A dear, dear lifelong friend (transplanted to Boston but addicted to seeing her state featured on Southern Charm) texted me a “Which Southern Charm Gentleman is Your Soul Mate” (or something to that effect) quiz, stating, “I’ll tell you mine, but ONLY after you tell me yours.” I got Shepard “Shep” Rose (natch), and she hesitantly admitted that her match was Whitney Sudler-Smith’s divinely devilish mother. She lamented, “I think it’s slightly embarrassing that an opinionated lady who loves her medicine is my soul mate. What does that say about me?!?” Um, I’d say it just confirms how amazing my friend is…had I known Ms. Pat was an option, I may have swayed my responses! That said, last night’s episode proves that Whitney and Patricia are just fine playing the villainous upper echelon who take pleasure in looking down (way down!) on their co-stars. She’s like the love child of Julia Sugarbaker and Regina George with her flawless style, biting observations, and ultimate Mean Girl exclusion.
The show begins with Patricia summoning her butler (the newbie Mr. Belvedere has been busy polishing the silver…I’m glad to see he got the job!) to request glue sticks on his next run to the Publix. She’s compiling scrapbooks for her son as practice for a wedding photo album, but you won’t find these leather, gold-embossed babies on Pinterest, that’s for sure. Patricia opines about Whitney’s young, European reality star girlfriend and their foray into foreign tabloids as she dreams of a couture Valentino for their ceremony. Whitney arrives to complain about the Sandy Duncan from hell who Thomas Ravenel has enlisted to run his campaign. She doesn’t like the Raise the Roof ad, and Patricia is confused by this serf’s taste in low-budget political propaganda. Pat found her son’s vision of a dancing T-Rav to be “brilliant.” The duo laughs at the thought that any ad or manager could get Thomas a seat in the US Senate, as Whitney recaps his fundraiser at Bowen’s Island (Patricia briefly turns into Cher Horowitz…”as if” she’d attend any event off the peninsula!). He relays Kathryn Dennis’ bunny boiler meltdown when she felt condescended to by Whitney. Patricia poo poos the grammar and turns the attention to her diamond studded flats.
We’ve finally made it to the other side, y’all! Last night was the final installment of the Love & Hip reunion, and if you didn’t think it could get messier than it already was, you were sorely mistaken! Picking up where we left off last week, Nina Parker chides Rich Dollaz about not copping to what happened with Cisco’s ex Diamond Strawberry in the bathroom. As you recall from earlier in the season, Rich was intrigued by Diamond’s brand of crazy, but he promised Cisco he wouldn’t break bro code by going after his leftovers. Nina reminds Rich that the pair forgot to turn off their mics, and she then shares some previously un-aired audio from the encounter…which is pretty raunchy. Rich insists that nothing happened, and Diamond seems embarrassed. Diamond’s mother blames Cisco for making Diamond so vulnerable to be susceptible to Rich’s advances, although she does think her daughter made some bad decisions.
Diamond asserts that her fling with Rich wasn’t rooted in revenge. She was in a fragile state, and she had strong feelings for Rich. Her stalker ways are recapped, which, of course, feeds into Jhonni’s jealous rages. Cisco questions Rich’s intentions, and he can’t believe that his friend would act so shady. Rich does what Rich does, and Jhonni gets angry that Cisco refuses to go off on his friend. Can’t he punch Rich or something? Cisco gives a rousing speech about not becoming the next Stevie J and Benzino. If they’re going to scrap, it will be in private and when finished and they’ll party together like rock stars. He high fives Peter Gunz while representing the original L&HH as Rich laughs in agreement. Who are these people? When asked whether Jhonni posed a threat to her, Diamond quips that she didn’t even know who Jhonni was and assumed she was an extra. Jhonni retorts, “Your daughter is an extra,” which riles up Grandma Strawberry. It takes about fifteen men in suits to pull Jhonni from the stage. Diamond’s mother wishes they’d let her go so she could learn a lesson. Lady, have you watched this season? Jhonni would put a hurting on the elder Strawberry for sure!
We start off with Kris Jenner and Kim Kardashian wrapping up Kim’s surgery and it appears everything went well! Full steam ahead baby-making in bathrooms with Kanye West again. Yay.
Kris is at an indoor go-cart racetrack with Khloe and Scott Disick. Kris explains that she tries to spend one-on-one time with the kids and hasn’t seen Kylie in a few weeks. What? Where is she living? Isn’t she like 15? Is that legal?
So when Claudia Jordan was bragging about “doing the work,” I assume she meant to keep her job on Real Housewives Of Atlanta, because that’s the only reason to start drama at a charity event, right? Miss Peace & Positivity of Walmart got janky with NeNe Leakes over a chafing dish of asparagus and Lord she is lucky that NayNay was locked in the Escalade because otherwise that hollandaise would have been all over Claudia’s wig for days!
