Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: Hold Onto Your Heart

Last night someone on Real Housewives Of Orange County was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Of course that’s not surprising. At. All. But what is surprising is that Kelly Dodd claims it was her husband Michael, former COO of a massive company, who was the afflicted. Are we sure Kelly didn’t misread something? After all, she is Vicki Gunvlason Jr. – and we know how Vicki happens to misread medical documents! 

Oh last night was a doozy. Everyone is on a yacht with Vicki fauxpologizing to Heather Dubrow about her presumed role in the Brooks assumed cancer scam. Obviously this conversation went on and on, but we got like 4 disjointed snippets of Vicktim pretending she has no idea why the women are angry with her after she admitted to seeing “red flags” but reacted by yelling, “Buy my cancer juice! Love my boyfriend! I Do! I DO! I DO! I DO! Oh wait – there’s no altar, but I do see a cross! I’m persecuted like Jesus! WOO HOO!”


Heather gets an apology from Vicki

What Heather and the women want, actually, is Vicki’s blood. I’m pretty sure it runs thick with insurance premiums and love tank fumes, so… They want Vicki to admit that, YES!, she did nothing about the red flags, and YES!, she is sorry she tried to feed them lines of sweet Southern Kool-aid hoping they would repay in kind with a lil’ Tater Tot Casserole. And that it’s OK for them to be angry, because even if Vicki wasn’t “in” on Brooks scam – she was in on being duplicitous to her friends (and her daughter), therefore everyone has a right to be mistrustful of her and not immediately move on. Vicki may have swept her entire kitchen up, thrown it in the trash to get rid of any remnant of cancer-curing juice, and decided to ‘move on’ – but her friends – they ain’t ready, and she’s got to respect that and ADDRESS it. 

Unfortunately, the best they’re gonna get out of Vicktim is precisely what Heather got: Vicktim sobbing that she loved Brooks. Part of standing by her man meant not questioning him, so she was the ultimate ‘dupe’. Vicktim is intentionally NOT entertaining being accused of being IN on that duping. Her grovels are hollow. 

Realizing just how disordered Vicki’s thinking is, Heather goes Stepford Wife. She plasters on a forced smile, then thanks Vicki for coming, because she is “fond” of her. 

Back at the table Jeana Keough chastises Tamra Judge for not being more supportive, knowing how Vicki’s love tank was broken by Brooks. Tamra is all well, I found Jesus, and my bible don’t say nothin’ about forgiving the fool! Shannon Beador‘s eyes are hard shards of animosity and fury, inside she chants, ‘When you look at Vicki see David. When you look at David see a crystal glowing with love.” Heather breezes back to the table offering dessert, but no one’s biting. 

Vicki just wants love and happiness

Vicktim sobs all the way home, because the women don’t respect her or have compassion for her broken heart. Well at least that was sincere! 

While all this was unfolding, Kelly watched, glassy-eyed and frozen smile, she saw something in Vicki that she sees in herself: brokenness. Forced fun. Whooping to mask your drooping – spirit that is. So she invited the old gal to lunch!

Meghan King Edmonds warned Kelly that Vicki is toxic; fun on the outside, but all rotten and stringy on the inside – like bursting open a piñata to discover broken vodka bottles, expired condoms, and a few pieces of candy calcified from the sugar melting, leaving it stuck to its cellophane wrapper. Yet Kelly sees something different in Vicki – and she’s gonna put Brookedly Crookedly Dumpity Love Tankededy Rickety Vickety back together again! 

Vicki is ignoring her love tank, for once, to repair Coto Insurance, which suffered as a result of Brooks. Go figure… 

At home, Kelly lets her 5th grader chug cough syrup straight from the bottle, then forces her to go to school – even though she claims to be sick. Jolie may be getting bullied at school – something unfathomable to Homecoming and Prom Queen Kelly – still she demands Jolie “suck it up” (and chug it down!), and get to school. Kelly’s husband Michael is against it. Both parents had a point, but this poor child is definitely contending with some dysfunctional familial dynamics.  Kelly gripes that Michael, now retired, thinks he’s COO of the family, but he’s not – she is! Something seems ‘off’ with Michael’s retirement. Isn’t he a little young? He’d rather sit at home with KELLY, than work? 

