Last night friendship was in the air on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, but you know all that love and bonding and fabulous living comes with a price!
Kyle Richards is preparing for another family vacation – this time on a 100-foot yacht in Mallorca, Spain. One of Kyle’s daughters is already in the South of France for a week with a friend and will be meeting the family in Spain. “Such is the life!” trills Kyle with faux humility. Kyle’s storyline this season seems to be an inferiority complex about proving she’s rich. Every episode is her pretending to be humble, while covertly bragging about flying private and living luxe but she’s actually squee-ing inside that finally she’s arrived. I’m just waiting to see her in a “Very Rich Bitch” t-shirt ala NeNe Leakes.
Before Kyle gets packing she visits to Kim Richards, who is preparing for her daughter Brooke’s wedding and wants to preview her Mother Of The Bride dresses. Everything at Kim’s house is scattered, decorated with rejects from early 90’s TV sets, and filled with deathly ill children – it’s all an evil ploy to make Kyle too sick for Mallorca so Kim can go instead, bond with Yolanda Foster, and cosy up to a wealthy Spanish gentleman! “Lysol – take me away!” Kyle puts her hair around her face like a mask to protect her from the germs. Kim’s dress is lovely – good for her.
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Kyle flees germ-manor in her luxury SUV to go home and throw a hissy fit while packing. Kyle acts as if she didn’t have her “lady-sitter” do all the packing weeks in advance so she could invite several people over to go through her luggage, under the pretense of wardrobe checking but really wanting to showoff that she’s going on this trip with BRAND NEW LUXURY LUGGAGE. I hope she remembered Portia’s frequent flyer card! They finally make it to the airport – where they discover they will be flying commercial – oh the injustice. Kyle’s lips quiver for just a moment, the shimmer of the gloss reflecting that moment of despair – and then she pretends all the private planes to Mallorca were booked that weekend. Probably by Yolanda, who needed all the private planes on retainer, just in case. Just. In. Case her love King Davorce wanted to sweep her away somewhere. “Lemons – take me away!”
Back on domestic soil Brandi Glanville‘s podcast producer wants her to make her show more family-friendly so she can get advertisers and therefore money. Brandi isn’t so sure that’s possible – I mean, her show is called Brandi Glanville Unfiltered. Not to be confused with Brandi Glanville FILLER-ED, because her face is approaching a code-red category called “Maloofed” Is anyone else wondering if the real reason Paul divorced Adrienne is that her rancid plastic surgery was bad for business? Anyway, Brandi will do anything for money, so she’s willing to class it up – but according to the laws of physics that’s probably not possible.
Later Brandi learns she got an extra six-figure check from her book so she immediately splurged on a six-figure car. Brandi’s white custom Range arrives and she’s squealing and shrieking like it’s a Lexus Christmas commercial. Meanwhile in her interview segments she’s rocking low-budget I Dream Of Jeannie hair and cleavage. I dream of Brandi being classy. Quick question – wasn’t Brandi complaining last week about Eddie stealing money from her so she couldn’t buy a house? Perhaps a six-figure car isn’t as important as a place to live for longer than six months? Priorities!
Priorities like yachts in Spain. Of which Kyle is on a gorgeous one. Yolanda meets her there, but Yolanda is just arriving from spending a week on a massive, private sail boat where she and David sailed through secret spots in Turkey. Poor Kyle… always the bridesmaid never the bride! Why do I feel like Yolanda has custom-made luggage constructed from perfectly molded crystals to resemble her glass fridge. And I am sure the handles are made from Tyrannosaurus Rex teeth which doubles as weapons in case she has to protect David’s perfect piano fingers from any intruders. That Yo – she’s a wily one.
On the yacht Yolanda does normal American plebeian people things, like ride on inner-tubes pulled by jet skis. She calls them “bagels” – which in fairness to YoFridgedaire she’s never actually seen a bagel so how would she know what they really look like. Speaking of looks, I forget Yolanda and Kyle are pretty close in age. Yolanda seems much more mature and together, Kyle seems like the little-sister sidekick. And Yolanda’s body is out of this world – I will happily eschew bagels for life to look like that in my late-40’s (OK, no I won’t, but a girl can dream, right?!).
