Kenya Moore returns home from Charlotte, to find her house vandalized. It seems Matt Jordan is made of magic carpets, because after driving ALL night to Charlotte where he harassed Kenya at Club One, he turned right around and drove all night back to ATL to smash in Kenya’s garage windows, sprinkle (was that juice? blood? droplets of rage?), break her car window and her back door, and spray paint over her security cameras. Dang – hell hath no fury like a man scorned.
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Kenya is rightfully shocked and scared by Matt’s latest outburst, but instead of calling the cops, she calls… KANDI BURRUSS?! Maybe it’s not a bad idea to involve Kandi, because maybe Mama Joyce will turn loose on Matt – A Mother’s Love, right?! Kandi suggests Kenya get away from her house ASAP to stay at her place.
Instead, Kenya puts on her best Ladies Who Lunch After Church dress to visit Phaedra at her law office. Phaedra is channeling black widow realness, which if you ask Apollo…. Anyway, Kenya is ostensibly there to discuss Phaedra’s upcoming fundraising pop-up shop to send kids from Flint, MI, to summer camp, however, Kenya instantly starts tearing up (were her tears made of Moore Hair Care?!) about the Matt drama. Phaedra is shocked but empathetic and likens Matt’s behavior to Apollo’s. Shockingly, she opens up to Kenya and warns her that if she keeps letting Matt back in he’ll only get worse, but she has to be sure within herself before letting the relationship go.
I thought it was good advice? I suppose if Apollo split Kenya and Phaedra apart it’s only right that he brings them back together. What’s that old expression? “If stupidness got us into this mess, why can’t it get us out?”
Am I just gobsmacked that we saw Phaedra behaving like a human being with emotions and not a cackling, sex-starved robot? Phaedra and Kenya close their meeting with a prayer and plans to take Flint by storm. Yes, KENYA will be heading to Flint with Phaedra. Well, the lord works in mysterious ways, or at least RHOA producers do!
Whatever the case, I’m pleased to see these ladies come together for charity. At least some of them…
Across town, She By SheBroke is STILL struggling to get this Chateau together before the end of days. With all these ladies homeless, or unable to reside in their homes, perhaps Sheree ought to just open a Housewives Hostel? It can be like Summer House for former trophy wives trying to rebuild their lives.
Anyway, in another VERY strange reversal of sanity, Marlo Hampton (and her boobs!) meet Sheree at a decorating studio to pick out wall coverings. We’re not allowed to say wallpaper anymore – that, like Sheree’s bank account, is passé. Apparently, not only do Sheree and Marlo share a decorator, but also a hatred of Kenya. Marlo is disappointed because Kenya, a woman she assumed was her friend, abruptly ditched her when it was convenient. Just like another Housewife named NeNe Leakes once did!
Marlo didn’t receive an invite to Kenya’s birthday (yet NeNe and Sheree did?!), nor was she invited to the Moore Manor housewarming. Something doesn’t pass the sniff test … and it’s likely due to the non-flushing toilets in Moore Manor, according to Sheree. Marlo promises to send Kenya a plumber. Possibly a security guard? Didn’t Kenya used to have one?!
Meanwhile, Kenya decides to stay at Kandi’s after all. In her guest house, that is. And then Kenya invites Cynthia Bailey to stay there as well. Is Cynthia like Kenya’s permanent +1 now? After having her offer on the Lake House accepted, and selling the town house, there was a problem with the appraisals, so Cynthia may not be moving to Lake Bailey after all. Now Cynthia and Noelle are essentially homeless. They could have stayed with Kenya… if it weren’t for Matt.
Kandi is not thrilled with this plan. Even if it’s in the unused guest house. Even though she offered to let Kenya stay there for her own safety. Luckily everyone can just talk shit about Phaedra instead. Cynthia is obsessing about this pop-up shop and calling Phaedra at all hours with questions. Phaedra suggests a “DM if you’re feeling nasty” but it turns out Phaedra is the one feeling nasty because the ladies are quibbling over how much of their proceeds they want to donate. Phaedra is trying to raise $10k and wants the ladies to each give 50% of their net to her foundation, not any charitable endeavors of their own (like their own dusty pockets?). As a trade-off, if they want to host pop-ups for their own foundations, she would do the same. Can’t one of these ladies just write a check… Oh, wait…
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Cynthia apparently thought 50% was too much, so Phaedra sent her a rather saucy read about charity and broken promises. Cynthia swears Sheree – cause who would listen to She By SheCantPay about finances? – confirmed that initially Phaedra asked them to contribute less, and Sheree always gets things right. Especially with numbers, right?!
