On last night's finale of Real Housewives of Miami things were peaceable, nice, and sweet. I kinda expected the reunion to be filmed sans moderator in Vicki Gunvalson's backyard circa S1 of RHOC, aka before these shows descended into non-stop fighting, backstabbing, and made-for-TV personal problems.
Nope, last night's episode featured real, honest-to-goodness drama, and sweetness. I guess after a season of crazy why not end on a high note?
Things begin with the girls still in Bimini. Apparently the bad weather has stranded them and trying to turn lemons into lemonade an energetic Marysol Patton suggests a "Healing Water" ceremony involving flowers and Pucci worn with aquashoes. Marysol explains that her mother believes making a wish and throwing flowers over your head into water can cleanse negative energy and help us find closure and peace.
Lea Black had been passing the time talking to all her friends in jail and so she's game. I mean who wants to hear some wealthy con complain about the frozen peas and lukewarm gravy in the minimum security prison when you could be on vacation right? Adriana de Moura laughs that while alone in their cells at night they're all fantasizing about Lea and Lea didn't seem to find that image appetizing.
So, earlier last night we watched the end of an overly tanned, liquor-infused, fist-pumping era. I'll admit, while Paula's cake to Mike was ridiculously disgusting and disturbing, I giggled a bit…and for that, I'm ashamed. Even if the house thought it was funny, it wasn't okay. At all. Now, it's time for the Jersey Shore reunion.
We revisit seasons past: t-shirt time, Snooki's initial entrance into the house, and Vinny's faux hawk. The gang jokes about how their random sayings work their way into the conversations of us regular folks before showing a highlight reel of many roommate fights. While they are all about throwing punches and pulling hair, they can laugh it off knowing they were quick to forgive once everyone got sober. For once, Snooki's hair is more orange than her skin. Cue a duck phone montage. Everyone jokes about Mike's final beat down of the poor mallard.
I'm not going to lie, but I've got some tissue on hand for the series finale of Jersey Shore. I always get super teary when shows end…Zack and Kelly's wedding, the final Family Ties, Who's the Boss, and don't even get me started on Friends! However, I can honestly say I've never gotten sad about the end of a reality show. Hopefully, that's the norm. I don't remember getting upset saying good-bye to any of the Real World casts (more like good riddance!), and I barely noticed when my fave Rosie Pope didn't get renewed. However, for some odd and unknown reason, these orange meatballs and gorilla juiceheads are different.
After being accosted by a friend to give the show a chance, I was appalled. Who wears slippers out in public and thinks it's funny to show their Britneys while on the dance floor? What idiots tan every day and use enough hairspray that we may have cause to sue them for global warming? Sadly, I was quickly won over by Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi, Jenni "JWoww" Farley, Vinny Guadagnino, DJ Pauly D Delvecchio, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, Deena Cortese, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, and Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola. Yes, their antics showed no inkling of decorum or maturity, and yes, I was (and still am) grossed out by many of their actions, but in a world of reality television show where cast mates hate one another, it was beyond refreshing to see this group grow into a legitimate family. I have no doubt that the majority of them will still be pranking each other in the assisted living facility. Hanging out for a day with Vinny and Pauly is on my bucket list. Instead of VPL being code for visible panty line, it would be Vinny/Pauly/Lauren. I digress (what else is new?). On to the recap…I'm wearing my favorite airbrushed tank top, my whitest pair of sneakers, and leopard print track pants. My hand is wrapped around some Ron-Ron juice (kidding, I don't want to die!), and I'm ready to wish these imbeciles well. Do you think it's a coincidence that their show ends the night before many doomsdayers think we're all goners?
The roommates have decided to throw a giant bonfire party on the beach. They plan to invite all of their family and friends to commemorate their final MTV summer together. Pauly and Vinny are in charge of getting wood. Erection jokes ensue. The wood won't fit in their vehicle, so Vinny is forced to wheel it home on the handcart while Pauly follows behind him in the SUV. Classic VP. A party rental place is delivering tables, chairs, and the like. I guess these people can finally afford a legitimate party. They even bring the grill to the beach. Pauly lights the bonfire. Oh yeah, fi-arh, yeah!
Padma Lakshmi introduces this week's guest judge to the eleven remaining contestants, season four winner Stephanie Izard. Stephanie is the only woman to ever win Top Chef.
The challenge: The chefs may cook whatever they like but every ingredient in the kitchen is wrapped in Reynolds Wrap (shameless product placement). The chefs blindly choose their ingredients. If they unwrap it, they must use it. Also, foil is the only cooking vessel that they are allowed to use.
Danyele McPherson - cannellini bean stew with bacon asiago cheese, and tomatillo. While Danyele was thrown off by the tomatillo, Stephanie thinks it improved the dish. Micah Fields - grilled lamb with tomato fennel panzanella. The lamb is rare. Stefan – hot smoked salmon with german potato salad served with champagne. John Tesar - beed egg drop soup with braised pineapple. Stephanie likes the pineapple and the beef combination.