Speaking of “off” – Tamra’s son Ryan is still a mess. Maybe we should set him up with Vicki – she’s lonely and loves being a sugar mama! Ryan and Sarah are separated, fighting on instagram, and worse – Sarah is living in the house Tamra paid $8k for them to rent, while Ryan is an apartment. So, despite them being able to afford neither, they are paying for both. I think it’s implied TAMRA is paying for a sizable portion of everything!Eddie & Tamra argue about Ryan

Sarah insists on keeping her OC lifestyle portrait in-tact – albeit with Ryan out of the picture. All the better to meet a for-real rich man, right? Tamra is frustrated because Sarah considers her a friend and confides all about the horrors of Ryan, which Tamra does not want to hear. So she says…

Eddie is annoyed when he learns Tamra is, again, meddling in Ryan and Sarah’s mess. He wants her to disengage and stop giving them money – after all, they were never even repaid for their $8k loan. Tamra complains that Eddie heartless because he never had parents who loved him, being adopted, and since his only child was Astro-Disastro, he doesn’t understand nurturing. Didn’t Tamra claim her parents were so awful she attempted suicide and got pregnant to escape? Eddie, meanwhile, seems to have a good relationship with his adopted parents. Eddie understands “enabling” perfectly – too bad TAMRA doesn’t! She needs to stop believing Jesus and weight lifting are substitutes for therapy.

Heather & Terry family vacation

Heather continues complaining that Terry works too much – because how else is her vaycay to Turks and Caicos gonna be paid for? Or her wardrobe, where even her underwear is labeled “Chanel,” or the 22,000 square-foot house with the champagne fountain and porte cochere? Or the nannies? Terry isn’t necessarily a workaholic, so much as a famewhoreaholic.  So long as TeeVee jobs keep presenting themselves, he’s gonna take them! Heather is bothered because Terry barely sees the kids, and decides it’s quality not quantity – a diversion for her since she usually demands both quality AND quantity – so off they go on a family bonding vacation. 

There, they shove the kids in ChildWatch to have dinner on the private balcony served by Alistair, their personal valet. Suddenly the kids call from below, “Mother? Father? Wherefore art my dinner? Wherefore art my love?” Heather and Terry toss some chocolate covered strawberries down, yelling “Catch!” Terry sighs that this parenting thing is hard and demanding, then admits he doesn’t actually miss his kids while working nonstop, although he feels bad, only because he knows he should. And this folks, is how you end up with a Vicki “Please Fill My Love Tank” Gunvaslon! Or Coco – who is a straight-up ballbuster at aged 6. (I love Coco).

Personally, I think the Dubrow lot will all turn out fine – they seem to feel his love, even if Terry isn’t handing it out as frequently as he does boob jobs. 

Vicki & Kelly bond

Kelly and Vicki have lunch and discover they have so much in common: wine cures all ails, they’re both 5’8, shoe size 39, but most importantly they’re both “whoop it up girls”. Vicki sensed this with her “Whoop It Up Radar”, which is how she ended up with a Southern Friend Affirmation latched onto her teat until she fixed his teeth, then he bit the hand that fed him! Well, Kelly is happy to oblige in a little whooping up – and I do believe these two wacky broads have a legit connection. Woo Hoo!

In unlegit connections Shannon and David celebrate Valentine’s day. Shannon pours the agave on thick about how much she loves David and she is OVER! OVER! the affair. Their romantic meal consists of David discussing how he spent 45 minutes pooping pre-run, then handing Shannon a necklace purchased on the Venice Beach boardwalk for $15. It was one of those weird beaded shell souvenir type things.

