Recaps

vpr-reunion-2-recap-tom

Something curious has happened to Tom 1 over the course of Vanderpump Rules. He's grown from a boy to a man. He has freed himself from the shackles of Kristen Doute's psychotic tyranny and Stassi Schroeder's emotional manipulations and terrible party planning. He has flourished from a sad, aimless emotional wrecking ball to a proud manish metrosexual. 

Last night Tom 1 let his anger roar as he took down Stassi, put Kristen in her place, and practically ground Jax Taylor's aging meathead under his boot heel. And never did a hair bend out of shape! Is Ariana Madix responsible for this surge in testosterone – as if releasing himself from Kristen has allowed Tom 1's poor shriveled manliness to blossom Phoenix-style.

Whatever – I was impressed. Take no prisoners Tom. Actually, no, do take Jax prisoner and lock him away from the rest of us because boy deserves to do hard time not these puny 'you can keep your designer sweater' jail stints! 

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rhobh-recap-kyle

Everything Housewives gets "gated". And here on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills we have graduated from cheating-gate, and hair-gate, and lastminutecancellation-gate, to necklace-gate; and most excitingly: you'recursed-gate. It's been a while since we've had a good curse on Housewives #Season1CamilleGrammer #Pernicious. 

So that's what we're dealing with here and like sand through the hourglass these here are the days of our caftans. Cause you know, Kyle Richards was on Days of Our Lives for a splits richards second. 

Anyway, Brandi Glanville has a problem with her tongue and her mouth and her speech and her general planet trashiness was affected by wonky aspirin. Which is a good thing because she also has a problem with *gasp* Lisa Vanderpump. Appprrrrrntly, Lisa holds within her bejeweled hands the power to deport people, destroy their lives, poison their aspirin, and dig up their ex-husband's long-dead mistress from the grave to release her from her coffin on the very moment when you walk into a Bravo-sponsored season finale party at her restaurant. Or something like that that. Cause if anyone knows how to work a good curse it's not plastic tits on a tan witch Snarlton Gebbia, but Giggy-loving Lisa! 

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rhoa-recap-nene

Certain ladies of Real Housewives of Atlanta need to read Secrets of A Southern Belle… – it should be required reading! But if everyone behaved civilly there wouldn't be any of that potent drama! Also, an evite does not an invitation make. When did the evite replace the speakerphone invite?! Technology sucks! Next we'll be tweet-viting. 

Kenya Moore is throwing an "elegant Eyes Wide Shut" masquerade ball in the theme of shade. Because NeNe Leakes is furious with her for "ruining" her pillow talk nightmare, Kenya is returning the favor by setting NeNe up to ruin one of her parties. Kenya is sending out evites, she's planning the event with Marlo Hampton and she's decided to make NeNe the secret guest of honor by having the party actually be a charity auction where the proceeds benefit NeNe's favorite charity. 

But – and here's the big BUTT – Kenya isn't going to bother to call NeNe on the phone to discuss how she's the guest of honor. "I'm gonna kill her with kindness," Kenya threatens, adding that she wants to mend things with NeNe because she used to look up to her as an "older sister". NeNe and Kenya are the same age (46 and 43). 

Kenya and Marlo discuss her plan at Miss Lawrence's salon (I thought he lost his license?). Marlo warns Kenya that she's looking at months of the silent treatment out of NeNe after pillow talk. Kenya rubs her hands together, cackles her evil laugh, eyes flashing and bellows 'I know how to make a bitch squeal!' Eyes wide shut indeed. 

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sister wives

Blah, blah, mission statement, yada, yada, yada commitment ceremony. Give me something to work with, Browns! Last night's Sister Wives was more of the same as the family prepped for their big party. The yards of the cul-de-sac compound are almost complete, so that's one thing they can check off their list, but what about dresses for the wives and the actual mission statement itself? Kody jokes that with four wives it's easier to make decision because it's like he has a committee to get things done. Christine recognizes that in a monogamous relationship there is no tie-breaker. It's so profound. 

One of Janelle's friend's daughter has just graduated from school with a degree in fashion design, and she's volunteered to create four custom dresses. Each wife has a vision for her dress because, you know, they're "fashion designers" in addition to being "jewelry designers." Not surprisingly, Meri is asking a ton of questions and has countless opinions. She wants edgy, not elegant. No worries there! Janelle admits that she has warned Sam the designer about how picky particular Meri can be. I guess we're not the only ones still harping on her need for a wet bar!

