As a writer you are challenged to encapsulate events and people in an exciting or innovative way. As a recapper you are challenged to reiterate exciting and crazy things that have already happened in a funny and innovative way. It’s a tough job.
Last night on Real Housewives of New York there were royal wars and pinot races. And nobody won at the end of an evening serenaded by the worst music I’ve ever heard on Housewives of anywhere – and that is really saying something. So Mazel, Cara Quici.
Things begin innocently enough with a bidet, some croquet, and champagne. Sonja Morgan, washing off the sins of her hangover, sticks her face in a bidet filled with ice. She does know what part of the anatomy a bidet is really for, correct?
Sometimes you see things on TV that are straight up embarrassing. Case in point: The ladies of Real Housewives of Orange County on last night’s reunion. I may just go ahead on record and call this the most vitriolic reunion ever. Am I crazy?
Some things should be kept private – or at least off camera – but never underestimate the power of a desperate and delusional blonde!
Tmara Barney and Gretchen Rossi continued their reign as the over-the-hill trainwreck Barbies – and both their weaves had to come from the Barbie Comes To Life Wig Collection, sold exclusively in the Sunday morning coupon section of your local newspaper.
I assumed Heather Dubrow was brought on to inject a dose of class into this mess? Mission failed.
The Men Tell All, The Parade of Tools, The Reincarnation of the 3 Stooges… however you label it, it’s still the Bachelorette starring Emily Maynard<yawn> Two hours of video recaps and retells taped in front of one very reactive audience <SCREAMS!> makes me wish I drank wine.
Chris Harrison welcomes us by asking, “Who here would finally like to see Emily find the love of her life?” Raising my hand! If it means she’ll go away, then, by all means, let’s get this woman hitched. Jef Holm and Arie Luyendyk, Jr. are not there, but the men who escaped a lifetime of love few short months of happiness with Emily are. Yippee.
Sean is there! <SCREAMS!> Kalon is there! <BOO!> Seriously, the audience is so over the top.
Joseline and Erica meet to discuss their fight. Joseline apologizes for accusing Erica of sleeping with Stevie J. Erica refuses to accept said apology and goes off on how she doesn’t like Joseline. For once–and I am shocked to type this–Joseline is the bigger person and walks away from the conversation when she realizes there is no changing Erica’s mind.
Mimi Faust is packing up Stevie J’s belongings. While she loves him, she just can’t stay with a man who is unfaithful. I’m pretty sure she isn’t just learning this, but whatevs. Ariane comes over to check on her friend, and she’s shocked that Mimi is actually biting the bullet. Mimi reveals that she’s still very sad, and she would love for their relationship to work. Basically, Mimi’s bottom line is Stevie is welcome back if he stops screwing with Joseline. Clearly she doesn’t really care if he’s faithful, she just doesn’t want him to be unfaithful with the likes of Joseline. Baby steps, I guess.
Last night on the Real Infomercials of New Jersey the Bravo Home Shopping Network was in full-swing. I see everyone can behave when they’ve got stuff to sell! We’re not stupid, Bravo, we know this was a filler episode designed to get some swag promotion before you hit us with the heavy drama next week. Too bad most of us were too bored to pay attention.
Now there were some positives to this episode. The Gorgas and the Giudices got along and Teresa Giudice and Melissa Gorga, dare I say it, seemed to be enjoying each other’s company and bonding! I like them getting along and I think it makes better TV. It really is time for both parties to let this feud die; it’s boring, redundant, and both sides are equally at fault.
Other positives, both Melissa and Gia had amazing performances at Beatstock. I know Melissa was lip syncing, but isn’t that standard? I mean doesn’t Britney Spears lip sync at a live performance?
Big Brother 14 features 12 new houseguests, each hoping to be the next big reality TV star and $500,000 richer, and 4 returning “epic” Big Brother players. CBS explains why we can’t just have new blood, “In a series first, four of the most successful players to ever enter the Big Brother house, will return to play their own game and for their own separate prize.” Whatever, CBS, this better not suck!
As always, Big Brother is hosted by the lovely Julie Chen. She’s really working the camera tonight – stage left, stage right, wiggle your shoulders, back to stage right, descend the stairs, flawlessly sit down. Tough gig.
Big Brother is finally here. Let’s get on with it.
We’re down to the wire on Around the World in 80 Plates. It was an episode with fewer “chefs” and fewer exotic locales the viewers don’t get to see enough of, in my opinion. The contestants find themselves in Buenos Aires, Argentina for the next leg of their journey.
Before heading to Argentina, the chefs must break into two teams of two. Avery Pursell, as the most valuable chef, gets to pick her partner, and she chooses her always ally Nookie Postal. She knows just how strategic he can be. That means that John Vermiglio and Liz Garrett will be paired together. Nookie has an emotional phone call with his wife and kids before leaving Hong Kong.
Reunions often descend into a contest of who is the worst of the bunch. And this one was no exception. When the level of vitriol reaches the extreme harpy stage – it’s time to recast. We’re waiting, Andy Cohen…
Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County no one redeemed themselves or came across as a grown woman. Does it ever happen that way? Gretchen Rossi and Tamra Barney are took their Over-The-Hill Barbie act on the road and switched hair for the day. I think Tamra got her wig from the Dolly Parton synthetic collection on QVC. They also wore the same color dress. Was it an act of solidarity?
Whomever did Tamra‘s make up should be fired, because she looked 55 trying to look 45. Not cute.
Also, what was up with Heather Dubrow‘s eyebrows? Girl, the botox needs to stop and don’t try to play it off as a tweezer malfunction. We know you had unsupervised alone time with Terry’s botox collection after a couple glasses of wine. Besides, don’t rich girls wax, not tweeze?
I also have to comment on Heather‘s country music star circa 1994 hair. This is a good lesson – do not let Gretchen style your hair, ladies! Or choose your dress.