Take us back to dock, Jimmy Buffett…”I used to rule my world from a pay phone and ships out on the sea; but now times are rough, and I got too much stuff–can’t explain the likes of me. But there’s this one particular harbor, so far but yet so near; where I see the days as they fade away, and finally disappear.” Thanks for joining us for Below Deck’s final voyage on the Eros, at least for this season. Can we say cray-cray? Thank goodness Captain Lee Rosbach was able to keep is alpha cool among all the chaos!
The episode begins with Amy Johnson and Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow warning Emile Kotze that confronting Eddie Lucas about his spin cycle affair with Rocky is a bad idea. Well, Amy is doing most of the warning…Rocky is licking her chops and trying to hide her “my plan is working!” grin. Rocky then asks is Amy is jealous of laundry room liaisons with Eddie given Amy’s long-time crush on the bosun. There’s nothing like salt in the wound, right readers? The confusing charter guests are in full swing. Who are these girls? Why did these two guys who are clearly getting nada from their ladies paying for them to be on a chartered yacht? The girls look at the two primary guests as photographers who can capture their every moment flanked by Emile and Eddie.
Last night on Vanderpump Rules we got a little taste ofLala Kent, the manipulative little she-houdini. We also got a glimpse of Scheana Marie‘s marriage when her keeping up appearances failed. Then Lisa Vanderpump called Ken “the big cock” and all else was forgotten!
Lisa takes Scheana and Katie Maloney shopping for new SUR uniforms because she now wants her survers to look like 1950’s diner waitresses. The true intention, however, was Lisa putting the kibosh on how Scheana and Katie have been treating pooooooor, whiiiddle sweet Lala, of the Britney Spears Academy For The Not That Innocent (she got straight A’ss).
Something tells me that we aren’t going to see any of the runway shenanigans featured on last night’s Love & Hip Hop Hollywoodduring Fashion Week! This crew can’t have even the simplest event without major drama. Even back-to-school shopping is more than just backpacks and tiny jeans.
The episode begins with Lil’ Fizz and Moniece clothes shopping for Cameron before he starts kindergarten. Fizz is thrilled to finally be co-parenting with his ex, and he’s got a plan that good benefit both of them…he wants Moniece to be the featured girl in his upcoming video that Nikki declined. Moniece is happy to oblige but she’s confused by the emotions that are starting to resurface, especially given how much she loves Rich Dollaz. She presses Fizz about his dating life, and when Moniece learns he’s seeing Nikki, she realizes he’s just going for the low hanging fruit. Ray J is still moping over his break-up Princess, so he seeks advice from his friend Max. No matter how many hotties Ray may find in a club, no one compares to Princess. She’s changed him. While Ray used to cheat 90% of the time (that’s two girls a week, according to him), now he’s only cheating 5%…and most of that is just him watching porn. Wow, he’s such a catch!
Here’s what I have to say about this season of Real Housewives Of Atlanta: I think I’m gonna like it here. This season things are progressing – storylines are moving. We are no longer subjected to the same tired fake feuds and the men are messier than the Housewives. Is that Bravo’s version of feminism?
Last night we met Kim Fields, and I am so happy she did not appear during Kenya Moore and Sheree Whitfield arguing over who is the most broke. Let’s be honest: it’s a tie! Like, I wouldn’t bet a half-finished glass of Franzia on the these two getting their houses finished in a timely manner. They oughtta both get some luxury RVs and plop them on their respective properties. Or pool their resources to construct a Chatfaux SheMoore Messor.
The clock is ticking on each couple’s short window of time on 90-Day Fiance as they plumb the very shallow depths of how well – or how little – they know each other before walking down the aisle. This week’s episode gives us another glimpse into the vast expanse of years that stretches between 58-year old Markand 19-year old Nikki, who face an awkward conversation in front of Mark’s family about future kids…or lack thereof. Speaking of kids, I’ll start this recap with a quote from my 5-year old daughter as she watched literally 30 seconds of a sneak peek of this episode: “Why does that girl want to marry her grandpa?” she wondered. Yip. Mommy doesn’t know, honey. But let’s find out! #mouthsofbabes #kindergartenwisdom
Nikki is not feeling well, but Mark is hopeful she’ll rally to come dine with Mark’s sister, niece, and nephew, who are visiting for breakfast. Mark says Nikki has “put him on notice;” she wants him to spend more time with her and less time talking creepily about his ex-wife working. He’s crossing his fingers that he can make her happy, and apparently, his master plan includes pancakes!
