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Real Housewives of Orange County recap

Yeah, I don’t care how much Kelly Dodd annoys the bejesus out of me (and probably Tamra Judge‘s sculpted patootie), Shannon Beador set her up at her 70’s partaaay. Which was not necessarily OK. And it was, well, ugly. Honestly, I think most of us, the Real Housewives Of Orange County ladies included, are gonna pretend Shannon is innocent on the principal of their dislike for Kelly, but the double-teaming of Jaci and Nina, three boobs, and a bull dozer, are all too coincidental.

And you know what they say: If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck – it’s probably a Real Housewife training for a fitness competition and practicing in her lucite stripper heels! 

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Everyone is reeling from the outburst-a-thon that was Shannon’s 70’s party. Shannon copes by watching over ‘working out’ with a gas-passing David. Shannon thinks this is foreplay. Kelly is trying not to strangle Michael with a white slipcover, and Meghan King Edmonds by finally having her eggs harvested.

At Shannon’s party, Meghan barely drank because she was so bloated, but she makes up for it double-time with heavy pain meds for egg collecting. “I don’t like needles, but I loooooove drugs,” cheers Hashtag Cool Stepmom. 

After coming to, 11 eggs less and dreaming that she’s swimming in a quarry with Jimmy – does Meghan mean swimming through a quandary with Jimmy? – Meghan realizes That Nina Woman from Shannon’s party used to be married to her doctor. Nina, whose never sucked d–k to pay her bills, that is. So Nina’s a doctor too, then? 

Meanwhile, Jimmy is playing golf, which Meghan ruined by calling him post-surgery. Nothing comes between Jimmy and his nine irons – except his mom jeans! You know what they say, Megs: don’t put all your eggs in one basket! 

Tamra talks That 70's Party

Tamra receives the unholy assignment of checking up on Vicki Gunvalson at Coto. Who’d she piss off up there? Tamra seems to be experiencing difficulty digesting what Vicki says. Or perhaps it’s all the hard boiled eggs Tamra’s been stuffing in her mouth. Let’s hope they weren’t any of Meghan’s!

Tamra observes that Shannon and Kelly are both crazy, and then they mixed crazy with alcohol which resulted in them morphing into the magical owls from Harry Potter. Peanuts and cracker jacks – that’s what Kelly and Shannon are like. (And I don’t care if they never come back.) Is there a lesser of two evils? Yes, and sadly her name is Tamra. 

Vicki is disgusted by how David spoke to her and wonders how he talks to Shannon. “Let’s not get into that,” warns Tamra. A newly adult Tamra. Tamra then scuttles off to CUT Fitness to eat hard boiled eggs and Skype a lady who makes sparkle swimwear. (That’s not available locally…?) Afterwards Tamra’s spiritual advisor turned ass advisor, Mia, trains her in how to strut in stripper heels. Jesus and The Judgey Jugs – this is all too confusing!  

Shannon is getting cupped. An ancient practice of being zapped by a hot glue gun to apply shot glasses to one’s back. Supposedly this draws toxins to the surface. Can’t Shannon just take a Lexapro and binge shop at Target the way normal people deal with their toxicity? Mmmm… girl, I think cupping is drawing the sanity out alongside the toxins!

After getting her eggs retrieved, Meghan collects Heather Dubrow for a over-nighter in DC where Meghan will advocate for Colorectal Cancer on behalf of “my friend LeeAnne.” Why is Meghan always the spokesperson for some condition she does not have? Infertility, cancer, motherhood… The only disease Meghan, Nancy Snooze, is an expert on is fake cancer – thank the gosh darn internet for that!

Meghan & Heather in DC

Also, what organization would take Meghan seriously as a spokesperson? She acts like a teenager. Her pre-flight conversation with Heather was like listening to a 15 year old try to impress the cool older girl. Every time I see Meghan drink, I want to card her. Go figure she counts Kelly Dodd as a friend. 

At the podium, Meghan’s like candid camera with her unprepared speech. Even though cancer is her passion – something she takes more seriously than even step-momming, egging, and Jimmy obsessing. She starts rambling about how much “My friend LeeAnne” loved her, because My Friend LeeAnne’s cancer, like My Friend LeeAnne’s children, are all about Meghan. Was LeeAnne really Meghan’s friend? Did LeeAnne really confide in her? I don’t buy it any more than I buy that Jimmy Jumbo Putz Jazz Pants wants go on the Magical IVF Tour, featuring quarries of hallucinogenics and multiplying eggs, with The Megster. Speaking of which, that sounds like what happens to you if you don’t survive the Rapture in the second coming of Tamra’s trainer Mia.

