Last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Atlanta featured a battle of the THOTS. Well, really it was more of a battle of THOT accusations coming from Porsha Williams! Porsha and Cynthia Bailey are angry at each other over the reunion; Cynthia felt Porsha’s physical aggression was out-of-line, but Porsha is annoyed that Cynthia has “flip-flopped” her opinion on the matter – sometimes saying she understood Porsha was provoked and other times saying it was completely unacceptable.
Really, Porsha and Cynthia are angry at each other because their ‘bosses’ NeNe Leakes and Kenya Moore don’t like each other so they pawns in a larger game for who will be crowned MISS RHOA! I wonder if The Bailey Agency will host the pageant… they so excel at them! More on that later, but first – Nights at The Apollo!
Everyone is still reeling from Apollo Nida‘s reveal that he “Krayonce’d” his relationship with Kenya, aka imagined she was there in LA, coming onto him in hotel rooms, and offering him fellatio. See this is Karma – Kenya was making up menz all over the world from Africa to Atlanta, and here is Apollo making up Kenyas!
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Kenya seeks guidance from her Aunt Lori, who advises her that she should strive to be the bigger person and must wipe the slate clean. “You do not know these girls,” Kenya laughs. Regardless, Kenya is riding high that she is vindicated and that her “good name” is cleared. She starts preaching to us from her Cliffnotes Shakespeare, making the giant palm frond sprouting from her shoulder tremble with exaltation. I dunno about that good name she waxes krayetic of, but at least she can rest easy that everrrrybody knows she didn’t offer to felate Apollo!
Kandi Burruss spills the Apollo-gy to Phaedra Parks. She is shocked – like Jesus cannot even fix this disaster – and disgusted that her husband would put her through that while she was 8 months pregnant! I had forgotten that point! Phaedra immediately says she owes Kenya an apology. It must have been Phaedra’s shock talking, knocking her off her game? “I don’t think she’s Mother Teresa, by no means, but I am woman enough to have a conversation and apologize, and hopefully move forward,” Phaedra says. YESSS… ladies RISE UP against Apollo.
Kandi also tells Porsha that Cynthia don’t wanna be her friend no more – which is why she wasn’t invited to that party of the year where all of Atlanta was desperate to be invited! More like, all the desperate people IN Atlanta were invited.
Over at Cynthia’s, she has decided to extricate herself from negativity – first NeNe, and now with Porsha, whom she says has replaced her as NeNe’s “puppeteer 2.” If Cynthia doesn’t want to be a part of anything negative, why is she married to Payday Loan Peter?!
Cynthia is annoyed that Porsha has been talking abut her and calling her a “Flip-flopper,” meanwhile Porsha is the one whose personality has changed. Really? Mmmm… Cynthia is the one who traded riding-up behind NeNe to riding-up behind Kenya.
UGH – SHUT. UP. Cynthia! Regarding butts – what is going on with Cynthia’s rather developed new booty? It seems everything about Cynthia is just a little bit extra this season!
Speaking of flip-flopping, Todd is now backpedaling on wanting a baby. Kandi wants to get pregnant right now since she’s 38, but Todd wants to wait because he’s traveling so much for work. Kandi whacks him with a Bedroom Kandi whip – watch the props! – annoyed that Todd is away so much for work. Poor Kandi, if she would have married that opportunist her mama warned her about, he would be home, available to cuddle his sugar mama! But her man has a career.
Later Kandi and Todd sit down with Riley and Kaela, who has recently moved to Atlanta, to discuss some ground rules. Kaela wants a curfew of 2am and Riley wants her allowance to be $100 a week for vacuuming and making her bed. Kandi and Todd are gonna have their hands full!
And finally we meet Claudia Jordan! Claudia is vivacious, funny, and seems like the type of girl who is all fun until you cross her, then she is a viper! Claudia is a former Miss USA contestant, became the most popular girl in prison via her Price Is Right gig, was a Deal Or No Deal model, has conquered the world from Dubai to LA, and moved to Atlanta for a new job. She’s been friends with Kenya for 10 years.
