Recaps

preachers clarence

Last night's Preachers of L.A. had Bishop Ron Gibson helping his drug addict sister while Clarence McClendon grappled with death threats. Again. Whew!  It's hard being a filthy rich minister! Deitrick Haddon was still upset about living apart from his family so he devises a sneaky little plan. As for Jay Haizlip, Noel Jones, and Wayne Chaney? I guess we'll have to wait until next week to catch up with those cats!

As the show starts, Deitrick is hanging out at the playground with his future mother-in-law and he shares the big news that he's bought a house.  And not just any house–this casa has six bedrooms and seven baths (when can I move in?), but he promises not to shack up. Deitrick will wait until after the "I dos" before moving in Dominique and his daughter. Meanwhile, Ron is struggling with his sister Shaun's heroin addiction. He feels responsible for her fate due to his past drug problems, and he calls his family together in an attempt to save his sister. Ron knows he has the Lord on his side, but to get his sister out of the crack house, he's going to need the law as well.

Well, looky here! Clarence is biffles with P. Diddy's personal umbrella holder! He welcomes Farnsworth into his ginormous compound and compliments him on having as much swag as the bishop himself. Farnsworth and his wife have brought their new daughter to meet Clarence, and we learn that they are part of his congregation. Remind me why these men are dressed as twins? Clarence and Farnsworth talk about the hardships of fatherhood. It's not easy having to fly six hours first class to spend time with your family, and don't even get Clarence started on the people who are jealous of how successful his ministry has become. Thank God (no really) for security detail! Clarence reveals that his body guards have never had to deal with issues of this magnitude with the most A-list of celebrities, He seems very proud of this fact.

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teen-mom-3-briana-dejesus-roxanne

Briana DeJesus and Katie Yeager bring the drama and tears to Teen Mom 3 this week. First, a boy calls Briana's phone, and Roxanne and Brittany aren't having it. At. All. Then, Joey Maes reveals he's already hooking up with a new girl, and Katie sobs for days. 

On a much happier note, Alex Sekella enjoys a girls night out with friends, and Mackenzie Douthit cartwheels her way back into Josh McKee's heart. 

Briana talks to Jacob, the boy, behind her mom's back. Cue the scene where Mom reminds Briana – not so gently – that she has baby baggage.  So, the eyebrows have spoken, Briana is nothing more than a girl with a baby. Proceed directly to the coven. Don't call Jacob. Don't collect $200.

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real-housewives-of-miami-season-3-gallery-episode-312-13

Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Miami was brought to us by Lea Black's boobs. Was it me or were they borderline popping out in every scene? Did she pay a visit to Dr. Boob God recently?

Other than that, Joanna Krupa had a meltdown and threw a soap opera bitchfit which included kicking Lisa Hochstein out of her wedding party. And Lisa cried and whined and meddled and stirred the pot. Really, Lisa needs a hobby. Maybe crochet? 

Lea is creating The World of Lea Black which includes patenting that laugh and every time you open a Lea Black box it bursts out. She's creating handbags and writing books and skin care crap. I really don't know, but I guess it's a full-fledged industry in fabulosity. More power to her because at least she was doing this pre-Housewives so it's not just some schleppy storyline to give her a purpose on the show. Apparently it's a "movement". 

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hip hop yandy

Don't lie. You've missed the crew from Love & Hip Hop. Yeah, I know. I couldn't type that with a straight face any more than you could read it with one. With the Basketball Wives reunion kaput, VH1 treated us to the season premiere of a more yawn-inducing version of the feisty L&HH: ATL. While I'll try to reserve my judgment, I don't think that K. Michelle can save this sinking ship any more than the newbies. It's not that I don't like Yandy Smith and Mendeecees Harris, but they are almost too likeable. I didn't believe Rich Dollaz and Erica Mena's relationship was anything more than camera candy, so I never invested much thought in them, and don't even get me started on the dysfunction that is Tahiry Jose and Joe Budden. So, about that reservation of judgment promise…I'm not doing so well, eh? 

With the Medicine Man still incarcerated, Yandy has continued to take Little Mendeecees during his dad's custodial times. Both she and Mendecees have decided to tell the boy that his father is serving time…in the army.  I don't even have the chance to type how adorable this child is before Mona Scott Young goes and throws a curveball…she is totally exploiting Little Mendecees by having him share a secret with his soon-to-be stepmom. He reveals that he has known his dad was in jail for months.

