Season 7 of The Real Housewives Of Atlanta has come to an end – now we just have to get through the reunion. Can we? Yes, we can… with vodka. As they say: Life Twirls On… and so does the drama!
NeNe Leakes is in NYC for her debut in Broadway’s Cinderella. She’s got Michael Jackson’s sequined underwear on her head as a hat. Is it better or worse than the wig she’s got on underneath? With rehearsals ending, NeNe walks on the Broadway stage for the first time and is spellbound.
NeNe tosses her sequined-granny panties in the air and spins – not twirls – because she made it after all – away from the little town of Athens, away from the stripper pole, away from Wigs-N-Cigs and Krayonce, and onto the Great White Way where it is ALL. About. NeNe. The fans, the name in lights, the billboards on Times Square – all about NeNe. Those other people standing on stage with her? Mere extras in the giant production of life that is NeNe Leakes: The Impressive Adventures of Success As Told By Success Herself: Blooperella! NeNe admits she’s nervous.
NeNe does recognize she can’t run off stage if things don’t go her way, right?
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Truth: It is incredible what NeNe has accomplished. Seeing how intimidating the Broadway stage was put it into perspective what a massive deal this is.
Meanwhile back in Atlanta, Kenya Moore‘s life is twirling on, both the real one and the delusional fake one, each indistinguishable from the other. Kenya hopes NeNe will break a leg in the literal sense, meanwhile she’ll be twirling down a spiral staircase in a wedding gown, breaking other people’s legs in the name of “ART!”
Although NeNe initially invited the ladies to attend her inaugural performance on Broadway, that invitation has been REVOKED because unsupportive people with coming and going clitori are not welcome in premiere establishments such as BROOOOADWAY. Kenya is more than happy to provide an event in Broadway’s stead – she’s invited the ladies to a screening of her new sitcom,
Delusion Life Twirls On.
Kenya does voice-overs for the pilot, and she keeps tripping over her words, I imagine it’s because the script is so gobsmackingly bad that while she’s reading it aloud, she’s shocked she wrote it? Or possibly it’s because VO is much harder than it looks. Kenya takes a thirst break, because as NeNe has made it well-known, bitches be thirsty up in RHOA.
On the other side of town BarNone is closing it’s doors while they relocate. It’s bittersweet for Cynthia Bailey and Peachter. Bitter because there went years of who knows what and countless dollars. Sweet, because now they have a ton of leftover liquor to drink!
They won’t be re-opening until January which means Peachter is unemployed except for his job as an up-and-coming peach-holder, and Cynthia controller number 2. As they dismantle the decorations and muse about how far they’ve come, Cynthia uses this opportunity to talk about NeNe, because naturally. Shockingly the friend contact was not prominently displayed as decoration in Bar One, right next to the giant photo of Cynthia’s face (in happier times).
Since losing NeNe as a friend, Cynthia and Peter’s marriage has grown more solid, unfortunately the trade-off is that her her business and her fashion sense have disappeared! Case in point: she is wearing pants with some sort of kangaroo pouches on the front, all bagging and billowing out like she had them on backwards. I thought she had the fibroids removed… oh wait, she’s still married to Peachter.
Later Peachter gives Cynthia a surprise – he takes her to yet another building to show her yet another business. He’s now the proud owner of a coffee shop called Peter’s Brew. Cynthia is shocked – and worried about how on earth they’re going to afford rent on two businesses, especially when one of those businesses isn’t even open! Cynthia should put a chastity belt on her checking account!
In the middle of arguing about the secret business Peachter kept from Cynthia, the world’s strongest couple is interrupted by a collect call from Apollo Nida in prison. Can Peachter even afford to accept a collect call?! Apollo wastes Cynthia’s money complaining about how Phaedra Parks won’t bring his sons to visit. Cynthia opts not to really comment because last time she got involved she found herself in a “hot chocolate mess.”
According to Apollo his brother will bring the kids, but Phaedra won’t let him – gee, I wonder why. <eye roll> Would you let your two small children visit a prison for the first time without you? According to Phaedra she’s communicated with the warden about coordinating a visit and found out there’s different rules for visitation with children, and it sounded like restricted days. Additionally there won’t be facilities for them to play, or for her to change a diaper, plus it’s not like Kentucky is an Uber ride away – it would be a big trip and Phaedra isn’t sure the boys are ready.
Instead she keeps them home and dresses them in outfits matching her own to subliminally signal that these children belong to PHAEDRA, and Phaedra alone, so she will visit when she damn-well pleases. Or once Pastor Thad performs an exorcism to expunge all evil from the prison and deems it safe and blessed for Phaedra to walk through its doors. Then Phaedra and the boys bake Christmas cookies in their matching outfits. Actually I don’t know what the hell they were doing, but I’m pretty sure Phaedra has never even used her oven
except to hide extorted money from the Feds.
Later Phaedra drills her sons in the ever-important exercise of thwarting off hoes and THOTS. She invites Porsha Williams over for target practice, hands her sons lightsabers and demands they slay-a-hoe like their lives depended on it. Ayden an Dylan did not disappoint. Neither did Porsha.
And in other dramas, there remains Mama Joyce. She decided she’ll keep the new home Kandi Burruss bought her, instead of moving into the old house Kandi gave her, which she destroyed. To celebrate, MJ is having a housewarming party and she deigned to invite Todd. How kind! Todd doesn’t want to go – obviously – and prefers to sip on gin (no juice) from a solo cups – did Kandi borrow it from Claudia Jordan? She will be wanting her glassware returned!
