Last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta the ladies went to therapy because NeNe Leakes has issues with everyone. Attack NeNe Day is going to be an observed Federal Holiday. Mark your calendars! And Todd thinks Kandi Burruss doesn’t deal…
Phaedra Parks visits Porsha Williams for dinner at Casa de Eviction 3.0 way out in Africa. Porsha opens some bags of frozen stuff and was struggling with the scissors… too bad Claudia Jordan‘s snaggletoes weren’t there to help a sister out!
Porsha is wearing a collar with chain around her neck because she’s a kept-woman chained to the stove? Isn’t Phaedra the one playing 50 Shades of African Chocolate?
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Over wine they discuss Phaedra’s lefty-loosey sit-down with Cynthia Bailey. Everybody knows Peachter and Cynthia have some secrets that weren’t caused by Fibroids. Apparently Apollo’s “secret-spilling” goes all ways and he has told Phaedra many a’tale about Cynthia and Peachter. Not that Phaedra has believed them enough to repeat… yet!
Porsha intimates that Peachter has a lot going on to the left. Then they eat frozen pizzas in the master bedroom.
Kandi looks through a scrapbook about her grandfather Titus, a legendary preacher. She gushes to Todd about expounding on the family legacy of innovation. “With Kandi Koated Nights?” he wonders. Touché! Kegel balls for Jesus, y’all.
Kandi and Todd work on their marriage pros & cons list, per their therapy homework. Kandi wants spontaneity back, like when they were sneaking around behind Mama Joyce‘s back, making out in cars. Todd spends a loooong time mulling over a “pro” and then comes up with “family oriented.” HA! Truth hurts, Kandi!
Claudia visits her Rickey Smiley co-star to discuss trying stand-up comedy. Most people know Claudia as a silent, but pretty TV personality. She was previously well-cast, because every time she opens her mouth, I like her less!
Claudia is tired of being seen, but not heard. Clearly. “I’ve been through a lot in my life,” she explains. “I’ve found that comedy was my way of coping with things and I was able to heal a little bit, and in the process make others laugh.”
Claudia is also tired of girls being demure in entertainment – she wants to be shocking to make people gasp. Clearly. “That’s my kind of comedy.” So I guess her role on RHOA is what we might call “performance art?”
NeNe arrives at Phaedra’s house looking like Bride of Frankenstein, which is not at all ironic considering the monster she has become, while trying to convince us she has a heart and is human too! Even Ayden is giving her side-eye and munching on popcorn, like ‘nom, nom, nom I am HERE for this show Auntie Krayonce!’
As Phaedra confides in NeNe, her hair expands to absorb all this plum gossip and praise. Maybe her brain has started growing outside her head? Maybe she got electrocuted trying to keep Greggum chained in the basement and the cattle-prod backfired? Who knows, chile…
Phaedra is still hurt over Cynthia’s accusations. “Cynthia needs to worry about The Barely Agency and Bar None and leave Phaedra alone!” snaps NeNe. HeHe! Phaedra is also upset with Kandi for not being there and cries about their “disconnect.”
To check-in, Kandi visits Phaedra at her office. Phaedra is all, “Call me Ms. Parks if you’ve been nasty and need an attorney – and call Jesus if you’ve been a bad friend and need to get fixed!” I so need Phaedra to do one of those religious telethons! However, does Phaedra know her slip is showing – literally – a visible bra on an attorney?
Kandi is clueless about why Phaedra is upset with her and hurt she’s turned to NeNe who thinks they need therapy. Phaedra explains NeNe noticed things were frayed when Kandi didn’t immediately leap to her defense against Cynthia and Kenya.
Kandi cries and is all, “Girl, you know nothing gets between me and my food – even a pocketbook and Kenya’s head! Also, I haven’t been getting any Kandi Koated Nights. And my life is a mess, too – obviously not as big of a mess as yours… ” Phaedra gets pissed Kandi is crying over a failed business deal and complaining that NeNe has replaced her, but not confronting the real issue of being an absentee friend.
Phaedra, who has embalmed her emotions, sheds one solitary tear of embalming fluid leakage. “I thought our friendship was tighter.” Tighter like a va-jay-jay after a Kandi Koated Kegel ball? “You didn’t reach out to me either,” Kandi sniffles. Phaedra is shocked Kandi put money before a relationship, yet again, because a shortage of friends is worse than a shortage of money. Phaedra and Todd need a support group for people in a polygamous relationship with Kandi’s bank account – she will always make you the mistress because the almighty dollar is her true love!
Kandi urges Phaedra to be wary of NeNe because of how she’s treated others she has fallen out with. Phaedra and Kandi and decide they’re “good,” but it didn’t seem 100% from Phaedra’s perspective.
