Last night on Don't Be Tardy, the Biermann family celebrated Christmas and argued about traditions. See, Kim Zolciak's traditions include dropping thousands upon thousands on tacky Christmas decorations like she lives in the White House where as Kroy Biermann's traditions include embracing the true meaning of Christmas: family and quality time.
Eventually in a Bravo-tized version of The Christmas Carol, Wigenezer Scrooge realizes Christmas isn't about Cartier and $4000 diamond-studded Christmas trees with a LV logo, but about the people you love the most!
Things begin with Kim trying to convince us she's a young woman of 35 by getting Thermage, a laser face lift. At first I thought Kim must be getting vaginal rejuvenation because her skirt slit was so high she was borderline in need of a black modesty bar to hide the ladybits. I was wrong though – apparently one just wears really revealing clothing to the dermatologist!
Abby Lee Miller is back! It's like she never left, right? Last night was the premiere of the new season (second half of a prolonged season?) of Dance Moms, and it did not disappoint. Two hours, y'all! Too much, or not enough?
The moms and daughters arrive for a new season after a month long break, and Abby hasn't forgotten the sting of losing to Cathy's Candy Apples. Kelly is upset that she's still fighting with all of her friends. Before the pyramid can even begin, Abby reveals that she is livid about losing to Cathy. She also shares that Asia is in L.A. pursuing a great opportunity that Abby supports. The moms realize it's only a matter of time before Kristie 2.0 returns. Kendall is on the bottom of the pyramid. Perhaps she would have done better if she hadn't cried like a baby. Yep, I'd say Abby's back with a vengeance.
Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County we were treated to a delightfully classy over-the-hill bachelorette party for one in particular mid-life crisis bride's third wedding.
If that weren't enough Lauri Peterson demonstrated her desperation for relevance by sharing so-called salacious details about Vicki Gunvalson's sex life. I barely made it through last night's episode without throwing up. Thanks for that Bravo.
Things begin with newbie Lydia McLaughlin, in all her wide-eyed optimism, showing up at Tamra Barney's house for some girl talk. Walking into the evil sorceress' cave, Lydia holds her magic fairy dust shield close to her heart and remembers to think positive.
Lydia is just like so impressed and keeps talking about how "classy" and "fancy" Tamra's hostessing is. First of all, the word "classy" and Tamra do not belong in the same sentence.
Back from Savannah, Blair is upset that Jeff isn't making sex a priority. It's been two weeks, and Blair is going nuts. Jeff is quite content just cooking together and watching home improvement shows. All of Blair's pressure is making sex seem like an obligation.
Is it just me, or is NO ONE getting along on Love & Hip Hop Atlanta? Friends are turning on one another, and couples are crumbling. Last night, Benzino was the only voice of reason–is that a sign of the apocalypse?
After a cuss-filled rant at the video shoot, Mimi Faust meets up with her biffle Ariane to hash out the fight they had. Both women agree that K. Michelle has a big mouth, but Ariane thinks that Nico and Johnny should have handled the situation better. She tells Mimi that the two men shouldn't have ganged up on K. Michelle, but Mimi isn't willing to forgive her friend. Ariane persuades Mimi to join her on a quick trip to New York City where she will be visiting with K. Michelle. She hopes her two friends will work through their differences. Mimi won't shed her tough-girl exterior, but she would love to grab a drink at The Drunken Monkey. Someone warn Big Ang, STAT!
Momma Dee want to clear the air withLil' Scrappy regarding her end of engagement cake, but she admits that her son hurt her feelings with all of his negative talk. He still can't understand how his mother can claim she loves him and wants the best for him while disrespecting him. Of course, Scrappy is appeased (and slightly shocked) when Dee apologizes, but she is quick to reveal out of his earshot that she doesn't mean it. She's thrilled that Erica Dixon is out of the picture, and she loved the delicious EOE cake!
Remember that Lindsay Lohan movie "Freaky Friday" where the mom became the kid and the kid suddenly morphed into the mom role after they were both struck by lightening or something? Yeah – that was last night's episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey!
As the adults continued to behave childishly and bicker pettily over everything imaginable, the kids were able to give them a little lesson in communication, letting bygones be bygones, and focusing on the positive!
Before we get to all that, things begin with the cast recovering from the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. While none of them lost their primary homes, Teresa Giudice and Melissa Gorga both had their shore homes damaged. "My house… what happened??" they both wail – as a flood of last summer's empty bronzing bottles and sequined bikinis wash over their feet. 'All my marble deck furniture like suuuunk! Waaaah… and what about my rhinestone encrusted jet ski Joeeew' Ok – so the editors cut that out, but you KNOW that's what really happened!
WHY?!? The reunion does not need Lucy's input. In my opinion, Mariah's mother has NO place at the reunion, especially considering the husbands are not even there. Nevertheless, Lucy makes an appearance, and she is just as annoying as I feared.
Right out of the gate, Lucy plays the victim, crying about how bad Toya hurt her family. "Friends do not do that," she says. "There's no excuse for it." So, Andy points out, Lucy said she was happy that "Mariah beat Toya" and she, too, smacked Toya in the head with her purse. Lucy is like, I AM happy that Mariah beat her, and she's lucky I didn't attack her too. I'm confused. So, beating on your friends is perfectly acceptable, then?