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nene gregg wedding

Last night was the event you've all been waiting for with baited breath. Yes, that's right. NeNe Leakes finally walked down the aisle and married her groom Gregg. Again. Thanks, Bravo, for treating us to two full hours of I Dream of NeNe. Two hours, really? I kind of wish you had dragged out her nuptials even longer. I do wish I'd played a drinking game with myself though and taken a sip every time some famous face was shown. I mean, in the first five minutes of the finale, NeNe lunches Vivica Fox while Gregg hangs with groomsman Al Reynolds! On second thought, I'd probably have gotten too drunk to type this…

Gregg is being fitted for his tux, and he's super nervous to learn that his suit won't be completed until the day of the wedding. What is with these Bravo wedding specials leaving everything for the last minute? It's been in the works for ages! NeNe is also helping her ill prepared aunt shop for something to wear to the wedding, as she arrived in Atlanta with nary a dress. Jennifer Williams is along for the ride helping NeNe with some last minute details with her family. Gregg bows out on his fitting to go meet Tony to check on the venue. The ballroom looks like a construction site as Tony and his team prep to hang 60,000 crystals from the ceiling. Somewhere, Spencer Pratt just got really excited!

The family is all coming together for a low-key celebration dinner, and it's nice to see NeNe and Gregg's adult children finally getting along. Gregg is precious with his step-granddaughter. Brentt seems thrilled at the prospect of a better relationship with his half-siblings, and NeNe feels content that all of the children have all come together. The following day, NeNe is spending time with her oldest son Bryson. She wants him to walk her down the aisle, but given that he's on crutches, she doesn't want her dress to get ripped. During their conversation, NeNe is sidelined by an e-mail from her father bailing on her big day. She can't believe he didn't have the decency to at least call her. 

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Preachers LA Jay

Last night's Preachers of L.A. was all about the ladies! While Deitrick Haddon and his fiance Dominique planned for their big day (so they could finally live under the same roof without "shackin"), Pastor Ron Gibson and his wife LaVette took it upon themselves to pray over Noel Jones and his friendship with LorettaClarence McClendon missed the party, but Jay Haizlip's  wife Christy and Wayne Chaney's first lady Myesha began to forge a fledgling friendship.

Well hello, Wayne!  We missed you last week!  His wife Myesha is hanging a poster of herself in his office, and she's hosting a tea party for pastors' wives. She wants to create a community of first ladies in the church. Not shockingly, all of the prosperity preachers' ladies are on guest list, although Myesha is on the fence about Noel's "friend" Loretta. You know, because Noel claims she's just a friend, yeah he claims she's just a friend (Oh, baby, you…you got what I nee-eed). Meanwhile, Ron is shoe shopping with some gang members to get them some proper church shoes. He wants Rick Dogg to see that there is so much to living running the streets.

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i-dream-of-nene-bridemaids

Last night on I Dream Of NeNe, "bridemaid" drama continued between Marlo Hampton and Diana Gowins, except Diana got the memo loud and clear that she better shape up and get on Team Worship NeNe Leakes! The ladies also traveled to Cancun for NeNe's bachelorette party. Of course no one behaved accordingly. 

Things started out fine. In the van from the airport everyone was joking around pretending to smoke twizzlers and then deep throat them. Marlo excelled in that arena. Once they arrived they discovered a soccer team was sharing their resort which was fine for some of the ladies, namely Dawn

The jollies continued as the ladies participated in the nipslip olympics. First was some sort of pseudo surf waves which caused Jennifer Williams (I forgot how lovely she is) and Diana to lose precious small bits of bikini coverage over and over again. Thank you for blurry modesty bars. From the sidelines the other ladies cheered and snickered. Diana is really working overtime to prove she isn't the "president" but merely a humble servant. And she's fun too!

Did anyone think NeNe installed some sort of zapper in Diana and whenever she didn't follow the rules NeNe shocked her? She had a personality 180 this episode… 

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teen-mom-3-nova-briana-dejesus

This week's episode of Teen Mom 3 is fairly boring and uneventful. But, when we're talking about disturbingly unhealthy relationships, this isn't necessarily a bad thing. Briana DeJesus celebrates her birthday, while Alex Sekella goes on a date. And Mackenzie Douthit and Katie Yeager struggle with being on a break from Josh McKee and Joey Maes.

It's Briana's 18th birthday. Mom agrees to watch Nova overnight so Bri can hang with her friends at a hotel. Briana, in all her socially awkward glory, plans to go clubbing behind mom's back. Mom and Brittany talk about Bri's big night out ad nauseam. Brittany thinks Briana is too irresponsible to be out all night on her own, yet she gifts her with $50 to have fun. Plus she put money aside for Nova's diapers for the week. Best nanny ever!

Matt McCann calls Alex to report that his stint in rehab is coming to an end. He's doing really well, and when given the choice to either come home or go to a halfway house, he chose halfway house. He worries he'll fall right back in with the same crowd if he comes home too soon, however, he plans to use a day pass to visit Arabella on her birthday. Alex happily supports Matt's decisions. 

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