Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills: Surprise! You’re A Mess!

Lisa Vanderpump gets a surprise party on RHOBH

So last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills we all got to play amateur psychologist as we tried to figure out what the heck is wrong with Kim Richards. Leading the charge were our bright-eyed and intrepid newbies Eileen Davidson and Lisa Rinna, eager to make a change, eager to help where help is not wanted. As they are about to learn the Richards Sisters are content and complicit in their dysfunction! 

Brandi Glanville is on a 21-day cleanse under the tutelage of Yolanda Foster. That means no alcohol, no sugar, but totally Xanax! A girl can’t give up allll her vices. Yolanda is apparently captaining the Beverly Hills chapter of the Save-A-Hoe Foundation and she thinks yoga is gonna teach an old bitch new tricks. Nice try, but dangling a hot yoga instructor in front of a gal’s face is no way to reshape a behavior – but it’s not like it says NO MEN on this cleanse. Like I said, a girl can’t give up allll her vices! Xanax & Dating?

For everyday Brandi doesn’t drink is Yolanda is gonna give her one almond chip? BTW: Brandi is only doing this cleanse to prove to the other girls she’s not an alcoholic. 


Kyle Richards visits Lisa VanderpumpKyle is distraught over her fractious relationship with Kim and wants to do something, but mostly feels disheartened that Kim is so willing to throw her under the wheels of a Bentley for her new-found friendship with Brandi. Kyle is all but… I thought I was Kim’s number one enabler!!! Instead of blaming Kim for not defending her, Kyle is placing her frustrations on Brandi – duly deserved cause twatty is as twatty does! 

I do wish Kyle and Brandi would stop fighting over enabling Kim. It’s pointless. And Kim is eating it up like free pain pills! As Lipsa said, “Why do you want people to fight over you? Because maybe they’re too busy to take a look at what’s going on with you.” AMEN. Let’s get Dr. Lipsa a Louis Vuitton doctor coat. 

Lisa tries to give Kyle some soothing advice about ignoring Brandi and being the bigger person; which is what she had to do after last year – you know when all of her friends – ALL OF THEM, KYLE – joined ranks with Brandi to tear her down. Kyle’s eyes glaze over – ugh this isn’t about Lisa – this is about HER! Errrr… Kim… and how Kim is making bad choices and Brandi will turn on her. Kyle is right, of course. But perhaps Kyle is doubly worried about what Kim has confessed to Brandi in her darkest hours? Also Kyle being the bigger person only happens when Kyle wears the highest heels. You know what they say, the higher the heels the farther the fall! 

Brandi Glanville seeks advice from sober coach Jennifer Giminez about Kim Richards

Brandi seeks guidance from her friend Jennifer Gimenz, “sober coach” on Kim’s errant behaviors. Brandi is concerned about being in the middle of a big melodrama and having something to lord over Kyle – she seems sort of over having to talk about Kim, as she drones on while imagining hot yoga teachers and pining for a drink. Brandi confesses she has started to feel badly about drinking in front of Kim.

Jennifer, who is probably worried about her credibility being negatively affected by associating with Brandi, says Kim definitely needs therapy, a new friend group, and to get in treatment of some kind. Basically, Kim needs help and y’all ain’t the bitches to do it! 

While she’s talking to Jennifer, Brandi receives a shocking phone call – it’s Ken! He’s calling to invite her Lisa’s surprise 73rd birthday party, because he feels Lisa wouldn’t want anyone – even Boozdi – left out. Ken sounds like he’d rather eat petrified dog poop than extend this invitation. I bet the producers are holding Giggy hostage while he made the call. 

Brandi practically levitates with glee – now she can stop all this cleanse nonsense cause the Vanderpump-Todds love her again. Or not, because Ken wryly lectures about being on her best behavior. Yes, Brandi show up somewhere and act human – you know keep the F-bombs on the down-low and the alcohol consumption to a glass or two and avoid threatening someone with a dildo or a garden rake or a Fauxnel bracelet or a truth bomb. Brandi is offended Ken thinks she doesn’t know how to behave… 

Eileen’s husband Vince has written a screenplay and they want to do a test read-thru, so they invite all the girls – sans Brandi – over to mock play the parts. After all as Eileen points out they’re all actors – I wouldn’t call what Kyle does “acting” – unless you count acting like a nice person on RHOBH, which she only barely accomplishes occasionally. Also the last time Kim acted most of us weren’t even conceived yet, but I do love when Lindsay Lohan Sr. tells glorious stories from her child acting days (pranking Bette Davis – amazing!).

Eileen Davidson holds a script read-thru

Eileen is having NO WINE at this event. Vince is having additional security at this event. And a pre-planned exit route. No way is he getting caught in the Chanel cross-fire of these crazy loons. 

Lisa and Lisa drive together, where Lipsa expresses her serious concerns about the “disturbing” behavior Kim has recently displayed. She feels they have to do something. LVP says they don’t know her well enough – and besides last time SHE said anything she got a poopy pillow smashed in her face. She still hasn’t recovered her full sense of smell! Lisa thinks it’s a bad idea to get involved. “Why are people so afraid of Kim Richards?!” Lipsa exclaims – they’re not, they just know the vortex of dysfunction that encapsulates Kim and Kyle is beyond any mere mortal’s – or half plastic/half mortal’s – capacity!

