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RHOA recap - Housewives in therapy

NeNe Leakes has left the building! And some real-ish therapy happened on Real Housewives Of Atlanta! Well, as real as you’re gonna get from 4 broads whose occupations are Shadeologists (degree available online at Shade U, an akkredited university), and one broad whose occupation is Denialologist, degree available at MamaJoyce Be Your Guide.com. Oh, and NeNe, well she kept it real NeNe – all the problems aren’t her fault, and Dr. Jeff shouldn’t be allowing everyone to “dump” them in her lap on a plate from the buffet. Well Kandi Burruss would still eat it! 

Therapy is in progress when NeNe up and flees, toting two Birkins filled with her emotional baggage. Dr. Jeff, the yappy Pomeranian on her heels, begs her to return. NeNe’s glowing red transformer eyes accuse him of allowing everyone to blame her for all the issues. It was a conspiracy! The entire first part of the session, was all NeNe, all times. Usually she likes that sort of thing but not when she’s being told what she doesn’t want to hear! 

Dr. Jeff tries to appease NeNe by reminding her that she has so much to contribute. In response NeNe snaps, “You should lose your license!” Dr. Jeff follows NeNe out to her car, counseling her about anger taking her to dark places…  She uses all of her self-restraint not to poke his eyes out, then commands the guards to haul him away and throw him in the viper pit. 

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NeNE Leakes flees RHOA therapy

Dr. Jeff returns to therapy. Porsha Williams is chowing down and Claudia Jordan is guzzling champagne. “Now vipers,” he says, “I see you are very hungry and thirsty, instead of you eating me alive let’s say we try to eat each other.” Dr. Jeff prays to Claudia’s giant cross earrings for his life to be spared if he can convince these women to just get along… and remind NeNe that he’s like a real doctor who so does not need a lawsuit or any other nefarious side-effects. 

Kenya Moore is miffed; she snipes that NeNe lacks the effective communication skills that she – Krayonce of the bullhorn, and the twirl, and the Gone With The Wind Fabulous song, and the constant shadiness – excels at. Kenya, you have effective communication skills and I’m a licensed proctologist (#teabagging!) … Anyway. 

With NeNe’s flight suit in flight, the ladies make real progress. And dare I say it… dare I say it… it was courtesy of Porsha. OH God, I said it! I said it and now I feel woozy, slightly nauseous, and need to lie down. 

Porsha explains everyone pretends to get over an altercation, but they never truly let it go, meanwhile expecting the other person to have moved on. So it stays fake, fake, fake – fake as all the bootys and boobs in that room – and nothing ever changes. 

Porsha Williams gets honest in therapy

I credit Porsha for being honest. Saying this is making me want to call Dr. Jeff, but she didn’t let Kenya and Clawdia rolling their eyes and huffing excuses deter her. It’s all yada, yada, yada… we’re still on WhoreGate – now improved with therapy speak, but then things got real-er!

Dr. Jeff described it as a vicious cycle of “pissing contests” and distributed blame equally, because finger-pointing and cheap insults make all of them look (and feel) bad. 

Kenya, Porsha, ClaudiaCynthia Bailey, and even Kandi put down the chicken skewers and stop skewering. They discussed how their tumultuous pasts contributed to their behaviors, Porsha asked Claudia and Kenya about “coming from the left” to call her a whore in Puerto Rico, because Claudia blamed blamed her for NeNe’s transgression. Everyone offered apologies and dialogue that seemed authentic. Eventually all accepted some onus to the issues – except Kandi, who still is in denial about why Phaedra Parks is upset with her. 

Dr. Jeff hopes in the future they’ll have conflict without losing their dignity. “Even if you argue, maybe it doesn’t have to be so damn ugly!” says Dr Jeff, who is so getting a C&D letter from Andy.

Eh… come on, that was all fake, well for some girls! I mean like six minutes after boo-hooing in Dr. Cheesy J‘s office, Cynthia, Kandi, and a salivating Peachter (still furious that he wasn’t included in the group therapy session for HOUSEWIVES), go shoot pool and rip NeNe because she didn’t fully participate. 

NeNe gets a video message from her RHOA co-stars about therapy

Everyone wished NeNe had stayed because therapy really worked! Kenya suggests they send her a video message explaining how beneficial it was. Kandi films them gushing about the amazing process and they owe it to her. Their PSA ends with, “We love you NeNe!” Kandi calls them fake, because yeah – they are – “This is why she expects y’all to kiss her ass all the time,” Kandi warns. Amen! 

