Last week's episode of Princesses: Long Island ended with Ashlee Whitepoofing into thin air. I don't know about you guys but I've barely been able to sleep, eat, or care for my children. Worry consumes me! What if bad people kidnap Ashlee and force her to eat mixed cheese? What if she breaks a heel? What if Ashlee's parents hightail it outta Long Island before she's found? Who will care for little orphan Ashlee?
Thankfully, Chanel Omari is on the case, looking high and low for Ashlee. Mostly low. Winery employees can barely contain their smirks. I have a feeling they couldn't care less about Long Island's precious little snowflake. They're clearly bad people. Meanwhile, Chanel sobs, "All I can think about is, what's happening to her right now?" I know. I know! Cheeses, heels, orphans, it's all too much to process at once. Chanel adds, "I can't think about losing Ashlee forever." It's like she can read my mind!
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Last night's Real Housewives of New Jersey was all very…orange. From Caroline Manzo's hair as she bossed around her family and tried broker a treaty between Jacqueline Laurita and Teresa Giudice to Joe Gorga's billboard extravaganza, orange was definitely the color scheme. Thankfully, it's a color I like. What I don't like is all the underhanded quips and lack of accountability, but I've learned that behavior is par for the course with this crowd!
Melissa Gorga takes her boys to visit Joe at the job site and he gets a call asking him to model on a tanning salon billboard. Mel doesn't want to join him in his highway advertising debut because Tre once did a commercial for the same salon. What a throwback! Melissa doesn't want Teresa to assume she's copying her yet again. She's content just to drive the bulldozer. All of the bouncing and shrieking and "make it stop" is probably something Joe is used to hearing in the bedroom.
Teresa is hosting the first family dinner in ages. She has her girls help her prepare the table, and they are excited to see their cousins. Teresa asks the always entertaining Melania if she plans to cook for her husband when she grows up. Um no. Melania's husband will definitely be cooking for her.
Sheree asks Jessica why she hightailed it out of her birthday dinner. Jess explains, Josie invited a boy over, and she wanted to spy and/or surprise them by returning home earlier than expected. Sheree doesn't believe her. She pushes the issue, asking if Drea made her feel uncomfortable, but Jessica stands by her story. You mean the world doesn't revolve around Drea? Woah. Somebody better check her email. In all seriousness, I don't believe Jessica either, but I also can't blame her for fleeing from that restaurant.
Sheree pretty much tells Jessica that they all talked about her after she left. Sheree reminds Jessica of the comments she made about Gia's birth mother, adding, "We all came to the consensus that your timing was off." Jessica plays dumb. Sheree chastises Jessica for ruining Mayte's celebratory moment. And Jessica plays dumber. Sheree urges Jessica to reach out to Mayte, adding, "You don't have to be wrong to offer an apology." Jessica says she wants to make things right. Mayte's keeper will stop this from happening.
Last night's Sister Wives was lacking all the whine that has been present for last few weeks. Thankfully, I wasn't lacking in wine. Sometimes it takes a little pinot noir for me to watch Robyn, Meri, Christine, and Janelle fight for Kody Brown's affections. Hey, I get it…that hair would make me a fool for love too!
Robyn has got to be over the moon. Not two short weeks ago, no one wanted to be involved in My Sister Wives Closet, but now business-minded Janelle realizes it could be the perfect avenue to create a line of modest exercise gear. Christine is also hopping on the bandwagon after she got the tragic news that realtor actually have to do work, so that job prospect is out of the question. She wants to market the business with some t-shirts, but Kody doesn't want to cheapen the company with fumpy gimmicks. For someone who didn't want to be a part of this gig, Kody sure is vocal. Robyn jokes that Kody needs to put on his big boy panties. Has he done something different with his beard? Dead sexy.
Janelle is getting frustrated with the plateau in her weight loss goals. While she was consistently losing weight in the beginning, the numbers aren't getting lower now. Janelle counts her calories and works out an hour a day, six days a week. Her trainer convinces her to bring in her scale. He wonders why Janelle is focused on the number on the scale when now she's running and getting stronger. He makes her take a sledgehammer to the scale, and Janelle feels liberated. She then models some pants that are now several sizes too big, and she realizes that she is making major progress.
