Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: Evil Glitter-Bombing Glam’mas And The Liars They Take Breaks From


Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County bad behavior along with Vicki Gunvalson's swollen face and insane hair continued to haunt us. She got allll that work done on her face and she couldn't throw in a keratin treatment to deep condition that straw weave she had attached to her head? Dyed-N-Fried.

With all the renovations and double-dealing and lies and dastardly deeds and attention seeking manipulation plots she was accused of, Vicki didn't have time to get her nose done AND her hair. To think all this time I thought she was just a neurotic insurance salesperson. No rest for the wicked, eh?

We resume at Heather Dubrow's glambake. Heather instructs Tamra Barney on how to eat a lobster. Of course since Tamra is saltier than lobster brine she has to make a sex joke out of Heather's instructions when she says to bite on the lobster leg until it "comes in your mouth." Tamra brays across the table like a donkey with a bullhorn about how FANCY PANTS MADE A SEX JOKE. Why doesn't she just wear a sign that says: 'I'm desperate for attention and have no manners!'

Discreetly Heather crosses Tamra's name off the future invites list. Vicki may look like a mutant person with the face of Bride of Frankenstein but at least she talks quietly and uses inside voices at Heather's! 


Speaking of Vicki, you'd think that girl was the first person in California to have plastic surgery. Heather and Dr. Dubrow archly believe you never discuss a woman's weight or her work, but Gretchen Rossi obviously never got that memo. Maybe she's hoping we won't notice her work if she keeps pointing out Vicki's? She and Tamra spend an exorbitant amount of time huddled in the corner whispering about how Vicki did something tehehehehehe. 


Sexyfaces Dubrow-Style! Don't Try This At Home, Kids!

And of course dinner wouldn't be complete without Tamra doing something else to inappropriately seek attention. Gretchen, who is Tamra's deputy, asks Vicki about Brooks and how things are going with Tamra. Vicki says she and Brooks are "on a break" and currently broken up. Gretchen, just failed Interpreting 101 and doesn't believe Vicki and Brooks are broken up. Precisely, because 'on a break' means they are not broken up.

Plus Vicki was like in love with him yesterday. Gretchen believes it's another one of Vicki's games where she lies, manipulates, and plays the victim to get attention. I love how Gretchen and Vicki talk ish about each other when they basically do THE SAME THING. Pot meet kettle, bottle blonde meet peroxide blonde, botox meet restylane, Gretchen meet Vicki. Get the drift?

Anyway, Vicki admits it truly did hurt her that all of the sudden Tamretchen were BFF and Tamra was turning on her and icing her out. Wouldn't you be jealous, Vicki asks? Which is foreshaaaadowing! Do they sell that color in the Gretchen Christine Bootay makeup collection?

Vicki and Gretchen start jokingly pretend that they are buddies now as Tamra glares across the table. ME! She hisses, it's all about ME! Vicki jokes that Tamra is giving her the evil eye. Which prompts Tamra to start whining and fake crying. Then she gets up and loudly wails "I can't do this!" before stomping across the grass. Other dinner guests rolled their eyes.

Leave it to Trashra to ruin a civil conversation. You can take the bottle blondes into a classy glambake, but you can't take the misbehavior out of them! 

Heather and Gretchen counsel the respective victims with good advice. Then everyone goes inside while Terry yearns for onion rings. Here's a tip: go hit up the Wendy's drive-thru. And Heather, stoppit. Give the man some onion rings and quit acting like you're Princess Kate presiding over a royal dinner. 

Inside Tamra learns her fitness studio got approved for a permit which means she eats a tiny bite of cupcake and 2 bottles of wine. Then she and Vicki retreat into the wine cellar to talk their relationship. Heather hovers nearby with her phone at the ready.  Is she calling the police in case her wine bottles get assaulted in some Blonde vs Blonde drama? We could only be so lucky if Tamra rips all Vicki's hair off… 

Instead they both tear up and waffle about how they love each other but Vicki's love of Brooks and Tamra's refusal to accept him put a wedge in their friendship. Vicki loves Brooks but he dumped her due to the pressure of public life. Tamra is just worried about Vicki. Actually Tamra was worried about camera time and Brooks wasn't cool enough for her to hang around so she ditched frumpy Vicki for hottie Gretch and classy, rich Heather. Except to Heather's credit she likes Vicki and isn't a total biatch of a bad friend. For that I salute her. 