She and Kenya meet at a designer furniture store where they laugh, tease each other, and talk sex before not buying anything and heading to Rent-A-Center. Claudia apparently lives for a TMI – she wears a dress that practically flashes vaj and reveals that she broke her tooth having sex once. Claudia is single because she always picks the wrong men. She will fit in just fine with the ladies of RHOA!
Kenya shares that she is no longer with her African prince. Once minute he was ready to do IVF with her, the next minute he isn’t even willing to do Skype with her. And back to the Africa of her imagination he goes! Kenya offers to help Claudia find a man… “find” being the operative word, cause how do you find invisible?!
Speaking of invisible African princes, NeNe visits Porsha’s for some girl talk. Porsha’s doorbell is broken but she drives a Rentley. And she is still living in that big ol’ castle of delusion! Girl… just stop pretending you’re rich – you’re more like She By SheBroke 2.0! The rumor is that Porsha’s new man is tall, dark, very very rich and very very married! #CloseYourLegsToMarriedMen!
Porsha tells NeNe all about how she didn’t get an invite to Cynthia’s little party – even though she didn’t want to go to some celebration of THOT. THOT: That Ho Over There, aka when your instagram features you naked on a flyer you’re advertising for your party. Or perhaps when your Naked Hair ad features you nekkid with your new boobs, Dumb & Dumber, on display, while your intellect is buried deep! Hypocrite: See Above.
Porsha also shares that Apollo lied about Kenya! NeNe is surprised, but doesn’t feel Phaedra owes Kenya an apology. Nor does NeNe owe her an one – after all, she never called Kenya a whore, she just impliiiiied it cause you know, Kenya has “been around the block!”
Since Phaedra has officially announced the f–kery that is Apollo as unfixable by Jesus, he visits Atlanta’s ONLY divorce attorney, where he complains that his spiteful wife wants to destroy him by taking everything from him while he’s in prison. I see that Apollo has switched his smear campaign from Kenya to Phaedra. And I quite agree that his only motive for “sincerely apologizing” to Kenya was to hurt Phaedra even more. Run, Phaedra, Run!
Finally, Cynthia and Porsha have a sit-down to discuss – what exactly, I don’t know! It was like an extension of NeNe vs. Kenya, like Porsha and Cynthia were playing bootleg roles of their mean girl bosses.
Cynthia wore her smart people costume to intimidate Porsha. Porsha was an hour late – so nasty, so rude – and her apology was very flippant, but she did rock her best “cheap jumpsuit” for the occasion!
Porsha apparently was at home making a diagram of all the points she wanted to cover in her summit discussion with Cynthia, because she calmly breaks it down with bullet points – I am surprised she didn’t whip out a PowerPoint on her iPhone! Cynthia is no mood for pleasantries of rational-ish discussion, she is pressed that Porsha was talking about her in the media. Porsha, too, is “flummoxed” that Cynthia has said two different things regarding Reunion-Gate.
Surprisingly I thought Porsha held it together pretty tightly – Phaedra must be coaching her – but Cynthia, she was annnngrrrry! Cynthia really is amping up the reads and shade – definitely trying to be Kenya Jr! They keep snapping at each other until Cynthia gets riled up enough to put her “ET finger” nearish to Porsha’s face. Cynthia didn’t recall what happened when her friend Krayonce put some props in Porsha’s face – that special effect finger could get snapped (and brought to the reunion!)
Cynthia then tells Porsha not to come for her unless she sends for her, and Porsha is all like girl.. you can’t recycle a read. At least if you’re gonna go in on me get some original flavor! Cynthia waltzes out and Porsha compliments her outfit, then she orders a drink on Cynthia’s tab. Which, in all likelihood was declined – guess it’s time to call Prince Mysterio 2.0!
Bye Felicia – although, I’m not sure which one of those ladies is the Felicia. Those two were a mess!
TELL US – FIRST IMPRESSIONS OF CLAUDIA? WILL PHAEDRA EVER APOLOGIZE TO KENYA? TEAM CYNTHIA OR TEAM PORSHA?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]