Are we still believing the #Scandoval of it all? Now it seems like it’s been a known plotline for a while. Clearly, everyone knew something highly suspect was going on. Let’s begin. Things start with a flashback of Katie Maloney and Satchel Clendenin necking…
Schwartz Has A Hunch
Tom Sandoval and Tom Schwartz meet up at a food truck to talk about Raquel Leviss. Schwartz recited his lines perfectly when he hinted that he feels Raquel has feelings for another man. Sandoval eventually starts spewing about how his feelings are hurt because the person he loves thinks he’s dumb. He admitted he needs someone who thinks he’s smart. It just seems like he wants someone dumber than him.
At their apartment, Ally Lewber and James Kennedy were discussing the fact that Oliver Saunder’s marriage is easily Googleable information. How did Raquel miss that? Ally then shared how weird it was to see Tom and Raquel out dancing together late at night. James brushed the story off because Ariana Madix has hooked up inside the friend group before, too. He thinks this is their normal.
He’s Here For His Jizz Results
I wanted to make this the title of the story, but don’t think the editors would love it. So anyways, here are the stats on Sandoval’s sperm: his volume is double and motility is acceptable. Unfortunately, he’s got those weirdly shaped sperm you probably remember seeing during your high school health class. Or D.A.R.E. Old Tommy needs to lay off the sauce and extra mushrooms.
Elsewhere, Ariana and Katie were exploring their new sandwich shop location. I’m truly joyful that their both about to lap their respective Tom with this business. Lisa Vanderpump and her
filter blurry chin joined the experience, too. She came to film a scene defending Raquel against any mistress rumors. She assured everyone that Oliver was separated. Katie and her neck-tie need to move on and let this go. They have Tom content to peddle now.
I could watch these dodos pretend to play catch all day. It’s time for James’ beach day! Scheana Shay rushed to tell Sandoval that everyone thinks he and Rachel are getting it in. Tom found this annoying and proclaimed he would N E V E R take a secret rendezvous to the Abbey. Convincing! He then redirected the convo by asking Scheana to join him and Ariana in bed sometime soon.
Meanwhile, Schwartz and James were talking about James’ upcoming DJ gig. Tom asked if the experience would be bigger than “Rachella.” James took this as a bullying comment, was triggered, and went full White Kanye. He attacked Tom’s failures in business and told him his engagement to Katie was a nerdy joke. Schwartz responded by threatening to put James in a headlock later. They eventually made up, as reality TV brothers do.
Give Them Corn
Katie, Tote Bag, Lala, and The Don leave the beach to find a bar where things are less intense. They text Kristina Kelly to join them, and she brings literally everyone with her. This feels like her main purpose of the season. Schwartz greets Katie and she responded with her signature Pucker and Furrow pose. Schwartz then whispers to Sandoval how happy he is not to be with Katie and that he doesn’t miss her at all.
Lala proceeded to side with James regarding his earlier run-in with Schwartz. But after getting handed his truth from James earlier, Tom decides to pay it forward.
Schwartz sent Lala into a tailspin by calling her corny. He told her he is 1000x the person she will ever be, and that she has no idea who she even is. Her name is literal babble to him. He mocked her facial surgery and even nailed her as a bootleg Housewife. He did concede she is a good mother, however. Let the record be clear.
Sandoval’s Free Relationship Advice
Back at the main table, Pez Necklace Tom was upset with Katie for alleging he’s in an open relationship with Ariana. A rumor which would literally do so much good for his current situation, but he just can’t keep that glinty face shut. The producers asked Tom in a confessional if he’s ever been physical with Raquel. He replied that he hadn’t done anything with Raquel that he wouldn’t do with Katie. Am I getting this right??
Sandoval spontaneously shamed Katie for divorcing Schwartz. He then stomped away from the table, his tank top flowing, and remarked that people should only ever be with someone if they already love them for who they are. And scene.
TELL US – DO YOU THINK TOM IS PULLING IT OFF? WAS SCHWARTZ’S ENGAGEMENT JOKE GOING TOO FAR? ARE YOU SURPRISED TO LEARN LVP WAS ON TO SANDOVAL AND RACHEL ALMOST A YEAR AGO?
[Photo Credit: Nicole Weingart/Bravo]