Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Frost Bitchen


Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County the battle in the blizzard continued. Vicki Gunvalson tried her darndest to ice out Lauri Peterson after she accused her of threesomes and cheating, but Lauri refused to be silenced. Until Vicki said she'd be her friend again; then Lauri perked up like someone handed her a latte and an AmEx.

Could it be that she thinks Vicki accepting her is her gateway drug back onto RHOC? Let's hope not unless she gets that wonky lip fixed. One would think Lauri froze her face to a -28 degree ice wall instead of Tamra Barney

Things begin with Tamra, Vicki, and their eye makeup meeting for a pre-dinner pow-wow. Vicki is still reeling from her confrontation on the slopes and it obviously clouded her judgment because she was wearing an adults Muppet costume with furry sleeves. She boasted that they're removable, which is a good thing cause she can take them off for dinner so they don't dredge in her food. Fashion meet function, baby! 


Meanwhile, Alexis Bellino looks fantastic. Either something happened and she hired a stylist while abandoning Alexis Hoeture. OR perhaps she's starting to recognize that she's more believable if she doesn't wear hot pants and halter tops to church! Whatever the case, being out of drama agrees with her and she's working a very Alaia look lately. She meets up with Lydia McLaughlin for a pre-dinner drink and in waltzes Lauri to obsequiously beg for an entry into dinner. 

Lauri reminds us that she is angry with Vicki over an incriminating email about George that went viral. She wishes! So "viral" that no one saw nor heard about it ever until Lauri brought it up on the show. Allegedly Vicki was sending it all over the place instead of coming to Lauri with the very private accusations. Yawn. 

Lydia, who either loves conflict or fears it, immediately agrees Lauri should not be forced to get room service while crying about how the camera loves her and they shouldn't be apart. Vicki is so not ruining Lydia's party by dumping the drama element. So there they go to dinner. Gretchen Rossi arrives in a fur scarf that is pretty much eating her face, slowly sucking the airbrushed makeup away and leaving in its place a skull of plastic sparkly bits. Well it looked like her lipgloss was getting caught in that thing anyway. 

Over dinner, Tamra is whispering to Vicki and trying to counsel her on how to deal with the Lauri sighting. 'Just breathe' says the newly zen and therapied Tamra. Vicki would rather punch Lauri in the eye with a soup spoon, but slaps on a smile and stomps in. Proving she's always looking to stir up trouble, Tamra immediately mentions Vicki's sex life and wonders if she's still doing the "chitty-chitty-bang-bang" with ol' Brooks. 'He's such a great guy,' defends Alexis. "Too good to be true," Lauri chimes in wryly. And so it begins. 

Vicki stands up, eyes glowing red, and like all my Disney Evil Queen fantasies come to life bellows "QUIET! You classless hussy! I am the fairest one of all and I rule this here kingdom of Housewives. Now silence yourself pathetic liar!' An argument ensues about how Lauri got to accusing Vicki of cheating and the like. She was just defending her dear, dear friend Gretchen who was fed up with being labeled a cheater by that hypocrite Vicki.

Except according to Vicki the word is "ironic" not "hypocritical" cause it was ironic that she and Gretchen were both cheating while denying it. Gretchen, trying to re-write history, insists it's hypocritical because Vicki was accusing Gretchen of doing something she herself was doing. So funny hearing Gretchen try to have a discussion about semantics because in the very next scene she complains that Vicki is crazy and trying to "personify onto her". Project, Gretch. The word is project. 

The word is also "indiscretions" NOT indiscrepancies! Please get a dictionary cause there is nothing more ironic than trying to sound smartypants when you can't even use the correct vocab word. 

Gretchen chooses this time to argue with Vicki about whether or not she started calling her a cheater or a gold digger. Vicki is exasperated because who can be expected to remember five seasons back. Cue Bravo rolling tape that features Tamra shrieking "Hold onto your daddies, girls! Here comes Gretchen!" while Vicki and Lauri both cackle hysterically. 

Vicki doesn't want to talk about this crap again; it's "regurgitating throw up" and who wants throw up in their mouth. "Regurgitating throw-up" pretty much describes every Housewives show, ever! Same arguments, over and over again! Besides Tamra is the one who accused Gretchen of cheating and gold digging. 


Gretchen recites that she and Tamra have worked things out so that argument is moot. Vicki throws her fur wrists into the air and decides she's done with this. No amount of pricey Filet Mignon is worth this. Besides it's all tasting like regurgitated throw up at this point, so she's out. Ahhh Vicki, if you can't control it, it didn't happen!

Meanwhile Tamra and Gretchen have one of their weekly chats about defining their friendship. Tamra is pissed that Gretchen tried to ruin bridal shopping with Alexis nonsense. And lies. 

There's some arguing about the Malibu Country role and why Gretchen lied or even if she did and who the hell even cares one whit. Not I. I was distracted by Gretchen's lipgloss the entire time. Tamra complains that once a liar, always a liar concerning Gretchy and she is not surprised that Gretchen's trouble with the truth has reared its ugly head. And Gretchen blames Vicki for coming between them. 

I'm thinking of starting a series of children's books with Housewives teaching lessons. Gretchen & The Trouble With The Truth. Teresa & The Trouble With Money. Kim Richards & The Trouble With Sisters. Krayonce & The Trouble With Sanity. Thoughts?

Tamra calls Heather Dubrow who insists she really doesn't care that Gretchen was offered a role. And she really doesn't care that Gretchen was lying. She just so happened upon the information and felt it was important to share it, even though she so doesn't really care. I mean right! 

The next day everyone goes snowmobiling and the tension is cold as ice. Lauri says she wants to be friends with Vicki again and hopes they can sit down and work things out. A collective laugh arose throughout Housewives Nation. 

