Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, stars rose, hearts sunk, and Kim Richards‘ daughter got married in a gorgeous wedding, which was sweet and lovely and made me wanna be nice to Kim. I imagine that will be short-lived.
In what is surely the very definition of hell, Yolanda Foster is trapped on a rent-a-yacht in the middle of the ocean with Kyle Richards after receiving the news that her daughter Bella (soon to be known as The Disowned One) got a DUI. Yolanda sniffles through telling us that poor Bella had only ONE glass of wine and got pulled over. The injustice! Yolanda isn’t sure how to handle her children growing up and making decisions without her input. It hits her on an additional level because her father died in a car accident and she can’t believe Bella would be so careless.
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Yolanda struggles to remain composed because she doesn’t want to ruin Kyle’s vacation with a meltdown, as if Kyle would ever extend that same courtesy! Kyle was probably wondering if she should just go ahead and have the meltdown herself because you know, camera time! And the yacht could be detained in Spain on a psychiatric hold which could get mighty exciting and – OMG the tabloids would be writing about her for at least a week!
Yolanda is so boring and mature – it’s times like this I miss ol’ Loony Lips Taylor Armstrong. She would be hysterically flinging herself over the rails of the yacht, fake drowning, screeching and trying to cut the lifejacket off with a bobby pin all because Kyle gave her champagne instead of prosecco and the boat had green towels, which are so ugly and cheap and below her level of spectacular taste. I digress…
Apparently Yolanda is unable to get a plane home until the next day, which leaves me confused: David Foster does not have a personal universal cloud system to transport Her High and Mightiness wherever she needs to levitate, through the stratosphere as she is ensconced in pure crystal white light? I assumed her fridge doubled as a private rocket – my mistake.
David disappoints me. What good is being an almost-EGOT when you can’t even control the metaphysical forces of unique personal transportation? Oh yes, David is in possession of an Oscar, an Emmy, 45,000 Grammys, but no Tony yet. Silly me, I thought the “T” stood for Turgid Egomaniac, in which case mission accomplished, but it just stands for Tony, one of which David does not own. Lucky for him neither does anyone else, but But somebody else does have an Emmy: Eileen Davidson! E for Emmy and Eileen. F for Failure and Foster.
Eileen has been on hiatus from starring in the last of the remaining soap operas, but she’s decided to return to work to save her marriage by making out in the shower with random actor dudes and by bringing home the bacon. She’s rehearsing a script, which I’m pretty sure is an Apollo Nida biopic, because it features a character who stole a dead person’s identity after getting out of prison. Lifetime Movie, alert!
Eileen loves being a soap star – she’s brought her son to work with her since he was 2 months old – he literally grew up on the CBS set playing with the Price Is Right wheel. Miraculously he did not become a child star, and miraculously Eileen did not turned into a psycho bitch or a homicidal maniac because she was able to sow those wild oats through her characters. Some girls have all the luck!
Speaking of luck, Lisa Vanderpump is headed to Palm Springs where she’s receiving a star on the Walk Of Fame. Before leaving, Magdalena, the housekeeper Lisa kidnapped on the side of the road (no this is not one of Eileen’s Days story lines, sadly!), shows up with Giggy wrapped in a towel. Giggy’s been looking depressed lately – I think Lisa is smothering him with his weight in sequins. Now he must form a mutiny and turn all the other dogs against her. Giggy swears Lisa put a tabloid with a story about Pinkie’s leash being rhinestone instead of diamond in the dog bed last week.
Lisa is perturbed that Magdalena washed Giggy instead of his suit, per her instructions, then she worries that Magdalena may also be washing Ken instead of his suit, not that Lisa would care about that except for the fact that it would probably make her late! Lisa makes a note to order Rosetta Stone: British English for Magdalena.
Roscia, who is practically family – albeit the only member of the family who is responsible for cleaning up – would never make such mistake. Roscia knows how to cut Giggy’s beef tarte-tarte just so and has been elevated to sitting with the family during dinner while they discuss Brazilian bikini waxes with the token gays and Lipsa Rinna, who believes public hair is an important form of protection. From husbands, LVP enquires? No, from disease. So basically – from husbands, or at least Brandi Glanville‘s husband. (According to Brandi’s book, that is!)