The ladies have returned from the Philippines and everyone’s like LOOOOOVE! LIIIIIIGHT! We get along! We’re FRIIIIIENDS. Kinda. Until NeNe enters the picture and someone is in the position to get in her face with a pair of chicken tongs! If you had tried that with Kandi Burruss she would have just taken a bite!
Phaedra Parks is hosting a Save Our Sons (S.O.S.) luncheon event which will bring fatherless boys together with successful black men. Everyone is getting along (and Phaedra Parks, Esq. will sue your fake-ass if you cause drama), so all of the ladies are invited. There must have been a dress code imposed because Porsha Williams left her Princess of THOTland ensembles at home – no need to resuscitate anyone in the middle of Arlen Griffin’s speech!
Last night on Blood, Sweat, and Heels the ladies do what no Real Housewife has (possibly) ever done by episode 3 in a season: they make up with dignity and class. Daisy Lewellyngets disappointing news about her final cancer treatment though, while Melyssa Fordmakes plans to head back into the real estate world, and new girl Chantelle Frasersteps on some toes.
Melyssa is grateful that opening night of her play is over so she’s celebrating by getting pedicures with her mom & aunt. Her mom was touched by the part in the play where no one wanted to listen to her talk (back-in-the-day-like-10-years-ago) when she was a video vixen. Melyssa feels good about finally being able to open up to her mom. Having always been a daddy’s girl, she knows she’s held her mom at arm’s length for too long and wants to focus on being a better daughter now.
It’s game time in Melbourne this week! Most of the Real Housewives of Melbourne ladies gather at the big AFL game and have champs to catch up. Chyka Keebaugh’s company is behind the scenes running the catering and event planning which looks fantastic.
Everyone is dressed to impress – sans Jackie Gillies and Gina Liano, the ladies look really great! I don’t see too much glitter from anyone with the exception of Pettifleur Berenger . I’m having a real hard time understanding her style. I think she walked in with sparkly blue jeggings on or maybe it was sparkly doilies glues on the sides of jeggings, I couldn’t tell. Pettifleur’s style is um, kinda tacky. Gamble Breaux is rocking some serious two-tone hair and I have to say, with minimal make-up and her hair completely straightened – she looks fierce. Then she opens her mouth. Herein lies the problem. Lydia declines champs and Gamble blurts out the question if she’s pregnant. Oh man. Lydia is incredibly offended and sort of laughs it off. At least Gamble recognizes in her interview that was a poor choice of words.
It’s only the third episode of Little Women: NY and the brawls, they are a’brewin’. Last night, Jordanna James rounds up a few of the ladies (and Jason Perez, because…why not?) to join her in a burlesque show she’s producing,Lila Call gets back into the dating scene, and Jazmin Lang confronts her fears (mainly in the form of sister-in-law Dawn Lang) about becoming a little person performer. Misty Irwin also sacrificially offers up her boyfriend, Joe, on the altar of parental approval.
We open up at lunch with Jordanna asking Kristin Zettlemoyer, Jason and Jazmin to perform in a burlesque show she’s putting on a week from now. She cold opens with the very serious question, “Can you twerk?” Her burlesque group, called Sass n’ Betties, is a group of bada$$ women, says Jordanna, who don’t tailor their choreography to work specifically with little people. So she expects the girls – and Jason – to step up. Jordanna also reminds us repeatedly that she’s a Broadway performer (little NeNe?) so she’s got expectations, yo! Jazmin is concerned with transitioning from business school to performer, and she’s already got the heat on her from sister-in-law Dawn who thinks little people performers drag the entire world of little people back into the dark ages. Besides being cast as an elf, Dawn doesn’t see much of a future in it. Dawn’s brother – Jazmin’s husband – is supportive of her performing dreams, though. So Jazmin agrees to debut her, uh, talents in Jordanna’s show. The group raises their glasses to Jazmin’s new adventure.
Bethenny Frankel has come back home to Real Housewives Of New York, except she’s homeless. Are we even sure she lives in New York City at this point, or does she just live in the scaffolding of her own hubris? Delusionally elevating her to the heights of such paragons as Bill Gates and Oprah, whom Bethenny clarifies would not change their underwear in the back of a town car. Clearly, Bethenny doesn’t really know Oprah. Oprah so would! Martha Stewart on the other hand, she would never be so disorganized as to let the prickly fibers of a polyester seatbelt touch her vagi-steamed nether-regions.
It’s clear right from the start Bethenny has an agenda on RHONY: to hawk Bethenny products and be the living incarnate of her Skinnygirl brand, but also to regain fan support by selling her old standby woe-is-me victim yarn. This time about her divorce and the horrible being she reproduced with known as Jason Hoppy, whom if she saw on the street she would ignore as a stranger.