Gretchen is shaking in her sandals. Gretchen sees the writing on the wall and it spells out "NAKED WASTED". She calls Slave to complain that Vicki is working her victim act on the innocent Tammy Sue by pretending she broke up with Brooks so Tamra will be her friend again. In the limo Tamra reveals she wants to be friends with Vicki again and Gretchen immediately starts ensnaring her in a plastic Gretchen Christine Handbag about how Vicki is a liar and be careful and yada, yada, yada… 

Do these people seriously believe TAMRA can't defend herself? AS IF! Gretchen is like a Monet; from far away she looks all pretty and nice but up close she's all horse laughs, bad drag makeup, and shady bitchery. Guess that's hows he landed herself a Slave! If girl doesn't watch it she's gonna find herself stuck with Lex again. 


Jumping For Jesus! 

And let's check in with Alexis Bellino, shall we. Alexis, wearing her daughter's skirt, is headed to ballroom dancing classes with Chinplant. She's also got different colored nail polish on each foot and each hand. It was distractingly ugly. Way back in the day before he was a pyramid schemer chasing his next get rich quick business, Jim was a ballroom dancer who used to do the "lamabada." How cute. Alexis has always dreamed of taking dancing lessons and so here they are; she moving robotically around the floor like a wooden plank with vacant eyes and a blonde bob askew on her Jesus-ordained nose job, and Jim remembering the good ol' years of the quick, quick, slow-in-and-out. And now they are happier, more in love, and stronger than ever!

Alexis shares that last season Jim went through some serious financial disaster and they lost a lot of money, a home or two, and one massive engagement ring temporarily pawned and replaced with a rhinestone number from Pinot Singer's Truth Faith collection. Well now everything's diamonds cause they've just opened a trampoline park! The sky's the limit! Demonstrating this, is Alexis, who will serve as the mascot. I hope her boobs don't fly out of her shirt while bouncing. Jesus wouldn't approve. 

Alexis proves to us that Fox5 never fired her like that lying liar lie-face Gretchen puppeted by Tamra said, because Fox5 shows up to do a feature on the trampoline park where Alexis gets bonked in the head with a dodge ball. Call Dr. Niccole quick – some sense might have been knocked into her! Anyway, the Bellinos are happy. They share dreams, rhinestone flip flops, a macarena or two and the love of the lord. Too bad they only have each other because the rest of the cast can't stand them!

And from one shyster to another we check in with Slave at his radio show. Slave is doing this idiotic 'I think I'm funny' monologue about how Vicki got plastic surgery and she still looks bad and everyone still hates her. Oh he's so classy and attractive. Slave has no life, no identity, and no attention without this show so it comes as no surprise that there he is on his little radio doo-hicky talking about RHOC. And we are NOT listening. At all. 

Gretchen shows up in sequins doing that annoying horse laugh and telling us Slave is the highest rated show on a network no one listens to. His poor co-host at least has the decency to look ashamed. NEXT!


Don't Get Your Plastic Surgery On My Baby! 

Over at Vicki's she is terrorizing Briana and her grandson. Vicki keeps glitterbombing him. She's also undergoing massive home renovations because out with the Donn, in with the Brooks! Briana is annoyed because she's living there and her mom is spraying dust and drywall particles all over her infant while smearing lipgloss on his face with too many kisses. Vicki loves to smother! I would tell Briana to move out but I understand her hubby was getting deployed and they are saving money to buy a house of their own. Plus Vicki could annoy the pants off any person. 


Still No Date? But I'll Vacuum Every Day… 

Oh, what else happened. OH! We learned Eddie, coming to the end of his Bravo contract, is dragging his feet something zombie about setting a date to walk down the aisle with Tammy Two-Faced. Hey wouldn't you? Tamra has the class of Little Debbie Zebra Cake, but she's not nearly as delicious! Although she is as toxic as the processed sugar, food-coloring, stomach ache inducing high fructose corn syrup fakeness of it all. 

No, Eddie doesn't want to perma shack-up with Zebra Cakes, who is gloating all over the OC that she's his 1% boss while living in his house with her three kids and one dog. Doing some painting project in the kitchen, Tamra reveals she is "working on her relationship" with Vicki. Eddie, who has most definitely been drinking Eau de Slave (roofied jungle juice), parrots exactly what Gretchen was telling ol' handbags hauler on the phone at Heather's; that Vicki is a two-faced, victim-playing monster oozing plastic surgery juices, lies, and attention whoring schemes to make Tamra sink into her evil lair of malicious intent. Is Eddie talking about… Tamra? 

Who exactly is this dastardly, deceitful, manically calculating Vicki they all seem to know that I've never noticed? This is like a Lifetime Movie where Vicki has deceived everyone in her community but some people have noticed and they have to convince everyone before it's too late!

Yes, Vicki is capital-A annoying, but she's also sort of an emotional hot mess of irrational decisions and epic meltdowns. She doesn't seem scheming to me. Eddie also is bothered because he thinks Vicki lying about Brooks and using that to get into Tamra's good graces – as if she has any! 

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