Recaps

Briana-Renee-Matt-Ericson-Wedding-Ceremony-2-Little-Women-LA

The blessed event is upon us: the day Briana Renee remarries the Clyde to her Bonnie, the Ride to her Die, Matt Ericson (aka Matthew Aaric Grundhoffer). While some of the Little Women: LA ladies are left off of the guest list celebrating their good fortune, one former friend seemingly ambushes Briana’s big day to…show her undying loyalty? Worm her way back into Briana’s life? Get more camera time? Perhaps all of the above! In any case, when Christy McGinity Gibel shows up at Briana’s wedding unannounced, Briana is forced to decide whether to forgive or forget her. 

Terra Jole and Jasmine Sorge are taking a stroll through the woods contemplating the mess Terra has made of her life. After the police report and media coverage of Terra hitting Christy in the head with a glass, Terra sees no need to make amends with her. As for Briana, Terra wants an apology for all of her past lies, but that ain’t gonna happen. So it looks like that’s bridge #2 burned. Jasmine tears up through her hundred foot eyelashes, confessing that she is stressed to the max being Briana’s matron of honor. In further sad news, Briana may not have invited her family to the wedding despite claiming she “wanted to.” Whatever that means. 

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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills finale

What an awful Real Housewives of Beverly Hills finale! If the ladies sucked up to Yolanda Foster‘s journey any harder, they’d be a two-foot long parasitic tape worm! Colonics – STAT! 

I hate a finales in general. Everyone circles like sharks, lurking for damage control, eager to take down the pre-appointed prey. And to the shark with the sharpest teeth, go the tastiest camera morsels. However, it’s important to remember that sharks are not smart – they are reactionary creatures whose successful existence hinges on their ability to annihilate prey quickly and effectively, which accounts for their survival, basically unchanged after millions of years. This is where Housewives fail. Their takedowns are rarely streamlined, timely, or effective.

Such is the case at Kyle Richards‘ party, held in the house she stole from Kim Richards. What a shocker that Kim is there, holding a sign that reads “Property Of KimKillah.” I believe Brandi Glanville did her hair and makeup. That is the only excuse for the bootleg I Dream Of Jeanie looking Bump-it hair and wandering cat-eye makeup. But at least Kim isn’t smuggling vodka in her iced coffee. Instead, she’s smiling, eager and willing to pretend all the nastiness of Palm Springs pasts never happened.

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dance moms maddie

Last night’s Dance Moms was it…the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT. I think I took it about as well as Abby Lee Miller, and I’ve had a head’s up for months! 🙂 As the episode begins, the mothers are all atwitter about whether Melissa and her daughters will be sticking with the ALDC. When asked pointblank, Melissa admits that Maddie and MacKenzie will be exploring other opportunities and will no longer be a part of the elite team. Jill feels betrayed. Holly is confused that she wasn’t able to share this news long before now. Ashlee (I’m not shocked) is convinced that Melissa leaked the news of Maddie’s departure to the media herself in order to create more of a buzz. She may actually be on to something! Melissa promises she was just following her attorney’s advice, and hey, at least the moms’ know before MacKenzie does…she has no clue. Melissa predicts that Abby will be sad about letting go of her daughters, but happy that she’s prepared them for fame. Good luck with that. 

Melissa approaches Abby who seems more consumed with her lipstick than Melissa’s admission. Melissa hems and haws and feigns fake tears while staring at the ceiling before breaking the news that this her daughters’ last season with the ALDC. Abby freezes, and Melissa is quick to assure the emotionally fragile studio owner that she had nothing to do with the rumors that her daughters would be peacing out from Abby’s tutelage. Abby quickly regains composure and warns Melissa that Maddie better never be on So You Think You Can Dance, Kids! Melissa back pedals. Melissa stumbles over her words, “Um no, Maddie won’t be, um, dancing on So You Think You Can Dance, Kids. No, no dancing. I can promise you I have never even heard of that new show that my daughter is in no way affiliated with so, um…” Don’t quit your day job, Melissa, if your day job is not being a giant liar. Abby tears up and acknowledges the cameras…why did Melissa wait until now to break this news? Could she not have given her a courtesy phone call?

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Teen Mom 2 recap

Two nights of Teen Mom 2 in a row and last night’s episode was a big one! It’s more rainbows and sunshine for Chelsea Houska who gets a special surprise from Cole DeBoer. Things are looking bleak for Jenelle Evans, though, who gets unexpected news from her lawyer. Corey Simms and Miranda Simms welcome a new baby while Leah Messer struggles to prove herself to them. And Kailyn Lowry and Javi Marroquin spend some time apart after suffering a major loss.

Cole finally pops the question! We don’t get to see it happen, but we see a few cute pictures and Aubree draws it out for her grandma. Here’s how it went down: Cole took Chelsea to his favorite spot in the woods where he had pictures of the two of them and Aubree hanging on surrounding trees. Aubree was with him so he asked her if it was okay to marry her mommy. He had already asked Chelsea’s parents for their permission and he designed the ring. We get it, Cole is disgustingly perfect.

