Last night while watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, I came to an important realization. I now understand why these women never eat and how they manage to stay so thin. If every time you sat down at a dinner table a massive fight broke out wouldn't you have dinner-induced trauma and be reduced to guzzling wine instead? They probably all go home and stuff microwaved popcorn in their faces while standing over the kitchen sink and ruminating about the days before they sold their souls to Bravo. But hey – at least those size 2s fit!
Yesterday's episode was more of the same. Same arguments, same players, same storyline, same snarky recapper wanting to hurl things at the screen. It started out OK, as it always seems to, but then quickly degenerated into the congealed, fetid remains of last night's dinner. Even Yolanda Foster was reduced to drinking tequila.
Most of the girls were in Vegas watching in awe as Brandi Glanville's legs twined around a stripper pole and slid gracefully to the floor. "Welcome to Night School For Girls!" she announced popping up with 3/4 of her boob also popping out. Splits Richards makes an important mental note to have Mauricio hypnotized into thinking Brandi is a revolting, wretched, shit-stirring drama queen again. He must not fall under her spell!
Oh, Love & Hip Hop. Will you ever go back to just being a reality show, or are we going to have to watch this scripted soap opera interspersed with some R & B videos? It's so bad, but yet I can't turn away…and not just because I blog about it. There is no doubt that I'd be watching it anyway. It's so bad, it's good, and last night's episode was no exception.
We begin as Rich Dollaz is meeting with Yandy Smith to get some advice on his relationship with Erica Mena. She chastises him for mixing business with pleasure, and teases him for blushing when he talks about Erica. Rich wants Erica to learn how to control her temper excitement, and he wishes that Olivia Longott would do the record as a personal favor. Yandy reminds him that even though he and Liv are friends, it's understandable that she wouldn't want to have to share him as a manager. Rich tries to convince Yandy that even though Erica is all kinds of crazy, she has good intentions. Yandy agrees to go to lunch with Erica to see if she can reign her in a bit. Rich is appreciative, and he wants Yandy's honest opinion as to how he should proceed in the relationship…if at all.
Tahiry Jose is cooking steak and beans for Joe Budden to reward him for the clean drug test. Now she believes she can somewhat trust what Joe has to say. She apologizes for not believing that he's been sober. Joe is about to go on tour, and Tahiry reminds him to call her if he feels the urge to fall off the wagon. In his absence, Tahiry plans to work on her recording career. She is always nervous to talk about her music with Joe because she respects him so much as an artist. Joe doesn't doubt that she'll accomplish her goals, but he also thinks that not everyone is cut out for the industry. She invites him to come to come to one of her studio sessions. Joe jokingly tells Tahiry that as much as he knows she wants him to spend the night, he's got an early morning. Classy guy.
This week's episode begins the morning after Ashlee's "hide your boyfriends, Meagan McBrayer, cause I'm divorced" party. It's 10 a.m. and Meyer and Harvin Eadon stillaren't properly functioning. Harvin's sad attempt at being productive lands her right back in bed next to her sister. Their mama, Virginia Kolb, joyfully forces them to get up and start their work day.
While Harvin and Meyervodka caffeine up, Sabrina McKenzie and her daughter Anandi McKenzie and Katie Davidson and her daughter Diana Davidson make a deal with the devil Ashlee. Anandi and Diana express interest in competing in the next Miss Georgia Teen pageant, and Ashlee graciously gifts each girl a spot in her Boss Bitch Boot Camp. Yikes. Ashlee says it's six weeks of insanity, the girls promise they're up for the challenge, and Ashlee toasts to her newest victims Miss Georgias.
Let's revel in how horrid and scripted last night's Dance Moms was, shall we? If I didn't love these precious little talented girls so much, I'd be kicking Abby Lee Miller and her momtourage to the curb…and out of my DVR season pass! I do agree with one thing Abby said in her recent interview–viewers need to be treated to more dancing and less drama (Abby's hateful shenanigans included!).
Abby receives a phone call from a judge at last week's competition in Greensboro. There was an error in scoring, and Maddie and Kendall's Sugar and Spice solo was actually supposed to get second place, not the top prize they were awarded. Abby seems to salivate at the mouth over this news, as it validates her argument that Kendall screwed up her part. We all know what second place is, right? Say it with me, folks…first losers!
Abby goes into pyramid with the smuggest of smug looks on her face. She tells her dancers that she was unimpressed by all of their dancing regardless of how well they place. Abby takes great pleasure in sharing the mathematical error that caused Sugar and Spice to take first place when they were really supposed to be first loser. She goes after Kendall and wonders if she thinks she's as good as Sophia…guess what, she's not. Wait, who is Sophia again? Oh yeah, that little girl that danced once and hasn't been back for two episodes. A dear Chloe consoles her tearful friend who finds herself back at the very bottom of the pyramid. Joining Kendall at the bottom is Maddie. Abby explains that if her duet partner falters, she falls with her. Nia is also on the bottom for an "okay job." Paige and Chloe make up the second tier. Paige moves up for placing in the top five, and Chloe joins her for exceling in the group number. An excited MacKenzie is at the top of the pyramid, and she has earned her spot back in the group number. A very present Brooke is still nowhere to be found in Abby's hierarchy.
