Recaps

dance moms clowns

I’d like to channel my inner Australian and boycott Abby Lee Miller. Seriously, Dance Moms was never exactly a picnic to watch, but this is getting, wait, no, this IS absolutely ridiculous and almost unbearable. We last left off with a disastrous situation on the set of YouTube sensation Matty B’s music video. Melissa, when will you learn that you don’t sign a contract without reading it? Recording artist Mack Z isn’t getting billing credit! The producer pulls Melissa aside to share his conversation with Abby, and MacKenzie is going to be pulled from the video. NO! Abby bellows that all of her “clients'” cannot participate in the video. Holly interjects to remind Abby that the legal issue is that MacKenzie’s recording contract may render her ineligible according to Abby, but what’s wrong with the dancers? As their manager, Abby believes the moms must follow her lead.

Kira just wants her daughter to dance, as does some new mom whose name I won’t bother to learn…yet. Well, maybe all their daughters will ever be is just back-up dancers according to Abby. Jill caves to Abby’s bullying, and Abby cannot believe that Holly has once again stabbed her in the back. They are going against her team. Melissa thinks this is just another example of the other girls not getting the opportunities that her girls get because they refuse to follow Abby’s direction. Holly leaves the decision up to Nia, and Nia wants to dance in the video, as to JoJo and Kalani. The new moms recognize that Nia has the most to lose given that she’s an original team member. 

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Jax Taylor is confronted about Tom's cheating

Last night on Vanderpump Rules lies flowed as precipitously as questions of truth and all converged together at the mouth of a river named Jax Taylor. Or something like that… 

While Scheana Marie is on a blissful honeymoon in Hawaii, back home at SUR (SUR is a city now) things are erupting into a civil war – a civil war that is the opposite of civil, of course. 

Kristen Doute has been “blowing up” Jax’s phone with texts and phone calls insisting he tell “the truth” about Tom Sandoval and “Miami Girl.” Once, a very long time ago, when Jax was trying to look like boyfriend of the year to future pizza parlor dumpee Carmen Dickman, he disclosed to Kristen and Carmen that the tabloid stories were true: Tom 1 did play three minutes in heaven? hell? with Miami Girl. Jax has been trying to retract it ever since; putting Kristen off, telling her to leave him out of it and deal with it on her own.

But Kristen has been using this statement to zealously fuel her fervor. It has stoked her loins with future retribution, the little talisman she has carried deep in her heart, that there is a way to weasel in between the home wrecking hussy Ariana Madix and Tom’s future and re-seize him for her demented little self. You think I am exaggerating, but Kristen is like Golum with the ring in Lord Of The Rings

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love hip hop mendeecees yandy

Holy girl power, Bat(wo)man! Last night on Love & Hip Hop, the ladies were standing up for themselves, whether it was with unnecessarily gratuitous clothing optional model or pregnancy shoves. Estrogen was in the air for sure! Rich Dollaz is meeting with Jhonni about her recent apology turned smack down with Precious Paris. Jhonni hopes that Rich won’t find her at fault…after all, she came to the boutique at his request and with good intentions. However, if she’s going to take the heat, she hopes it comes delivered by Rich 50 Shades of Grey style. She warns him that if she’s put in that situation again, Paris will need a stretcher. Rich reminds her that she’s not a gangsta rapper, she’s an R&B performer. She’s a lover, not a fighter. She starts playing footsie with him under the table, and while Rich is adamant he wants to keep their relationship purely professional, he does invite her to sit in his lap for a proper lecture before following her home. Game over.

Ever since Yandy Smith decided that Mendeecees’ intern was her number one target, things have been a bit tense between the newly betrothed couple. She tells him that she met with Remy, and he’s frustrated that she won’t let him handle his own business. Yandy shares that Remy is trying to single-white female her by showing the Instagram outfit that Remy copied for their meeting. Mendeecees believes that Remy is just aspiring to be successful like Yandy, but he’s too tired to argue. He promises to have a talk with his new assistant about the importance of respecting his fiance.

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mob wives new natalie

So let’s raise a blood-filled glass to last night’s Mob Wives, shall we? Drita D’avazo and family are back from Disney World now that Lee is done with parole and was able to cross state lines. She reminisces with her daughters about their favorite memories from the Magic Kingdom. She encourages her girls to make a scrapbook for Lee so he knows how much he is loved and has a memory book of the times he missed while he was in jail. Drita coaches her girls on what to write and post, and she’s excited to surprise him with the pictures that will make him feel somewhat a part of their childhood. 

After making up with her seahag friends, Natalie Guercio has planned a girls night with Drita and Big Ang to celebrate the fact that all is well in their friendship. Both Ang and Drita feel badly for ever doubting their friend. Natalie’s twins are on display, but Drita and Ang’s chest s are competing for the top spot. Natalie is glad that Fraudalie wasn’t able to negatively influence her friends. I am thrilled that now I have the nicknames “Ratalie” and “Fraudalie” to distinguish the Natalies. Natalie and Natalie 2.0 were getting too confusing! 

