Kenya Moore set her inner-Krayonce aside to find love on the Millionaire Matchmaker. Seriously – there were no Kenyanigans. I was strangely disappointed. As much as I snark on Kenya, I rely on her insanity to keep me indentured to Bravo. I do not need to see her behaving normally. But alas, we all must make sacrifices for love!
There were shocking developments however – Patti Stanger actually made two love connections (!) as she established herself the champion of under-appreciated women in their 40’s and 50’s! Or something like that – I tuned out around the time she described Cynthia Bailey as one of the top supermodels in the world and Kenya’s best friend.
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Kenya has come to Patti as a “last resort” to find love – desperate times call for desperate measures. Kenya’s performance as a raptor who ate the likes of Walter Jackson‘s reputation by forcing him to play her pseudo-love interest on Real Housewives Of Atlanta has left a bad taste in the mouths of men in Atlanta. Men fear the twirl, so they get gone with the wind before they give the fabulous part a chance.
Kenya has been proposed to 7 times, which makes her the Danielle Staub of Atlanta. SEVEN times; “ENGAGED SEVEN TIMES!” (in a Teresa Giudice voice). Patti says Kenya is a “runner” due to her trust issues, related to childhood abandonment. “The men that I tend to fall for, I feel I have to win them over,” Kenya admits.
Patti launches into a therapy session to coach Kenya through being open to a smart, strong, trust-worthy, and Matt Kemp-looking man. Patti blows so much smoke up Kenya’s fake-butt gushing about how fabulous she is… if only she would just let someone in. Sounds like she did… seven times. Unless there are seven other Walters out there! Patti gushes about how amazing Kenya is and all the men in Atlanta must be crazy not to date her … or they watch RHOA. They do have cable in the Peach state.
Cynthia holds Kenya’s hand like this is couple’s therapy. Kenya sniffles that “not long ago” she was in a “relationship” but he didn’t want her. Patti may have heard of him… he’s an African Prince. Oh yes, HIM! Cynthia insists he’s real. Kenya does have a vivid imagination.
We may think Kenya is a danger to herself and others, but Patti thinks she’s a rare and fabulous gem! Now date!
Patti’s other victim is Taylor Dayne, famous 80’s singer and songwriter, and real millionaire! She’s chosen career before love and puts on a perpetual Chelsea Handler-schtick. Taylor takes a break from belting her heart out to tell Patti she wants a funny, athletic guy who loves her kids which she had via surrogate since she hadn’t met Mr. Right by her mid-thirties. Then Patti sings, which I muted – I can barely tolerate her speaking voice…
Touting herself a miracle worker (and I’ve heard more audacious things on Bravo, like NeNe Leakes telling the person she hired to counsel her that he’s not allowed to counsel her.), Patti is looking for hot, middle-aged men, with established careers. For Kenya appearance matters more than money, because she’s a “goal digger” not a gold digger. In truth, I really respected Kenya’s approach to finances – she told Patti that $500,000/year was a lot of money and she certainly isn’t dating someone for their ability to buy a Bentley – she has all the African Princes in Atlanta for that!
Patti plans to save these terminally single women by hosting a Mr. Krayonce pageant to screen potential dates, which are selected with the help of with supermodel Cynthia (because she’s such an expert on finding a great guy). Patti proves that sexual harassment is not just for ladies as she feels men up to confirm their athleticism… for Taylor.
The men walk a runway and answer questions from the panel comprised of Kenya, Taylor, Patti, and Cynthia. Kenya turned Cynthia’s battery pack off, so she just sat there wide-eyed with her vacant CynthiDumb expression. Patti later asked Kenya for the technology.
Kenya chose to wear some curtains re-purposed into a dress, but she didn’t quite have enough material. One guy, who teaches Shakespeare to kids, fake-fell on the runway. After the shock wore off, Kenya dismissed him – clearly she needs to be the center of attention in a relationship. I was most disappointed Kenya did not dismiss rejects with a wave of her scepter. No props!
Patti demands Kenya ask the men when they want kids. If they want to wait 2-years to procreate that’s a deal breaker for Kenya, they must leave the pageant and immediately go to the sperm bank! So, in less than 2-years Kenya is supposed to be married and procreating? Wow! Yet, Kenya tells us she wants an old-fashioned courtship.
When James walks out the sparks fly immediately. James, a Princeton-educated real estate agent, wants children, grew-up in DC, and loves snowboarding. He wins Kenya’s pageant. Sadly, he does not get a crown or sash, but he does get to take her on a date. #ConsolationPrize. Kenya left her other personality, Krayonce, at home with Brandon, to twerk in a stolen wedding dress.
Taylor chooses Joel, a midwestern guy, who has an adult son, and a great sense of humor. In this drama-less episode the dates went fabulously. Kenya does not bring her lady’s maid Cynthia to accompany her and defend her virtue, instead she and James go dancing. Kenya is a dancer – she did have dance training all through school and for her GWTWF video set. Now TWIRL! And James does – he dips her on the dance floor.
Kenya and James continue to flirt and connect over dinner at SUR, because that is the very place where romance blossoms. Kenya pretend reads his palm which determines he will marry a former Miss WHO-S-A and make beautiful children, all born under the auspice of a crown, since naturally pageants brought them together. Kenya is aghast that James is single since he’s so fabulous. Well, she’s still single and she thinks she’s fabulous, so… They seal their date with a kiss. “What else can I be looking for?” Kenya exclaims. “If he’s not it – I give up!”
Taylor’s date begins with chakra reading where they are told they’re meant to be together. I wish they would have stared with What Not To Wear! Taylor’s outfit: jailbird striped t-shirt with cropped palazzo pants and heels?! Regardless, she and Joel totally hit it off and made out at Villa Blanca. Who is she? Brandi Glanville?!
Patti learns both Kenya AND Taylor have made love connections. She’s proud of her ladies for being open and trusting her process.
Taylor and Joel are now in a serious relationship. Kenya and James are still dating. Kenya and Taylor are writing a ballad together about finding fabulosity in their 40s (OK, that’s not happening, but it should!). Patti can sing back-up.
Congratulations Kenya, I truly am happy she found a real, live man – who is willing to be seen with her in public and whom she connects with. Am I the only cynic who thinks this is a showmance she’s hoping to parlay into a spinoff? Lord I can only imagine what a Kenya wedding show would be like… I’d rather watch a She By ShesGettingMarried spinoff.
WILL KENYA & JAMES LAST? IS A WEDDING SPINOFF IN HER FUTURE?