Recaps

hollywood amber miles

Woo. The first ten minutes of last night’s Love & Hip Hop Hollywood was completely intense! It begins with Amber entering the counseling session with Miles where she hears the last thing she expected about the man she believed to be the love of her life. The therapist introduces herself and invites Amber to join Miles on the sofa. Miles is clearly a ball of nerves. He professes his love for Amber before sharing the fact that he is homosexual. He admits that he’s humiliated by this revelation, and discusses the confusion he’s had regarding his sexual identity. When he drops the bomb that he’s been in a relationship with a man, Amber breaks down and Miles retreats to the bathroom. The production crew stops her from following him, and Amber races out into the street where she collapses on the sidewalk. A female PA tries to both comfort and restrain her as the therapist urges Miles to go to her. He wants to leave, and Amber smacks him as she jumps in the car.

Miles tries to talk to Amber but she screams that she’s going release his secret to the world. All through high school, Amber’s friends always told her Miles was gay but she refused to believe them. The therapist tries to explain how hard it was for Miles to come clean and that he truly loves her. Amber cites the difficulty of losing her future with Miles, and the therapist reminds her that there is no good way and no good time to share his news. Amber calms down and reveals that she could never hate Miles–she loves him, but she has questions for his openly gay friend Milan. She was wondering why they were hanging out so much. You had me for a second, VH1. I didn’t think this reveal was scripted…there was too much raw emotion and pain from both sides. However, when she brings up Miles, I feel a bit duped. Perhaps I’m wrong. When the therapist relates Amber’s message to Miles, he is devastated for breaking her heart. 

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Lauren & Vito mock wedding in Italy

Last night on Manzo’d With Children the gang continued to whine and tantrum though Italy, because growing up is so hard to do! The issues were fear of disappointing parents, fear of success, and naturally failure to launch a grandchild!  

In the case of Lauren Manzo as her wedding approaches so too does the nagging about when she will be carrying on the illustrious Manz0-Scalia lineage and fulfilling her role and Caroline and Denise’s grandchild vessel. Caroline and Denise, henceforth, “Team Grandma” are on a two-pronged mission to get Lauren pregnant even if they have to tie her up in an Italian receiving blanket and inject Vito’s sperm into her with a meat tenderizer. Yes – it’s that drastic. 

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sister wives kody christine

On last night’s Sister Wivesannouncements were abundant. There were announcements on top of announcements interrupting announcements. But hey, at least we were spared a Brown party! After a quick daddy-daughter getaway, Kody Brown is back home with his four wives and umpteen children. Christine giggles with glee as Robyn reveals that they are filing the adoption papers with family court. Meri remains dour on the sofa, and Christine is concerned about a judge’s opinion on plural marriage. If Meri were any more checked out of this situation, she’d be a library book. She’s making Janelle look like a cheerleader!

Kody and his wives head to their attorney’s office where Sobbin’ Robyn cries tears of joy to learn that if this works out, her kids will be issued new birth certificates with Kody’s name listed as their father. Kody tries to high-five Meri–this wouldn’t have been possible without her–and she’s all, “that’s cool.” Does no one in the family realize Meri has become nothing more than a mute placeholder? I could swear she rolls her eyes when Christine says that Kody is a great person for Robyn to have as her kids’ dad. 

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Joe-Giudice-Milania-Hair-Teresa-Checks-In-RHONJ-001

Here we are on week two of Bravo’s 3-part series, Real Housewives of New Jersey: Teresa Checks In, and I’m feeling even more conflicted about this grand experiment of a mini series than I ever thought possible! We’re back this week with the Giudice family as they visit their Jersey Shore home for the last time (it’s gone into auction since filming). Joe Giudice also hears disturbing news from Danbury Correctional Facility, where Teresa Giudice has been “shaken down” on suspicions of harboring a cell phone – due to Gia’s tweeting on her behalf

It’s July 1: five months before Teresa’s expected release and eight months before Joe begins his sentence. Joe is fixing Milania’s hair while he reflects on becoming “Mr. Mom.” Meanwhile, Melissa Gorga shows up to take Gia, Gabriella, Milania, and Audriana to get pedicures with her daughter, Antonia. Melissa says she’s reached out to Teresa in prison, but she hasn’t heard back because “Teresa’s email chain is full.” <side eye> Melissa is still praying for her, though because she knows which side her Bravo bread is buttered on. Antonia and Milania, who have always shared a special bond, hold hands the entire way to the salon. #tendermoment 