Todd hopes Mama Joyce will apologize for the way she treated his parents, and also be more appreciative of Kandi. Todd must have been drinking Hypnotique or Kenya’s Krayonce parfum because that’s the only explanation for delusion this rich. And we know he’s not getting the riches from Kandi!
Over dinner on paper plates, which Mama Joyce swears she cooked herself, Kandi makes an announcement: Todd’s show has been renewed for a second season and she’ll be temporarily relocating to LA while he works on it. Oh and Riley will be coming too. In response, Mama Joyce looks like she tasted her own cooking – now she has an even bigger reason to hate Todd: he’s taking her bank account, I mean baby to California!
Shockingly Mama Joyce swallows a bitter pill and extends a half-pology, the kind protected on RHOA. She apologizes for saying terrible things about Todd’s parents, but it’s not actually her fault you see, she heard “on the streets” that Todd’s mother was a prostitute and she was just repeating what she was told, So she’s actually only apologizing for repeating gossip – which was wrong – she should have verified her sources first.
Todd does not accept, but everyone else cheers and claps like MJ just announced she won a Nobel Peace Prize for best piece of humble pie. Pfft. Word on the street is Mama Joyce SUCKS. But don’t blame me – I’m just repeating what people have told me. Kandi and Todd need to get her to Dr. Jeff – he’s accustomed to dealing with the difficult, in denial, and delusional!
Claudia was pretty much absent this episode, but she managed to appear at Kenya’s premiere party, held at a haunted mansion far back in the deep, dark woods where the river of denial flows. There, a mock wedding with an invisigroom was held. The ladies weren’t sure why they were there, but a mysterious invitation made using a 2001 version of Photoshop, home-printed on cardstock, informs them to dress to the nines. Phaedra wears a coat, wisely, she needed pockets to stash her taser – Everybody Knows ... you can never be too careful when a Krayonce is on the loose!
The ladies nervously waited for the fun to begin, but no one argued or rehashed the drama from Phaedra’s charity event. Instead Phaedra cooly regarded Clawdia and kept her hand on her Holy Water taser, wrapped in a prayer cloth. Instead they just sipped their cocktails and hoped they weren’t being poisoned – or drinking the Krool-Aid.
Then, descending down the stairs, comes a terrifying sight: Krayonce! She has stolen a wedding dress from David’s Bridal (I’m sure you all saw that on the news – unidentified woman twirls into Boughetto David’s Bridal, tries on dress while wearing butt pads, then goes twerking, cackling and twirling out the door – never to be seen or heard from again… until now!)
Now, the Urban Myth of Kenya, the girl who cried engaged, is coming to a television near you in the form of Life Twirls On. I’ll watch!! For realz. The ladies are here for the pilot screening! One mystery solved, at least. The other: How much of this show is a depiction of real-life events, vs. grandiose embellishment is not.
Kenya has thought of every detail for her mock wedding – there are even custom cocktails for each girl. Claudia’s is called HammerTime for obvious reasons – she beats things to death, and those toes! For Cynthia: The Wakeup Call. For Porsha: THOT On A Hot Tin Married Man. For Phaedra: Big Booty Chocolate-Con Loving Hoe. And For Kandi: The Messy Mama. And for Demetria McKinney: The Invisible Woman, because, the Ghost of RHOA doesn’t need to have actual alcohol wasted on her. (Note: not the actual names of the drinks on the show. )
NeNe got a cocktail in spirit. It was called Ding-Dong The Wicked Witch Is Dead.
During the screening the ladies surprised themselves by laughing and enjoying the show (me too, I confess). The premise: Kenya is a 30 year old virgin, OK, 35, Actually 40 (and not a virgin) but finally at the altar only to discover her groom cheating during the wedding. A scuffle ensues. Krayonce comes alive, wielding a knife. It’s not a horror movie – in fact Claudia says this really happened?!
While chasing the groom and his whore (named Thaedra), Kenya twirl-tumbles down a staircase in a her wedding gown – twirling right into a commercial for her own hair product! I don’t know if I was laughing WITH Kenya or AT Kenya, or even what was going on, but I was laughing and it was every bit as krazy as one would expect. I like seeing Kenya have fun with herself.
After the finale aired Kenya tweeted to let us know her show is coming to television in 3 weeks. She wouldn’t reveal where, (what network) or when we should get the <Nom-Nom-Nom> popcorn ready (Or what Reality Tea’s signature cocktail would be called), but I will most certainly watch Life Twirls On.
Afterward the pilot, the fun twirls on with a mock-reception featuring wedding cake and photo booth shenanigans. A good time was had by all, no fights emerged, and no histrionics. I love seeing the ladies having fun and getting along – hopefully it continues. Sadly, I think that’s as much a reality as Life Twirls On!
Meanwhile, NeNe takes a bow for her Broadway opening night. She gushes being a real-life Cinderealla – and the glass slipper fits her foot, something Clawdia’s Cinderbunions will never experience. Congrats, Ms. Leakes. Although if NeNe is Cinderella, I’m ready for the clock to strike midnight and send her back to her humble roots!
TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE SEASON FINALE? DID YOU ENJOY ‘LIFE TWIRLS ON’?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]