Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Fifty Shades Of Shady


I'm just not sure what to think of Kenya Moore.

By that I mean, is she an evil genius or straight-up crazy? Kenya has orchestrated shade so elaborate it's like a 7-layer taco dip with extra cheese. It's deep and flavorful and frankly scary in its articulate complexity (Kenya IS Top Chef!). And there is no nacho chip to be left unturned.

Kenya has so many targets it's difficult to know if there's a safe-zone, but good lord is it crafty and thrilling to watch. If she is working at this alone, then I bow down to her as the true maestro of all Housewives. And if she's just full-scale nutty then NeNe Leakes better contact the authorities! 


The Real Housewives of Atlanta trip to Mexico is full-speed ahead. NeNe and Cynthia Bailey shop for bikinis and sip mimosas. I would need a drink before putting on a bathing suit on national television, but also before confronting NeNe about her behavior at The Bailey Bowl! NeNe puts on her crazy eyes, stares Cynthia down, and wonders what event Cynthia is referring to. NeNe was not there. And Marlo Hampton's name will never be spoken again. Apparently NeNe believes if she pretends it never happened, it didn't! Cynthia swallows her drink slowly and is like "Okaaaaaay." Cynthia should have asked the sales clerk if they sell BACKBONES because she needs to grow a spine!


Across town Marlo and Kenya have coordinating hair and outfits and are sipping on spiked tea. Marlo is soooo hurt that her friendship with NeNe blew up. <eye roll> She gently dabs a YSL false eyelash with a Hermes tissue, sniffles loudly into her Chanel hankie, and covers her delicate flower legs with a Cartier blankie of pure spun gold. "I really believed we were friends," she whisper cries to Kenya. Marlo reveals that NeNe iced her out when she realized she had a friendship with Kenya. "I didn't want to tell you," Marlo sniffles. Kenya and Marlo believe NeNe's behavior has been brought on by losing her job on The New Normal and suddenly being a nobody again. 


If all that drama isn't enough, Peter has to get his screentime by having a sit-down with the scorned ex-husband of Porsha Stewart. The ladies delicately sip their tea, flutter themselves with a Gucci fan, and complain about Kordell's mother-in-law. Porsha was overly involved in her family and her mom was hanging out in the master suite eating pepperoni pizza. Also, Porsha owed taxes on her condo so her name wasn't on the deed to the house. The Porsha and Kordell mess gets stranger and stranger… 

¡Y nos vamos a México!

Kenya arrives a day early with Miss Lawrence, who is dressed exactly like one of the Real Housewives of Orange County. Get your look Vicki G

Kenya decides to do goody-bags welcoming all the ladies, which include a 5×7 photo of her in various states of undress and sexy poses. For inspiration. She also wants to welcome the girls with a mariachi band – starring Lawrence. In like reverse drag as a mister. I'm confused. 

At the airport NeNe complains about everyone being late. Phaedra Parks missed the flight because she was bailing Apollo out couldn't find her passport. She doesn't want Apollo to come because the "Rently driving" unmarried Kenya "Whore-Moore" will be there throwing herself at him all ways to Sundays. 

NeNe announces she is gracing Kenya's trip with her presence because she "tries to be a team player." Which no, she doesn't. And I'll have drink from whatever cup of delusion she's sipping on.

Kandi Burruss points out that she's the only lady who hasn't had a serious issue with Kenya. Kandi is too busy – or she's the only one who could help Kenya further her career in the entertainment business. Kandi is very smart though and likely realizes how unwise it is to poke Miss United States of Krayonce, who is representing all 50 states of personality with zeal, aplomb, and diversity. Talent included! 

In the limo to the hotel, Peter tells Senorita Porsha (of the always laid baby hair) that he spoke to Kordell. While everyone played eyeball ping-pong in silence Porsha said she loved Kordell, but not the way he treated her and that's that. Or so we thought…


As the ladies arrive Kenya explains her strategy for the trip: "Mirror, mirror on the wall – who's the shadiest of them all?" She wants to do a Pillow Talk redux, but this time she'll be the one asking the questions and throwing the shade. "I love to kill a girl with kindness. And right about now that bitch is dead!" Kenya quotes from Phaedra's Southern Belle manual referring to NeNe.

True to form, Kenya greets the group, twirling, in nothing but a poncho and festoons the ladies with ponchos of their own. Porsha wonders why Lawrence is Kenya's date instead of her Nigerian Prince. Naturally, he's with them and simply wearing an invisibility poncho! 

Kenya has also installed NeNe in the Presidential Suite, because well, Kenya is all about the long shade. Similar to the long con, meaning she slowly is building NeNe up, dangling the suspense in front of her face like an Emmy award, stroking her ego with diamonds before she does something dastardly. NeNe knows it's coming and keeps her smile plastered on her face as she squeezes Gregg's hand for support. Gregg in turn dry-humps the chaise lounge and sprays it with his scent to mark NeNe's territory as the Queen of RHOA, lest Kenya forget! Last season when NeNe was actressing she was merely on hiatus, but <two snaps!> now she has returned.  

Why were there swans on the bed? Did anyone notice Porsha only had ONE swan. Can't she and Kenya share a room and go all Whatever Happened To Baby Jane on each other? 

Despite the fact that she would rather have Porsha take her Black History final exam than go to Mexico, the producers reminded Phaedra the she was beholden to this-here contract and so she sidled into Mexico just as Kenya was playing Musical Significant Others + Plus Me and Porsha around the dinner table. Kenya had conveniently seated herself right next to Peter so they could oh-so-casually bring up Porsha's soon-to-be-defunct-marriage to He Who May Be Gay And Unbearded, Kordell. Full Disclosure: We make no assumptions about Kordell's sex life.


And look what the cops cat dragged in… I am most surprised to see Apollo by Phaedra's side especially considering Phaedra did not want him attending after last year's behavior with a certain Miss Whore-Moore. Phaedra and Apollo detest each other – it was palpable through the TV. Luckily we have distractions: other marriages gone badly. 

Yes, Gregg Leakes speaks! To question Porsha about whether or not she truly did everything to save her marriage. Porsha stumbles over some words about how Kordell changed and she had to work for spending money. And he broke their agreement. Porsha pauses, realizing that she accidentally spilled too much. But she had verbal diarrhea (Don't drink the water in Mexico!) and couldn't stop so she explains they had an agreement to fix his "tainted" celebrity and she would play the role of the perfect wife as a plan to "erase his past."

"So you were his beard," purrs Kenya. Porsha quickly denies it – and emphatically. I believe her. But Kenya won't let it go. "The truth will set you free," she crows at Porsha. Phaedra snaps that Kenya would grow a beard to her knees to land a man. Kandi steps in to defend Porsha but Kenya cuts her off to ramble about how this is gonna be a good trip.


"She doesn't want you to finish your point," Porsha gently explains, resigned to the fact that Kenya will do anything for attention. And Porsha is right – Kenya doesn't want to hear any points – because she's too busy in a pissing contest with NeNe over who can rule the roost. Why don't the other ladies just ignore them both? 

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