Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Cheeseburger

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Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County maturity was out in full force! Lydia McLaughlin attempted to throw a drama-free salsa dancing party which brought out as much cattiness in the ladies as penises in paradise did! Can Gretchen Rossi get along with anyone? #RhetoricalQuestion

​Things begin with Heather Dubrow being ridiculous. Apparently Heather just cannot possibly attend Lydia's salsa party if Alexis Bellino is there given that Alexis is like soooo fake and phony and faux and everything horrible. Lydia encourages Heather to try and make amends with Alexis and call her so they can put their differences aside. Lydia calls herself the "Friendship Whisperer." If this woman starts teaching classes and writing how-to books about training people to curb their aggression using treats I think I might explode. 

After much twisting of the Chanel pearls ('cause costume jewelry is only acceptable if it's Chanel) Heather concedes she will be the bigger person and call Alexis. Lydia lets out a squee. 


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Vicki Gunvalson and Tamra Barney are all BFF again after a Mexican penis bonanza. Bonding By Bravo! Vicki shows up at the Wines By Wives office with their new wines and they sit down to girl talk and sample. I want that job. Tamra is starting to realize that Gretchen is like super-duper annoying, and not only that she's kinda demanding and super self-absorbed? What gave Tamra that impression? Was it the 24/7 pageant hair or the perma-airbrushed makeup? Or possibly that fake guffaw. 

Tamra is not impressed that Gretchen attempted to dominate Mexico with high-strung antics. Vicki dismisses Gretchen as dirt under her fingernails. Or a hairbrush – something else she couldn't care less about! 

Tamra questions Vicki about Brooks. Vicki admits they are sort of off and on at the moment and she's just been basically deciphering all the cards and special e-greetings he sends her way to try and figure it out. Here Vicki – lemme break it down: when he senses that you are getting tired of him he lays on the charm extra crispy fried thick to reel you back in, then when you start getting all clingy and let's be a couple he's suddenly issuing ultimatums and pulling back. Brooksy wants his deep-fried catfish and he wants the side of hush puppies too. 

Heather and Alexis get together for coffee and both ladies have donned their couture for the occasion. Only one of them was in ALEXIS COUTURE however! 

I don't know why these women can't avoid yelling at each other in public, but they can't. How's that for manners and classiness, Heather? Heather goes on and on about her desire to reach a place of civility with Alexis, but then proceeds to blame Alexis for all the problems in their situation and take zero accountability for her own actions. 

When Alexis points out that there are things she doesn't like about Heather; like for instance that she is condescending and twaty, Heather gets all defensive – annnnd… condescending and twaty! Heather doesn't seem to realize that her poo doesn't smell like Chanel No. 5 any more than the next OC girl's does! 

After much back and forth (and being asked by the cafe to leave), they both agree they can act like adults and be civil at functions. Victory in small things!

Over at Gretchen's she proves big hair is in her genetics cause her mommy is there to discuss Gretchen's relationship with Slade. Gretchen says they're ready to make babies together and wants her mom's approval. Gretchen's mom considers it for a second, grimaces visibly, and then because the producers forced her to, admits that Slave has really proven himself over time. We all laugh hysterically because the only thing loser has proven is that he's a Grade A douchebag. 

Gretchen claps because now she can expand her GCB empire to include infant body shimmer and bedazzled burp cloths! Squeeee! 

Then Gretchen yammers on about what Lauri Peterson told her about Vicki's "indiscrepancies". #GetADictionary.  Gretchen's mom is guzzling wine straight from the bottle and begging Jesus to forgive her at this point since Gretchen expects congratulations for being the bigger person and not blowing the lid off Vicki's past. She says that Slade's son's illness has made her realize drama is "insignificant." Gretchen has been pitching us this storyline all season, but here's the thing – her botoxed ass has been causing more whiny drama than anyone! Gretchen is more full of it than her hair is full of hairspray. 

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Briana's husband is deploying and it is their final night as a family. Vicki has seen the light and realized why they eloped – and it had nothing to do with spiting her. Imagine… She loves Ryan like a son now and worries about his safety. Despite Ryan moving to a base far from their house as he prepares to leave for Afghanistan, Brooks is still not permitted in the home since Briana and Troy are still living there. Ryan reminds Vicki that he can monitor the security system from anywhere. 

Lydia is planning her salsa party, which means overseeing the caters and hiring a good party planner. It's a trick she learned from Heather Dubrow's Guide To Structured Entertainment. There's a whole section about schooling your guests on appropriate behavior and doling out punishments if protocol is broken. #NoOnionRingsForYou. There is also a chapter dedicated to staging a dramavention about fakeness whilst vacationing in a foreign country so that the person's only viable means of escape is to seek asylum in the Embassy. Or drown themselves in margaritas until they can no longer hear the scratchy sound of your voice… 

Lydia wants everyone to come in costume and be prepared to shake their bootys. Not stripper style however, so she's hired legit salsa instructors for the occasion. Heather and Terry ride with Gretchen, her side bouffant, and Slave, looking all the slimy than usual in his attempts to appear debonair. 

In the limo, for some reason everyone wants to know if Brooks is attending. He's not. Because Vicki and Brooks are currently not together according to the "affirmation of the day" calendar. Terry decides he should surprise Vicki by calling Brooks and inviting him to the event. Apparently Dr. Look Good and Dr. Feel Good If It Benefits Me are friends. Heather approves of him and even admits to a dubious looking Gretchen that she likes Brooks. Gretchen double checks that her Gretchen Christine Cootie Spray is in her purse. 

