"8th grade drama sounds the same 30 years later," Kyle tells Mauricio. You know it! Time for all y'all ladies to take a little Alice In Wonderland pill and grow the EFF up!
Things begin with Brandi and Carlton Gebbia shopping at Trashy Lingerie. Ahem. Brandi and Carlton verbally molest each other and gush about much they love beautiful women in an innuendo-laden crapfest. But neither of them are lesbians or something.
Brandi is buying lingerie for her non-relationship and wants to bury a crystal to evoke new love. How about bury the past? Not talking about your ex constantly might help welcome someone new into your life!
Things naturally begin at a sex swing lesson. Kenya (rocking some leggings so tight I swear they had to be surgically removed and coochie crack was as well as booty crack imminent) has all her faux assets on display as she swings upside down. 'Weeeeeee! I'm gone with the wind fabulous!' she's cheering to herself when Kandi Burruss walks in.
Speaking for the masses, Kandi announces she is over Gone With The Wind Fabulous: "The wind is gone. It's blown away." Amen. Kandi demures participating in sex swinging because she sprained her ankle falling off some heels. The real reason for this meet up is investigative journalism. Kandi wants to know the true nature of Kenya and Apollo's texting. Or was it sexting…
I must say that Preachers of L.A. has grown on me much more than I thought possible. I adore Jay Heazlip and Ron Gibsonalthough only their wives were featured last night. Wayne Chaney is definitely growing on me. Noel Jones is hilarious…not on purpose, which makes him even more funny. Deitrick Haddon no longer makes me want to change the channel. Clarence McClendon is also, yeah, um… At least he was on hiatus again. If this were Bravo, I'd classify him as a "friend of the preachers."
Last night's episode begins with LaVette Gibson doing what she does best…meddling. She has called Jay's wife Christy and Wayne's wife Myesha to join her for lunch so they can impart some last minute advice on Dominique before she weds Dietrick. Of course the ladies don't know about their quickie marriage a few weeks before so they could cohabitate not in sin. LaVette is sad that she and Ron will have to miss the ceremony due to a trip to Haiti. Dominique wants to know how the women enjoy their husbands outside of the church together. Myesha is quick to "connecting frequently" because she won't say "sex." LaVette likes to experiment with different locales when getting busy. As Dominique notes she's a pastor's wife in the streets but a freak in the sheets.
Reza complains about how Lilly acts like she is above the rest of the group – yes, really – and he's proud of MJ for finding her voice. Wait. Let me get this straight. A few months ago, MJ was a sloppy pill popping lying alcoholic, but now she's appropriately reacting to the hate that Lilly spews? Got it.
Golnesa "GG" Gharachedaghi thinks Lilly's right, in this instance, but she chooses not to speak up. I have a feeling she comes to regret this.
DISCLAIMER: the Teen Mom 3 reunion was taped on November 3, 2012. Yes. MTV is giving us footage that's over a year old to "update" us on the season.
Nevertheless, season one of Teen Mom 3 has come to an end, so it's time for the new Teen Mom cast to talk to Dr. Drew Pinsky. (FOR TWO HOURS!)
The reunion kicks off with Katie Yeager and Joey Maes. Surprise – they are back together! You see, every time Joey's new girlfriend nagged him, it reminded him of Katie. And Joey eventually came to realize that Katie's the only nagger for him. Isn't that sweet?
Katie reveals that Joey was with Brigette for a month before he came back to her. Everything that went wrong is still Joey's fault, of course, but Katie says she's trying to move on, adding, "The only way we're going to forgive and trust is if we move on."
Oh Vanderpump Rules – why you make so many menz cry? Perhaps it's because I grew up in the south but I think a man should drown his tears in whiskey instead. Does that make me a cold-hearted biatchStassi Schroeder?
Last night the gang traveled to LAKE ARROWHEAD, mythical kingdom of all things powerful and magical, or you would have imagined it was by the awestruck way the entire cast said the name over and over again! Jax Taylor is going to implore Stassi's mom to accept him so Stassi will be his girlfriend again. Stassi's mom is pretty much exactly like Stassi – only scarier and with worse hair.
The real reason they're going is so Jax can show Stassi his tattoo – ac-ci-dent-tal-leee, as he takes his shirt off on the beach. "What's that?!" she wonders grabbing his arm? For me… she gasps. 'Next I want you to get my vaj tattoo over your heart. Then I'll love you again. Maybe…' Stassi is slightly disgusted by the gesture but alas her ego explodes into a thousand cosmic rays of gloriosity – someone wants her enough to permanently mutilate their body. Jax and Tom 1 giggle in the bedroom over how well it went. Meanwhile Stassi complains to her mom about how desperate Jax is.
Last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills battle lines were drawn in the mythical sand using witches wands and Louboutins. Did I mention the witches were also wearing Louboutins, because yeah… Beverly Hills and all that.
So Brandi Glanville invites us all over to her bathroom to watch her take a bath while the editors blurred over her ladybits. Jennifer Gimenez stopped by because doesn't one always entertain while they're naked?! They talk boys; Brandi and JR's relationship isn't going anywhere and Jennifer thinks he needs dumping.
Brandi goes on a date with JR where she confronts him about not ordering a drink first and oh yeah – taking a couples trip to Texas without 1/2 of his coupling. That half being her! Apparently JR was with all his friends, who are couples, but he didn't want to bring Brandi.
JR is pretty unapologetic about the whole thing and it triggers Brandi's "trust issues" since in case you have been living in a black hole or on Mars and weren't aware, Brandi was cheated on you guys. She was like SO cheated on and like she needs to discuss it forever and ever and ever and ever because she apparently doesn't have anything else going on besides Botox and drinking.
So, let's just dive right into last night's Love & Hip Hop, shall we? After all, that's what Mona wants us to do! The episode begins asPeter Gunz' two lady loves have been pulled apart, and Tara Wallace is still trying to figure out her next move as Amina Buddafly laughs hysterically in the corner. I'm so confused. Rich Dollaz calls Peter to warn him of the debacle. It's messy, and messy isn't good for the label. Yandy Smith puts Tara in a car after promising to support her friend. So, is Amina still going to be the label's rainmaker?
Saigon is having a birthday party Joe Budden style. He's gotten back the results of the DNA test, and he's waiting to open up the envelope. Erica Jean is giggling and falling all over Grill Master Saigon until he's ready to Maury Povich himself. For some reason Erica Jean is nervous, but once it's determined that he is the father, he's over the moon. Saigon isn't ready to commit to Erica Jean until he knows he's mature enough to be honest and faithful, but he's happy to date her until that day comes. He starts screaming "The Boy is Mine" all Brandi/Monica style to the entire birthday party. So much for keeping the DNA testing discreet!
Tara waits up all night for the coward Peter to come home. Of course, he waits to confront Tara in the daylight after she's put his shoe collection out on the sidewalk. He's sorry he messed, but he doesn't want to be embarrassed by having his shoes thrown at him. Peter thinks that Tara was wrong for hitting Amina, and Amina was wrong for telling Tara about their marriage. Is this guy for real? He hates that Tara found out that Amina is his wife because it pains him to see her hurting. Yeah, keeping the marriage a secret should have been the way to go…not, oh, you know, refraining from marrying your side chick!