Yolanda repays Kyle the favor by taking her on a tour through Spain and agreeing to wear her sneakers so she doesn’t tower-over Kyle by wearing “wedgies” (Wedge heels). Kyle is like a living wedgie, though, so I understand Yo’s Freudian slip. They bond over motherhood and life being fleeting – Yolanda’s mother is battling ovarian cancer. All in all, they have a nice time, with no drama, and it was cute with gorgeous scenery to boot.
Lisa Vanderpump tends to the important things like Giggy’s wardrobe. Lisa is really hoping to keep Giggy from being too spoiled, she wants him to grow up grounded and with the right priorities which is why she’s spending $564 on two tailored suits with floppy hats. Oh the travails of motherhood in Beverly Hills.
Next we check in with Eileen Davidson, who is married to Vince Van Patten, former child star, former tennis pro, current professional poker host. He is also Eileen’s 3rd husband, which is both so BH and so Hollywood. Eileen is competitive because she grew up the youngest of 7 kids, and she’s also a mom of three boys – two step-sons and one son of her own. She craves daughters, but something tells me she’s a ‘boy mom’ (as am I – I recognize our kind). Eileen and Vince bicker a lot – “don’t all married couples?” and seem to have a sort of jovial, chaotic, but grounded relationship. Eileen both scares me and intrigues me. I would not want to mess with her is all.
Lipsa Rinna meets LVP for lunch where they catch up on girlfriend gossip. Lisa doesn’t want to taint Lipsa’s opinion of anyone, and she doesn’t want to talk shit, buttttttt… you know some things have to be said, like: BRANDIISOMIGAWDANAWFULPERSONRUNRUNRUN – DON’T FALL FOR IT!. Lisa says the women blamed her for being really busy last season and took it personally, but with some of them she’s working on forgiveness. Lipsa assures us she’ll form her own opinion on people, but that Lisa is a good friend, good person, and they are both down-to-earth hustlers who relate to each other and she knows Lisa was hurt by last season.
So far, I am LOVING Lipsa. She has this great energy even through the TV. It’s infectious. And she’s really open-minded, down-to-earth, and supportive of all the girls. If this is her true nature, than she is a great addition to this show. However I am slightly worried that her friendship with Lisa is doomed with the intrusion of RHOBH.
Since Harry and the girls are in Canada on vacation, Lipsa is home alone and bored. Lisa invites her to Palm Springs where she’s getting a star on the Walk of Fame, but first they go shopping. They both have a naughty sense of humor and don’t take each other seriously. It takes Lipsa 20 minutes to try on a mumu, that ends up looking like a cheap beach dress. Kaftans by Kylene Too can hook a girl up if that’s what Lisa was looking for! Meanwhile LVP knew better than to attempt a fitting room – she knew it would take her too long to get out of the dress, and spanx, and second pair of spanx, and mic pac, and heels…
Back in Spain, Kyle has a whiny, attention-seeking panic attack over jumping off the side of the boat with Yolanda. Afterwards she acts like it’s the worst thing she’s ever endured. Then Yolanda gives her advice on setting boundaries with a teenager who is about to leave the house and hoping you’ve instilled the right sort of guidelines. Which is ironic, because mere minutes later she receives a call from David that Bella got a DUI.
Yolanda goes into a tailspin, but she handles it authentically with a normal mother’s reaction – albeit a mother who has been on a luxury vacation for the last two weeks and probably doesn’t know which maid is on curfew duty, but hey BH parenting is certainly a different animal. I’m glad Bella is OK – and that no one else was hurt – and I was happy to see Yolanda express disappointment and shock over Bella’s terrible choice – Yolanda kept emphasizing that it was a bad choice, not that Bella is a bad kid).
Yolanda also expressed love and worry for Bella. Then she summoned the FosterCopter with the flashing of a diamond-ray, to pick her up from the yacht, where she would climb a ladder to the stars while wearing a one-piece unitard made from platinum bullets and unicorn skin lycra to descend onto the YoDa Enterprise, where Yolanda meditated inside her cryogenic lemon grove amid the soothing sounds of David’s piano being played with crisp limited edition $1000 bills.
Well it’s master cleansing and no driving for Bella until she leave for college.
TELL US – KYLE AND YO’S FRIENDSHIP: LEGIT OR JUST FOR SHOW? WILL LISA AND LIPSA LAST THROUGH RHOBH?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]