Reunions… so draining! There is rarely any fresh drama, there is a lot of preening about how certain slights are the worst slights ever-ever, while other people's feelings just cannot compare. And it's just a lot of back-n-forth nonsense. Even Andy Cohen was visibly annoyed last night. Clearly he has reached the same point the rest of us have with the Richards sisters, meaning just stop whining! Go do your splits and rambles on another show.
We're on week two of the "epic" Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion and that means we're in the tippy-tippity of the homestretch. This week is all about Rambles Richards having a meltdown.
Before that Andy calls Brandi Glanville out on doing something to her cheeks. She denies all the fillers and claims her cheeks are real. She makes Kim touch them. Kim tentatively reaches a trembly hand out and pokes gently, before laughing nervously about how it feels like skin. Like her werepuppy. I feel like this is the first human contact Kim has had since the late-90's. Andy side-eyes Brandi.
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Kim is still upset that Lisa Vanderpump is dismissive of her, and feels they've never had a relationship. She accuses Lisa of only asking about her whereabouts during cast events to make Kim look bad. Lisa is not allowed to blame Kim because she's already missed so much and Lisa's events don't count. I'm confused because I fail to see how it's Lisa's fault that Kim's alcoholism made her miss "huge chunks of her life". Anyway, it is. Moral of the reunion: Everything. Is. Lisa's. Fault.
Lisa insists she does care about Kim and always tried to be supportive. Case in point when they were in Puerto Rico (or maybe Palm Springs – too many two-word places starting with P that contained arguments in bikinis) Kim confided in her that son Chad was experiencing some health problems. Lisa said it was a broken leg and that she even called and texted to check in on Kim. Kim gets very evasive and states she wouldn't trust Lisa with an old gym sock, let alone personal information about her children. Yolanda Foster says Lisa is missing the point and Lisa argues back that she was issuing proof she supported Kim.
Of course now it's time to discuss Kimberly's Graduation Party, or the day Beverly Hills paused, put on a lei, ate Fat Burger, and revolved its privileged axis around Rambles! Just like old times when Big Kathy was in charge and Kim was hair flipping and Jimmy McNichol-flirting around a Disney set! Anyway, Kim is STILL upset that Lisa skipped the party. The new reason is that Kim really, really, really wanted Lisa there and specifically asked that she come. Actually sidled up to her at a different event, put on her sad Bambi eyes, and rasped that she wanted Lisa there more than any other lady.
Lisa apparently said she'd try to make it but then the charity event for alopecia came up, so she sent a gift and called it a day. Then she happened to arrive back in town early but instead of texting Kim to say, "Oh even though I already RSVP'd no, I arrived back in town early but I have to check in at work, so I won't be able to traipse across the Valley and hair flip around your pool with Kyle Richards. Hope you understand. So sorry darling!" Instead Lisa got defensive when Kim accused her of lying about skipping the party. If you are confused, you are not alone because I thought KIMBERLY was the guest of honor, not Lisa!
Furthermore, didn't KATHY HILTON skip said party to go trot around Buckingham Palace pretending the world has never seen Paris' hoo-ha? Wasn't Kathy supposed to throw said party before bailing and ditching Kim with directions to Party City and some moldy, leftover cups from Nicki's Sweet 16? That's what I thought…
Lisa says in retrospect, realizing it was such a big deal, she would have tried harder to attend.
Kim also has some choice words for how much she can't stand Ken, who has a mean side and the terribly snide audacity to accuse her of drinking again. Lisa gets extremely snippy at this point, drops the veneer, narrows her eyes until they are little more than feathery slits and black veils, and demands Kim back off of Ken. NOW. If Snarlton Gebbia could have harnessed that natural energy she could have had some serious black magic on her hands!
Kim cries about how more than any other lady she has tried so hard to have a friendship with Lisa. At this point, I want to get out the smelling salts because I have officially passed out from boredom brought on from trying to avoid the uncomfortable weirdness unfolding on my TV. Now imagine how Lisa was feeling!
Lemme get this straight: Kim can't stand condescending, fake Lisa, thinks Ken is a bully, yet she's sort of obsessed with Lisa and desperately wants to be her friend? I feel like I saw a Lifetime Movie starring Tori Spelling that had this theme. I feel like Lisa should be careful with Giggy or Kim might kidnap him and feed him to Kingsley. I feel like we've officially entered the SWF category. I hope Andy is standing by with mace.
After all that we are subjected to round 1500 of Snarlton vs. Splits. Snarlton still has big problems with Kyle asking about her religion because she feels Kyle was being insincere and judging. Yeah, probably. Kyle believes Carlton came on the show with preconceived notions after watching previous episodes. Yeah, probably. I have problems with Kyle based on the way she's behaved on RHOBH too!
It goes back and forth with label throwing and arguments about how labeling is atrocious. I am distracted by Kyle's ugly nailpolish which looks like shiny fungus. Kyle makes it all about Lisa by stating that Lisa is not defending her to Carlton. When Lisa needs an ally she backs that person and that person was Kyle at the birthday party, but now at the reunion and in her blogs she accused Kyle of instigating. Andy asks Brandi and Yolanda for their feedback.
Yolanda believes Carlton is over-sensitive about her religion and that Kyle simply asked too many times and it came across as phony. Yolanda suggested Kyle go Google "Wicca" instead of asking about it every single episode for the duration of the season and then looking weirded out by Carlton's response. Andy finally just decided we'd had enough and called the whole thing off. He had bigger phonies to fry: Joyce Giraud and Brandi!
Brandi's season-long hot messitude is recapped and she is quite definitively a mess. Brandi claims she was having a bad year and she has apologized a zillion times for her bad behavior. She likes her wine and admits to occasionally going too far, but it's not like she's snorting cocaine in the bathroom. The stage is silent.
Joyce tells her f–king up over and over then apologizing doesn't cut it. You have to change your behavior if you really want people to believe you feel bad. Brandi is like the girl who cried wine. Eventually people are going to realize it's not the drink that's making the girl act badly, it's just the girl who cannot behave. Brandi is sorry, not sorry. And it's never her fault.
Joyce is unsympathetic and sick of Brandi's woe-is-me victim act. Yolanda accuses Joyce of lacking empathy and defends Brandi's behavior as depression. I see Yo is allowed to mother Brandi, but not Lisa! Lisa is trying to make Brandi look bad but Yolanda is… well, going to Starbucks to buy her coffee to sober her up like a good friend.
Brandi says it's hard being her and being followed by the paparazzi "non-stop". Who is Brandi Glanville in this world that the paparazzi is stalking her? Please, illuminate me TMZ. Joyce laughs and claims her publicist revealed that Brandi calls the paps on herself. BWHAHAHA. Brandi denies it.
Joyce is highly incensed by Brandi's all-around phoniness, for instance after they made-up at Lisa's Brandi was like "Ew!" And proceeded to admit she made up insincerely. Andy asks if they'll ever be friends and the answer is no. Brandi blames it on Joyce "spewing craziness". I think I missed the part where Joyce spoke craziness. I think our Puerto Rican beauty queen makes a lot of sense under her hair hat!
[Photo Credits: Evans Vestal Ward/Bravo]
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