Last night Real Housewives Of Orange County examined statistical means as correlating to the the challenges of a geographical locale. Or something.
In case you were feeling stressed out about the lack of available Real Housewives wines (and other sparkly alcoholic beverages), Heather Dubrow is launching her own champagne,
not to be confused with Fabellini. Appropriately this champagne is named after Heather’s 5-year-old daughter Colette, who leads Heather to drink. Heather commissions a giant champagne bottle-shaped cake, that she is flying in its own seat on a private plane to Napa for the launch party of Colette Champagne. All of the ladies are invited. Lifestyles of the rich and guest role on canceled sitcom hopefully famous!
Literally fell asleep – snoooooze, snore, zzzzzzzzzz, yawn at the thought of another Housewives hawking wine storyline.
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Tamra Judge had an epiphany – she ain’t gonna be bad no more! She meets Heather for a cold pressed juice, where Heather tells her about Napa but Tamra doesn’t want to go because all the ladies hate her. See, this is partially what lead to her to the Lord. Tamra cries because this year has been terrible with her custody dispute
and menopausal hormones and Vicki Gunvalson abandoning her. Tamra needs to get her grove back. Like Vicki has in Mexico. Tamra needs to call Dr. Dubrow to dry up those fake tears with a few botox shots.
At their couples retreat Shannon Beador attends her own fake funeral. Which is definitely a first for Housewives! As part of the marriage counseling Shannon and David have to fake their own deaths and read eulogies they wrote for each other. David cries so Shannon truly believes he’s remorseful, then Shannon sits on “Surprise! David’s Not Dead’s” lap to tell him she’s determined to get over his cheating and refuses to fall prey to the 70% divorce rate statistic of Orange County.
You know, the statistic that Meghan Edmonds and husband Jimmy are about to be joining. After a mere 4 months of marriage Jimmy acts like he can’t stand his wife. They go furniture shopping because the house they live in was decorated by Jim and his second ex-wife so Meghan wants to put her own stamp on things. Other than writing “Meghan Wuz Here 4Eva” on the bathroom wall with Sharpie. Jim snaps at Meghan about how everything is over-priced, then plops down on a sofa and ignores her while she whines about how he spends half his time in St. Louis.
What is up with these two! I can’t keep track of Jimmy’s exes – or Meghan extolling his virtues about how much he loves her while he ignores her and condescends her. I question this girl’s taste both in men, mansion decor, and fashions.
In other questionable decisions, Shannon and David return form Couples Therapy-Lite to confront their daughters about the amazing weekend they spent reconnecting and pretending the affair never happened. One of Shanon’s daughters found David’s phone and read texts from the mistress, which is devastating. Yikes. As part of the therapy, David apologizes to each daughter, while Shannon glares and counts lemons.
It was awkward and odd. While I commend Shannon and David for being open about their marital struggles, I thought involving their daughters was too much reality.
Afterward the apology summit Shannon she does a shot of the holistic, wheat-free, yeast-free, free-range, anti-exigent, yack-composted, non-corrugated, cruelty-free vodka Dr. Moon gave her. It’s actually compressed air with nitrogenized alcohol. Then they decide to go to Disneyland – the second happiest place on Earth after Shannon’s magical-mystery land of delusion.
Since “ole” is Mexican for “Woo Hoo” and Vicki’s spirits have been revived by fine Mexican tequila and bar-dancing, she throws a Mexican fiesta before Brooks undergoes another round of chemo. Vicki invites all the girls. Yes, even Tamra. Because they haven’t spoken in 6 months and Tamra is shocked when Vicki calls to invite her. Catching up, Vicki tells Tamra about Brooks’ chemo, and in the background Eddie makes a “bullshit” cough. Classy.
Tamra agrees to attend to the party because, although their friendship is more divided than a peeled orange, they can’t quit each other. Frankly, these two really are like sisters and although they are as dysfunctional as the day is long, and they may temporarily separate, they’ll never become part of that 70% divorce-rate statistic. Hell, Tamra will eventually move in with Vicki, and they’ll throw senior girls nights on the lanai with cheese cake and peach schnapps. Yes, I have watched far too much Golden Girls in my day, and no, I am not ashamed.