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Lisa Vanderpump gets a surprise party on RHOBH

So last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills we all got to play amateur psychologist as we tried to figure out what the heck is wrong with Kim Richards. Leading the charge were our bright-eyed and intrepid newbies Eileen Davidson and Lisa Rinna, eager to make a change, eager to help where help is not wanted. As they are about to learn the Richards Sisters are content and complicit in their dysfunction! 

Brandi Glanville is on a 21-day cleanse under the tutelage of Yolanda Foster. That means no alcohol, no sugar, but totally Xanax! A girl can’t give up allll her vices. Yolanda is apparently captaining the Beverly Hills chapter of the Save-A-Hoe Foundation and she thinks yoga is gonna teach an old bitch new tricks. Nice try, but dangling a hot yoga instructor in front of a gal’s face is no way to reshape a behavior – but it’s not like it says NO MEN on this cleanse. Like I said, a girl can’t give up allll her vices! Xanax & Dating?

For everyday Brandi doesn’t drink is Yolanda is gonna give her one almond chip? BTW: Brandi is only doing this cleanse to prove to the other girls she’s not an alcoholic. 

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dance moms kendall

It’s safe to say that Dance Moms has hit an iceberg with Abby Lee Miller at the helm. It’s the girls final week in Los Angeles, and Abby’s eye make-up is shiny and overdone and her hair is sprayed sky high, so some may say she’s back to normal. Abby announces that Maddie is absent as she’s guest starring on Disney’s Austin and Ally. She’s brought in two girls to hopefully fill her void. Well, looky, here…it’s Tracey’s daughter Sarah and Brynn and her mom Ashley. Both ladies are Kira’s nemeses from her former studio.

In the pyramid, Nia is on the bottom since she wasn’t allowed to compete. JoJo is fifth since she placed fifth in the competition and sometimes acts like a five-year-old. Ouch. Jessalyn interrupts to talk about how good her daughter performed. Abby remind them both that JoJo failed to watch the movie Carrie as instructed. Um, if I didn’t say it last week, I’m saying it now…that movie is far too scary for someone that age. When JoJo retorts that she didn’t want to be scared in her hotel room, Abby rips her picture of the pyramid. Jessalyn yells that her daughter deserves to be on the pyramid. Wrong word choice! Abby shrieks that JoJo deserves nothing, and JoJo fights back tears. Abby screams that she will not have crying children in her studio, and JoJo responds that if Abby is going to yell at her, she’s probably going to cry. Of course, this gets poor JoJo banished. Melissa notes that none of the other ALDC girls would be crying like that. I think they should be more concerned that their girls are belittled and treated so badly that they no longer have tears left!

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Leeza Gibbons Wins Celebrity Apprentice Season 14

Last night on the finale of Celebrity Apprentice, the blustering balloon of buffoonery that is Geraldo Rivera was deflated. And for that, we are eternally thankful. Meanwhile, a new winner was crowned – one deserving, classy, and hard-working – without shenanigans or drama. Sorry I-an ZierLING, it wasn’t you, it was Leeza Gibbons! Congrats lady. 

I, personally, think Leeza should been awarded with a rhinestoned crown, bedecked with dollars, and coins, and a sash that read THE Celebrity Apprentice. It would perfectly tie-in with Donald Trump‘s Miss Universe Pageant – that opportunity for cross-marketing was woefully overlooked! If nothing else than for Kenya Moore‘s eyes to turn into lasers at someone else’s pageantry, and for her arguably, possibly, silicone butt to melt into a puddle of wasted dreams and toxic antics. I’m sure we’d also find the charred remains of Vivica A. Foxs cellphone in that mess!

It was a live season finale, which meant plenty of opportunity for Donald to slaughter the contestants names ( Ke$HIA Knight Pull-HIM – which sounds like a porn star alter-ego) and for Geraldo to refer to Leeza as “high functioning” – apparently likening her with one of the lovely developmentally disabled individuals his charity supports. He meant it to be complimentary.

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scheana marie and shay get married

Last night was part 2 of Scheana Marie‘s wedding on Vanderpump Rules. And outside of Bridezilla meltdowns and parking lot brawls it was a beautiful event. It appears that it’s not a Scheana Marie party without somebody gettin’ punched… 

Also, heavily beaded crop-top wedding gowns with satin skirts do not hold up to the force of an evening, because as the drama escalated Scheana’s dress started to sag. 

Kristen Doute wipes away tears as she congratulates Scheana. The faraway look in her eye is focused on Tom Sandoval, nuzzling Ariana Madix‘s neck as they giggle at an inside joke. Kristen remembers those days, etched deeply into her fabricated memories. Kristen so wanted to rip Scheana’s wedding gown off of her, tackle Tom 1 with it – muzzling him with the 15 pound pearl-beaded crop-top, wrap him up in the table cloth skirt, and drag him to the altar!

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