Last night the ladies of Real Housewives of Orange County struggled with the past as several of them explored troubled relationships.
Things begin with Heather Dubrow strolling into Tamra Barney's hovel, running her finger over a dusty faux finished surface and chirping "This is… nice!" Afterwards she took several showers in Lysol and asked her assistant to burn all the Chanel that sat on the Pier One Imports clearance chairs. 'It was horrible,' she bemoaned to her therapist later that week… 'The napkins… they were POLYESTER!'
Anyway, Heather is there to discuss the Terry issue. See Terry … well, he just sucks but Heather guesses she'll forgive him. Something about seeing Tamra's little house in a subdivision, filled with sub-par finishings, and a pantry that only one person can fit in at a time made Heather see the light. Yes, yes… Terry may be annoying and corny, but good lord she's not on her third marriage to a third wealthy imposter. Looking on the bright side!
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Speaking of bright sides, Lydia McLaughlin and Alexis Bellino are meeting for some cammo-meal (is that how you pronounce that?!) tea, one banana, and some instructional prayer on dealing with bullies. Alexis settles in for her one meal of the day, Lydia shows up and orders milk with a dash of coffee (WTF was that) and then tells Alexis she needs to be the bigger person, forgive and forget, and move on. Alexis rolls her eyes, plops her iPad down on the table to show Lydia a few clips of the last couple seasons and says, 'Bitch I have done tried. It's time for Trampra to step down from the Jerry Springer stage and beg.'
Lydia remains unconvinced. I have to say for all the annoying things about Plastilexis, she certain has given forth the effort with ol' Tammie. And Tamra wonders why no one likes her? More on that later…
So apparently Brooks has relocated to the OC. What about them kiddos he's got? And that job he seemingly doesn't have? I guess Brooks' new occupation is wooing Vicki Gunvalson to stay on TeeVee – even if he has to up and uproot with no personal belongings (creepcity!) and switch from affirmations to ultimatums! Oh Vicki… cut the credit line!
In addition to his new digs, which are basically Motel 6 caliber in Orange County (wonder how much rent that runs Vickster), Brooks is rocking a Just For Men dyejob and a Donald Trump Hair Club For Men comb-over. How is it possible that Brooks without affirmations and a Hallmark subscription is even CREEPIER?!?!
Brooks is attempting to manipulate Vicki about choosing him over Briana and mercifully Vicki's accountant called her with suspicious activity in her account and she is starting to see the light. Slowly. It's a dim, nightlight watt bulb but it's a glimmer. Brooks tries to say he's gonna whisk Vicki away for a romantical weekend of tangling with his new golden auburn locks but Vicki is babysitting Troy instead. Brooks sulks and says he's busy the rest of the month.
And continuing with the creep factor, Gretchen Rossi is visiting her fertility doctor to see if her ovaries are ready for babymaking. Gretchen hops up on the exam table and learns she's going to have to get a vaginal ultrasound to determine if all her parts work… hopefully the silicone hasn't gone into her ovaries.
Gretchen is whining about the ultrasound stick having to go down there. I don't know why Gretchen is pretending she can't handle a wand up her "hoo ha"? We've seen the pics…Apparently all her reproductive parts are "lush" but Slave's 300 year old vasectomy is cramping their style and they'll be forced to undergo IVF.
Gretchen cries in the interview booth about how she wants to give Slave the gift of a child. I don't know why no one popped up to remind her that he's been given that gift a couple times… Does she want a baby or an IVF storyline/spinoff? I'm going with the latter. Good luck with that.
So in the strangest thing in the history of Housewives, Tamra announces she wants to inspire women to be independent so she's speaking at a women's expo to tell her story of why she's such a biatch. In preparation for public speaking she's meeting with a "communication expert" to get tips for addressing the masses. I think Tamra may be beyond help unless she gets a lobotomy or a personality transplant!
Getting away from Brooks, Vicki is playing NaNa this weekend while Briana and Ryan go to the military ball. Vicki gets to babysit and she's so excited. No matter what anyone wants to say about Vicki, she's obviously a good mother who loves and adores her kids.