Last night on Vanderpump Rules the battle for Stassi Schroeder's corroded heart continued. And it involved men brawling in the parking lot, thrown drinks, and lots of tears. Was I the only one laughing?
So Stassi is corralling her two best friends Kristen Doute and Katie Maloney (who finally got some airtime this week!) to go to Vegas for her 24th birthday. It's a tradition that every year on the eve of the most illustrious birthday of the year – almost more important that Baby Jesus' – Stassi begins her annual trek to the holy land. The mecca of debauchery, inappropriately abused sequins, and liquid splendor. And all hail queen Stassi of the golden hair and orange tan cause she is the chosen one. That's what she tells herself anyway. I'm still surprised she can find two people willing to vacation with her.
Apparently Stassi has A-List friends and B-List friends, all of whom are employees at Sur per her contract with Bravo and first she invites the A-Listers so they can be sure to waste their vacation days on her and get off work. Then when she's positive the B-Listers won't be able to score time off she pity invites them and then laughs when they feel bad declining. More champagne for her!
Last night marked a lot of positives for Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. One those being that there was absolutely no Taylor Armstrong drunken drama to report. And the ladies went to Las Vegas and GOT. ALONG! *gasp* Of course, being that this is Bravo and they like to traumatize and put us through undue emotional strain, there were also some drawbacks. Namely she whose face melts like a crayon left in the sun. Versions 1 & 2!
Things begin with Yolanda Foster, her fridge, her lemonpalooza, and her Hermes belt hosting an anti-aging conference. Yolanda explains that scary plastic surgery zombies who pump their faces full of toxins need to accept that aging is natural and that moving one's face is too. I think we just discovered why Yolanda doesn't like Adrienne Maloof or Faye Resnick - she doesn't agree with their "grooming" habits or the fact that even while crying, screaming, and attempting to smile their faces look like blobs of dough with eye and nose holes.
Now correct me if I'm wrong, but I do not believe Mrs. Foster4.0 is immune to the needle of 'tox. That forehead is awfully smooth for a woman of her age. I don't believe lemons are solely responsible for her refined pores. Do you?
Ah, there he is! Bachelor Sean Lowe goes into this week's dates with "trust" in mind, which totally comes in handy during his first one-on-one date. The date card goes to Selma and reads "let's turn up the heat." Sean's plan is to take the "glamorous girl" out of her element to see how she reacts. Good times.
Less than impressed by their final destination, Selma says, "I got the limo. I got the jet. And then he took the Iraqi to a desert. I do not do well in the heat. At all. I'm so disappointed." The desert location is Joshua Tree National Park and the activity is rock climbing. The glamor girl complains about this not-so-fabulous date. Despite her fear of heights and heat-induced puffiness, Selma climbs the rock like a champ! She's proud of herself and Sean's impressed.
Is it just me, or do these girls get dumber the longer this season of Teen Mom 2 continues? It's like, they do something stupid, and I'm convinced that they can't top their own stupidity, and then BAM! The next episode happens, and they've proven me wrong. Case in point…on last night's episode, Leah Messer Calvert took out her IUD because she wants her kids to be close in age. Pay no attention to the fact that at this point she's only known Jeremy for two months. Jenelle Evans admits she slept with her best friend's boyfriend around the time she got pregnant, so she doesn't know for certain who Jace's father is. Chelsea Houska was more concerned about Adam's twenty-first birthday than studying for her GED, and Kailyn Lowry brought yet another dude into Isaac's life. I can't wait to see what they have in store for us next week!
After the twins' birthday party, Leah drops off the twins with Corey. He's lamenting (well, not really…he's be lamenting if he knew what it meant) about what to get the girls for their birthday since they already have every toy under the sun. Leah tells him she got them a Barbie jeep before riding off into the sunset for a romantic getaway with Jeremy. They head up to a cabin in the mountains, and Leah is blown away by the coziness of it all. Plus, there's a hot tub! Jeremy sneakily hides what I'm assuming is an engagement ring in a vase in the den. I'm just glad these crazy kids are taking it slow.
Jo has Isaac for the weekend, and Kailyn has a date with Javi. I'm getting that Kailyn's favorite restaurant is a diner. Javi is studying criminal justice in school, and he wants to be a cop. They flirt, eat, and cut to the chase as far as dating, Isaac, and Jo are concerned. Seriously, what is up with these girls throwing themselves into relationships? It's a breakfast date, not an interview for a spouse.