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Real Housewives of Dallas - Brandi Redmond, Cary Deuber, LeeAnne Locken - RHOD Premiere

Last night was the premiere of Real Housewives Of Dallas. Did you love it? I kinda loved it – it had all the right elements: one supremely delusional crazy mean girl, fun-loving weirdo besties, a gal with secrets up the wazoo in her closet, a plastic surgeon’s wife (and bizarre-seeming marriage). I’m here for this. Hand me a pair of spurs – lets prod these bitches!

In Dallas, the houses are huge, but the fashions and hair are Real Housewives Of Orange County circa 2008: satin, rhinestones, single-platform peeptoe Loubs. There is also a lot of frosted eyeshadow. 

First we meet Brandi Redmond, who is unofficially the ‘star.’ Brandi, a redhead, is married to her JUNIOR HIGH sweetheart Brad (also a redhead), and they have two redheaded daughters who sit on the counter, one of whom wants to join the circus. Which makes her like the future LeeAnne Locken, former carny-child turned wannabe socialite. 

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Southern Charm recap - Cameran's dinner party

On last night’s Southern Charm, the snark was flowing like a gin martini, Craig Conover and Shepard “Shep” Rose‘s bromance was back in full swing, and Thomas Ravenels shiner from the premiere was nothing but a faint bruise (take that, Republic headbutter!). Kathryn Dennis grieved passed over invitations while Michael the Butler Cameran Eubanks hosted an intimate dinner party with Patricia Altschul’s guidance. The only one missing was Cooper Ray – he, like JD and Elizabeth, need to be staples. Are you listening, Andy Cohen

As with every episode, the show begins with each charmer starting a new day in the Holy City. Negotiating a real estate contract reminds Cameran just how much she loves being a modern Southern woman. Her place doesn’t have to be in the kitchen (or in the nursery) – she can have a career! She just needs husband Jason to pick up an ink cartridge for the printer on his way home so she can commence with commerce. Scarlett O’Hara was also a modern Southern woman, but even she knew when to call in reinforcements. Cameran reveals that after two years of marriage, Jason is ready for a baby. Unfortunately, Cameran’s biological clock has yet to start ticking, but she’s building up to some mild domestication with a practice round–she’s planning a dinner party for her friends.

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Shahs of Sunset

Another season, another reason to floss for the Shahs of Sunset, and let’s hope they bring the gold!

We open with a look back on Reza Farahan standing up Adam Neely at the altar in Thailand. That would be enough to ruin any normal relationship but who’s that creeping in the background while Reza sleeps? It’s Adam! These two lovebirds stayed together and made it work. They even added an adorable little rescue pup, Tini, to the family. I am really happy these two worked it out and Reza realized that the grass isn’t always greener. On Reza’s short list of goals: get married, build a house, have fun with friends and family…oh and have sex and buy gold. Naturally.

Newlyweds Mike Shouhed and Jessica Parido are busy drinking free Fiji water from her Dad and working out to keep in tip top shape before their marriage crashes and burns. Because the couples that sweats together stays together. No irony or anything here. Mike starts to wax poetic about how amazing – and how hard – it is to be married for four months; apparently, he has to ask permission to do everything. I’m assuming Mike has managed to find some time to himself given that they are already getting divorced because of his cheating. I doubt Jessica gave permission on that one. I can’t wait to see how that plays out this season.

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Teen Mom 2 recap

A new episode of Teen Mom 2 aired at a special time last night before the MTV Movie Awards. It was a relatively uneventful episode, but Kailyn Lowry finally gets news on Javi Marroquin’s deployment, Barbara Evans questions whether Jace is safe at Jenelle Evans’ house, Chelsea Houska and Cole DeBoer decide to take a big step in their relationship, and Leah Messer makes it through the first week under the new custody arrangement.

Leah can’t believe Corey Simms won primary custody of Ali and Aleeah because apparently she doesn’t reflect on her behavior and the impact it has on her kids.

At Corey’s house, he gets the girls up for school and has their breakfast made. Then he makes them brush their teeth and he brushes their hair. They’re out the door by 6:30, fed and presumably on time. It must be Friday because Leah picks the girls up from school. Of course, she’s texting while driving AGAIN! Aleeah had a tough week and breaks down into tears because she missed her momma. I guess that’s her excuse for ratting out her sister who told daddy he gets them to school on time but mommy doesn’t. Leah lectures the girls to not talk about it when they get to school; it’s none of their business. All they have to worry about is going to school, and mommy and daddy will worry about when they get there. Um okay. Ali, repeat after momma: “Mommy gets me to school on time. I have a healthy breakfast every day. I’m always buckled into a car seat. Lunchables are stocked.” Atta girl!

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