Kim and Kyle ride together and whatever Kyle has going on with her hair and makeup looks gorgeous! Basking in the glow of constant attention really agrees with her. Kim rambles – obviously – on about how Kyle is there for her, they are so close, but Brandi is a close friend. See here is the problem: Kim is only being honest with Kyle about how she feels about Brandi, but not vice versa. Which speaks volumes about their friendship… 

Kim also complains about people interfering in her life – specifically Eileen. KIM is calling Eileen’s behavior inappropriate. Oh the irony! Oh the delusion! If Kim wants people to mind their own “bizwax” than she should stop airing her dirtly laundry in front of people!

At Eileen’s read-thru Kim has fun with hand puppets, which is about her maturity level as she makes them drop curse words, and Lipsa is pissy-pout-mouthed over being assigned the role of narrator – after all she is a REAL actress!  Maybe Vince just felt like Lipsa was the most reliable. Lisa plays around with Eileen’s Emmy Statue accepting the award for best Blow Job skills and promising to teach these broads a thing or two – like you don’t perform until after the jewelry has been given! 

Kim Richards is confronted about

In the kitchen Lipsa gently confronts Kim about what is going on. Kim cries about how challenging things are caring for Monty and sometimes she just needs a girlfriend to have fun with, which is what loves about Brandi. Kim says when she used to drink she would isolate herself in times of trouble and she sees herself going back to that place again, but Braandi is always available for support. Even at 2am cause girlfriend is just getting home from the club! 

While everyone is sympathetic and supportive of Kim needing a friend they remind her that she is hurting Kyle in the process – and damaging that relationship. Kyle stands there, face tipped upwards towards the sun, which she swears has the Chanel label etched into it. Everyone rallying around Kyle and defending her is probably the greatest moment of her life. IT’S ALL ABOUT KYLE!

Yolanda takes 72,000 vitamins (does she ever eat real food?) to get through the day, then has her party planners come over so she can design a Beverly Hills scavenger hunt for all the girls.

Then it’s time for Lisa’s surprise party, which was a total surprise. Lisa thinks they’re going out for a birthday dinner. The other girls have meet at PUMP, where Eileen and Lipsa have a powwow and decide they cannot stand idyl by and let the Kim mayhem continue. Something must be done… Grave mistake #LouisVuittonBodyBag

Lisa Vanderpump is surprised!

Brandi rides with Kim and Kathy Hilton and where she complains that Eileen is judgmental because she accidentally thew wine in her face. UGH! Eileen should get over that! And Brandi should get over that at “fifty-f**cking-four” Lisa looks much better than she does now! 

In the limo to the secret party Lisa argued with Ken because he said they needed to make an emergency stop-off at PUMP. But when she got there everyone jumped out, and her reaction was absolutely priceless! Then she spotted Brandi and her immediate reaction was “How’d you make the cut?!” Never change LVP. 

Around the dinner table Kyle is salty and jealous that Brandi is there and snarkily asks Ken why she was invited. Leave it to Kyle to wear pettiness around like a badge of honor, as brazenly as if it were a diamond ring. Brandi looks like she’d rather go on a 31-day cleanse than attend this party and grouses that Mohamed is a robot whose relationship with Lisa is creepy. Then she jumps to stepping as soon as Lisa says boo! They’re all Lisa-bots in the end. Oh the power… the power… 

Brandi sings for her supper

Lisa decided Brandi is gonna have to sing for her supper. Brandi took one of the flowers from the tree and put in her hair, so Lisa strolled by and yanked it out. Then she demanded Brandi sing Happy Birthday to her, because Brandi hates to sing and is terrible at it! 

Brandi takes the mic and howls like a dying cat – but it wasn’t any worse than other Housewives singles. “You say I’m drunk, I say I’m the delightful life of a party. You say I’m a slut, I say I’m getting laid!” 

Afterwards a little Housewives Karaoke erupts (David will not like that – he has dibs on RHOBH sing-a-longs). Brandi has the sour lemon pucker face usually deployed by Yolanda – see all that no food, healthy eating doesn’t really pay off! Brandi wants no part of the “Menopause Mamas” singing the brown-nosing because Aunt Flo still visits her (no Flo is not her secret lesbian lover).

Am I the only person who wants Menopause Mamas & Aunt Flo to become the first ever Real Housewives rap group?! Their first song can be a cover of When I’m 64 (it can go: “Will you still want me if I actually LOOK 64?!”)

Menopause Mamas & Aunt Flo

As the party ends Eileen warns Kyle that everyone is concerned about Kim and wants to get her help. Kyle gets defensive as if she is being accused of ignoring the trials of Kim (which makes me feel sad). Kyle can’t babysit Kim constantly, she has her own life – and Kaftans by KyleneToo to like kaftan. Furthermore when she involves herself too much, Kim gets resentful about being reduced to Kyle’s kast-off. Everyone understands she can’t manage Kim – Kyle DOES have her own life and Kim IS an adult! She warns Eileen that it’s a bad, very bad, idea to try and meddle in the affairs of Rambles!

You’ve been warned Eileen and Lipsa, fortify yourself now – train hard for this mission, watch hours of Escape To Witch Mountain, re-enact countless Dynasty fight scenes – remember Kim learned tennis from Charleston Heston’s pet cougar – put sleeping gas in the sequins of your gowns, have your red bottoms infused with a Life-Alert switch. This will go badly, I fear. Make your will and bequeath all your jewels to me! 


[Photo Credits: Bravo]