David gives Shannon an ugly necklace

Shannon did a wifely thing of pretending it was gorgeous while gagging inside and chanting, “This does not mean he’s up to something. This does not mean he doesn’t know me. This does not mean he doesn’t value me. This does not mean he doesn’t understand me.” She promptly schedules an emergency “centering” session with Dr. Moon,’ then orders a colonic with a broken tube which she’ll administer to David to reaffirm his love. Maybe she’ll even shove a few broken necklace shards up there. Don’t worry – Shannon is OVER the affair! If Shannon is so happy and re-in love why does she look 75 and puffy?  David looked like he was on a date with his mother. What is up with her too-light makeup and granny gumption hair? Shannon looked fabulous the season she hated David. An intrinsic sign that her marriage is not healthy?

Meghan is remodeling her kitchen. Meghan believes she has exemplary taste even though she’s married to Jim and her house looks like a Pier One Imports. She invites the ladies over for a demo party, because late at night while Jimmy fondles candles, she watches a lot of Property Brothers. Shannon wears a tool belt and hardhat, because she’s married to a “contractor”. Everyone else was dressed to do lunch, which ironically, is what happened after they spent 10 seconds jabbing at a small section of wall using a Fisher Price hammer and a nail file. Post champagne. Which Kelly went hard at too. Shannon got pissy because one shouldn’t operate heavy machinery under the influence of alcohol – does that include colonics? And parenting? 

Then, with merely the paint chipped off, despite Kelly going savage bananas, they scarf some pizza and complain about Vicki. Of course, the other women are fixated on knowing if Vicki talked ish about them to Kelly. 

Kelly wonders why the ladies hate Vicki so much, prompting them to explain that she wanted casseroles for cancer, but there was no cancer, and therefore NO CASSEROLES! Why are they all so fixated on Vicki wanting casseroles? That’s odd. I think a major issue was Vicki avoiding dealing with her mom’s death by conflating it with Brooks – and the women are sort of glossing over this too in order to fuel their unifying indignation over The Horrors Of Vicki. This doesn’t excuse Vicki’s behavior, obviously, but it’s prescient to the situation at large.

Anyway, Kelly purses her Mrs. Potato Head lips and lectures Shannon for icing Vicki out, then complains that the women ganged up on Vicki. Kelly knows all about being ‘excluded’ by mean girls. Kelly thinks they need to butt out of Vicki’s love tank, but rally to support her broken heart.

Instead Tamra tries to blame Vicki for her divorce from Simon, which Tamra is misrepresenting. Kelly wonders about the divorce, and Tamra reacts by crying into her salad that she hasn’t seen her eldest daughter for two years. Kelly pretends to be sorry, covering her mouth to hide her smirk – but good luck hiding those massive molded lips!

Kelly shares all about her marriage

Casually waving a slice of pizza, Kelly relates by totally decimating Michael. She tried to divorce him, but he refused to let her – wouldn’t sign papers or pay child support, so she stayed because it was easier. While separated for 2-years, Kelly actually got engaged to another man! Yikes, if this is true! Then Kelly shares that Michael was diagnosed NPD and is beyond help, so she just has to hang onto his money while hoping he has a tragic accident, or something? This girl is OUT. THERE. 

The other women are gobsmacked, which totally threw them off the scent of Kelly’s budding relationship with Vicki. This Kelly… she’s crafty, no? She hit THE PRESSURE point to disarm Tamra instantly. Lil one-on-one time with the producers Vicktim filling her in on all the deets? She also managed to twist Shannon all up into a bumbling pretzel. Shannon asks if Kelly loves Michael, but she replied that he’s a “nice person” instead. 

Shannon & Tamra are shocked

Somewhere, deep inside, this hit a little too close to home. Shannon stumbled away from the demolition day, forgetting the hardhat which was supposed to keep her safe. In the car, Depak Chopra on the stereo, Shannon reminded herself that they are leaving the house whose crystal walls trapped all the hurt inside, and starting over somewhere fresh, new; somewhere centered around love – and intimacy. Smaller rooms, less pretense, less secrets. The love will not get lost in the organic compost pile sifted into someone else’s heart, or recycled alongside the vodka bottles. Yet Kelly’s non-answer about loving her husband and staying married because it was easier, that hit the home inside of Shannon that she can never lock the door and walk away from  – her heart. Like an acupuncture needle puncturing the injured spot, hot and poignant, it drove that hurt home. 


[Photo Credits: Bravo]