So when Claudia Jordan was bragging about “doing the work,” I assume she meant to keep her job on Real Housewives Of Atlanta, because that’s the only reason to start drama at a charity event, right? Miss Peace & Positivity of Walmart got janky with NeNe Leakes over a chafing dish of asparagus and Lord she is lucky that NayNay was locked in the Escalade because otherwise that hollandaise would have been all over Claudia’s wig for days!
The ladies have returned from the Philippines and everyone’s like LOOOOOVE! LIIIIIIGHT! We get along! We’re FRIIIIIENDS. Kinda. Until NeNe enters the picture and someone is in the position to get in her face with a pair of chicken tongs! If you had tried that with Kandi Burruss she would have just taken a bite!
Phaedra Parks is hosting a Save Our Sons (S.O.S.) luncheon event which will bring fatherless boys together with successful black men. Everyone is getting along (and Phaedra Parks, Esq. will sue your fake-ass if you cause drama), so all of the ladies are invited. There must have been a dress code imposed because Porsha Williams left her Princess of THOTland ensembles at home – no need to resuscitate anyone in the middle of Arlen Griffin’s speech!
CLICK THE CONTINUE READING BUTTON FOR MORE!
Before all of that, however, Kenya Moore has her own initiative: Cynthia Bailey‘s daughter, Noelle! Noelle is going to a school dance and needs help choosing a dress. Cynthia hopes she can raise her daughter to be smart and savvy so she invited Kenya to administer a little friendly advice. Letting your daughter take relationship or boy advice from Kenya – CynthiDumb really doesn’t have a brain! Although Cynthia and Kenya can certainly teach a girl what NOT to do (or who NOT to marry).
According to Kenya a twirl brings all the boys to the yard, but it’s also a good way to make a gone with the wind fabulous escape. Yes, twirl away from all the fabulous of Krayonce, Noelle!
While Noelle is doing normal teenage stuff, Brentt is NYC with NeNe and Gregg tagging along for “LOOK HOW FABULOUS NENE IS – THE LEGEND IN HER OWN MIND TOUR” (In my mind, NeNe, like Kanye, speaks in all CAPS). Seriously – does Brentt go to school?! Seriously – doesn’t Brentt look exactly like NeNe… pre-plastic surgery?!
While NeNe is cavorting around NYC yelling “I’M ON BROOOOOOOADWAAAAAY, you’re at home!” and tossing her hat-hair (coined “Clorox Hat” by our illustrious commenter Bryan) up in the air ala Mary Tyler Moore, Gregg sets some boundaries for Brentt. Gregg was more or less putting NeNe on the short leash, because let’s be honest – when the clock strikes midnight NayNay emerges. Also Brentt is more mature than NeNe. Obviously.
Todd needs a few boundaries. All the remote control panties in ATL (Where God is apparently from?) aren’t going to control him! (Is this how Peachter and Kenya are controlling FrankenCynthia?!). Todd has been in LA working on his show but is coming home. Kandi is preparing the Bedroom Kandi with a little aperitif of a skin-tight leopard-print dress and a dinner date. That dress – ummmm, NO!
Over dinner we learn Todd is planning to return to LA for a few months because his show got renewed for a second season – also because Mama Joyce is his kryptonite, and apparently so is Kandi’s ovulation cycle. Kandi doesn’t think they should be away from each other for more than 2 weeks – especially if they have plans to expand their family, so Todd suggests she move to LA with him for a few months! And what about that 12-year-old daughter Kandi has? Who?! Then they talk about the fertility specialist because yeah, when you’re not even in the same hemisphere and you’ve got one kid you’re leaving in the care of the dog in order to save your months-long marriage, why not reproduce?! #DrJackieNeedsACameo!
In her office, a blissful Phaedra has washed Apollo out of her hair and is now looking forward and funneling her efforts into doing the work of the Lord … in Gucci. Phaedra is merely a vessel for projecting the vision of God (who is form Atlanta and presumably gets coffee with Phaedra once a week and hires her to draft his PR contracts) and she is more than happy to rise to his good graces! Saving Our Sons commences with a star-studded lineup of speakers who have been successful against adversity. I’m not sure if Phaedra should be responsible for saving anyone… let’s just leave that to Jesus. #FixItJesus However, it was a great event for those boys.
Before we get to that craziness, Kenya is still doing this sit-com thingie with Cynthia playing a Jamaican hair stylist. Cynthia rehearses with Peachter, which involves him admiring her butt’s largess and begging her for “pom pom” (is that code word for money?!).
Cynthia brags that she doesn’t need an African Prince – she has her own Jamaican King! Keep telling yourself that while you await the processing of your application at the African Prince Connection (as run <in my mind> by Marlo Hampton!). For women who love Bentleys but love men who can’t buy them! Or women who love a little mystery meat! Also, this is just an observation: the bigger Cynthia’s butt gets, the dumber she gets.
