The ladies of Real Housewives Of New York are lucky where psychics are concerned. They generally get the nice sort who pass along good vibes and communications with loving husbands from the beyond. Unlike oh, say, Allison DuBois or that psychic popstar friend of Tamra’s who predicted Brooks was faking cancer! Anyway, last night Carole Radziwill hired a medium, who found her self mediating between Ramona Singer and Dorinda Medley‘s World War John.
“They needed that,” the woman remarked calmly as Ramona and Dorinda held each other and cried after their blow-up. This woman needs to be making more appearances on Bravo.
However, we begin with psycho facialists. Sonja Morgan is getting human skin cells spread on her face, since placenta is too expensive to buy on the black market! Sonja needs to hook Yolanda up with Satoko!
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Skin cells remind Sonja of semen, which Satoko hasn’t considered bottling. THAT might be a business venture Sexy Sonja and her Sexy J could find success in! Instead Sonja reveals her upcoming birthday party (which she forgot to send out most of the invites for), to will have reveal a new business venture she’s been keeping top-secret. Sonja has her intern sift through the RSVPs and is shocked that Bethnny Frankel hasn’t replied. Sonja assumes that means Bethenny will show up. Either way, no RSVP or showing up – it’s all bad manners. Like that’s ever stopped B!
Sonja hopes Bethenny will be there since she encouraged her business endeavors and served as a mentor in the past. Oof to famous last words…
Ramona will be attending. Despite her drama with Sonja, they’re still the worse-half of each other’s hearts. Naturally Dorinda with her +1, the very extra John will also be there, since he’d show up to the opening of an envelope. Or a bra party – gotta hoist those moobs! #TheBro
In the West Village, on a tiger-striped sofa from Lee Radziwill‘s past (seriously – this sofa has gotta be a useful metaphor somehow), Carole hosts a medium to channel her friends’ dysfunction. Dorinda is ecstatic. Bethenny is difficult and dragging the entire Skinnygirl retinue with her in party favors. Jules Wainstein is Jewish (didntya know?!), and therefore ineligible to be channeled, but she wants to impress her new friends.
Oh, and Ramona is very rudely late. Bustling in, interrupting the flow, plopping down while chattering. Incredibly, she was not the most obtrusive or unwanted guest. “These are my friends,” Carole sighs as Bethenny visibly and rudely snubs the very endearing medium by Facebook scrolling.
The medium tells Jules that something from her past will make her a role model to others. For Dorinda she sees a John on top of a John on top of a John – and no, it has nothing to do with brothels or Andy Cohen‘s fantasies, or even the present John in her life – it’s her father, her grandfather, and her brother who are all named John! Then the medium sees two Rs – one for Richard (Dorinda’s late-husband), and one for Robert (his brother).
“Richard” warns Dorinda that John does not provide emotional security, and that their relationship won’t last. Also, she won’t marry him. “Thank god!” interjects Ramona. Dorinda erupts like Mount Vituperous. She demands Ramona stop with the negative comments and acting like a bitch. As the two go at it, Dorinda snaps “Where’s Mario?! Oh, that’s right – he left you for another woman!” DAMN, DO! DAMN! Ramona may have started it, but Dorinda finished it.
Ramona immediately wants to change the subject, since focusing on anything unsavory about Ramona is not in Ramona’s wheelhouse, but Dorinda keeps pushing.
Meanwhile the medium just peacefully mediates between the ladies, encouraging them to get it out there. Then she tells Ramona she’ll get married again and communicates with Ramona’s father, whom Ramona despised, only making peace with him a week before he died. The medium mentions a photo they took – the only one an adult-Ramona has ever taken with her father.
She also meets up with Bethenny’s father, who warns B that she’s looking more and more like her mother (OUCH!) and that she won’t get married again. That’s it for Bethenny, she stomps out the door. Poor Carole got lost in the shuffle and didn’t even get a reading. Then ventured over to Jules‘ apartment to hear about the ghosts of her past.
