black team is…everyone else. For those of you keeping score at home, that means, Nookie, Avery, Nicole, Jenna Hansen, and Liz Garrett. Nookie is the sole dude with the ladies on the black team. Red team member John is worried about the sausage party in which he’s now involved. The red team arrives first to meet Curtis Stone, and one of the teammates yells, “Boys rule, and girls drool.” I’m taken back to my former first grade student Roy who said that. All. The. Time. The teams must sort and prep different seafood for cash. Whichever team wins the most money will win the exceptional ingredient.
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And the winner of American Idol is…nah, I won’t give it away until after the jump for those of you who decided to watch Law and Order: SVU (and by “you” I mean me) and save the Idol recap for later. I actually learned who won right before I started watching. Thanks DVR and internet. It’s down to Jessica Sanchez and Phillip Phillips. Who will it be? Let’s find out in what may be the most anticlimactic AI finale EVER. At least that lead in was dramatic, right? The final twelve perform, and blah, blah, filler, blah. Really do we need two more hours of Idol after two hours of Idol last night?
After the initial hoopla performance, the judges and Ryan Seacrest are introduced. Ryan and his bump-it recap the prior evening, making a two hour finale seem like just minutes with his suave style…in just a short two hours, we will have a new American Idol. He meets with the finalists, and Jessica admits she managed two hours of sleep before her big night. Smug Phil slept for nine hours. I want to reach through my television and smack him. I can’t remember the last time I slept for nine hours straight…and I need it. I need it bad, people.
Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County was all about the things we do for love. Some women finally change their name after a decade of marriage, some women overlook grifting opportunists because they bring her coffee, and some women… well they’ll just leave their man alone from 10-2 everyday so he can pretend to do stuff. Love is a powerful thing, but equally powerful is denial. I feel like Heather Dubrow needs to start teaching a class about how to have an adult relationship.
The other thing that happened was the sort of not so epic Tamra Barney vs. Alexis Bellino showdown. T’was sort of, I dunno, meh… and predictable.
Ok, so we begin with Brooks Ayers descending upon Vicki Gunvalson‘s office with of all things Starbucks. Blessed Starbucks. Hey, I’m a girl who loves her coffee and I wouldn’t throw a man out the door for bringing me lattes he bought on my credit card.
Shockingly Brooks was only bearing breakfast, not a folder full of Hallmark cards. Remember those wallets everyone’s dad used to have before smartphones and iPads – the ones with the flip out photo holder? I think Brooks has one full of affirmations and inspirational quote cards. Need a lift, I’ve got good tidings to go! I bet he just whips them out whenever Vicki starts asking too many questions.
Vicki tells Mr. Hallmark about the fight with Briana Culberson, including that Briana called him an opportunist. Brooks starts rambling on about how Briana has truth, her truth and I can see him straining to remember that Joel Osteen segment on being the best you you can be. Truthfully though, I think Brooks handled it well. Vicki doesn’t understand why Briana is upset, after all she’s always been the perfect mother! Yep – she said that.
Naturally, Vicki thinks Briana has daddy issues because of her father and Donn. I wonder if Briana has daddy issues or mommy issues? Vicki cries that she is tired of her life being under construction, she just wants her life to be finished product. Are these two perfect for each other or what? Love tanks, construction zones, what’s next? A garden analogy?
Devon Broyles from Richmond, Virginia is the teem mom we met on last night’s 16 and Pregnant. She brags about being mature for her age, as she’s sixteen and pregnant with her twenty-year-old boyfriend Colin whom she met after his first tour in Iraq.
Devon lives at home with her older brother, two sisters, and mom. Her folks are divorced, but her parents are still friendly, so her dad stays at their house when he’s in town. Hmm, what else? Oh yeah, Devon’s sister Jane is also a teen mom, so her one-year-old daughter lives there as well. Her mother also let Colin move in after the pair started dating. Where’s John Stamos because this is clearly a full house!
The couple reminisces about the many nights Devon would sneak Colin into the house late night, and once her mom busted them the following morning, he was allowed to move in for good. She got pregnant a few months later. Devon is focused on school while Colin supports the family by serving in the Reserves. She admits to her friends that she didn’t figure out she was pregnant until she was five months along. Yea prenatal care! Her friends laugh at her misfortune as she was always the life of every party.