They all get fitted for snow mobile outfits and Alexis charmingly refers to the helmet as "the hairsmasher". I cannot help it, but Alexis is growing on me. She seems more relaxed. She even used the word "ironic" correctly in a sentence. Hooked on Phonics is working for her! And so are those English as a Second Language classes at the Learning Annex. Go Plastilexis! Get into your groove. 

See Vicki was bragging about how she was some sort of snowmobiling expert growing up in the mid-west and all. No matter that last time she was on a snow mobile Like A Virgin was the no. 1 song in the country. #ancienthistory. Vicki wants to be in the front so she can go extra, special, super fast. Her real plan was to entice Lauri into following her and then be surprised when a terrible accident befell Lauri who happened to tumble off the mountain leaving behind only her million-dollar ring and her Black Card. Clearly I've watched too many Lifetime Movies. 

What happened instead was that for all her bragging, Vicki wiped out on the snow mobile first. Alexis correctly described the situation as "ironic" and the earth stopped for just one second, changed direction, and nearly had a conniption fit. 


So while the instructors are prying Vicki's frozen face out of the frozen ground, Tamra decides she needs some attention too and has to pee. Cue everyone hovering around her frozen crotch and holding coats up so no one sees her hoo-hah or Lydia's. Then the ladies launch into a snowball fight. Don't throw the yellow pee. Lauri so got a face-full of yellow pee. 

This was actually a super cute scene; my favorite. This is why I like OC. They can be so nasty but secretly they have fun together and the very next scene everyone is laughing, goofing off, and being silly. You can tell that for all their petty bickering they don't really hate each other. Someone makes snow boobs on someone else, I can't tell who since they all look the same in matching snow suits, but I think it was Vicki and Gretchen

With everybody's endorphins up Lauri approaches Vicki about talking through their issues after dinner, just the two of them. Vicki accepts and they were both nice (and normal!) about the whole thing. Lauri is elated. Privately Vicki tells us she really doesn't have anything to say to Lauri or care what she has to say cause she's filthy and disgusting, but at least she minded her Ps & Qs and didn't ruin the afternoon starting another fight. Old school Housewife moments!

They all head to their final dinner and Vicki forgot something called a shirt. Seriously she was nip-slipping the waiter and flashing everyone in sight with a backless, plunge halter. She was also rocking hair pieces from the Kim D Recycled Extension Collection. I get it she's eco-friendly and into saving money now, but those tracks are rough and look like they've been through the beauty school practice class. Vicki's hair is as big a mess as her life this season and she needs to smooth out the kinks and get things straightened out. A healthy first step was deciding against more plastic surgery and ditching Brooks for good

Anyhoodle, Vicki is flashing up a storm and didn't remember the pasties. Tamra keeps insisting Vicki is horny and trying to get some from every man in the North. Vicki gets annoyed, as Vicki always does when anyone says the word s-e-x and in lecturing Tamra and admitting she does like sex (so there!) she slams her champagne glass down and breaks it. Tamra chalks it up to sexual tension. I chalk it up to Vicki being insane and the cheap weave cutting off circulation to her brain. 

Also, looking wonky is Gretchen who is wearing a Jetsons on Ice costume. I am very confused by that thing, but I'm often confused by Gretchen's costuming. 


Then the ladies take a tour of the deep-freeze vodka chamber which is -28 degrees and features some special spicy vodka or something. They all mercifully cover themselves in giant arctic puffer coats. Their faces, already frozen solid, don't need protection. Gretchen says they all look like marshmallows, but cute marshmallows. They did. Lydia puts her big girl pasties on and does a shot, wrinkles her nose and then sputters and coughs like it's the first time she's ever ingested alcohol. Uh oh – Baby Alive is getting her booze on. Be warned… 

After getting liquored up, Vicki jokingly suggests they all see if their tongues stick to the ice wall. And Tamra actually tries it. And her tongue gets stuck and freezes to the side of the ice. Everyone booked it out of there, waving 'See ya later' leaving an immobile Tamra, mute and bailing on Crystal Ice Mountain. 

Ok, just kidding the vodka expert had to help her pry her face out of the ice and then get her medical attention. It was a National Lampoons moment if I've ever seen one. After Tamra is surgically removed from the vodka chamber (and unfortunately NOT rendered temporarily mute!) she calls Dr. Dubrow and his electric print cammo shirt for some advice. 


Seriously what was Terry wearing? Heather allows that? It was so distractingly ugly. Heather is all excited though cause she has a job now and is a working actress and could care less what Terry wears. Until the gigs dry up again and then it's no more fried food and deconstructed cammo print mocknecks for ol Territo! 

Tamra actually left some of her tongue on the wall in Canada and Heather worries if she ever commits a crime there her DNA is already on location. Terry calls her dumb and suggests a hot beverage. Then he sucks up to Heather hoping she'll put out for the first time in 10 years. Heather is sipping her post-working treat of sugar-free lemonade and strongly considering the possibility until she realizes Terry has his shoes on the bed and left crumbs in the sink…. No sex for you, doc!

Back in Canada all the ladies are euphoric about how the end of the trip is going. And they're all getting along wonderfully. Alexis makes an iPhone movie of the waiter making liquid nitrogen ice cream and tries to convince us she's an inner science geek. I think that means she likes magic tricks and like totally believes in fairies. 


Tamra and Alexis bond over being "slow learners" (no, I am not joking). Lydia reveals that Canada was a success and she got to learn about threesomes on the mountain and see Tamra freezer her face off. She has no desire to ever try any of those things, but other people's failures is good for amusement at the very least! 

Below is an "ugly face" slideshow of stills from last night's episode! You've been warned… 

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