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dont be tardy kroy

Last night’s episode of Don’t Be Tardy left me just a tad more stupid than it normally does. I can’t even mentally prepare an introduction, so we’re just going to dive right in! The show begins with Chef KJ in the kitchen with Tracey, and Kim Zolciak-Biermann admits that he picks up on everything. Whether Kim is eating a cookie, cussing up a storm, or drinking wine for breakfast, he’s going to notice, so she needs to be on her best behavior. Kim then asks Tracey why the f*@% she didn’t call her the day before. And we wonder why KJ’s every other word is bleeped. Tracey admits that she and Brooklyn have broken up again. The couple has been on and off for a decade, but Tracey swears this time their relationship is over for good. Tracey plans to get a tattoo that Brooklyn forbade her from getting just for spite. 

Brielle, Slade, and Ariana are dining together, and Ariana questions her sister about the future. Brielle has grand plans for stardom, but first she needs food. Filet mig-non, anyone? Ariana rolls her eyes and chides Slade about following her sister out west. He’s so whipped, he’ll definitely do it. Brielle wants to approach her mom and Kroy about the two of them living together. Slade knows her parents would never agree, but she reasons that they’d rather have her shack up with Slade in Los Angeles than live alone. Her parents need to stop treating her like she’s fourteen. That was so four years ago!

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Terra-Jole-Briana-Manson-Hula-Little-Women-LA-001

Oh, Little Women: LA. Can’t you all just get along? All that’s standing between Elena Gant and her dreams of renewing her vows with hubby Preston are the Pacific Ocean and a small tribe of very dysfunctional women ready to, quite literally, sling mud at each other. This week, the ladies travel to Hawaii for Elena’s event. Because they can’t seem to grasp the fact that Elena’s event is (and should be) the center of attention on this trip, Christy McGinty invites the couples to a “therapy” session beforehand, in which tempers explode around Briana Manson’s secret wedding to Matt

As Terra Jole and Joe (and adorable baby Penny!) arrive in Hawaii first, Terra reflects on how angry the entire group is with Briana. No one is sure how to handle seeing her here, with the possible exception of suck-up Jasmine Sorge. Terra also doesn’t trust Brittney Guzman, who has betrayed Elena in the past. Here’s hoping the group can rally around Elena for her big day, regardless of their issues. (HA! That was hilarious to type.) As the rest of the gang arrive, Christy voices her wishes for the trip: to have multiple orgasms. “I wanna f**k!” says Christy, “I want doggy style! I want every style!” (Ummm, I want to un-hear these words!)

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below deck rocky text

“Close the laundry door, tiptoe across the floor. Keep your pancho clothes on, I got all that I can take…” I try to start each of these recaps with an epic ode to the sea, but I think I’d be doing all of us (and The Avett Brothers!) a disservice if I didn’t steal the lyrics from one of their sexy times songs. The laundry room was certainly a prevalent setting on last night’s show! 

Oh Below Deck! What an episode! I can’t even. Grainy night vision and text message imagery sure to make The Mindy Project proud? Check. Inebriated antics and a firing? Yes please. Hook-ups I’m still trying to block out of my mind? Yup, and then some! Bless y’all. Last night did not disappoint! The group arrives for twenty-four hours of relaxation at Lubber’s Landing. Once the drinks are served, Kate Chastain enjoys some much needed time away from Leon Walker, as Connie Arias rehashes Dane’s obnoxious behavior from the night before to Eddie Lucas. Connie and Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow take to the surf, and both are phenomenal. Connie shares that she used to travel the globe surfing competitively, and it’s evident. Also evident? The fact that Rocky doesn’t own one bathing suit that doesn’t give her a major wedgie. 

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Tamra Judge Gets Baptized

Last night on the finale of a very convoluted season of Real Housewives Of Orange County, Jesus made an appearance. Seriously – Jesus should sue this show for defamation and slander. 

Tamra Judge claims she’s found Jesus after a tumultuous and painful year, so she wants to share her spiritual emergence to prove she’s changed. She may have swapped a black lace catsuit for a white bandage dress, but something tells me underneath it all she’s still the same old Tamra. And no amount of dunking herself in a pool surrounded by sycophants with television aspirations (and fear of their own murky lives floating to the top) is going to wash away her Tamra-ness. Possibly I’m just a cynic for satan?

Vicki Gunvalson may have a very dubious relationship with the truth, but she’s certainly believable in one regard: Satan IS confusing! And he was doing some of his best work last night – because the Devil is in the details where Brooks Ayers’s cancerous-ness is concerned.

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