Cynthia’s acting was SO bad! Krayonce definitely hired her in the Jamaican role to make her look like a fool (shady minx)! If if there is one thing that will make your sitcom’s potential as invisible as your love life, it’s hiring someone whose ability to speak Jamaican sounds like a drunken karaoke version of a Bob Marley song – and wears a knitted Rasta hat purchased from the Venice Beach boardwalk in 1998. That, and making the storyline about yourself and how convincingly you play crazy…
Cynthia’s “acting” was only as horrifying as the rest of the mess known as Life Twirls On (aka Disaster Twirls On). They’re “filming” (one stationary camera helmed by Kenya’s assistant Brandon, who I think she hired from Craigslist) in some cluttered kitschy shop. Then there is a wedding scene around the pool and Krayonce comes running out in a wedding gown wielding a knife and screaming, “The wedding is off!” Why do I feel like this really did happen… except Krayonce wasn’t the jilted bride in real life?
And finally it’s time for Phaedra’s event, which includes her presenting herself to a room full of of adolescent boys as God’s Vessel sheathed in a marching band. Luckily she quickly passed the mic to the panel of experts. The other thing Phaedra did right was quickly escort the ladies into the kitchen where she tasked them to serving lunch because women’s work is to serve men nourishment and enrichment. Now, I definitely don’t think women belong in the kitchen – unless they are women prone to causing drama in inappropriate locales and sullying a person’s reputation, event, and professional good-standing all in the name of some silly beef over lame assignations.
So to the Bunsen burners they go – thankfully they were not required to wear a hairnet. Porsha announces NeNe is on her way from Broadway, which elicits a grimace from Claudia and Cynthia.
Claudia gushes about how productive they’ve all been since doing Dr. Jeff‘s work sans NeNe, so she hopes NeNe doesn’t muck things up. Porsha reminds her this event is “for the kids” so she should keep her priorities on straight. As should Peachter, because while lunch is being served, he grabs the mic to mumble about how the boys in attendance aren’t smart, thus ruining a delicious looking lunch with his attention-seeking verbal diarrhea.
And as the ladies are standing in the lunch service line, Clawdia sics her claws into NeNe about how they had sooooo much fun in the Philippines since they DID the work, but she wants to know why NeNe fled the Dr. Jeff session. NeNe explains she didn’t think it was fair that the session turned into all the ways NeNe Leakes has wronged people from A-to-Z, but Clawdia keeps pressing, until NeNe tells her in a calm voice that Claudia isn’t important in her life and it shouldn’t matter if NeNe walked out on her.
Apparently Claudia fancies herself an amateur therapist now and decides this is the perfect place to intervene on NeNe’s stalwart behavior. Cynthia tries to leap in and complain about NeNe, but NeNe literally turns her back on her and places another tray on the serviette to go out. As Claudia gets louder and louder demanding an answer from NeNe about how she owes them an explanation (why?!) and needs to have a “conversation” (why?!) about her negative attitude, NeNe starts walk away.
At that moment Kenya arrives and surprisingly as Claudia was chasing NeNe across the kitchen whining at her, Kenya reigned her in.
“I’m just NeNe, trying not to be NayNay,” NeNe announces, and she just walks out with Clawdia nipping at her Louboutin heels. Which was the right decision. I’m tired of NeNe not wanting to deal, but in this instance she was absolutely correct to leave. Unfortunately you could hear Claudia and NeNe’s voices squawking in the main room, but by the time Phaedra could escape to get back there NeNe had left the building! All the while Judge Mathis was instructing these boys on how now to let negative environments drag them down (how’s that for juxtaposition!).
Phaedra and Porsha go check on NeNe in the parking lot where she explains that some women, who are not mothers of sons, have no business being there. Inside Claudia is complaining about NeNe when the event coordinator demands they get back to serving lunch. YES!
Was anyone else trying not to laugh that they were having this argument wearing latex food service gloves? Talk about distracting costuming. Was anyone else worrying some gourmet BBQ sauce was about to splash on someones Rent-The-Runway (unless you’re NeNe of the Them Coins and the Checks Cashed, Boo Boo!) then you are Runway My Size Done Right.
You know what though, Clawdia was totally and utterly out of line in every way to come at NeNe when they were volunteering at an initiative to help underprivileged young men make better choices in their lives! Unless Claudia was serving (pun intended) as an example of how NOT to behave, she should have served potatoes and STFU. I wonder if the White House Social Czar, whom Phaedra has on speed dial, was able to administer any advice for making your ratchet frienemies behave at your philanthropy function?
This event wasn’t about Housewives drama – Claudia’s behavior was disrespectful to those boys out there and the speakers. Instead of feeding her ego to get as storyline, she should have focused on feeding those boys!
TELL US -DID NENE DO THE RIGHT THING IN LEAVING? WAS CLAUDIA OUT OF LINE FOR STAGING A CONFRONTATION AT PHAEDRA’S S.O.S. EVENT?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]