Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: See No Evil, Hear No Evil… Not On Housewives!


Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Orange County was a kaleidoscope of crazy. It had so much going on I didn't know where to look. We had Vicki Gunvalson and Brooks Ayers drama, Alexis Bellino's psychiatric breakdown (break through?) in the parking lot and Lydia McLaughlin showing that her true colors are bold, straight forward and every bit as Rainbow Brite as we could imagine. CHEEEESE! This girl will not do well here. Wait til she tells Tamra Barney the truth. Off with her head! 

Immediately we are transported to a deep underground tunnel of despair where Tamra is sitting at the head of the table deliberating over can stay and who can go. Lucky Alexis was plucked from group and exiled. Her angel wings spread and her golden halo glowed as she floated above the riff-raff into the parking lot. Gretchen Rossi clapped with glee as if the heathens were being eaten by lions in the Colosseum.

Lydia scampered after her; jumping on Starlite and flying towards the Tunnel of Light. Don't let them rob you of a colorful world! I would have taken off my shoes, hitched up my maxi dress, and ran screaming from that den of horrors up the delivery van loading dock and right into the limo to start guzzling champagne from the bottle. 


Meanwhile Vicki stays to express her shock and dismay at what's happening. Tamra starts shrieking and screaming at her to get the eff out too and choose sides. Good for you – Tamra you can throw tantrums like a 3-year-old, only with expletives! Gretchen continued to clap. Gretchen needs to get a hobby. 

Tamra insists she was being "more than gracious" to Alexis. Which is a complete rant of a delusional woman. And in the parking lot, Alexis is on the bullying soapbox whining to Lydia. Lydia doesn't think Alexis was bullied. Alexis defines bullying as people "badgering you until you're going crazy." I don't think Alexis was bullied, per se but do I feel she is unfairly maligned and attacked by some very vitriolic and vicious women? Yes! 

I have to hand it to Vicki – I'm actually proud of her – she really handled the entire scenario with dignity and was pretty graceful in the face of horrendous behavior. And she also stood up for AlexisI'm was also impressed with Heather Dubrow for one moment. She pointed out, without screaming or resorting to bitchiness, that Tamra was in the wrong, treated Vicki rudely and was acting like a deranged she-beast. 

Tamra starts screaming at her about how Heather can't take Vicki's side and she clearly has no idea what she is talking about. She threatens to throw Heather out too. Heather tries to suppress a laugh. 

And then we have Gretchen… Gretchen is giggling maliciously the whole time. Is the spackle makeup to hide her snakey scales? In a desperate attempt to suck-up she tries to tell Tamra that Vicki is ruining her night and Tamra should be mad at her. Gretchen is so sad. Heather rolls her eyes. "Gretchen is just stupid," recounts Vicki and her eyelashes. 


Lydia goes back inside to pry Vicki from the Star Stealers and their terroristic attacks. Back in the limo, Alexis is sobbing about how she needs xanax and has been working with a therapist to overcome the horrors of Costa Rica. They email daily. Unable to be away from camera time, Tamra scurries outside and loiters like a SWF stalker beside the limo, just out of view, manically clutching her wineglass and smirking. I've seen this same exact scene on far too many Lifetime Movies. Tamra, her parking lot smirk, and this pack of wild heathens haunt my nightmares!

Tamra finally scuttles out of the shadows like Bitch the Reaper to confront Alexis. Tamra tells Lex if she's that pathetic she shouldn't have rejoined the show. And Alexis just wishes Tamra would seek mental help and grow as a person, like she did. I wish that too, but let's be frank – it ain't never gonna happen. Tamra tells Alexis to go home where she's also bullied there. That's so low, Tamra. So low. 


Lydia and Vicki bravely go reclaim their purses and officially flee but not before Tamra tries to start crap with Vicki by insisting she's a loser, a bad person, and totally stupid in everyway for not being like Gretchen and blindly taking Tamra's side out of fear. I love how Tamra was pulling out all the manipulative stops to intimidate Vicki and she was just like, 'Keep trying, you pathetic wench.' Vicki speaks for all of us and basically says she's tired of the word "bully" being the catchphrase of the group.

Tamra spills the details of her eavesdropping and misconstrues Lydia's comments about bullying as Lydia "standing up" for them. All of the sudden Gretchen is like I LOVE her! She is such a cool chick! Just like me! And maybe I can convince her to get a ton of bad plastic surgery and plaster on some Gretchen Christine Bootay and then I'll really like her. 

Tamra dishes that Alexis is on Xanax and everyone laughs. Heather doesn't think Alexis' "rich girl problems" need to be medicated. I thought Heather's main problem with Alexis was that she's not rich but tries to act like she is. CZ ring-gate anyone? As for people of the OC that need to be medicated, Heather, take a look at the woman opening up the gym. 'CUT you to the core cause I'm a big ol' psychotic bitch' fitness! Humiliations cost extra. 

