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rhoc-proposal

If ever there was a reason to say no to a proposal, it was an autotune-botched warbling of a wannabe Taylor Swift. And that proposal came courtesy of Gretchen Rossi. But of course Slade Smiley, who has been practicing the trickling of a single tear in the mirror for weeks, did not say no. Oh no … HE said yes! And it was all over-acted to puke-fection. 

So yeah, let's start there shall we with the Real Housewives of Orange County proposal that just went on and on and on and on. Phase One: Slade at work at his radio station pretending he has a job like doing things on the radio. I was always convinced he just put up some microphones in Gretchen's overly cluttered garage, but apparently Radio Slade is a for realz thing. 

Slade's partner announces a new song. A voice, a voice like mystic magic floating over clouds of heaven comes soaring over the airways. 'That sound…' gasps Slade staring off into the distance. I think someone has been watching The Sound Of Music… That voice, that he does not recognize because even WITH heavily deployed autotune it still sounds flat, plastic, and phony as hell (not unlike its owner), is Gretchen. And that song is asking him to marry him.

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joseline

Has the season of Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta already flown past us in a flurry of unblinged Rolexes, popcorn hos, no-necks, cabin fever (and flings!), and Joseline Hernandez one-liners?  Sadly, it appears so.  Last night was the season finale, and wow.  I don't know if Stevie J. totally appalls me, or if I should be impressed by his sheer ego induced stupidity.

The episode begins with Stevie asking Joseline to clarify her question.  She spells it out that she is asking him to marry her.  He's not willing to say yes, but he likes the ring so he'll wear it.  Joseline is special to him…and she buys him expensive gifts.  Stevie thinks that patience is a virtue, and Joseline is thrilled that he's kind enough to wear the token of her undying devotion.  Someone get her some self-esteem STAT.

Rasheeda invites Traci Reece, Erica Dixon, and Karlie Redd over for cocktails and nursery painting.  She reveals that she's having a boy…and that she's consulted an attorney about her situation with husband Kirk Frost.  Erica is saddened.  Whose dysfunctional relationship can she look up to now?  Speaking of, Rasheeda asks about Lil' Scrappy and his problem with the wiz-nigh-ee.

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princesses-long-island-ashlee-white

So, I'm not sure if you're aware, but the big gossip surrounding Princesses: Long Island is Joey Lauren's "persecution" of Ashlee White. HAHA. Ashlee is delusional – with a capital D – and her take on her ongoing feud with Joey is hilarious. Did you know Joey went after Ashlee at Amanda Bertoncini's white party?  For no reason, Joey angrily screamed at Ashlee,  "Nobody's on your side!" Is this bish for real? Her little recap leaves out the part where she tells Joey that none of "her" friends like her just to hurt her feelings.

"Love your enemies," advises the little wise one troll. "Just in case your friends turn out to be schmucks." 

Am I sleeping? Is this a nightmare? I need a break from Ashlee – who's next? Ah, obnoxious Amanda and her speech challenged sister Taylor, of course. Bravo clearly has a mean spirited sense of humor. Amanda and Taylor are shopping. And talking. Amanda asks, "Want some Froooyooo?" and Taylor responds, "Froyo makes you lose weight, right?" Sure, it also boosts brain power, so eat up!

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sister wives

I can't apologize enough for being late to the game with last week's debut of Sister Wives.  Sometimes, I pine so much for Kody Brown's glorious mane that I lose sight of everything else…even the show itself.  Of course, the premiere showed Robyn and Meri fight for My Sister Wives Closet when Kody, Janelle, and Christine aren't necessarily jiving with the "hobby."  In a nutshell, the baubles bomb at a local jewelry expo, and we are left to wonder–yet again–where the Browns will get the money for their dream cul-de-sac.

Last night's episode gave viewers a peek into what the ladies do in their daily lives when it's not their night to spend with Kody.  {heebie jeebies}  Kody also laments that he feels like a constant vagabond skipping from one far-flung rental home to another.  Janelle is hard at work in the gym, and she's starting to see some progress with her weight loss goal.  While she feels kind of like a single mom, she hasn't totally hated exploring her independence away from the family chaos.  You know she's going to be the first to cut and run from this disaster.

Robyn is getting on Kody and the other wives for not being as involved in My Sister Wives Closet.  Kody is concerned that people will mistake his attempts to sell trinket jewelry as patrolling for wife number five.  Christine and Janelle are not on board…they really want to pursue their real estate careers.  Janelle's kids are feeling the pressure of the family's stress, and Janelle is breaking up fights left and right while Kody tries to relax.  There is kicking and screaming and door slamming and video game confiscation and swearing.  Perhaps TLC should consider a Super Nanny crossover?  Janelle calls for reinforcement in the form Goldilocks while the boys rumble.  As Kody tries to discipline his boys, he explains that he often feels like a visitor and has less credibility with his family.  Ding, ding, ding!  We have a winner, ladies and gentlemen!

