Recaps

below deck rocky 2

“Somethin’ ’bout a boat, sittin’ on the sea; Out there in the wind, floatin’ on the free; Take you ’round the world, bring you back home; Gives a man hope, somethin’ ’bout a boat…Ain’t it crazy how somethin’ seems like nothin’ at all; Take a big old room, make it seem so small; Seein’ windows where there are walls, makes a whole lot of something out of nothin’ at all.” I admit it, these lyrics are in no way indicative of what we witnessed last night, but I love Jimmy Buffett, and he does use the word “crazy” which is applicable!

For the .07% of Bravo’s viewing population that wasn’t convinced that Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow is five-star crazy, last night’s Below Deck episode was just for you! It begins with Eddie Lucas putting out the kitchen fire and blaming the issue on Kate Chastain not taking the dirty pans out of the oven. Captain Lee Rosbach oversees the debacle as chef Leon Walker sleeps through the entire event. Kate tries to calm the guests who were awakened in the middle of the night by a fire alarm. The following morning, Amy Johnson can’t believe that Leon isn’t the least bit phased that his galley was up in flames the night before, and Connie Arias is shocked that Emile Kotze didn’t hear the ruckus. Rocky is quick dish to Leon that it was all Kate’s fault as Amy delivers breakfast in bed to the primary charter guest to start off his birthday celebration.

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RHOC Reunion Recap - Briana

What a weird Real Housewives Of Orange County reunion; filled with a whole lot of nothing with a few juicy bits stuffed in between, hanging out here and there, kind of like the weird smooches of flesh hanging over the cut-outs of Tamra Judge‘s very complicated dress. Seriously – Forever XXII is for 21 year olds!

Overall this has been a very weird season of Real Housewives Of Orange County. It’s almost Old Testament in its Biblical ruthlessness of judgement and excoriating righting of wrongs. It’s an eye-for-an-eye, or in this case a Jesus Barbie for a Jesus Jugs. 

Let’s just break down the important doo-dads before we get to Briana Culberson. Who Brooks is also threatening to sue! 

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On last night’s Ladies of London, the crew takes a trip to Baroness Caroline Fleming’s beautiful native country of Denmark. And a few of them are surprised to see just how much of a celebrity the Baroness is back in her homeland! Speaking of celebrity, Annabelle Neilson hooks up with long time friend and supermodel, Naomi Campbell, to walk the runway. Annabelle also stirs up some drama when she is asked to tell the group how she really feels about them on their trip. Spoiler alert: she’s not holding back!

Since the shooting party, the women have been moving forward with their lives. London’s fashion week is kicking off with a Fashion Relief for Ebola show in which Juliet Angus and Marissa Hermer are front row attendees. Juliet feels like she’s getting her fashion groove back on. After Naomi Campbell stomps the runway, Annabelle struts out later in a McQueen dress, looking every bit the pro she is. She’s been through a tough year after her horse accident, so this is an important moment for her. Marissa and Juliet like this lighter, fun Annabelle. She comes out post-show for hugs and humors Juliet and Marissa in some runway walk coaching. It’s light and goofy, as everything in this show should be! (More, please!)

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 lhh hollywood milan nikki hazel teairra

Last night’s episode of Love & Hip Hop Hollywood showed the men stepping up to the plate…or, at least a couple of them! After Miles revealed his secret to long time friend and one-time love Amber, she is leaning on friends and family for support. She can’t fault him for his feelings, and now she’s ready to hear Miles’ story. She calls him, and he admits to being with Milan. Amber is defensive and threatens to call Milan if he doesn’t come clean about the pair’s situation. He tells her that they are in a relationship, and she’s angry and hurt given that the three have often hung out together “as friends.” She warns him that she is going to get to the bottom of things…didn’t she just do that? 

Teairra Mari and Moniece are getting manicures after ruining their nails during their altercation with Princess. Teairra rehashes her heated conversation with Ray-J. She is so over him…at least for this episode. She is looking into getting liposuction so she can feel confident with her body. Who needs exercise? Moniece thinks that her friend needs to do whatever it takes to feel good about herself. Lil’ Fizz is once again watching son Cameron even though it’s supposed to be Moniece’s time with their child. Fizz loves every moment spent with Cameron, but he hates disappointing his son whenever Moniece is a no-show.

