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Vanderpump Rules

vpr-recap

Just when you think the twists on Vanderpump Rules can't get any twistier – they do! Now the entire plotline is like one of those loop-de-loop straws where you go cross-eyed trying to watch the liquid wind through the twists and curves. It sure makes for exciting TV, though!

Things begin with the annual SUR photoshoot. The theme is always endless summer because what is SUR if it's not attractive near-naked people doing Vegas-y things, which is what everyone wants near their food.

Kristen Doute is not participating because she's practically fired for her antics last week and the week before and the week before… and basically since the land before time. Lisa Vanderpump really doesn't care if Kristen bangs Jax Taylor, but she better not bring her hoochie drama into Lisa's restaurant. Lisa has lines, and although those lines are twistier and blurry-er than a bendy straw, they are there. 

Lisa's other concern, besides Kristen's behavior, is Jax's lack of remorse over the entire thing. He's at the photoshoot flaunting his pecs and bragging about how the male modelizer is baaack baby! Not quite. True Fact: I remember seeing Jax in Vogue in days of yore. It sure is a shame that he has destroyed his looks. He should just get on with his inevitable destiny of marrying Lindsay Lohan and having some trainwreck reality show starring Dr. Drew Fakesy

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"Mostly, they bum around Los Angeles sleeping with each other’s partners, drinking too much and squabbling endlessly, but at the end of the day, they’re all just lost kids with failed dreams who work in the service industry and happen to be trailed by a production crew."

This line is from a recent Time article, and may I say that it's pure genius and totally accurate. That's right, we're getting high-brow up in here! The piece is on the crew from Vanderpump Rules and seeks to explain viewers' fascination with mean girl Stassi Schroeder, man whore Jax Taylor, and the rest of Lisa Vanderpump's attractive SUR minions. It's certainly my guilty pleasure and last night's finale was everything I hoped for and more!  

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Lisa Vanderpump fully admits that she's been trying to mother Brandi Glanville this season on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and she's not ashamed of it. 

During an appearance on WWHL, a caller asked Lisa if she thinks she mothers Brandi like she does the Sur staff.  Lisa confessed, "Guilty as charged. Absolutely.  I do feel Brandi was struggling and I really wanted to help her because I loved her."  

Andy asked Lisa if she knew it was bugging Brandi, "I did eventually. That's why I kind of backed off because I thought I was damned either way. But I did really care about her."  

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jax taylor tom sandoval towels

Lisa Vanderpump and Jax Taylor were Andy's guests tonight on Watch What Happens Live.  Jax shared that this was his first time watching the explosive season finale of Vanderpump Rules and he finally feels some remorse for sleeping with his best friend's girl. 

Lisa shared her take on tonight's episode, "I found it so disconcerting.  I'm so upset with him still. "  Andy asks if there's anything that he did or said that irritated her on tonight's episode, "Everything he said really pissed me off but the one thing is when he said 'you came twice sweetheart' to Kristen." Lisa proceeded to smash a breakaway bottle over Jax's head (Andy provided her with a box of them..).  "No remorse.  That's what I'm saying."

Jax shared that he DOES feel bad NOW.  "We watched the episode together and after seeing it and watching myself on there, it was hard to watch.  I really feel like a piece of shit."

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This week's reality TV viewer numbers are in – and we have some winners and some losers. The biggest loser, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, attracted just 1.727 million viewers this week. Catch a clue, Kris Jenner. We're OVER it. This week's winner?  Clearly baby Dylan!  Isn't he the cutest thing ever?  His show, Real Housewives of Atlanta, scored over 3.9 million viewers thanks to the much anticipated pajama party brawl.

The Sister Wives are totally winning. They're able to run their fingers through Kody's luscious locks every four days – AND a whopping 2.415 million tuned in this week.  That's nearly a million more viewers than last week!  Kris Jenner becomes wife number five in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…

Moving on to Monday,  Love & Hip Hop lost almost 400,000 viewers,  while Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Vanderpump Rules saw increases this week. 1.951 million sat through a raunchy pool party on RHOBH and 1.874 million couldn't resist a bitch slap on Pump Rules. Believe it or not, ratings wise, Vanderpump Rules has outshined RHOBH two weeks in a row now.

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vpr-recap-stassi-kristen

Don't you love a good twist? Like a super dishy one? Well last night on Vanderpump Rules we got one! 

Let's just cut to the chase – Jax Taylor admitted to banging Kristen Doute, not once – but twice! Oooooohhhhweeeee boy. And one of those bangs happened while Tom 1 (as in Kristen's boyfriend – the she's been freaking out over his cheating all season) was In. The. Next. Room. Say it with me now: escándalo! ES-SCAND-DAL-O! 

Of course, one Stassi Schroederwhose middle name is vendetta and whose first name is legally insane, is furious. She decides it's time to destroy Kristen's life as revenge. Isn't having the whole world know you banged Jax enough?! Apparently not! First order of business: gifting Kristen with a dildo dipped in acid to destroy her insides. Is this woman working for the Taliban yet?! North Korean dictators? I think I found her calling! 

But what of Jax, you ask? What terrible fate befalls him? Well, for his honesty he is accepted into the group; folded in like a big ol' piece of cheese wrapped between two buttery warm pieces of bread. Finally – FINALLY – Jax has realized honesty really is the best policy. He gets all the attention he craves and a gold star for truth telling. Are you rolling your eyes? I so am! Apparently Jax is a dirty dog and he can't help his wandering peen, but Kristen she's supposed to be one of Stassi's revolving best friends.

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OK! Magazine Pre-GRAMMY Party - Arrivals

Last night Real Housewives of the past and present sashayed and twirled down the red carpet at OK! Magazine's pre-grammy party in L.A. 

Joanna Krupa stole the spotlight in this sheer and black gown that reminded of us the revealing dress that Paris Hilton wore the night before to Diddy's own pre-grammy party.  (see below).  Almost all of the ladies of Bravo (and a few VH1 stragglers) wore black, except for Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kenya Moore, who opted for a purple number.  Last night was also Kenya's birthday and we'd be willing to bet her evening included a little birthday toast over the news of Apollo Nida's criminal charges

Also in attendance: former Real Housewives of Orange County star Gretchen Rossi, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills stars Kyle Richards and Joyce Giraud (whose husbands may be hanging out too often, as they're starting to dress alike), and Couples Therapy star Farrah Abraham.  Also on the carpet: NeNe Leakes and Laura Govan, as well as some of the cast of Vanderpump Rules: Scheana Marie, Katie Maloney, Kristen Doute and others. 

Updated to add new pis of Slade Smiley, Lilly Ghalichi, Jax Taylor and more!

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It's time to see who watched what this week. 

On Sunday, Real Housewives of Atlanta logged 3.695 million viewers. That's down from last week's 4.187 million but enough to make RHOA the top cable telecast (ratings wise) of the night.  Not at the top?  Keeping Up with the Kardashians! Season nine premiered to 2.569 million on Sunday and 2.142 on Monday. Ouch! Sister Wives saw a significant drop (2.0 to 1.44) this week.

Love & Hip Hop won Monday night with 3.447 million fans tuning in, which is a new season high. Holding somewhat steady are Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (1.786) and Vanderpump Rules (1.538).  

On Tuesday, Teen Mom 2 returned for its fifth season, to the dismay of many Reality Tea readers. However the show garnered 2.756 million viewers and was the top cable telecast (ratings wise) of the night.   Also, Dance Moms was watched by 2.010 million, and Shahs of Sunset saw its second lowest number of the season with 1.054 million.

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