She's super supportive of Briana and Ryan having a night out especially since they've learned of Ryan's deployment date and that he will be missing so much time from his son. Really sad. Vicki tells us she and Ryan haven't always seen eye-to-eye but she loves him and accepts him because he loves Briana and is her husband. That was nice.
Alexis heads over to Jim's Jumping Jamboree for Jesus to bounce her way to heaven in some new tampboobily workout class. She's strapped her Jesus Jugs down with two bras but I'm still worried that her boobs might burst out!
Terry and Heather go out to dinner so he can continue groveling for her love and forgiveness. Heather complains that she felt Terry was "jealous" of all the attention she was getting from Hot In Cleveland. I think that comment was meant to be directed at Gretchen, but Terry wisely let it go and just handed her a Hallmark card. I guess he's learned a trick or two from Brooks of yore. Do we think Hallmark is endorsing this show?
Heather's heart is won and she says some things are more important than jewelry – like knowing you've won both the battle and the war. And Terry no longer has to sleep in the master bedroom anymore and can rejoin Heather in the cryogenic freezer.
Lydia is still wrestling with Mommy Highest's decision to smoke pot. Hubby Doug comes home for lunch where Lydia tells us she doesn't make dinner, she makes reservations! Cue canned laughter. I did not laugh. So they eat some reheated Campbells and she complains about the childhood that never was. I mean she was raised by wolves (right Bethenny!) because her mom was too busy hanging out with them doing fun things instead of teaching her how to run the vacuum. That poor child…
Doug reminds her that not only does Mommy Highest love Lydia dearly, but that she is an awesome grandma who enjoys some leisurely pot smoking. Later Lydia's childhood traumas continue to haunt her as her mom comes over to make lasagna and hear Lydia lambaste her some more.
Lydia can't cook – she's in her thirties but she blames her father's career and her mom's weed smoking for that. And then she whines about her mom's pot smoking some more. I tuned out and focused on Lydia's I Dream Of Jeanie hair. Uhhh… what was that? This storyline has run it's course. I think Lydia needs counseling. Maybe she should hit up the Women's Expo to hear Tamra's speech!
So Tammie gets on stage in a dress that says over-the-hill cougar or what reformed strippers wear when they want to look classy. It's too tight, it's got a boob keyhole, and it's bright red. Helloooo Vegas! Anyway, she hops up on stage like she just won an award, take the mic and regales us with childhood traumas of how her parents never told her they loved her which made her promiscuous and angry. Her mom is in the audience to support her.
Apparently Tamra has low self-esteem and no one likes her because she's mean. That was illuminating. #sarcasm "I hid behind my humor and my sarcasm, like I do today, because I don't know if I'm accepted. I… I… I don't know if I'm liked," Tamra shared.
Tamra walks us through getting pregnant at 17, getting divorced at 21, attempting suicide and ending up in a mental hospital, and then how horrible her twenties were until she married Simon out of desperation and remained a woman always cared for by men. Then she finally left Simon and discovered self-empowerment. Unfortunately she's still mean! And no one likes her because her behavior has not changed!
"Strong is the new skinny," Tamra advises. Apparently bitchy is the new therapy, too.
You know, I hope Tamra was sincere. I think it took courage to reveal these things. I hope she IS working through her issues and wants to turn over a new leaf to get her anger under control and stop trying to be liked for being a bitch. Terrorizing people to make yourself feel powerful is pathetic to say the least and she definitely needs to step up get a hold of it.
Her story was sad and it does sound like she had a rough childhood, but still… she's in her mid-forties, she's a mother, she's got a career and a new marriage ahead of her so let it go, move on, and try to be a better, happier person. I'll remain hopeful.
It sounds like Bethenny's therapist needs a new TV gig – maybe he's available…
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – SHOULD ALEXIS GIVE TAMRA ANOTHER CHANCE? WAS TAMRA SINCERE ABOUT WANTING TO LET GO OF HER ANGER?