I do think it’s wonderful that Meghan is raising awareness, so I’ll just shut up and focus on how Heather looked lovely in her blouse, and also I’m sorry Meghan lost “My friend LeeAnne” and that Heather lost her adorable grandmother.

Over in optical illusion paradise where everything’s white as sand and tastes like booze, Kelly is adamant that Shannon set her up by inviting Jaci and Nina to her partyand I TOTALLY agree.

Let’s talk Kelly’s house. It’s literally ALL WHITE. Like she’s the White Witch. Don’t bullshit on her or she’ll spot you immediately, huh?! Maybe it’s the white flag of surrender – a passive-aggressive signal to Michael that he’s temporarily won. Or maybe it’s actually a passive-aggressive punishment so Michael never feels comfortable in his own home. Or perhaps this is Kelly’s way of making everything seem pure, innocent, and right in an effort to hide how messy, dark, and jaded she is on the inside. All washed down with copious amounts of booze and brain farts. Well it’s pretttttty! 

While Kelly is cooking dinner, Michael won’t listen to her – as usual – and burns the steaks. Over dinner, Kelly’s mom encourages her to give Shannon another chance and perhaps try to really get to know her this time. Even Michael, who was present at the Whooooo are you’ party, thinks it’s a good idea. Kelly agrees to consider it. Hmmmm… I wouldn’t! 

Briana's new house

Speaking of houses, Briana is renovating her new on in the OC. Well, Vicki’s new home, actually. Briana jokey-implies that Vicki bought a house Briana couldn’t afford then forced her pay for it but people her age can’t afford homes in the OC. Which is where Mommy Warbucks comes into focus. Apparently kids can afford $50k renovations, though! (A kitchen and all the baths is only amounting to $50k?!). 

Vicki stops by to check-in while Briana is meeting with the designer, then Tamra waltzes though the door. She is now neighbors with Briana. Too close for comfort… meaning too close to Vicki for comfort! Tamra admits she “took a step-back from Briana” while Tamra wasn’t speaking to Vicki. However Vicki gleefully announces that Briana has taken infinite steps closer since Brooks disappeared – as if Vicki dumped him, instead of the other way around. I seem to recall a tale about her lying in the driveway, sobbing, begging him to stay, as he fled her micromanaging, over-bearing Chanel clutch collection. Still, the guy faked cancer so he deserves to be squashed under a love tank. 

While the ladies are talking house, Troy steals Nana’s keys and locks himself in Vicki’s Mercedes. Someone already figured out to put the pedal to the metal and flee Vicki. Newly mature Tamra coaches Troy into opening the door while Vicki shrieks and panics. “I raised 4 kids. But Briana’s raising 2 kids – and Vicki…” sighs Tamra. 

Kelly calls Shannon

Back at Kelly’s, she sits on her white sofa to cleanse herself of the dirty words she said to Shannon and invites her to coffee. Shannon would rather get cupped again than attend, but she’s Ms. Manners now, so… CUP IT UP!

Back in DC, Meghan and Heather head back to the hotel for champs and receive a call from Tamra. Tamra suggests they plan a girls night before Meghan’s fertilized eggs are reinserted, and Tamra has to quit drinking for her fitness competition. “Like a bachelorette party!” exclaims Meghan. Heather rolls her eyes and sucks more champs through a straw. 

Then Tamra drops a bomb: Shannon is meeting with Kelly! Heather is shocked, but then Meghan, The Little Detective That Could, interjects that she saw Shannon pull Jaci and Nina aside at the party which was mighty suspicious! Even Tamra and Heather agree. 

Heather is shocked by Meghan's news about Shannon

So Kelly gets into her white chariot to seek Shannon in a restaurant decorated like paradise. She orders ice tea then notices there’s whine – FILL UP HER HATE TANK! 