I can’t wait to see the numbers that tuned into last night’s Sister Wives to witness Meri’s anticlimactic catfish confession. The episode begins with the Browns still on an Alaska high after a fun-filled family vacation on TLC’s dime, and Christine is thrilled at how well the kids got along…and the wives too! Janelle is glad that her oldest children’s significant others could join the crew. Maddie’s boyfriend Caleb is a bit nervous to have “the talk” with Kody. Before he bites the bullet, he and Madison are sneaking away for a double date with Logan and his girlfriend Michelle. Logan reveals that dating has been hard for him because people seem to automatically assume he wants to be a polygamist. While he loves his family, he only wants one wife.
Over dinner, Michelle admits that she found meeting Kody to be intimidating, but Caleb? Not so much. Caleb and Logan both assure their significant others that they are one-woman guys. Michelle and Caleb both enjoy the dynamic of all the mothers. Madison believes that not having multiple mothers will be the oddest part of raising her own kids. Janelle thinks that all of the Brown children feel grateful for their different upbringing, and she knows there were times her kids likes Meri and Christine more than they liked her. Robyn finds it funny that the parents are putting so much pressure on Kody and Maddie to get married, but they hold back when it comes to Logan and Michelle. She wants everyone to take a chill pill until they are certain Caleb is ready to tie the knot. Thanks, Robyn. As always, your opinion is the most important. Where is the sarcasm font when you need it?
Before we get to the assery of Brooks (and later Terry) we must first confront the assery of David. Did you know – he had an affair! During the last reunion Shannon Beador pretended her marriage was amazing and wonderful and more perfect than ever. Except, haha – 3 weeks prior she had learned David was cheating, then he left her, then he came home with his dick tail between his legs, and then he whisked her away on a 17-day romantic vacation. So she wasn’t lying! Sadly when the cameras started rolling again, “reality” set-in.
Really – honestly – I don’t care what’s happening with Shannon, her vagina, her affair, her husband, her colon, her rectum, because her voice is sounding more like my 90-year-old great aunt’s by the day and that’s scary.
Last night’s Below Deck was setting the scene for quite an explosive finale, and I cannot wait. I am just sick about the season ending…one might say I’m seasick over it all. I am also sick-sick and popping antibiotics and fighting off a recurring fever, but it’s clear that there was no denying the heat between everyone’s favorite first stew and a chef whose eyebrows don’t scare the living bejezzus out of me! Let’s “dive in,” shall we? Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow needs a friend to talk to, so she finds Emile Kotze to tell him about her tryst with Eddie Lucas, and he’s not even sure how to respond? High five? Congratulations? He laughs bitterly and settles on,”I can’t believe he got it in and I didn’t.” She shares the juicy details (where, how many times, what it was like) and brags that she has evidence on her phone in the form of horny text messages from Eddie. She’s glad Emile is such a great pal who is willing to listen. I’m concerned Emile’s head is going to explode, but he remains loyal to his favorite tease. Speaking of teasing, Ben Robinson questions Kate Chastain about the lingerie she’s wearing, and she coyly details her lacy bra, admitting to going commando elsewhere.
The charter guests are two real estate moguls and their four pretty girlfriends (that’s right…four). Ben remarks that the women are gorgeous, and Kate manages an awkward smile. In the galley, Rocky tries to have some semblance of a normal relationship with Eddie, but he’s not having any of it. He’s beyond excited to be over with this charter. He’s never been more thrilled to get off a yacht. Not only is my once favorite bosun being unnecessarily mean, Eddie pulls a giant douche move and accuses Rocky of seducing him with the knowledge he had a girlfriend. No. Just no. Last time I checked, Eddie’s loyalty, not Rocky’s, was owed to his girlfriend. Later, he tries to tease Emile over breakfast, but Emile is livid at his superior for stealing his girl. When Eddie doesn’t get a reaction, he starts barking orders with Emile walking out mid-command. Emile and Connie Arias are snipping at each other as they ready the sun deck. A crabby Emile whines about everything, which Connie labeling him a “little bitch.” He retaliates by calling her a whore. He’s such a catch.