The Twisted Sicksters Richards are still stranded in Palm Desert after the histrionic horrors of YOU STOLE MY HOUSE! Kim Richards insists she’s grown-up and is waiting for Kyle Richards to treat her like the “healthy, sober older sister who can take care of her life.” Except stupid Kyle is all Kim can’t even tell a vibrator from a lipstick and a Tuesday from a toadstool and God! Do I have to do everything, even cook eggs?! Man, if I were Kyle I would have put Ex-lax in the bitch’s eggs!
Yeah, they ate eggs instead of dealing with the destruction of the night before when Kim hoarsely screeched at Kyle to give back her house right. now. Or ELSE healthy big sober super sister Kim was going to destroy her with her inventive memory and her super weapon: the gossiping drunken lips of Boozdi, a super-villain who will swoop down from the valley with lies of attrition. Kyle meekly says she’s surprised Kim stayed after what happened, Kim just eats and plots to set a bag of Kingsley’s dog poop on fire and throw it on the grill.
So remember years and year ago when Abby Lee Miller was just a teacher and Dance Moms was actually enjoyable to watch? Am I recalling it correctly, or have I clouded my memory with more positive thoughts in an effort to combat the negativity I have to watch now. It’s a total mind game. You know who else likes mind games? Sia. On last night’s episode, the world is finally introduced to this video. Many found it to be artistic, some found it to be highly inappropriate, but I was just happy to see Shia LeBeouf dancing around in a cage. People think he’s weird and controversial, but he’ll always be Louis Stevens to me. And now Louis Stevens is dancing around in a cage with Maddie the dirty wolf. What’s so wrong with that?
Maddie is excited about the video’s release, but she has a hard time explaining the concept to a confused Jill. Jill decides to just call it “artistic” and “open to interpretation” and be done with it. The other moms freak out when they learn that Kathy and her Candy Apples have assembled a brand new team of Abby’s “rejects” (Kira’s word, not mind), and they will be competing against the ALDC this week. Abby is livid, but she needs to focus on the pyramid. Kendall and Nia are on the bottom for not placing in their solos. JoJo, MacKenzie, and Kalani make up the second row for doing a wonderful job in their losing group number. Maddie maintains her place in the top spot. There will be no solos this week, as Abby wants to celebrate Maddie’s wonderful duet with Shia. She pairs Maddie with Kalani for one duet, and she pairs Kendall with JoJo for a Freaky Friday number. MacKenzie and Nia are partnered for a scary duet, which leads up to a murder in the group routine.
Y’all there’s a lot going on with the reality elite of Charleston. After last week’s episode, we were treated to a Thomas Ravenel debacle of single malt proportions on Watch What Happens Live, and then the political (once) hopeful took to social media to passive aggressively snark on co-star Cameran Eubanks while sharing his disdain for his involvement with the show. Don’t be so blue, T-Rav…you’re only two episodes in at this point! You’ve got this, buddy.
Last night’s Southern Charm begins with Cameran moving into her new office…in her mom Bonnie’s office space. Bonnie is still as poised and beautiful as she was twenty-five years ago when my mom signed me up for Millie Lewis so I’d know which fork to use at a dinner party. You know, what twelve-year-olds desire to learn! My mother is probably looking down on me and shaking her head as I pull out the Chinette and plastic ware for my guests (when I can convince people to come over!), and I hope Bonnie never learns of my disposable faux pas. Despite the fact that her new husband is a doctor, Cameran is determined to establish her own career. Across town, newbie Landon Clements greets Shepard “Shep” Rose who is helping her move to her new home on a sailboat. Landon reminds us again that despite her refined Georgia upbringing, she’s not your typical Southern belle. Her new abode, the “Miss Adventure,” is docked at the Charleston marina. She loves her friendship with Shep because it’s easy compared to the who’s who/what club is hot tonight scene of Los Angeles.
We’re drawing to the end of this season of Love & Hip Hop….after all, these folks need some time to recuperate from all their brawling and baby drama! Peter Gunz was back last night after a one episode hiatus (admit it, you missed him!), and he’s decided he’s definitely, one-hundred percent kind of maybe a little head over heels in love with Tara Wallace, um I mean Amina Buddafly. Does it really matter at this point. Peter really only seems to care for these ladies when they decide they’ve had enough of him. He’s decided to prove his feelings with a long overdue wedding ring for his once secret wife, and he’s enlisted bling expert Erica Mena to help him pick out the perfect bauble. Erica questions whether the ring is going to make everything better…shouldn’t he just try being loyal to one woman?