Shannon arrives looking limp and guarded, with her judged-eyes finely tuned onto Kelly. I imagine Shannon views Kelly, critically, as the girl she was two seasons ago; the one beset by problems she couldn’t quite see and hoped others definitely couldn’t, even though it’s all too obvious – especially when you drink too much, rant too much, and fly off the handle spouting crazy in the middle of the day, or in someone’s home, or at their gobbledy-goop party where you’re reeking of Goop treatments that don’t treat…

Shannon and Kelly

Now Shannon’s previous problems are laid bare, but she’s got a whole new set of troubles to stuff under her kaftan, and a whole new set of perspectives to go with it. A perspective as if she’s risen above (She hasn’t. Not even close). Kelly’s unhappiness is acute and laser-sharp, whereas Shannon’s is sort of settled into and hazy. Kelly is on Real Housewives Of Orange County with purpose: To have her voice heard. It’s retribution for all the times Michael, that raving narcissist, slammed the oven door on her steaks too early, burning them to a crisp on the outside but leaving them dried out and tough on the inside. 

These two are never gonna see eye-to-eye, 1) Because one of them is drunk; and 2) One of them is too busy trying to see the other for someone she’s not – vindictive and calculating. Kelly is reactionary, defensive, and irrational, and more than capable of burying herself in the sand, so I don’t know why Shannon is trying so hard. Is there more to this story… is there buried treasure Meghan needs to unearth?

Shannon, formerly of the High Priestess Vodka Moons atop Denial Mountain (a position she shared with Kim Richards), has escaped one witch mountain only to arrive at another. And here sits Kelly, the troll under the bridge, swimming in the moat of wine, huffing, puffing, and threatening to blow Shannon’s house of cards right in. Shannon must be strong, for the strength of Kelly’s desperation is a gale-force wind blowing steady, erratic, and threatening at any moment to turn into a tornado. 

In anticipation for Shannon’s arrival, Kelly has been guzzling the vino, and her anger issue is looking for a fight; circling the rim of the glass.

Just as Shannon settles onto the edge of her seat, Kelly launches into demanding how well Shannon knows Jaci, accusatory from the get-go. Shannon bristles at the OC Inquisition she is faced with – she will not defend her blonde affiliations! Kelly’s point to all this yodeling, is that Shannon set her up by inviting Nina and Jaci to humiliate her. Shannon denies it – especially since she doesn’t know that Meghan is telling tales out of school. Kelly, obviously, doesn’t believe Shannon.

Interrupting for a minute: Can we discuss Jaci’s missing K. What – did it weigh too much? Hook’d on Phonics didn’t work for JacKie (remember those commercials from the 90’s?! Gold). 

Shannon would NEVER set Kelly up!

Anyway, Shannon would NEVER, EVER set someone up, then she lectures Kelly about needing an etiquette book (Class With The Countess?). 

Shannon thought she was coming to receive an apology for the cruel and crazy insults Kelly lobbed at her; calling her ugly, and dumb, and mocking that David had an affair. “I would never have a party to stir things up. That is not who I am,” she scoffs, highly incensed that Kelly called “My Friend Jaci” ugly. And Shannon too. “You are ugly!” roars Kelly morphing into Kel-Hulk right before our very eyes.

Kelly admits she has a “legitimate” anger problem which she is seeking help for … next week. This week she is letting it all out on Shannon after being Meghan’d egged on by wine. She clarifies that she means ugly in action, but Shannon goes ahead and insults Kelly for looking like an Indian. Which makes ZERO sense, but “Kelly’s Native American name would be Dances with Bullshit.” Which makes total sense, racial slur aside. 

This conversation was as disjointed as its participants – editing! One minute Kelly was contrite and wanting to move on, as Housewives do by never actually moving on, but the very next second she was roaring like a wildebeest that Shannon is a she-devil. 

Strangely, suddenly, Kelly kinda stops dead in her rants and backpedals an apology to Shannon for the things she said, even though she doesn’t want to apologize. “Then don’t!” snaps Shannon. “You should accept apologies because it makes people feel better,” whines Kelly. “This is hard for me.” And that’s, that: Kelly’s not sorry, but she wants to move on for her own jack-assed sake, and Shannon ain’t never gonna let it go, because Shannon keeps a checks and balances tally in her pocketbook like a school marm.

That meaning a big ol’ frothy disaster of vodka with 45 cups of limes, a splash of champs, several egg whites, and lots of rocks. The signature drink of the OC Housewives? 

TELL US – DID SHANNON SET KELLY UP? SHOULD KELLY AND SHANNON AGREE TO MOVE ON? 

[Photo Credits: Bravo]