First things first, the attire. Melissa Gorga, in my opinion, wins best in show for this reunion because she went for cocktail chic instead of junior prom night circa 1995. Controversial opinion: Margaret Josephs comes in second, if only because that shade of green is perfection on her, and I’m loving the noticeable absence of pigtails. Teresa Giudice is looking very…Teresa, which is pretty damn good for someone who struggles valiantly against the gravity of her hairline. Meanwhile, Danielle Staub, Siggy Flicker, and Dolores Catania bring up the caboose of this fashion(ish) show with fullly engorged bubbies On Display! On Display! On Display! in more bronzer than the smush-room of the Jersey Shore house ever saw. Let’s hope these couches get a good dry cleaning after this sh*t goes down.
Margaret and Marge Sr. are checking out the custom made dress commissioned for Margaret’s 50th birthday party. She’s forever 21 in her head, but in the dress, her boobage is still 49. As she yanks and tugs at her cleavage, Danielle saunters in to join the party. They all discuss Siggy’s rude behavior at the Gorga’s restaurant opening. Marge isn’t going to uninvite Siggy to her disco bash just because she acted crazy – I mean, everyone’s used to that sh*t by now, right?!
After many seasons of being the most blindly loyal wife of all time to Joe Giudice, Teresa Giudice has finally shared her true feelings about the legal issues her family have endured. After the death of her mother, Teresa expressed how she wishes she wasn’t “away” (in jail) for so long instead of spending time with her mom.
Teresa is talking about how angry she is with Joe and whether or not Teresa will stick by her husband is being used as a story line on Real Housewives of New Jersey. Now, she has fans wondering if she will divorce the man she used to refer to as “Juicy Joe” thanks to a photo that she posted with a divorce attorney.
Margaret Josephs and Siggy are now in open war after Siggy’s accusation that Marge was anti-Semitic. Siggy’s half-hearted (and delayed) response to Marge’s apology did nothing to cool the flames. Melissa Gorga is back in the strip mall trying to make Envy happen, despite the wishes of Joe Gorga. He apparently needs a waitress at the new pizza joint, and his only remaining name tag says “Melissa.” Teresa Giudice is living like it’s 2009 all over again as she turns up at Danielle Staub’s home to offer a contractually obligatory apology to her dorters. Except one of the dorters doesn’t even want to see her! She’s like, Namaste away, crazy lady! Tre has trouble counting to two anyway, so she likely thinks all Staub offspring are present for the blessed event.
Our apologies, Italy. Please don’t judge us based on The Real Housewives Of New Jersey visiting your fair country! As the ladies storm into Milan, breaking glasses and acting like a$$es, Danielle Staub finally goes, well…Danielle Staub on everyone. Having no more stale cake to metaphorically drag around, Siggy Flicker decides it’s time to up the ante by calling out Margaret Josephs on her Hitler remarks. Dolores Catania tries to ride the very sharp fence of loyalty to Teresa Giudice and Siggy, while Melissa Gorga pretends to be an entrepreneur as she scours the fashion houses of Milan for feather boas and plunging necklines. Envy needs some sh*t on its shelves, after all.
After packing montages where everyone discusses what an epic disaster the trip is bound to be, we cut to the ladies landing in Italy in one piece. Marge is just glad no one has breathed a word about the Posche fashion show, but Melissa thinks it’s nuts that no one’s discussing the elephant – or in Kim DePaola’s case, the leathery lizard – in the room. In the van on the way to their hotel, Dolores asks what the agenda is? Ladies, it’s time to channel your inner Beyonce and get in Formation! The teams shall be: Siggy/Dolores, Margaret/Melissa, and Teresa/Danielle. It will be a six-women-enter-five-women-leave situation, a la Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. (Except set in a swag hotel rather than a dusty mosh pit.)
But first, Margaret needs to redecorate her house. Interior designer Joyce comes over to take a look at the 1960s projection screen and ballrooms-turned-dining-turned-living-rooms. Joe the contractor is apparently not keeping up with Marge’s needs – at least outside of the bedroom. Marge and her mumu want changes NOW! Yes, there will be velvet on the walls! There will be bedazzled curtain rings! And Joyce promises it will be finished before Margaret returns from Italy in two weeks. Also, Margaret wants Joe to know about Kim D and all of her wily ways, as if Joe the contractor gives a flying fig about this phantom menace.
She’s managed to behave herself for long enough – now it’s time for Teresa Giudice to start breaking sh*t in restaurants again! This week on The Real Housewives Of New Jersey, Tre goes bananas when she hears Kim DePaola is spreading rumors about her rumored side piece. But her real issue is with Dolores Catania, who she claims didn’t defend her against the three-headed snake that is Kim D. While Siggy Flicker and Melissa Gorga come to a better place after a “healing” exercise about cake -(yesss! please let this be the frigging cake’s final gasp!) – Danielle Staub silently plans her next move against Dolores. As for Margaret Josephs? Well, she just continues to be kind of awesome.
We begin at Siggy’shellish retreat, where she’s mimicking Margaret in a far inferior sketch than Marge just pulled off. No one is impressed. Furthermore, no one understands how this lame game is supposed to bring them closer together. Essentially, it’s like we’ve all died and gone to corporate retreat team building hell. But anyway, here we are. At least Siggy and Margaret get over the exercise fairly quickly, returning amicably to their spot on the wall of shame. But not so fast for Siggy! Get back in the ring, woman!
Even though The Real Housewives Of New Jersey is on a break this week, we can still live vicariously through their delusions and misadventures in real time! At a recent Long Island book signing for her latest memoir, Standing Strong, Teresa Giudice shared why her ghost writer’s writing has gotten a little more raw lately, how her family is doing, and what advice she has for other women out there who are going through “hard times.”
Teresa also has big plans for the future: a career as a novelist. Yup. It’s happening. The center cannot hold. Things fall apart. Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world…(Is this the first sign of apocalypse? Or was that when Tamra Judge found Jesus?) In any case, Teresa has plans of not doing certain things in the future as well – like signing anything Joe Giudice asks her to – ever.