When it was over, Dr. Jeff’s office looked like the remains of an academic fraternity’s party. He sipped some champagne, then calmly instructed his assistant to type up a amended bill for Bravo citing wild animal restraint courtesy of NeNe and the excess food bill. And of course, pain and suffering because really how many times can a man hear pointing-fingers about who called who a whore?

Back at home, NeNe reads through her Broadway script (while wearing Louboutins as slippers???) and releases Gregg from the basement so he can play her personal therapist. She admits anger got the best of her. And Gregg, who must have gotten an top secret email from Dr. Jeff, tells her she missed out on the benefits by leaving. She complains that she apologizes over and over, but it’s never accepted. ALL of the ladies apologize and it’s never accepted – that’s exactly what Porsha said in therapy –  they’re all in a constant pissing contest, with apologies proven insincere because the behaviors never change!

NeNe isn’t willing to have a break-through yet – only buy herself another Birkin to haul around additional baggage. She dispatches Gregg to call Hermes to see if they have a Pod to store all one’s issues, denial, projection, and flight suits. 

Claudia was deeply moved by Dr. Jeff. Realizing her cat doesn’t have a PhD, Claudia books a Skype-session with him to discuss how they can all continue to go forth with love and avoid turning to the dark side. As enticing as Darth Krayonce is! Dr. Jeff proving he is ON Bravo’s payroll suggests a cast trip. Someplace peaceful! How about the Philippines – no one remembers it exists unless they’re buying tchotchke in the dollar store. 

Claudia discusses the situation with Porsha, (talk about Ramen Noodle wig – she had the whole package of noodles on her head) and each lady agrees to discuss the prospective trip with their respective teams. Kandi is in the middle. 

Claudia

Claudia throws the idea out in the middle of a conversation about teabagging. Kenya’s freak number is clearly 1000 while CynthiDumb‘s is -1 (yet Peachter is faithful to his fibroid love!). From teabagging, to tagging, Kenya and Cynthia visit Kandi’s boutique where she agrees to the trip and then decides she’s not gonna reach out to Phaedra, she’ll just wait until they see each other at airport security. No place safer than TSA security, right?! 

Kandi still doesn’t understand why Phaedra is upset with her… “Ahhhhhhhh”… denial is a powerful thing!

Phaedra does have friends though – ones who do have her “best interest in mind” – like Sarah Jakes, daughter of legendary Bishop T.D. Jakes. Sarah comes over for lemonade and a ‘children of preachers aren’t perfect!’ testimony. Phaedra cries real tears of embalming fluid as she admits that she spent most of her marriage phaking and putting on a happy face. Basically it was a Phuneral by Phaedra long before she enrolled in mortuary school. And she’s done some things she’s not proud of… (see RHOA seasons 3 – 6). Phaedra shockingly admits many in the church have judged her and she felt forced to carry on, pretending she was proud of her marriage, but then he proved her wrong, got mean and awful, but you know what – marital strife does wonders for Phaedra’s hair, so there’s that positive! 

Phaedra gets advice from Sarah Jakes

Sarah says marriage should be a sanctuary and a place where you’re vulnerable. Instead Phaedra projected outward. Ala calling her coworker a whore and allowing Apollo to bring her to a place where she was so defensive about his constant lying (Phaedra called it “conning” her).

Instead of going to see Dr. Jeff, Phaedra visited her divorce attorney, who is also her mentor. The first question out of the attorney’s mouth: “Why did you marry an ex-con?!” Phaedra’s answer, “He loved me. And I thought he was a changed man.” Phaedra got phooled, like many a woman before her. Phaedra Got Phooled totally needs to be a TV Movie – or at least a sitcom. Instead we’re getting Life Twirls On starring Cynthia’s terrible accent and wooden acting, as disjointedly produced by Krayonce, featuring Brandon (her twerksistant who stands around emptily), while Kenya barks orders at invisible actors, and forgets to tell the present actors who else was hired – hence Leon’s surprise seeing Cynthia at the table read, held after-hours in a high school cafeteria. 

Phaedra and her divorce attorney

I’d rather watch Phaedra Got Phooled, in which she plays an undertaker who murders and embalms no-good men in the name of vengeance for the women they scorned, then she bathes in holy water and sidles into church on Sunday morning all perfect hat and demure smile. A-MEN-D. 

Oh and Phaedra’s attorney thinks she needs to work out a parenting plan with Apollo before filing for divorce, and also the boys need to visit him a few times before she takes any further action. 

TELL US – DID THE LADIES REALLY HAVE A BREAK-THROUGH IN THERAPY? WILL KANDI AND PHAEDRA WORK THINGS OUT? LIFE TWIRLS ON OR PHAEDRA GOT PHOOLED?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

 

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