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andrea-kelly-sheree-fletcher

Season two of Hollywood Exes is off to a rough start. Nicole Murphy lost her father, the ratings are down, Daphne Wayans proved to be more trouble than she's worth,  Sheree Fletcher misplaced her storyline,  and Drea Kelly's obsession with Jessica Canseco is getting old. The only bright spot thus far is Mayte Garcia's adoption of Gia. She's a cutie, for sure, but some fans wonder if Mayte is emotionally stable enough to handle motherhood. We'll see…

This week, Mayte's dad is coming to town to meet Gia, so Mayte sets up a mini makeover for Nelly. Mayte's parents haven't seen each other in 1 1/2 years. Seems weird – but it works for them. Mayte loves Nelly's updated look, saying, "Mom's gonna get some, um, EWW." Meanwhile, Sheree and Drea shop for baby stuff, with a side dish of bash Jessica. Doesn't Drea have a broken foot? Sheree have some ash to whoop? Anything to do besides talk about Jessica? 

First, Drea picks out a blue bib, and Sheree suggests one that's more girly. Drea finds a purple bib, and Sheree lectures, it's too Prince-y. Seriously? Then, Drea gets emotional, buying baby stuff for Mayte. Drea and Sheree agree that Mayte seems less sad and no longer stuck in a state of mourning since Gia

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rhonj-recap

So last night's episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was, dare I say it, fun! And positive. I was clearly watching the wrong show. Or I fell into the Twilight Zone.

While Teresa Giudice and Poison are practicing their "I Feel" statements with Dr. V in the anti-psychotic chamber, the rest of the crew (with Caroline Manzo now in attendance!) is discussing Jacqueline Laurita. Yes, Teresa blames Jacqueline for the Mayan Calendar failing to drop a house on Melissa Gorga's head. And yes, Jacqueline blames Teresa for her spontaneous combustion which left nothing but some wine corks and a pile of old tweets on Chris' pillow. 

So anyway, Jacqueline is here in spirit. Evil spirit!

After Dr. V convinces Teresa and Poison they need to like spend time together not arguing and everyone hugs, Melissa comes in. I was really confused about when Tammy Faye Baker was cast on RHONJ, but there she was sitting there with Dr. V and Poison tearing up and refusing to take responsibility for anything. Huh… OH – wait – that was just Teresa with the worst, most ridiculous eye makeup ever. Seriously, she is so much prettier without the crazy eyelashes and the bad weave. 

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dm1

So, last night was the big recital for Abby Lee Miller's studio, and while y'all deserve a better intro, I'm kind of baffled/saddened/confused about what happened on last night's Dance Moms.  Let's just get on with the recap, shall we?

The girls are preparing for the ALDC annual dance concert.  Abby allows her girls to be slightly thrilled for their group dance victory last week before announcing Paige as the bottom of the pyramid.  She makes Paige share why she's at the bottom…and it's for a minute mistake in the group routine.  Kelly is livid.  Maddie gets praised for a costume mishap, and her daughter is the lowest of the low for coming out of a turn too soon.  Kelly says as much, and Abby is irate.  To make her point, she makes Maddie drop and give her twenty push-ups to "appease" Kelly.  That is horrible.  Kelly's beef is with Abby, not with Maddie, and it's sick to see how Abby tries make alienate Maddie from her peers.

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rhoc-recap-gretchen-sings

Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Orange County was pretty boring. And by boring I mean tragic. And deafening. Gretchen Rossi tried to sing but she forgot to bring the big, pink plastic handbag holding her autotune with her. Oh the results were more tragic than a Made in Sweatshop plasticine Gretchen Christine handbag. Also plastic her face and now her lips. We'll discuss in a minute…

Moving on to other adventures in RHOC things, are still a mess between Vicki Gunvalson and Brooks. And by a mess I mean Vicki's life and hair are sadly reflecting her inner life. Get a brush and comb things out. Seriously – get a smoothing serum too. And call Dr. V

So let's begin… Gretchen has returned from Whistler and her friendship with Tamra Barney is as frozen and icy as her face. Did I mention her hair doesn't move either but it permanently looks wind swept? How? Mystery of science if I've ever seen one. Let's call Myth Busters! 

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