Phaedra refuses to attend the reading of Heart of Darkness with Dr. Jeff. “If I never talked to Cynthia again, I could get into heaven,” decrees Phaedra in an eerily pleasant voice. “If she came to me for burial I would refuse her.” Kandi realizes she better stay ride or die (literally) where Phaedra is concerned and slinks away clutching her kegel beads. “That’s not a Christian thing to say,” gasps Kandi. Well Phaedra uses the Lord’s word liberally and where she sees fit.
Then everyone goes to therapy. I am amused Dr. Jeff had a full-on buffet for emotional eating. Basically NeNe thinks of herself as the therapist, instead of also needing therapy.
NeNe is appropriately dressed in a flight suit. Foreshadowing. “Everyone, including you, will talk about the issues. I will hold you to the same standards,” Dr. Jeff prefaces. Porsha is rocking a crop-top like this is 1995 and she’s chasing waterfalls. Well… if the metaphor fits (even when the shirt doesn’t!) – wear it! Claudia has on those giant wooden cross earrings – because Jesus needs another resurrection? Kenya gives NeNe a hug hello and NeNe is chafed by the fakeness – things start off on the wrong foot and never steady.
“I think it’s very negative being around you guys,” begins NeNe, not agreeing the lightening rod for negativity is herself (is that what caused the aforementioned wig?!). It turns into ring-around-the-bitchiness with everyone taking a turn telling NeNe she’s been shady.
Kenya complains that NeNe always has negative intentions. They immediately start arguing while Dr. Jeff tries in vain to interject. Too bad Kenya didn’t bring that stolen megaphone! NeNe, obviously, needs no megaphone. When Dr. Jeff finally manages to interrupt, NeNe barks, “You don’t know me like that!” and says he has no business judging her. Kandi pauses with a piece of chicken, on its way to her mouth, because: definition of therapy!
Kenya is confused because she and NeNe reached amicability, then NeNe literally gave her a cold-shoulder tee the next time they met and has been distant ever since. “I see you very clearly,” NeNe warns her. Dr. Jeff clarifies NeNe was hurt because she initially tried to let Kenya in but was used and stabbed in the back.
Clawdia jumps on the ‘Lets get the attention!’ bandwagon to call NeNe “bipolar.” NeNe yells about how everyone is coming for her. “You’re trying to be important in this situation!” she remands. Claudia is always trying to insert her disrespectful snaggletoes where they don’t belong – and it does seem that she came with an agenda on RHOA.
“Let’s not mix apples and oranges,” redirects Dr. Jeff over Clawdia “diagnosing” NeNe. You mean, let’s not mix the parched with the peached establishment! “We should be very careful with our words,” asserts the frazzled doctor, who should have spoken to Andy Cohen before this impromptu, pseudo-reunion.
The true heart of the matter is Cynthia and NeNe’s disbanded friendship. The issues started at Kenya’s masquerade charity ball, where NeNe argued with Peachter, ultimately calling him a “bitch.” Cynthia feels they never moved on, and blames NeNe because she wasn’t open to having a conversation. “Once the rift started, NeNe just went above and beyond to destroy the friendship,” Cynthia believes.
“It’s all a big-fat lie. You are not a victim,” NeNe explodes to Cynthia. “You have never talked to me about any of this. You’re a mean girl! Found your voice yet?!” Dr Jeff becomes desperate, he grabs for the security phone, then a plastic fork, the EpiPen in his purse for stress-related hives – anything to subdue NayNay who has erupted into battle with FrankenCynthia. “NeNe. NeNe. NeNe…” he repeats, struggling to keep his voice calm.
Everyone exchanges looks, and Dr. Jeff finds a beacon of hope at the pineapple platter – it’s Kandi! He asks how she feels about NeNe and Cynthia. “As a friend you throw people away,” Kandi tells NeNe, adding that she’s standoffish, aka paranoid! Dr. Jeff begins a soliloquy on the intimacy of a close friendship, but NeNe stalks out,”I am not staying here for ‘Attack NeNe Day,'” she announces.
Dr. Jeff chases after her, following her onto the elevator, insisting she’s not being attacked. “I am not going to sit here as if I am the sole cause of these relationships and friendships being the way they are,” NeNe declares. She has a point: Kenya, Cynthia, Clawdia (even Messy-Kandi) have all contributed negativity, shadiness, and mean behavior.
Everyone forgot Porsha was even there; she waited silently as Dr. Jeff called in a 5150 Psych Hold, as Kandi dumped plates of uneaten snacks into her purse, as the cleaning crew scrubbed the chair where Clawdia sat barefoot and vacuumed the shreds of twirl from when FrankenCynthia malfunctioned. The room went dark, “Wait – where am I?” Porsha asked no one.
TELL US – WAS NENE BEING ATTACKED? WILL KANDI AND PHAEDRA MAKE AMENDS?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]