Jules, Jules, Jules… you know, I like her. Obnoxious comments about money aside – which I think she makes as a defense mechanism, because she’s clearly a woman who is uncomfortable and slightly regressed – is so flustered by Carole’s presence she admits she can’t boil water. In a microwave. Is this an affect Jules has created – acting ditzy – or is she genuinely the overwhelmed sort?
I imagine ‘Cool Carole‘ with those watching eyes, warily observing, made Jules feel a little judged and edgy. Not that I think Carole was doing it on purpose, but Carole is “writer girl” and a writer is always watching. Except for me – I’m more the spastic-as-Jules sort, especially in the kitchen, where it’s The ADD Chef (Coming soon on Bravo! SAAAAARCASM).
Anyway, once Jules figures out the microwave is not the oven, nor the Sonja Morgan Toaster Oven with the clearance tag still attached, nor that tube sticking out of the the hole in the countertop, she and Carole retire to the mismatched sofas and consciously ignore the carb buffet spread before them. It was like some sort of mind game, each of them wiling the other to crack and eat a macaroon. F–k I was about to go through the 4th-dimesnon to break the tension by eating a breadstick.
With all that food literally staring them down, Jules admits to 12 years in remission from her eating disorder. She hopes to inspire others that you can get through this and live a normal life. Carole feigns support, but then comments in the confessional that Jules clearly has food issues – lots of them, which is why she’s always putting out so much food.
Yet to Jules‘ face Caorle, who has left Baby at home and Adam in Ethiopia, and therefore has no one to mother-smother-hover-over starts counseling Jules on develping an advocacy plan. Carole suggests writing a book – she knows a good ghostwriter!
Meanwhile Dorinda and the lump of turtitude she unconvinces herself she loves, takes her out to dinner and pisses her off by talking shit about Ramona. Dorinda keeps instructing John to move forward, but he just wants to prove he’s not to blame for everyone hating him. Except he is. So Dorinda tells John, and his glasses with strobe lights on them, to catch an Uber back to Queens. Then she storms out, tossing her wrap over her shoulder. Well that’s a way to make an exit!
Dorinda confounds me – it’s like she can’t admit to herself that she doesn’t like John either and all the things her friends say about him are true. Instead she digs in her heels and goes overboard defending him. Bethenny is right, she is always trying to sell John, but to herself! Seriously – the dude was wearing glasses with HAZARD LIGHTS on them – it is literally staring Dorinda in the face that he’s social destruction. She needs to BASTA that relationship and ask Luann de Lesseps to find her a UES-appropriate rebound fling.
Oh speaking of Lu, poor Lu – this season everyone is dumping on Lu like a pirate dumping her on the beach come sunset. She just wants to have fun, but everyone want to drag her down to their uncool levels.
As Sonja is prepping for her birthday blow-up, Bethenny is pretending thousands of people have lined up in the rain to sample her Skinnygirl schlock out of a rented food truck. Then she lectures her employees (and us, vicariously) about the amazingness of their own success, until their eyes glaze over and they mentally lie down in oncoming traffic.
Sonja’s secret business has been marinating in the toaster oven of her imagination, but now it’s ready to be served on a platter to an Astor or a Skinnygirl. Now that she can finally prove it’s real – unlike her 65 million other ventures, like the designer dinosaur fossil jewelry, and Nigerian perfumed soccer jerseys, or was that soccer teams for cats, or hats for headless horseman, and sanity charms for Kelly Bensimon… anyway, this one exists.
Sonja straps on a jumpsuit that makes her boobs look lopsided, and gleefully swans around her party mingling and mixing. Her business partner is a familiar face – he once attempted to open a restaurant with Ramona, but that sunk spectacularly. Now he’s glommed onto Sonja in her vulnerable state of Mary Tyle Moore-itis, aka, trying to prove to the world that she can make it with her smile.