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Manzos and Scalias In Italy

Last night on Manzo’d With Children times were a’changin’ as Vito Scalia and Lauren Manzo told their parents it was time for them to claim some independence. Naturally that was just token gesture, and absolutely nothing will change. 

The Manzo-Scalia bunch is still in Italy. For their final night in the paradise of Caroline Manzo‘s 1/16th dreams they are amid the splendors of a villa that is both a working farm and a restaurant. Alas it will be a nightmare for Vito Sr. and Denise when their blessed miracle Vicotta tells them the worst news they could imagine: he doesn’t want children he’s planning to open his own deli in Manhattan. 

I’ll get to that in a second. 

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Woohoo! Reality Tea has gotten our K1 Visa approved to recap everyone’s favorite TLC trainwreck of a show: 90 Day Fiance! I got sucked into this unbelievably addictive show last season, and am already yelling at my TV each Sunday night (don’t judge!) as we wade into the season ahead, which promises to bring us more true love stories mixed up with a healthy dose of delusion, disillusionment, and grifting (can anyone say: Mohammed from season 2?). Let’s meet our players for season 3: Melanie and Devar, Mark and Nikki, Josh and Aleksandra, Loren and Alexei, Fernando and Carolina, and Kyle and Noon. Each of these couples must go through the process of bringing their non-US citizen fiancé to the country on a K1 Visa, which gives them exactly 90 days to get married. Let the countdown begin!

In episodes 1 and 2, we were introduced to almost all of the couples (at least in part), with the exception of Fernando and Carolina, who we’ll learn more about tonight. But before then, we pick up with possibly the most disturbing duo of all: 58-year old Mark and 19-year old Filipino native, Nikki. Mark raised four children on his own after his ex-wife, also Filipino, abandoned them years ago. So, he’s looking for love again…with a girl woman who is younger than all of his children, and could even be his grandchild. Mark’s daughter, Elise, thinks he should have a problem with this small little detail. Because she sure does.  

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sister wives adoption family photo

Last night’s Sister Wives continued the very anti-climatic adoption adventures of the Brown clan. The adults converge on the cul-de-sac to head to their attorney’s office. Kody Brown explains for the eighty-seventh time why he’s adopting Robyn’s biological children is so important. Robyn is concerned that her kids may have to take the stand in family court and that they won’t realize just how emotional it will be for the grown-ups. Meri discusses her conflicting feelings both before and during the divorce process from Kody. She admits that she’s had some surprising revelations she’s determined to keep hidden for now–Meri wants her focus to be on the adoption.  

Madison has an announcement, and she wants to meet with her dad, Janelle, and Christine. She explains that she’s already told her mom her big news, she wants to share it with her father and Christine. She states that while she loves Meri and Robyn, she has a special bond with Christine who was her stay-at-home mom. Madison begins by telling Kody that he’s going to be a grandfather. Stunned, Kody and Christine are silent long enough for Madison to assure them she was just joking. She’s in love, and it’s with someone the family knows. When Madison utters his name, “Caleb Brush,” Christine tackles her from across the room. She LOVES that boy! It’s sweet to see how happy Madison is as well. He’s the brother of her aunt, but not a blood relative. Caleb’s sister was Kody’s late brother’s wife. Christine wants to know if they are going to get married. Kody wants to pump the brakes. Isn’t Caleb ten years older than Madison? Madison reminds her father he’s eleven years older than her mother. She then calls Meri and Robyn over to share her excitement. It is hands down the happiest we’ve seen Meri this season.

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It seems like we blinked, and just like that, the finale of the Real Housewives of New Jersey: Teresa Checks In is here. We laughed, we cried. In a brief moral crisis, we wondered why we were laughing and crying (maybe that was just me?). But it all comes to a close now, as Teresa Giudice checks in for the last time on national TV before she is released in December from Danbury Correctional Facility.

Since Teresa has been locked up, Joe Guidice has been running the household. Which means he has been spending 100% of his time trying to control Tropical Storm Milania. After fixing a clogged sink for cutie-patootie Audriana, Joe heads outside where Milania is feeding rocks to the pond fish (because she spilled all of their food on the ground). Gabriella is attempting to discipline Milania, but she gives up quickly, knowing it’s a futile battle. Joe Gorga comments that he has to hand it to Juicy for taking care of these 4 little girls because “they’re not just normal girls; they’re tough!”   

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