Welcome back to Little Women: LA, the show that never stops filming! It seems like season 4 was just wrapping when BAM! Season 5 is suddenly upon us. I, for one, couldn’t be happier. Lifetime must know that they cannot take a hiatus with these women, lest someone chuck a glass at someone else’s head between seasons. Plus, nearly everyone has had or is having babies these days, so every minute counts. I say, let’s just strap Go Pros to everyone’s heads and be done with it!
When we left off on season 4, Christy McGinity and Terra Jole had temporarily laid down their swords over their altercation at line dancing night, with Christy bitterly reviving the whole mess at the LWLAReunion. She still claims a concussion diagnosis. Tonya Banks had forced convinced her ex, Kerwin, to leave his lady friend and take up with her. Jasmine Sorge’s hubby was relegated to busing tables at his father in law’s restaurant, having not found work close to home. Elena Gant and hubby Preston were expecting twin boys – awwwww! And Briana Renee and Matt Ericson (Grundhoffer) were, well, how do I put this? A HELLISH MESS. Oh – also, Jasmine’s pregnant, Terra’s pregnant, Briana’s pregnant, you’re pregnant, I’m pregnant (kidding!). It’s a virtual baby bonanza up in here!
The broken record of broken daters continues on Famously Single and as we start another episode, no one fits into that category better than resident Shallow Hal, Josh Murray (yeah, the guy from The Bachelorette who isn’t even famous enough to have a Wikipedia page).
Josh is flipping through Instagram and complaining to Aubrey O’Day about how women need to measure up to his standards. Aubrey makes a valiant effort to explain to him that what he sees on Instagram is not exactly real, but you can see his beady little fame-seeking eyes glossing over as visions of fake boobies dance in his head.
The charter from hell continues on Below Deck Mediterranean as Hannah Ferrier tries to bury her rage about the middle aged frat party that has come aboard the Ionian Princess. Last seen, Hannah was being told by Captain Mark Howard that the disgusting guests were extending their charter, and that they didn’t want to see, smell, or hear Hannah for the remainder of the trip! Hannah is disappointed in herself for allowing her emotions to get the better of her, but agrees that shoving Tiffany Copeland and Julia D’Albert-Pusey into the line of fire from here on in is their best survival tactic. They will be put on service, leaving Hannah in the background to ponder what it truly means to be in the “service industry.”
Somehow, these guests have gotten even more needy and obnoxious since the last episode. Are they taking the same douche-pills Bryan Kattenburg is prescribed? Poor Julia has been relegated to Head Drink Wench, a role that has her literally sprinting up and down stairs frantically balancing trays of vodka and used cocktail straws like she’s in some twisted American Ninja Waitstaff challenge. As she slings drinks and munchies at the ravenous, slobbering guests, they insult her and whine incessantly about how slow the service is, how loooooong they have to wait for their drinks, and (their only accurate point) how much the yacht staff hate their sorry asses. The primary snarks, “They hate us cuz they ain’t us!”
Last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Orange County was oddly medicinal. Is Bravo opening a medical trauma center? The last thing we need on this show are MORE health dramas. Leave people’s bodies alone, Bravo! I don’t want to see any journeys that involve doctors, unless of course one of these broads is married to a doctor and he’s doing wonky and weird and very money making doctoring.
That sounds gross and extremely serial killer, but just watch Botched and you’ll get the gist. When people weren’t ill last night, they were moving, or preparing to move, or crying over their spiritual wellness while holding a dumbbell. It was issues galore on RHOC!
So things begin with Vicki Guvnalson in OK to move Briana back to OC. They pile the car with Briana’s kids for a 19 hour drive, and leave Ryan to tie up all the loose ends of their windswept McMansion on the Prairie life there.
Who I did not enjoy seeing was Jacqueline Laurita, who is still crazy after all these years. Also, Poison just had to show off his little poison spewer and just no. Still no. Always no. Forever no. Like Melissa Gorga has to be married to him and enjoy his many splendored little thing, but the rest of us, we didn’t take those vows to honor and cherish anything about him.
Also, Melissa has new hair that is quite short and blonde. Interesting.
OK, Shahs of Sunset fans (and haters), we had one whole week to recover from Mike Shouhed finally admitting to cheating on estranged wife, Jessica Parido, during vacation in Belize with the rest of the Shahs. While none of us viewers were really surprised, I wasn’t sure how this would play out on the show and was a little annoyed at Bravo for making me wait a whole additional week to find out. As if the local fireworks were even close to as entertaining as the fireworks going off within this group of numnuts!
As we rejoin the Shahs in Belize the next morning, Asa Soltan Rahmati and Reza Farahan are catching up on how the night ended. Asa reveals that after seeing Mike unravel, she went out clubbing with GG Gharachedaghi and Shervin Roohparvar, dancing until the wee morning hours. This fuels Reza’s assumption that GG is faking her rheumatoid arthritis. He’s also not done being two-faced and meddling in Mike’s marital business and slimes his way over to Mike’s room to tell him that he supports him. Mike falls for the fakeness and expresses gratitude that his friends are always there for him, even in bad times.
On last night’s Real Housewives Of New York, the woes of thy vagina continued. Also Luann de Lesseps wonders why these bitches won’t be happy that she’s madly in love! It seems Luann answered her own question there, and the operative word is “bitches” – those bitches can’t be happy for her, because they’re bitches. OK, OK… that’s not entirely true, and more on this later… I know you cannot wait for my rambling musings on the many contrary behaviors of Housewives.
But first, Bethenny Frankel has taken a break from randomly bleeding all over Manhattan to launch Skinnygirl Chocolate. She decides to “go bold” by wearing a bright red wig, which considering what’s going on south of Bethenny’s equator, I dunno… maybe a little too close for comfort? Or maybe Bethenny wanted the drapes to match the curtains?