Vicki is headed to the event with Alexis, who thought Salsa costume meant Disney Princess on Ice. I guess it's better than Heather's attempt which was more Barbie Stewardess than costume of any kind. I'm guessing she hid all her hand sanitizer wipes under the shoulder epaulet thingies. Proving they were sincere in their makeup session, Heather and Alexis greet hello with no incidents or injuries. Gretchen ignores her… 

Also appearing is Lauri who has been invited by Tamra. However now that Tamra and Vicki are friends again, Lauri serves no purpose and Tamra is frantically texting her to keep the drama at a simmer. 

Terry, who hasn't met Lauri, questions Slade about how they know each other. Slave goes into detail about how they were essentially 'friends with benefits' who didn't date outside the bedroom, if you get my drift. He also provides detail about Lauri's sexcapades score and rates Gretchen as off the charts. Terry was egging him on which I'm sure is going to get him a serious mouth washing out from Heather after she views the show. Slave is soooo classy. I'm sure his sex score is on par with his bank account balance: 0. 

Things start off on the right foot (see what I did there), but then the food comes out. At the sight of Lydia eating chips and guac much, MUCH discussion is had over her thinness. Lauri, who has never met Lydia, keeps making comments about how lucky she is to be able to pig out and keeps insisting she'll bloat out like some sort of famine child if she consumes a carb. Nice. Then Slave whispers to Gretchen that he is going to nickname Lydia "cheeseburger" cause she needs to eat a few. Annnnnd unfortunately despite crunching on chips, Lydia has bionic hearing and heard exactly what Slave said! Oops. 

To her credit, Lydia doesn't hesitate to directly call him out on talking about her behind her back, whilst she was in hearing distance. 'Haven't you read Heather's book,' she hisses, glowering into her guac. Slave tries to deny that he was talking about Lydia behind her back, cause naturally he wanted her to hear it since he whispered. Gretchen is, of course, defending him and talking loudly about how Lydia misinterpreted his comments – I mean Slave would tell her if she was fat too, right! I mean we all remember what he said about Tamra and Vicki

Lydia does not back down and then eventually decides Slave is not worth her time. She lets us know she sometimes really likes Gretchen, but there's a lot of things about her that raise red flags. Like Slave. And Mexican strippers.

Tamra and Eddie arrive last and they went all Dancing With The Stars. I think Tamra even managed to snag herself an authentic costume, which she should have left to Petra. It wasn't exactly what I would call flattering. 

Then Brooks shows up right when Tamra and Vicki are talking. Good lord his wardrobe is so tacky! He has some grocery store flowers with him and although Vicki seems genuinely surprised to see him we all know the producers schemed to have him show up. Tamra looks like she ate some rancid penis pop at the sight of him. She is then forced to have a conversation with Cooties about the fight they had last season and misinterpreting her mouth. Brooks, pretending he hasn't watched all the back episodes of RHOC, 

Bored with Cheeseburger-gate Lauri sidles over to Tamra to discuss Brooks. Apparently one of Lauri's esteemed children has a good friend who is a hooker or something and also the much-younger girlfriend on the side to Brooks. They're both living off Vicki's money?

It's creepy stalkerish how involved in Vicki's life Lauri is. #ObsessionByBravo I mean it's a bit Lifetime movie with a side of SWF. Does she keep an Excel spreadsheet of all Vicki's alleged extramarital hookups for quick reference? Tamra is disgusted to learn the latest about Brooks, although not surprised. 

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Then finally they all salsa. There's that awkward 5 seconds when Tamra finds herself partnered with Brooks and it's like the bottle landing on the gross dude in spin the bottle. 

More drama unfolds over the cheeseburger comment. Lydia reminds Slade that sometimes the things he says can seriously offend people. Like maybe, possibly, perhaps Vicki got a nose job after he called her Miss Piggy. Slave, proving that he needs $10 for the douchebag jar, blames THE INTERNET. 

Lydia fixes her Bratz doll rainbow sparkle eyes on Slave and zeros in with "I see who you are." Cue Gretchen getting all her in face calling her judgmental and again claiming Lydia doesn't know the back story. I cannot stand when Gretchen does this – all this constantly insisting we don't know the real amazing Slave. And that everyone is wrong about him. 

It's also obvious that she's not really over what Tamra did/said to her all those years and is projecting and blaming Vicki. As annoying as Vicki is, she wasn't the one trying to destroy Gretchen – that was Tamra! Yet Gretchen forgives her after being given some cheap Lia Sophia friendship bracelet. 

Lydia is done with the situation – and suggests Slave pay more attention to Malibu Beach Barbie and the hair chemicals that have depleted her ability to reason. 

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Across the party Tamra is making good on her promise to be nice to Alexis by inviting her wedding dress shopping with the rest of the group. Alexis is excited to finally be included in something without it being a secret plot to feature her as the punching bag. Poor girl – so desperate. But sweet. And look at ol' Tammie Sue being decent for a change. But sadly, no good deed goes unpunished… 

Because hot on her heels is a deranged former pageant Barbie with a serious vendetta! Yep, Gretchen immediately accosts Tamra to give her a Heather about how she won't be going dress shopping if Alexis is there since there not even really friends. Unless of course Tamra secretly gave her a bracelet too! Gasp! I mean isn't this how it all started with her… 

Instead of Tamra begging Gretchen to come and bring her penis straws, Tamra pretty much rolls her eyes and reminds Gretchen that it's her wedding Bravo is paying for – not Gretchen's. Perhaps if she wouldn't have shacked up with a deadbeat Bravo would want to film her wedding dress shopping too. And Alexis' invite stands. 

Harsh. Harsh like hair bleach or bad perms. And just like that Gretchen is yesterday's BFF. 

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