Last night the Real Housewives Of Atlanta went happy-happy in the Philippines as they did the “work” assigned to them by Dr. Jeff with Dr. Claudia Jordan acting in his absence (or who knows maybe he was on Skype).
The ladies show up at the airport in good spirits. Porsha Williams had more Louis Vuitton luggage than she has brain cells and negotiating the luggage carousel in heels was like the second coming of Sheneneh. Porsha must look cute because she may meet her future
married African sugar daddy husband at the airport! All the single men would rather endure an endless TSA security checkpoint, than deal with PoorTaste – or her baggage!
Upon arriving at the airport Phaedra Parks hid in her limo cause ‘a Krayonce was ‘a comin! She’s been on RHOA trips before… Despite Claudia’s protestations that the Philippines will be positive vibes, Phaedra declares these women would argue even at the second coming of Christ. Of course they would – because Lord knows all of ’em ain’t getting into heaven!
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Phaedra finally graces everyone with her presence (after Porsha convinces her Cynthia Bailey‘s rabid Krayonce chip was deactivated), but comes bearing bad news: NeNe Leakes will not be attending due to her blood clots. Oh, real tears – of joy – were cried. “I wish her a happy blood clot-less week and I wish us one as well,” Kenya quips, laughing.
After a 16 hour flight (Kandi Burruss came prepared with munitions – she hit-up the takeout before boarding first class) the ladies arrive in the Philippines. The flight was peaceful – no emergency landing required because twirls affected with mid-air velocity. One thing is clear however – Phaedra thinks they are traveling to Iceland, because girl is frosty!
On their way to the resort they stop at McDonald’s – ostensibly to meet Kenya Moore‘s next boyfriend, a Filipino Prince?! (Yes, fries come with the crown!). Phaedra remains on the bus, alone. Kenya did not meet Mr. Right in McDonald’s, sadly – or maybe we just couldn’t see him because he’s invisible.
Then they leave the modern world behind for a dark and scary hell deep in the Filipino jungle – a place where one must use hushed voices, there is no alcohol (or chicken! Kandi starts going into withdrawal), and no nonsense because: it’s DRAMA REHAB IN THE JUNGLE!
Claudia starts by extending the most important olive branch in the RHOA lexicon – bestowing the biggest room unto Phaedra. And no one throws a tantrum. Afterwards the respective teams – Kandi demoted to a team of one where she’s competing in an international eating contest – huddle to strategize safety plans, escape routes, and defensive tactics. However, so far everyone is impressed with both the accommodations and the behavior! And to bed they go!
Phaedra eschewed sleep in favor of a caffeine enema. Apparently it gives you a real boost in the booty – hopefully not literal enhancement because there are enough artificially boosted butts – then she meets Claudia for a peace treaty lunch. Kenya has sent ol’ Scrappy Claws as her envoy of special relations.
Claudia has been schooled in the art of sucking-up and yammers about divorce – something they presumably have in common. Basically, Claudia nervously spilled her guts while desperately trying to pick at anything Phaedra offers her, but Phaedra just silently eats her salad. Seriously, Phaedra was like the vulture while Claudia was a skittish little wren scavenging the decimated bones in hopes of a treat.
When Claudia questions Phaedra about when she knew her marriage was over, Phaedra responds that it’s none of her business, then she spritzes her face with holy water so the glow and protection of Jesus can absolve her of sins and keep the halo firmly in place. Just kidding, actually Phaedra started to tear-up but wouldn’t discuss it because of her sons and she doesn’t trust these ladies – naturally – but she and Claudia leave in a good place, better connected and laughing. Phaedra is glad Claudia sincerely reached-out (me too!).
Kandi and Phaedra meet for pedicures. Kandi’s outfit looks like a tetris game, and ironically, she and Phaedra talked to put the pieces of their friendship back together. They were both hurt over miscommunications, but in the end agreed they’re true friends and true friends stick together. Then Kandi asked Phaedra why she can forgive NeNe for calling her “head doctor” (among other things), but she can’t forgive Kenya? Fair point! Kandi hopes Phaedra can just try and give Kenya a chance.
I am glad to see Phaedra and Kandi work things out – RHOA, NeNe’s meddling, or Kenya’s messiness shouldn’t come between them. Dr. Mary says next time they should be upfront with each other right away.
Afterwards the group takes a yoga class where Kandi can barely stretch around all the biscuits she’s smuggling in her top and then she eventually falls asleep on the mat in a food coma.
Then it’s off to dinner where Claudia decides to assign seats to facilitate growth, communication, and forgiveness. Luckily she also has contraband alcohol and chicken. Gotta give these girls a little incentive! Claudia did not go so far as to seat Kenya and Phaedra next to each other!
Porsha and Cynthia ended up sitting next to each other, however, sharing a cocktail, and comparing booties. “Porsha is fun when she’s let off her leash,” Cynthia jokes which is the most ironic/non-ironic thing that’s ever come out of her mouth. Maybe CYNTHIA is fun when she’s let off her leash?! Someone hasn’t learned about “projection” in therapy!
Dr. Claudia announces that Cynthia and Phaedra should talk. Cynthia, with her clown makeup, offers a lame apology for getting involved in Phaedra’s marriage, then Claudia asks Phaedra to respond. Phaedra sips her soup and requests the next course. <silence> Porsha giggles at Kandi, which erupts into an argument between Kenya and Porsha. Claudia, NuDr. NuJeff, bangs on a glass, yelling for attention, until the glass shatters. “This is MY counseling session!” she whines stamping her bunions. Clawdia does know it’s illegal to impersonate a doctor, doesn’t she?
Personally, I think FrankenCynthia deserves to be ignored until she gets her own brain (and ditches the clown makeup). However, this is a perfect segue for Kenya to leap-in and accuse Phaedra of treating Cynthia the same way she treated Kenya, every time Kenya has tried to have a conversation.
Phaedra admits that even with Apollo claiming he lied about Kenya texting him, Phaedra doesn’t believe it given the things she personally has seen. But, for the first time ever, Phaedra agrees to have a one-on-one conversation with Kenya, woman-to-woman, where they’ll simply hear each other out. Now that Apollo is out of the picture, nothing is stopping her! Hallelujah! Dr. Jeff (and Jesus) did come to the Philippines in spirit to fix it!
After the drama is carried away with the soup course, they laugh while comparing who has the biggest butt and it’s like the fun-loving RHOA of yore. Moral of this story: Never travel with NeNe Leakes (thank the blood clots for that).
Where was NeNe, btw? Why on BROOOOOADWAAAAAY where she was attempting to turn Cinderella into a one-woman show staring NeNe (with special guest NayNay) – basically RHOA 2.0.
TELL US – WILL PHAEDRA AND KENYA FINALLY MAKE AMENDS? WAS NENE SKIPPING THE TRIP THE REASON THINGS WERE SO POSITIVE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]