Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: The Hills Are Alive With The Sound of Bickering

On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, the ladies just couldn’t seem to get along and Brandi was again an outsider with only Adrienne and Taylor willing to be her friend – but only when no one else was looking! It kinda reminded me of Heathers! Watch your drink, Kyle!

Game night continues to rage on at Dana’s. Brandi tries to call a “Time-Out” but the Richards are in full attack mode, Winston Churchill be damned; they subscribe to Napoleonic tactics! Kyle is still upset Brandi let her son pee on Adrienne’s grass – ok, it’s tacky, but c’mon! Brandi is furious that Kyle is talking about her kids, but Kyle is actually talking about Brandi’s bad mothering!

Camille admits Kyle can be a B-I-T-C-H. Sick of the Richards’ superior attitude, a sniffling Brandi snaps that everyone else is trailer park and they’re Queens of England. Um…no, Kim redirects, only Brandi is trailer park! And Kyle’s not wearing a tiara! Duh! Well, I kinda think Kyle wears one at home when no one is looking, don’t you?


Then Brandi blurts out that Kim is using Crystal Meth in the bathroom! It’s like Clue! Kim, in the bathroom, with the meth! Kyle jumps up and Teresa Giudice Brandi sort of hobbles up and starts screaming she will kill Kyle!! There’s a lot of pointing and Kim interjects to call Brandi a “pig!” No, not just a pig, but a “slut pig!” Kimmie is throwing it down!

Taylor has had enough and breaks Kim and Brandi apart, insisting that no one is touching anyone. I hate to say it, but thank you, Taylor! Taylor is shocked that her friends got all Oklahoma on each others’ a$$es! Dana attempts to soothe things over by announcing, ‘like we’re from the BH, bitches, we do our thing, with like 25K sunglasses that can’t get broken in no b!tchslapping of hoes, so like we’re classy like that.’ Um… she scares me.

On that note, Brandi decides to evacuate the building. Hey, when the inmates have taken over the asylum, it’s wise to flee while you can! Sadly, her crutches are MIA and Kim doesn’t remember where they are (or is refusing to say!). Dana tries to locate them while doling out some psychobabble advising Brandi on decorum. Poor Brandi – it was like the aftermath of a drunken hookup where you can’t find your bra and all you want to do is get the H out of there and take a shower!

All the other ladies are squarely on Team Kim. Even Camille, who is consoling her with a hug and sympathizing about having your life displayed to the public. Kyle quips that now she knows how Camille felt last year! Is this some sort of hazing ritual?

Dana, who may be the one on uppers with all her pep talks, is trying to push a safe and happy group vay-cay on the ladies, who are all like, ‘WHO are you and this is the worst party of my life, damn you Taylor and Andy Cohen for forcing us to hang out with this bish!’ Camille calls it – Dana is D for Desperate! Dana persists with her self-help nonsense (therapy, much?) explaining how they can all love each other. Dana should start reading a self-help book called: Your Authentic Self: How To Be Normal In Social Situations and Make People Like You Without Showing Off Your Faux Wealth.

Kim is extremely upset and not wiling to forgive Brandi like ever, ever and decides to leave. Taylor believes Kim is drug-free (she didn’t think that last year when she hated Kim!), but something is wrong. She also thinks Brandi may have some self-esteem issues because she was bragging about dating three men at once.

Camille was totally thinking – ‘Wait – I am far more attractive and rich; why are there not three men interested in me? Should I be putting out more? No… that’s how I got stuck with that awful career in softcore…’ Dana takes this opportunity to apply some brown lipstick (if you get my drift…) and have a chat with Kyle about how much they love each other. Kyle was flummoxed – she doesn’t even know Dana, but she does know the language of brown nosing!

The next day, Kyle and Adrienne don their neon yellow traffic-director shirts and convene at Lisa’s to rehash Ultimate Fight Night. Adrienne attempts to be neutral which is the direction I wish she would take her wardrobe; and simply refuses to believe any friend of hers would be so stupid about Winston Churchill. How funny was Lisa’s metaphor about drowning in bimbo soup?