Rich Dollaz has decided to put all of his crazy lady drama on the back burner to do some shopping with pal Cisco. He relives his recent altercation with Jhonni, bragging that he knows when to leave before the chicks really lose it due to their extreme love for him. Cisco is glowing thanks to a new crush on Cyn. Rich reminds his friend about how they have been in beast mode in every major hip hop city–is Cisco ready to slow his roll? Cisco is ready to settle down, and he doesn’t want to let a good one get away. Rich is wary. Does his friend know how hard monogamy is? Cyn is also confused about the situation with Cisco, so she’s meeting Chrissy Monroe at the hair salon. Chrissy is sporting her finest Swiss Miss braids, and she’s clearly not getting her fake hair done at this place. Cyn is proud of the fact that her song is raising so much money for suicide awareness on the Internet, and both ladies think it was a tad creepy and inappropriate for her producer to express his love at that event. Plus, Cyn is starting things back up with her high school flame, so she needs to nip things in the bud with Cisco. Chrissy reveals that she’s finally met Chink’s father, but she’s concerned that Chink may still be cohabitating with his current wife when he’s not with her. She’s decided to surprise him with an apartment for the two of them, and we all know how much Chink loves Chrissy’s surprises!
Kenya Moore set her inner-Krayonce aside to find love on the Millionaire Matchmaker. Seriously – there were no Kenyanigans. I was strangely disappointed. As much as I snark on Kenya, I rely on her insanity to keep me indentured to Bravo. I do not need to see her behaving normally. But alas, we all must make sacrifices for love!
There were shocking developments however – Patti Stanger actually made two love connections (!) as she established herself the champion of under-appreciated women in their 40’s and 50’s! Or something like that – I tuned out around the time she described Cynthia Bailey as one of the top supermodels in the world and Kenya’s best friend.
Kim’s in San Francisco meeting with the Glu team that was behind her video game to enhance her brand even more. She wants to include a Hollywood app and involve her family to increase her fan base. I’ve gotta hand it to Kim to strike while the iron is hot and literally plaster her image on all products that could possibly have her face on it. It’s quite remarkable when you think about it. She takes the time to thank essentially the entire team at Glu that is behind the success of her game and apps which was a decent move on her part.
NeNe Leakes has left the building! And some real-ish therapy happened on Real Housewives Of Atlanta! Well, as real as you’re gonna get from 4 broads whose occupations are Shadeologists (degree available online at Shade U, an akkredited university), and one broad whose occupation is Denialologist, degree available at MamaJoyce Be Your Guide.com. Oh, and NeNe, well she kept it real NeNe – all the problems aren’t her fault, and Dr. Jeff shouldn’t be allowing everyone to “dump” them in her lap on a plate from the buffet. Well Kandi Burruss would still eat it!
Therapy is in progress when NeNe up and flees, toting two Birkins filled with her emotional baggage. Dr. Jeff, the yappy Pomeranian on her heels, begs her to return. NeNe’s glowing red transformer eyes accuse him of allowing everyone to blame her for all the issues. It was a conspiracy! The entire first part of the session, was all NeNe, all times. Usually she likes that sort of thing but not when she’s being told what she doesn’t want to hear!
Dr. Jeff tries to appease NeNe by reminding her that she has so much to contribute. In response NeNe snaps, “You should lose your license!” Dr. Jeff follows NeNe out to her car, counseling her about anger taking her to dark places… She uses all of her self-restraint not to poke his eyes out, then commands the guards to haul him away and throw him in the viper pit.
This week we open this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne with Lydia Schiavello and Chyka Keebaugh catching up and having a midday cocktail. Lydia is flying to Florence for her son’s wedding. Her son is 24 and Lydia is 45 and she can’t believe he’s getting married but nonetheless she is incredibly excited for him. Lydia really does look great for 45.
Chyka wastes no time and spills the beans (very un-Chyka like! But somehow, I still love her even when she is gossiping) about her lunch the other day with Gamble and Janet Roach. She gives her the lowdown. Chyka just asked Gamble Breauxabout what the entire city of Melbourne has read in the press regarding her last relationship. However, Janet comes out of left field with asking her about the “rumors” that Gamble was a stripper and likes to throw sex parties. Chyka tells Lydia she has no idea where that came from and Lydia is so peeved she wasn’t a fly on the wall during that lunch.