Have y'all missed Cathy and the Candy Apples? Abby Lee Miller certainly has not, and we got to hear all about it on last night's Dance Moms. Is it just me, or has this been like the longest season in the show's history? Geez Louise!
After touting her recital as a raving success, Abby goes straight into the pyramid. Not surprisingly, Paige is on the bottom for not participating, followed by sister Brooke. Abby rants on about how she was giving Brooke the opportunity to resurrect her old song, but that Kelly loves to thwart her daughters' happiness at every turn. Kelly, Brooke, and Paige are not in attendance. Surprisingly, Asia is after Brooke, and for once, Jill and Christi may get to see more tears (they love when Asia cries, don't they?). Asia will never be allowed to dress herself after that backwards pants fiasco. Nia rounds out the bottom for just being mediocre, and Holly speaks up that Abby never gives her daughter extra time.
If ever there was a reason to say no to a proposal, it was an autotune-botched warbling of a wannabe Taylor Swift. And that proposal came courtesy of Gretchen Rossi. But of course Slade Smiley, who has been practicing the trickling of a single tear in the mirror for weeks, did not say no. Oh no … HE said yes! And it was all over-acted to puke-fection.
So yeah, let's start there shall we with the Real Housewives of Orange County proposal that just went on and on and on and on. Phase One: Slade at work at his radio station pretending he has a job like doing things on the radio. I was always convinced he just put up some microphones in Gretchen's overly cluttered garage, but apparently Radio Slade is a for realz thing.
Slade's partner announces a new song. A voice, a voice like mystic magic floating over clouds of heaven comes soaring over the airways. 'That sound…' gasps Slade staring off into the distance. I think someone has been watching The Sound Of Music… That voice, that he does not recognize because even WITH heavily deployed autotune it still sounds flat, plastic, and phony as hell (not unlike its owner), is Gretchen. And that song is asking him to marry him.
Has the season of Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta already flown past us in a flurry of unblinged Rolexes, popcorn hos, no-necks, cabin fever (and flings!), and Joseline Hernandez one-liners? Sadly, it appears so. Last night was the season finale, and wow. I don't know if Stevie J. totally appalls me, or if I should be impressed by his sheer ego induced stupidity.
The episode begins with Stevie asking Joseline to clarify her question. She spells it out that she is asking him to marry her. He's not willing to say yes, but he likes the ring so he'll wear it. Joseline is special to him…and she buys him expensive gifts. Stevie thinks that patience is a virtue, and Joseline is thrilled that he's kind enough to wear the token of her undying devotion. Someone get her some self-esteem STAT.
Rasheeda invites Traci Reece, Erica Dixon, and Karlie Redd over for cocktails and nursery painting. She reveals that she's having a boy…and that she's consulted an attorney about her situation with husband Kirk Frost. Erica is saddened. Whose dysfunctional relationship can she look up to now? Speaking of, Rasheeda asks about Lil' Scrappy and his problem with the wiz-nigh-ee.
So, I'm not sure if you're aware, but the big gossip surrounding Princesses: Long Island is Joey Lauren's "persecution" of Ashlee White. HAHA. Ashlee is delusional – with a capital D – and her take on her ongoing feud with Joey is hilarious. Did you know Joey went after Ashlee at Amanda Bertoncini's white party? For no reason, Joey angrily screamed at Ashlee, "Nobody's on your side!" Is this bish for real? Her little recap leaves out the part where she tells Joey that none of "her" friends like her just to hurt her feelings.
"Love your enemies," advises the little wise one troll. "Just in case your friends turn out to be schmucks."
Am I sleeping? Is this a nightmare? I need a break from Ashlee – who's next? Ah, obnoxious Amanda and her speech challenged sister Taylor, of course. Bravo clearly has a mean spirited sense of humor. Amanda and Taylor are shopping. And talking. Amanda asks, "Want some Froooyooo?" and Taylor responds, "Froyo makes you lose weight, right?" Sure, it also boosts brain power, so eat up!