Vicki is excited to be having her first party which acknowledges Brooks as her live-in man. Vicki hates living alone; she’s always lived with someone: her parents, then her first hubby, then Donn, Briana, now Brooks. Basically, Vicki adopted a Brooks instead of a dog or a cat, which is a shame because a dog or a cat is likely more loyal and less likely to shit on your expensive things or scratch at your expensive friends.
Unfortunately Vicki’s party was the most awkward party in the history of OC parties. Heather brings Meghan and her friend Katie Hamilton, who was supposed to be a HW but dropped out of filming because of her own marital issues #OC70PercentDivorceRate. Shannon and David are trying to play-act the lovey-dovey couple because if they act like it’s true, maybe it will be. But as soon as Shannon walks into Vicki’s party she starts wailing VODKA – VODKA? Where For Art Thou Vodka? #NoProblemsHereFolks! Then she clusters awkwardly near David watching his every move like a hawk. Everyone notices something is off with Shannon – she may need to take acting classes from famous actress Heather Dubrow.
Vicki bops around, tequila-buzzed, and gushing about how Shannon and David have a glowing aura around them. Shannon reveals that Vicki knows about the affair but is the ONLY one of the women she’s told. Foreshadowing…
When Meghan wanders over to introduce herself to Shannon, she recognizes David as the guy who kept ordering her shots at Heather’s groundbreaking hoedown the year before. Hoe-down indeed thinks Shannon, giving Meghan the evil eye Dr. Moon installed in her purse as a talisman to ward off hoochies. Shannon is icier to Meghan than vodka on the rocks.
Lizzie Rovsek attends and is far too normal for this group save for the Muppet she has skinned to re-appropriate into a coat. Jeana Keough also made an appearance and we are reminded of the time pre-saved Tamra flung wine in her face, but that’s all forgiven now!
And then Tamra arrives. Brooks, the “man of the house” answers the door and Tamra is not impressed. Tamra grills him about chemo, then they bond over how beans make them fart. Shockingly, that is the most natural conversation at this party. Tamra is bizarre – behind Brooks’ back she trashes him something hefty bag, but to his face she seems to genuinely enjoy his company and get along with him. Shockingly Heather has the most refreshing attitude about the entire thing: if Vicki and Brooks are happy – leave them alone.
As they all sit-down to dinner, Brooks the no-equity man of the house stands to say grace, as Vicki looks on googly-eyed. I suppose as leader of the house, the toilet is his throne? #BeansBeans…
But alas, Brooks must take more whacks than a piñata, and naturally there is a piñata. Piñata is Mexican for SHOTS. Vicki makes all the girls take swings and we learn an important lesson that Christian Louboutin platforms do not mix well with assault
– is this why Tamra found Jesus: to save her shoes? Finally, Meghan, a tall drink of something (whiskey), ditches her shoes and takes charge. With her killer arm and pent-up aggression she decimates the piñata in a couple precise whacks. Again, foreshadowing.
While Meghan is wailing on the piñata until it is smithereens vaguely resembling Jimmy’s soul-mating, respectful, amazing, love-drenching face, Vicki and Tamra are quietly holding hands in the corner. Shannon is not impressed and wonders how can Vicki so easily forgive. Heather is accepting – she’s been down this road before, so she just ignores TamRicki in favor of scooping up the best goodies from the broken piñata: the one or two lone mini bottles of Cristal.
Once everyone leaves, Vicki and Tamra reconnect on the grotto. Tamra believes they never recovered from the night at Heather’s name-change party and the infamous fight over Brooks, but it’s time to let-go. Vicki demands Tamra stop talking about her man, and they promise to be there for each other and be real friends again. After all, Vicki marked her territory when she peed on Tamra’s bed! We are taken back through a manage of the many, MANY faces of Tamra and Vicki over the years, because what’s RHOC without soul mates? Sorry Meghan – I’m not talking about you and Jimmy. TamRicki 4 Eva.
TELL US – WILL VICKI AND TAMRA LIVE ANOTHER DAY? WILL SHANNON AND DAVID SURVIVE THE OC DIVORCE RATE STATISTIC?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]