Ramona being Ramona channels her jealousy that Sonja and Lu have grown quite close, by reigniting her constant bitching about Lu. She regales everyone with the tale of Luann and the re-gifted birthday necklace, adding to the story that the cheap Countess Collection jewelry gave her a rash, so she can’t wear it anyway. Speak of the devil because in the middle of Ramona’s story, in walks Luann. Sonja leaps up to greet her.
Luann is already pissy at Ramona for blaming her for Sonja’s escalated drinking and calling her a bad influence all over town, so Luann pulls Ramona aside for a friendly confrontation. Luann reminding her of the Pinot Singer years where she Turtle Timed and hauled a Birkin full of Pinot everywhere she went, but Ramona has conveniently blocked those things out – as she often does. Apparently that doesn’t count, but the brothel Luann is running from Sonja’s upstairs does, and also all the menz she’s dragging home. Didn’t Ramona hook up with a random during last season’s cast trip?! Ramona needs to check herself before she wrecks herself. Oh wait, Ramona is the Titanic of manners.
While all this going down, Jules pulls MichaelD2 over to act as an eavesdropping shield. Too funny, but miniMike being Jules’ cover for anything is not gonna pass.
Before the dust from that argument has even settled, Dorinda – smirkily – informs Lu that Ramona was complaining about her gift, or re-gift rather. Ramona is livid, yells at Dorinda, but then resumes telling the tale of the re-gifted necklace which was certainly was no monogrammed designer bag! Luann scoffs that Ramona is rude and ungrateful. Ramona – rude?! Ramona – ungrateful?! Never!
All this talk of presents has Sonja wondering where her birthday gifts are. In Ramona’s purse lies a re-re-gifted Countess Collection necklace, that may give you hives, and does little to curtail your bad manners despite the etiquette infused inside it’s crystals, but it will certainly leave you in friendship tangles!
Sonja interrupts all this Ramona–Luann bickering to focus the attention where it belongs: The many-evolving businesses of Sonja J Morgan – the businesses change as often as the men, and the party favors may be the false eyelash glue stuck on your face the next morning.
Sonja’s big announcement is the unveiling of her new Tipsy Girl prosecco. Sonja loves prosecco and has always wanted to launch one. Her partner chose and trademarked the name pre-Sonja, but she feels it’s a perfect fit for her and her brand of tipsy, life of the party, fun. Luann is thrilled for her friend and praises the cute name. Ramona is aghast that Sonja is now in the liquor business – as if she needs any impetus to drink!
If Dorinda is the lady doth protests too much, Ramona perhaps the lady doth project too much!
Only Jules realizes there’s a potential conflict of interest brewing – doesn’t Bethenny have a prosecco? Doesn’t Bethenny own the rights – legally, emotionally, and hubristically – to all things ending in “girl”? She’s also been trying to obtain control of “skinny,” but you know there’s a debate about whether she borrowed that – according to John, anyway.
Dorinda can’t imagine Bethenny will care since she’s “the ocean” while Sonja, with her bubbly, is “a little pond” – there’s room for everyone, so she is happy for Sonja. Sonja may be on a champagne buzz for now, but next week the Big Ole B is back to pop her bubbles!
Even if it is a slight infringement over Bethenny’s brand, there’s a ton of ‘Skinny’ products out there, yet Bethenny’s became uber-successful due to her handwork and dedication. I believe the real reason Bethenny is pissed is because she wants to prevent other liquors from being promoted on RHONY. Notice we haven’t seen much of Ramona Pinot this season or last. Notice how the vodka Luann planned to launch has never gotten any air time – and oh, what a coincidence, Bethenny now has severed ties with Lu as well…
TELL US – IS TIPSY GIRL A GOOD FIT FOR SONJA? WAS THE MEDIUM LEGIT? DOES RAMONA HAVE RIGHT TO BE PISSED OVER HER ‘REGIFTED’ NECKLACE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]