Kandi points out that Sheree has a habit of misinterpreting the facts – like when she told Porsha Williams what Kandi allegedly said about Porsha’s relationship with Block. Kenya interrupts to ask if Block is the guy who gave Porsha her Kim K Moment? “Leave me out of the pee!” shrieks Kandi. Indeed.
After promoting her Pop-Up on Dish Nation and helping Ayden make a million cookies to sell for charity (which I loved that he was involved and so cute in his little A+ Cookies apron!), Phaedra has the ladies visit the space to figure out how to best display everyone’s wares. Cause some of the wares… NSFK (Not Safe For Kids).
Of course, everyone is more concerned about the money. Phaedra clarifies that she’d like 50% of their net and 100% of Kenya’s best behavior and sanity, when they venture to Flint next week. Porsha is confused about what Kenya could be teaching children… something I hope that she herself has often pondered whilst looking in the mirror.
Sheree hopes that “Frick and Frack don’t crack!” over Krayonce’s infiltration of the Frick (or is it the Frack?) in Flint.
On pop-up day, Phaedra declares “direct line to Jesus” everyone best behave, or the devil will be all up in their details!
Speaking of ‘extra’ details, Kenya has dominated the room with a huge booth, all white, to display Moore Haircare complete with an enormous banner. Porsha decides Kenya is surrounding herself with those white billowing curtains, ’cause it’s the closest she’ll ever come to heaven. Or starring in a bad Lifetime Movie about love, which is probably actually Kenya’s idea of heaven. That and being surrounded by enormous photos of herself looking fabulous.
Let’s just hope a sip of Moore Haircare a day, keeps the Krayonce at bay!
Meanwhile, Sheree will be hawking lil old “Who Gonna Check Me Boo” T-shirts. “It’s a classic,” trills Phaedra. Kenya mocks Sheree for having nothing to sell except a tired old catchphrase. Maybe the next pop-up can be to raise money for the Chateau Sheree Foundation? Of course, Kenya is one to talk with all her half-baked promises that never come to fruition (Life Twirls Into Oblivion; Moore Hair Care Where?! Stallion Booty By Mexico. Where’s Walter?).
And since no RHOA event is complete without some surprise guests… Thankfully Matt was indisposed spilling his tomato juice somewhere else, and instead Apollo’s mom came. Kenya is shocked to see that not only is Phaedra on good terms with her, but they seem to have a close and loving relationship. Not everything is as it appears in the lace and prayer cloth world of Phaedra Parks, attorney by day; mortician by night; friend to all felons… when it’s convenient?
The other unexpected guest was far less shocking… in through the door walked Marlo to play Sheree’s assistant in shade. Kenya immediately leaps into damage control by rushing over to Marlo to apologize to try and prevent her from making a big ol’ ugly scene. I guess Kenya is trying to look all professional-ish in front of Phaedra? Or her “clients.” It was kinda ridiculous how Kenya ran scared around Ms. Mar-low Can You Go?
Kenya and Marlo have a fraught discussion of hands flapping with denials from Kenya that she was a fake friend and some super lame non-apologies for not inviting her to the Moore Manor Housewarming. Marlo doesn’t buy it – and we know how she has discriminating taste! Interestingly, the whole argument fizzled out as quickly as it started. Maybe the ladies actually did decide to pull together for a purpose?!
When all was said and done, even Kandi put differences aside to donate $2,500 (or exactly half her sales) to Phaedra’s foundation, and for all her flapping Kenya only handed over a measly $450. Porsha, on the other hand, donated all of her proceeds of $1k. Phaedra is pleased with the results and that all the ladies mostly behaved with dignity … for the kids.
TELL US – ARE YOU SURPRISED THE LADIES MANAGED TO BEHAVE AT THE POP-UP? ARE YOU SURPRISED PHAEDRA OPENED UP TO KENYA ABOUT APOLLO?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]