Kody and his wives are meeting with their family therapist to get assistance with their mission statement. Christine fancies herself quite the writer, although her wife counterparts aren't too sure. Robyn gets choked up every time they read over it. Of course she does. She's mainly concerned with how the completed mission statements will be displayed. Somebody call Cracker Barrel to get some ideas! Kody wants the statement immortalized on canvas and signed by all the wives. Janelle is worried that putting it on canvas could be limiting if Kody gets another wife. While she doesn't foresee Kody getting another wife, they didn't foresee Robyn coming either. Ouch. Kody thinks he's pretty much done with wives. Meri is worried that once the the mission statement is completed and the commitment ceremony is over, the family will sink back into dysfunction. Kody wishes Meri wouldn't be such a Debbie Downer all the time.  Amen.

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couples-therapy-kelsey-ghost-latrice

Last night's Couples Therapy went like – Ghostface Killah went to the booty market,  Kelsey Nykole stayed at home.  Taylor Armstrong had fillers and vodka, Farrah Abraham had fillers and rum. And Jon Gosselin went boo hoo hoo all the way home.  Only, the end is only wishful thinking on my part.  Jon boohooed but never went home.  Because, paycheck.  The dude needs money to pay child support buy hair gel and smokes. 

From last week, Kelsey just stormed out of a therapy session she was sharing with Ghost and Latrice.  So Taylor sniffs out the drama and follows Kelsey because the delusional fruitcake seems to think she's one of the therapists. Dr. Jenn Berman, who isn't much better than Taylor, appears and reminds Kelsey that she doesn't need crumbs of Ghost's love. Kelsey says she's done with him but wants to apologize to Latrice. 

Kelsey doesn't have any reason to apologize, in my opinion, but she has more class and empathy in one of her hair folds than Ghost has in his entire body. She tells Latrice that she wouldn't have let Ghost into her world had she known she was his side piece, adding, "Not sure what Ghost has told you, but we was developing something." A devastated Latrice wonders if she will be able to trust Ghost after this. Huh? Really, girl?  

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mob wives big ang

Last night's Mob Wives was a big ol' Twitter hating, lingerie wearing, baby building, screaming mess. Can you guess who was doing the most?  

It begins with Renee Graziano heads to Drita D'avanzo's house for dinner with Natalie Guercio and Alicia deMichele Garofalo. Drita is prepared to play the role of mediator. She isn't going to let anyone get physical in the house she just redecorated. The meal starts out as an awkward, tense blind date. Even Big Ang is quiet, which is unheard of for her. Renee calls out Alicia for not eating, and Alicia takes the opportunity to say she wants to calmly rehash their issues. Alicia confronts Renee about spreading rumors about her that are jeopardizing her case. Renee admits that she is guilty of gossiping, but she'd never be a rat. Alicia accepts what Renee has to say, and she doesn't believe she's leaked any information to the press. Renee believes that Alicia has a giant problem with her best friend Carla, and the women's discussion gets heated.

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reza-farahan

On the season finale of Shahs of Sunset, we celebrate Reza Farahan's 40th birthday and engagement to his boyfriend, Adam Neely.  In other words, his save face tour has come to an end. Blech. Please forgive me for not feeling all warm and fuzzy toward King Reza.

Before the birthday bash in Palm Springs, Reza and Mike Shouhed hit up the gym. Reza wants to lower his "chunk factor" before he turns 40. Um, yeah. Get back to me when he works on his "racist" and "misogynist" factors.  So, Mike and Reza talk business after their workout, which doesn't get intense enough to keep Reza from wearing gold jewelry or chomping on gum like a cow.  Reza insists Mike didn't want to pay his dues as a new agent.  Mike feels Reza never made an effort to mentor him. Back and forth we go. Again.

In the end, Mike declares he doesn't have the patience for a honest day's work residential real estate, so he's going back to commercial.  Reza babbles on about them raising babies together despite their divorce, blah, he's not as witty as he thinks he is, blah, and then they hug it out. 

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teen-mom-2-recap-chelsea

Last night the ladies of Teen Mom 2 forged ahead – some in a positive direction, some in a delusional direction, and some were just Jenelle Evans who will go in any direction that seems the stupidest at any given time. 

Leah Calvert is still reeling from Ali's diagnosis. The girls are at Corey's for the weekend and she is home alone with Adalynn while Jeremy is working in PA for a month. Three little kids. Alone. A month. I would develop a drinking problem. And yes, I have two little kids. 

Leah's mom comes over to check in and they discuss Ali's future. Leah is positive they'll have to move because their house has too many stairs to accommodate Ali's wheelchair. Leah's mom's heart is broken over the situation. I love this family. I love them so much I forget Leah has a purple muppet wig on her head dangling into her frosted silver eyes. Later Leah tells Jeremy she's found a farm, but it's in a different county, 40 minutes away, but Ali will benefit from equine and water therapy so they want to have a space where she can have a pony. 

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