Speaking of Brandi, she’s wondering if she should change her podcast format from Unfiltered to Filtered in an effort to attract advertisers. Serendipitously Vivica A. Fox decides for her by dropping an F-bomb a minute, talking about strippers, and wearing one of Brandi’s castoff I Dream Of Genie ensembles. Which is fine because Brandi is wearing a castoff RHONJ costume with leopard-print blouse and crunchy gel hair. Alas, Brandi realizes she’s not an unfiltered girl and there’s no point in trying to be something she’s not! I mean, other than trying to be 22 with all the plastic surgery, but we all see how that’s working out. So unfiltered she shall remain.
Kim’s daughter is days away from getting married and Kim tells us all about marrying Brooke’s father Monty who is her best friend, but that does not a husband make. Still, they’re soul mates. Kyle returns from Spain, just one day before the wedding, and gushes that of all the Hilton/Richards girls, it’s Kim’s daughter who is walking down the aisle first… not that it matters.
Kyle informs us about the three daughters she left behind – her dogs: Hair Flips, Splits, and ME, ME, ME! To show them her love, Kyle bought them Chanel dog bowls, which came delivered in giant cardboard boxes (huh, I thought Chanel had more sophisticated packaging. <side eye>) A Chanel dog bowl Kyle? You can stop trying to convince us you’re rich now.
YoFridgedaire has also returned – finally – to confront BELLA’S MISTAKE (which sounds like the title of a Sweet Valley High book). She brings My Love a picnic lunch at his studio where he is recording Elevator Music Volume No. 414,000, this one featuring … God, I tuned it all out as soon as Yo opened that picnic basket and I saw her Tupperware. Ugh – that’s so gauche. She’s really letting me down this episode; no private hovercraft on retainer SWAT-stalking Kyle’s yacht, and now some salad dumped in a plastic container. Doesn’t she have some sort of coordinated crystal and diamond-studded reusable dishes that one can only purchase deep in the hillsides of Switzerland from an uber-exclusive retailer known only to Martha Stewart, Goopy Paltrow, and YoFrigidaire?
In Palm Springs, Lisa and Lipsa bond over breakfast, where Lisa is able to deploy shade before scones. Her son Max, who is 22, is dating a 36-year-old and Lisa is not OK with this. Lisa pokes at Max about how she hasn’t met this woman, whom hopefully she never will. Oh, a mother’s love! All the while Lisa is dressed in a 1940’s peignoir like this is a Film Noir starring Greta Garbo. Lisa doesn’t wake up for less than $10,000 a day – and she certainly wouldn’t be caught dead in easy-access sleep attire like a t-shirt! A man must work for it. And work. And work. And work…
Then it’s on to the Walk Of Fame, Lance Bass presents Lisa’s honor and praises her for all the awareness she’s raised for the LGBT community. Ken is relegated to being mentioned after Giggy, but he could care less cause: champagne! Lipsa gushes about how walks of fame are always her element, even though she’s never actually getting a star. Always the star-f–ker, never the star! But it was a very sweet scene and Lisa seemed genuinely grateful and humble about the whole thing. And also Lance is cute.
Back at Kyle’s, she’s rushing around because Brooke’s wedding was planned at such an inconvenient time when she’s still stuck on Spanish time. For some odd reason, Maurice decides to make salad while everyone is getting ready. I thought the Richards only made hand-tossed chicken salad for special occasions?
Getting all 4 of daughters ready takes a zillion hours (understandably), so Kyle is late-ish to Brooke’s wedding. Meanwhile Kim is getting her makeup done and reminiscing about Brooke’s childhood while crying about Monty, but Kim seemed really happy.
When Kyle finally arrived Kim and Kathy greeted her at the door. Kim looked lovely. Kathy… needs to stop taking plastic surgery tips from Brandi and fashion tips from Rose Nylund! #GoldenGirls.
But oh the wedding! Held at the Hilton estate, it was gorgeous and elegant. Brooke was stunning and Kim was so happy, which was wonderful, and it was a beautiful, sincere, and touching wedding. A nice way to end the episode. Congratulations Brooke!
TELL US – WAS WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOUCHING FAMILY MOMENT FROM LAST NIGHT’S EPISODE? ARE YOU READY TO GET BACK TO DRAMA?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]