Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Puerto Vall-arn’tya

shannon beador is lonely in mexico

Oh Vicki Gunvalson – after eight or so seasons of Vicki annoying the piss out of us (see what I did there – cause Vicki peed her pants), she's getting counseling and emerged a wiser, more self-confident, and self-aware woman. And she's spreading her messages to the masses. 

On last night's episode of Real Housewives of Orange County we entered an alternate universe of housewifery where Vicki was preaching about learning from mistakes, taking ownership, and in general being a happier person less concerned with what others think. Either Brooks' falsie-affirmations are working (the power of believing, yo!) or counseling is, but whatever – we'll take it. And I'll also take a Vicki G spinoff called The Love Tank Whisperer

Vicki took her love tank restructuring seminar to Puerto Vallarta and invited Shannon Beador and her imploding marriage along. It takes a brave woman to take a disaster on vacation and still focus on the fun! Shannon and David are in a tailspin of dysfunction with Shannon digging in and clinging tightly to an evaporating David who is floating farther and farther out in the metaphorical sea.


shannon and david beador at odds

What Shannon doesn't want to get – and what no free-range horticulturist of mercurial health principals starring organic vodka acupuncture can make her understand – is that David is a big-fat over it! Years of being "chiseled" (Vicki's word) away at by Shannon has left him emotionally moved out and physically packing. Buh-bye Shanneedy, pseudo hippie nightmare! 

Heather Dubrow is soooo busy. I mean she's got like one guest role every six months and that means she has no time to microwave dinner for her kids. She decides to hire a chef to prepare gourmet meals to alleviate stress in her taxing life. I'm surprised the chef can fit in her teeny-tiny microscopic rental! Heather's kids act as if they've never had real food before – have they? – and gourmet food does not equal gourmet table manners. You're slipping, Miss Manners Dubrow!

Meanwhile Heather complains to the nanny about Shannon and how outrageous and rude she is. Then she worries that Shannon will fill Vicki's ears with the honest truth lies about Heather's behavior when Shannon confronted her. Heather hopes Vicki will remember that Vicki is her friend, not Shannon's! Much like Vicki peed on Tamra Barney's bed to mark her territory last season, Heather is getting very territorial about owning her friends. She better go pee on Vicki's sofa. 

Back in Puerto Vallarta Vicki's condo is on the water and gorgeous. Not gorgeous is Brooks threatening to wear a Speedo – I would sue Bravo for PTSD if I saw that unfit for TV moment. My eyes… my eyes would need the same bleach job Tamra's white eyeliner provides.

shannon and david beador confront double bed

Shannon and David get put up in the "small room" which only features a double bed. It was as if Shannon and David saw a ghost – or Shannon was forced to eat GMOsthey silently exchange glances and start worrying about how they'll sleep in such tiny quarters. The double bed is making them both hyperventilate – they might touch!!! Shannon is used to luxe arrangements – like David sleeping in his own room. How to tell Vicki they'll need to relocate to separate rooms in a five-star hotel, because Shannon is a light sleeper and all. I mean that's totally the only reason? Vicki wants to hear the bed squeaking. Shannon doesn't get the metaphor. She needs to grow up! And take advantage of the double bed – it might help her marriage. These ladies have NO manners and are ridiculously high maintenance. 

Billy, sensing that the Beador tension is harshing the vacation vibes, offers to give them his much larger and nicer room. Things are very temporarily relaxed. 

The couples head to the beach where Shanneedy literally cannot enjoy anything. Not jet skis, not getting wet, not the ocean, not fish, and not relaxing with her husband and bonding the way she has been complaining about wanting all season. Vicki hopes that Shannon being around a "healthy couple" like her and Brooks will inspire Shannon – and while that is utterly laugh-worthy, compared to Shanneedy and David, Vicki and Brooks are positively a ad for finding full love tanks. 

As everyone sips gourmet tequila beside the ocean, Shannon, like a piranha, bares her teeth and takes bites out of David over every little thing. Like why is he enjoying tequila? That's rich coming from the queen of the vodka! David admits they don't have much in common. Shannon says David likes to spend time with the kids, but not her. David is silent. Things David likes: working out, guacamole, his own room. Things Shannon likes: Dr. Moon, stressing out, being neurotic and self-obsessed. Shannon needs to focus more on the positive. It's not very holistic to be so negative!

Tamra is trying to force Eddie to be a father to a robotic baby. She complains that he's ignoring the robot while she does all the work. Tamra is not getting it – Eddie no want no baby. He married Tamra – and that's enough immaturity for one marriage! He's told her time and time again that he didn't want babies. He's got his business, his bikes, and his bathtub – the man's life is full. Furthermore, I'd rather see Tamra fighting with her co-stars than pseudo-mothering a robot baby.

lizzie rovsek juggles it all

Lizzie Rovsek is still trying to figure out if she can do it all – be a mother and run her swimsuit line. She invites Heather over to get some advice. As if Heather with her 12 nannies and very, very part-time job, who can't even assemble Kraft Mac 'n' Cheese for dinner is a valuable resource for how to be super mom! Lizzie prayed and the answer she got was really, really concise: it told her to do it all – have more kids, have a swim line, and don't expect husband Christian to get in line and help! On the one hand, Lizzie's issues I can relate to – on the other hand I'm bored. 

Heather and her family watch her guest spot on Hawaii Five-O. Terry is super excited and Heather snaps at him for daring to talk during her line. Perhaps her son said it best, "You'll never be Angelina Jolie." 

stogi & stoli - Vicki and Shannon's ulter-egos

"Stoli & Stogi" 

Back in Mexico, Vicki takes Shannon to smoke a locally rolled cigar and talk marriage, Tamra and Heather. Shannon's poison is vodka, so while Vicki puffs a stogi, Shannon slurps a stoli. She recounts the experience of Heather throwing her out, including that Heather escalated it to a fight immediately. I thought it was a pretty accurate recollection from old vodka-brain. Vicki is shocked but also understanding – and reveals to Shannon that she too has been burned by Tamra's volatility and love of gossip. It was Tamra who turned everyone against Brooks and Vicki has never quite trusted her again. Who is this honest and centered Vicki?!

Over dinner, things between Shanneedy and David explode because David is having another drink. "Tequila is David's new drink," Shannon sniffs acridly and judgementally. Apparently it is NOW David who is drinking too much and isn't allowed to have fun. Hypocrite, much? 

David is exasperated, Vicki goes "la, la,la" to eradicate awkwardness and Shannon flees the table to cry in the bathroom. Vicki recognizes this pattern as how she treated Donn in their marriage which ultimately ended in divorce. In the bathroom she tries to calm Shannon down and encourage her to let things go. Shannon snaps that she's tired of everyone having an opinion on her marriage – and she doesn't understand why everyone thinks they have problems. 

shannon cries in mexico

Does Shanneedy seriously think no one sees tension in her marriage!? Delusional, much?! She comes back to the table and accuses David of making her look like a bitch. Oh Shannon – the only person who can make you look like a bitch, is you! Just ask Tamra

Shanneedy needs to talk to David outside, where she confesses she's going crazy. Girl – we've noticed. It's as apparent as the tension in your marriage! 

[Photo Credits:]