Brooke - bacon roasted yams with bacon, onion, and apple salad. The raw onion nearly kills Padma. Josh Valentine - roasted chicken with potatoes, poblano, tomatillo, and carrots. Stephanie appreciates the small hint of heat. Kristen Kish - almond and chocolate sponge cake. Not only did Kristen mix the ingredients in a foil bowl but she also baked the cake in a foil pan. The texture of the cake is great. Kristen continues to impress me.
I'm just going to come out and say it – I am OVER Kyle Richards. Last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills she once again showed herself to be a sniveling, conniving, drama queen. Furthermore, it must be hard to be Faye Resnick. Always in the shadows, always a hanger-on, just waiting, waiting, waiting for fame to finally deem you worthy.
Last night Brandi Glanville realized she made a grave mistake, an egregious error as she attempted to take on a furious Adrienne Maloof. Brandi didn't realize what she was getting herself into. It reminded her of that time she entered the Jell-O wrestling competition in Vegas. After a few cocktails it seemed fun but all she got in the end was showing nipples and the attentions of a F-list actor named Eddie hoping to raise himself through the ranks from nobody to lesser nobody.
Anyway, Brandi is still at Mauricio's real estate convention thing and she's just gotten double-teamed by WWF Supervillians Hoof & Nasty. Maybe she deserved it. Adrienne storms out, pointing to the fans in her glittering purple caftan, vowing to return and warns Brandi that she'll out her as a druggie whore if she doesn't watch it.
We begin as Leah and Jeremy make it official after her first motorcycle ride. When he asks about what went wrong with Corey to which she replies, "He did some things, I did some things." Jeremy doesn't care. He couldn't be happier that he sent that Facebook friend request!
Chelsea's friend has encouraged her to see a therapist. Chelsea isn't ready to give up Adam, but she admits to having issues with depression and low self-esteem before Adam ever came along.
Jenelle is passing all of her drug tests, and she's back in school. She has lunch with her mom Barbara, and she admits that she's stopped taking her bi-polar meds. Barbara wants Jenelle to make a doctor's appointment to refill her prescription which Jenelle says she'll do "when she has time." We all know how that turns out, don't we? She admits to her mother that she's going to hang out with a new guy. Barbara thinks that a new skinny kid is exactly what her daughter needs to take her mind off of Kieffer. She praises Jenelle's more responsible attitude and agrees to let her take Jace to Myrtle Beach for the day.
When Jo comes to pick up Isaac, Kailyn is crying over Jordan. He tries to console her by telling her any guy that would stand her up isn't worth the tears. Poor Jo. He can't win for losing.
And we're back with the second dose of Basketball Wives LA Reunion madness. I don't know if you're considering it a Christmas miracle to get two recaps back to back or if you're wondering how naughty you must have been this year to deserve two helpings of this madness in one day. I hope it's the former. :) Let's check in with John Salley and his purple plaid, shall we?
We return with the ladies holding up their cards sharing who should exit stage left from the show next season. You have captivated me, John Salley, that is for sure! Laura and Jackie's duel is in full force, and I adore that John has finally stood up so that we could regale his attire in all it's Urkel glory. Who is styling these folks? Getting back to the situation at hand, the majority of the women are ready to get rid of the Sisters Govan and Bambi for next season. Most of the women believe that Gloria is too snooty for the show. Jackie calls out herself…just to play the martyr. She was concerned that most of the women would pick her (they didn't). Jackie says that even though no one may want her back, she'll be back regardless.
RT readers and Basketball Wives LA fans, please accept my sincerest apologies. I had no clue that the first half of the reunion was airing immediately after the finale, and for some reason my season pass didn't record it. I realize it's a week late, but I hope you enjoy the recap. The second half of the reunion will be posted later today.
John Salley introduces the newbies, and is it just me, or is he dressed like Willie Wonka? He welcomes Brooke Bailey and Bambi before touting the veterans, Gloria Govan, Laura Govan, Malaysia Pargo, Draya Michele…and of course, the lady who carried the season, Jackie Christie. John shares that this year the reunion will have some surprises and many more fan questions. Jackie is sporting her finest vinyl dominatrix attire. We revisit the beginning of the season when Malaysia was trying to get the girls on board with reconciling with Jackie. We all know how that went! Jackie reveals that she returned to prove that she wasn't the pot stirrer we saw last season. Uh huh.
Starting in with the viewer questions, John asks why Malaysia worked so hard to bring Jackie back into the group. Malaysia counters that she is an actual basketball wife (smack in the face of 90% of her co-stars), and her breasts on On Display, as Melissa Gorga would say. Another viewer wonders about Laura's evil behavior to Jackie, and Laura owns up to it. Her girls are also all out for us to see. I'm starting to notice that they all are…except for that random blonde chick…oh wait, that's Bambi. :) Laura and Jackie get into a back-and-forth about Laura's need for tit-for-tat. Insults are hurled and John Salley can't seem to bring the women back into the Chocolate Factory. VH1, you are usually so generous with the subtitles….what happened?