After a volatile competition on the last Dance Moms: Miami, last night the dancers are back to learn their places on the list. Abby and Sammy are noticeably absent. Debi isn’t too sad to see that they aren’t present. Angel is upset about the drama that went down at the competition, especially with the moms (cough, cough, Suzie, he means you!).
Sammy is at the bottom of the list, presumably since she dropped Kimmy and then tried to blame shift, but it works out well since she’s also a no-show at practice. Hannah is fourth on the list due to technique even though she did well at the competition. Lucas, who won first for his solo, is third because he threw Sammy under the bus and tattled on her for saying Kimmy’s timing was off in the group number. Am I seeing things or did smoke just come out of Brigette’s ears? I think she’s more upset at that news than Lucas. Kimmy gains second place for taking the blame for something she didn’t do. Ani is shocked. She figured her daughter would be much further down the list due to her dancing. How weird is it not to see a mom get upset about their child’s placement! Jessi places first for dancing well and juggling the stress that her crazy mother bestowed upon her. True that!
We’ll just give you the highlights of last night’s season finale of Dancing with the Stars. If you just want the winner – skip to the bottom!
The judges pick Donald Driver and Peta Murgatroyd do give an encore performance. It’s not surprising since it was one of the most exuberant dances of the entire season. I may start watching the Green Bay Packers next season.
Each of the booted contestants return to do a performance with their partners, including Sherri Shepherd, whose dance with several men sends her hormones into overdrive and I suddenly remember how much she annoyed me. Am I the only one who forgot a few of these contestants existed? I had at least two “oh yeah! they were contestants in the beginning!” moments. Also, am I the only one who thought Jack Wagner’s attempt at sexy was a tad creepy?
Up first for the final dance: William Levy and Cheryl Burke with a Salsa. Wasn’t it just last night that Len told William that he needed to spice it up and stop shaking his butt and being so predictable? Len seemed to forget his previous criticism because he says if salsa and rhythm were an Olympic sport, he’d win the gold. Bruno says nobody does it better than William. The judges give them a perfect score of 30.
Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas choose the Jive, set to “Splish Splash”. Bruno tells her she has technique, versatility, and is a truly stunning dancer. Carrie Ann says she’s a brilliant artist. Another perfect score of 30.
Donald Driver and Peta Murgatroyd are up last and doing the Cha Cha Cha. Not sure the shirtless move was the best one – it was almost distracting and unnecessary. Carrie Ann says that he’s the one to beat. Len says that he’s the best footballer they’ve had over the years. Bruno says it’s a massive hit for “Donald the Magnificent”. The judges give them a perfect score of 30.
Last night’s episode of Bethenny Ever After felt like the end of an era. Bethenny Frankel rehashed the past and she and Jason Hoppy seemed to be finally moving forward in a positive direction. We were treated to several montages of Bethenny’s life on reality TV over the years and although this isn’t the finale it seems to be setting the stage to tie up a bunch of loose ends in preparation for next week’s final farewell.
Things begin with Jason and Bethenny visiting their new apartment, which is still under construction, but finally seems to be moving along. Bethenny is having some issues with the TV eclipsing the bar and since this is quite literally an apartment built on booze, sweat, and tears – Skinnygirl needs an altar.
Really though, she’s right. Not only does Bethenny Frankel Hoppy love her some libations, but an homage to the glorious liquor gods who made her rich seems fitting. I also think she needs a shrine to Andy Cohen.
We are treated to a montage of Skinnygirl over the years from Bethenny convincing the ever-so-classy ladies of Real Housewives of New Yorkto try a Skinnygirl margarita to learning she’d sold the brand to BeamGlobal.
Next up, Bethenny and Bryn head to Spanish class. Bethenny talks about wanting Bryn to have all the opportunities she didn’t have – namely parents that love and care for her and want to be involved in her life. Bethenny marvels at how perfect Bryn is and how unique. She describes Bryn as her own signature brand and the life of the party. Bethenny tells us her priorities have seriously changed since becoming a mommy and she wouldn’t want to miss a thing. Which is nice. She does seem totally enthralled with Bryn. I hope she always remembers that business is just business.
Side note: I love that Bethenny and Jason walk Bryn so many places.
It’s montage galore up in here! There’s another montage of Bryn‘s life and Bethenny‘s pregnancy. I cannot believe how big Bryn has gotten and how tiny Bethenny has become. Time really has flown.