Kyle is majorly downplaying her behavior and pulling a Taylor by pretending the cameras weren’t there to capture it. Adrienne reveals that Brandi called her with her version of the events and she believes she was attacked. Lisa is well aware Kim has issues, but not with drugs, and feels Brandi deserved the counterattack for being a bitch.

When Kyle and Lisa realize Brandi will be at Camille’s charity luncheon Kyle makes a mental note to pack her tranquilizers and get an adult diaper and a Clinique Counter appointment for Kim so Brandi doesn’t have any more fodder for accusing her of untoward ladies room behavior.

Taylor decides to meet Brandi for lunch, and by lunch I mean lattes. Well, Brandi orders French fries, but Taylorexic sticks to coffee. A more relaxed Brandi acknowledges she was out of line accusing Kim of meth use, but is really angry about Kyle’s uncalled for attacks on her parenting, so she isn’t apologizing. Taylor feels Brandi should suck up to Kyle or risk being iced out of the group (so that’s where Dana got her tactics!). I wish Bravo would stop trying to make Brandi happen and stick to rich women planning parties.

Kim has been having panic attacks and is on anti-anxiety drugs, which explains her behavior, but Brandi is annoyed that Taylor is making excuses for Kim. She knows a meth addict when she sees one!

The sisters Richards are headed to their Palm Desert house for the weekend. It’s their first trip since the “limo incident” as Kyle puts it. Kyle is trying not to mother (re: smother) Kim as much. She just cares, ya’ll! In the car Kim shows off her new breath freshener – whoops! It’s AIR FRESHENER! Maybe spritzing that stuff explains her behavior…

Kyle and Kim discuss fighting with sisters in a heavily subtext-laden conversation filled with loaded questions – oh what am I saying, they’re not capable of that heavy thinking stuff so instead they just circled the topic. Mauricio arrives to make things more awkward and reveals the sisters are still on edge with each other.

Finally the mystery of Kim’s stolen house! When their mom died she left a number of properties (paid for by Kim’s childhood earnings?) to all her daughters. Kathy (Hilton) is rich as sin and didn’t want any of these little Podunk shacks so she left them for Kim and Kyle to fight over. Kyle wanted the Palm Desert house– for the memories –and bought both her sisters out. Kim wanted to borrow $20,000 back from her share with the idea that she would repay the loan and they would both co-own the house again, but then Kyle said no. Kim is upset they would believe she would sell her house for $20K after she took care of their sick mom there. Kyle claims even though her name is on the deed, it is as much Kim’s house as it is hers. Something tells me Kim doesn’t see it that way.

Finally some excitement! Lisa and Pandora are meeting with Kevin Lee – Wedding Planner Extraordinaire! Pandora wants a simple (by BH standards) backyard wedding, Lisa is gunning for church nuptials, and Kevin Lee wants to build the Sistine Chapel in Lisa’s backyard and have angels flown from the heaven as the flower girls and Pegasus as a ring bearer and a dress bigger and whiter (no pink!) than Kate Windsor née Middleton’s! Umm… exactly how much is this going to cost, Lisa wants to know? Millions! Kevin Lee gasps, with diamonds in his eyes. Actually the max budget is $150K. Kevin deflates like a balloon – but what of his winged horses?! Lisa decides to hire him just to see what he can do and since he’s the best, but he better recognize Mama’s in charge and he is her assistant!

Kim and Kyle go to lunch to talk sister business. Ok, actually Kyle spent lunch telling Kim what to do with her life until Kim told her to zip it with a glare. Kim wants to move closer to her kids who live a horrifying 30 minutes away, but Kyle thinks she should stay in BH closer to her, get a smaller house, and make her kids drive to see her. Kim explains it’s impossible to have a relationship with Kyle because she won’t stop trying to control her life; oh and she always thinks she is right. Kim apparently has been in some heavy-duty therapy this past year, because she keeps reiterating how strong she has become and how much work she has done on herself. Good for her!!