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Back at home, Vicki fills Briana in on all the drama at the gym. Briana has a new ring and in the process of gushing over how beautiful they are Vicki reveals that she bought BOTH of her wedding rings! Oh girl… this explains so much about how Vicki is with Brooks

Over at Gretchen's, she's packing up to fly to NYC and support Slade during his son's latest operation. Gretchen says that dealing with Grayson's health has put things in perspective for her and the stupid fights between Housewives seem so "insignificant." If Gretchen feels all these arguments are "insignificant" she should stop participating in them – let alone instigating them!

Tamra and Eddie go out to dinner to discuss their impending wedding. Tamra says Mexican restaurants bring out Eddie's "inner beaner." Nice racial slur. She's so classy! Tamra recounts the gym opening and still mysteriously believes she was nothing but kind from the get-go to Alexis

Eddie wants to talk good stuff. And among the "good" stuff he wants to discuss is postponing their wedding because he has no time to plan a wedding. He wants to "put it off", in fact, for the time being. Tamra is not happy about this. Interesting… Interesting, interesting! 

Over at Vicki's her whole family is in town to meet Troy and check in on the Brooks debacle. It's a whole room full of Vickis, the neurosis are flying and everyone is frantically over-talking each other. I need some of Alexis' xanax. I think Vicki's mom also went to Dr. Niccole for a facial revamping. She recently got arrested over road rage and keying someone's motorcycle. Tamra in 30 years. Vicki reveals that no one likes Brooks, but her brother Billy supports her and wants her to be happy.

Ryan and Briana on the other hand, want nothing to do with BrooksVicki's happiness or no. Ryan, as it turns out has installed high-tech security cameras around Vicki's house so he can keep tabs. And then he reveals to Vicki's brother that when they were all in Mexico, Brooks tried to solicit a prostitute! Did he pay them with Vicki's money and leave the tip in a Hallmark card? Or he probably tried to pay him with affirmations. 

Ryan and Briana just want Vicki to be with someone decent with good morals and values. Everyone still has dreams of Donn's return; Vicki's parents, her kids, her siblings, US! Vicki is conflicted because she is happy with Brooks. I find it very hard to believe that anyone can be happy with those false lashes stapled to their eyelids. 


Lydia pays a visit to Alexis to check in with her and make sure she hasn't overdosed on Xanax, white wine spritzers, and old episodes of Golden Girls. Let's discuss what Alexis is wearing. Crafts By Crazies? Clearly her psychiatric intervention is not working. Maybe in her embracing of the positive, she's decided to become a fortune teller. I hope this is not an extension of Alexis HoTure! Perhaps it was a special sort of bedazzled brainwrap Jim makes her wear so he can brainwash her while he's at Trampboobily World?

Lydia gives Alexis some tips for handling the mean girls and reiterates that she does not feel Alexis was bullied. She does not feel Alexis is weak but she is giving them too much power over her. I agree! Lydia encourages Alexis to embrace the teachings of the Bible and practice forgiveness. Alexis says she's already done enough of that Jesus-y stuff and since Tamra is the ultimate devil so she's like over it. She's going to start buying crystals instead. 

So RHOC has caused Alexis to abandon the bible's teaching of forgiveness, wear stupid headbands, and go on Xanax? She's gone to the darkside! She's gone Satan. And turned into… Tamra? Perhaps Alexis should just return to hard boiling Jim's eggs and trampolining. 

Lydia believes Alexis should not have gone to Tamra's and should stop trying to keep tit-for-tat score. She suggests Alexis have a sit-down with Heather and try to work things out because Heather seems like the lesser of all the evils. Aaahh… Lydia, you cute little novice. I gotta say I really like her at this point. She is honest and does not let anyone tell her what to think! Maybe she really does have the G.O.D. on her side. 

Heather shares the parenting dramas of dealing with her two-year-old daughter Colette, who is having difficulty expressing herself so she resorts to screaming a lot. Colette has the same language capabilities and vocabulary as Tamra. Shreeeeik, Screeeeam, WAAAAAAH, MAAAAH, BAAAAAH. AAAAAACK. 


Vicki goes out to lunch with her son Michael and her brother, Billy. Apparently Vicki has no idea where Mike lives, which I don't believe for a moment. #producerintervention 

Oh Vicki, the original helicopter mom. And sadly, as someone pointed out on twitter, now her kids are helicoptering her! Karma. Briana and Ryan are basically making rules for Vicki like she's 16. It's hilarious. You know what though, Vicki's kids clearly love her very much and she's close to both of them. 

Mike could care less about Brooks and keeps it very surface; they talk football and nothing else. Vicki doesn't observe those same boundaries and immediately wonders if Mike has protected sex to prevent unwanted pregnancy. Oh Vicki…

Billy brings up Ryan's aggressive "anti-Brooks" stance, and reminds Vicki it's her house even if they pay her $1000 a month in rent. I kinda agree. Look, I get it they don't like Brooks and he's definitely creepster shady, but Vicki will figure it out on her own. Vicki feels very conflicted as it is her home and she should be able to do what she wants, but she doesn't want to create conflict with her daughter. 

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