It’s the day of Camille’s charity luncheon and her big concern is what sunglasses to wear?! Well, naturally the ones that cost $25K, Cammie! Camille’s luncheon is to raise money and awareness for the John Wayne Cancer Institute. Camille’s mom survived ovarian cancer but is currently battling bladder cancer. Camille’s mom is so classy and sweet; she looked sensational.

Brandi decides to disgrace the ladies with her presence and show Kyle she isn’t intimidated. Camille begrudgingly admits she was too polite to uninvite Brandi. Dana shows up and brags about dropping $4800 on a fur chubby. Which I dare say, will not be a flattering look for her.

Lisa and Kyle observe they are trapped at a table with Brandi. Camille is very nervous about her speech and clearly has a lot of heart! At least Dana’s boastful acquisition went to a good cause! Brandi decides all this charity stuff is just so unimportant compared to her personal drama with Kyle and is annoyed that Kyle and Lisa are whispering to each other. No offense, but they may not have been talking about you, Bran – there were some pretty insane outfits there!

Brandi decides this is the appropriate time to discuss Game Night with Adrienne, right where Kyle can hear her. Lisa realizes Brandi needs to be put in her place and someone should say something to her. Kyle refuses, so Lisa decides to take one for the team. She asks Brandi where she lives? And points out exactly what makes Brandi different from the other ladies (besides her sluttiness) is her zip code. Brandi, sadly, is no girl from Beverly Hills!

Lisa wonders what Brandi was thinking sitting there while everyone ignored her. Lisa’s not getting it that apparently Brandi is used to other women disliking her – so she just chalked it up as another day in the life of being a super slut! As for a relationship between Lisa and Brandi – not happening!

Kim and Adrienne take a walk together and Kim is acting so normal. Maybe it is nerves that puts her into crazyville? She didn’t go to Camille’s event because she was packing. Kim is not wiling to have anything to do with Brandi and is disappointed that after a year of hard work, someone brought her to that level..

I will say, Kim is looking HOT in her interview outtakes! Adrienne relays that Brandi feels horrible about her accusations, but Kim is not giving her a second chance. Adrienne asks about things with Kyle – Kim reveals things will never be the same as she can never forget about the things Kyle said to her last year. Especially since Kyle understands where she is coming from. Kim is literally haunted by the fight a year later. These girls must have had an incredibly horrendous childhood.

Next week: Surprise engagement party for Pandy. Spa Day at Adrienne’s and here comes Brandi!

Watch What Happens Live: The guests are Most Eligible Dallas’ faux couple, Matt Nordgren and Courtney Kerr. Courtney’s make-up, oooohhh… a little dragalicious! Courtney calls Lisa’s wedding planner love child of Bruce Lee and Elton John. Hehe!

The talk is Courtney and Matt’s relationship? Is it or isn’t it? Nope! Courtney refers to it as an “exploration.” Andy keeps bringing it back to the hooking up and insisting Matt ruined it. Courtney believes he did! Andy addresses the Taylor-Matt relationship. Matt insists they are “just friends” and are collaborating on a foundation. Taylor was in TX for business (?). “Perception is reality!” snips Courtney!

Andy plays Ms. Cleo and he is on it! Why can’t he be this hard on the HW? Andy claims Courtney is madly in love with Matt and she doesn’t deny it; just like Matt doesn’t deny Andy’s accounts of his Tay-Tay relationship!

Game Time! Summer’s Eve: Hot or Hot Mess? Andy asks if Matt dated Jessica Simpson? Nope he didn’t, but a friend of his did! Andy is so fun with these two! Lance Bass appears to show off Turmona. The well-deserved Mazel goes to Giuliana Rancichang in there, Giuliana– we love you! Landslide Poll results – Matt and Courtney are SOULMATES! Poor Court, she loves Mattie Poo!