Last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta some ladies got served retribution and others got served a taste of their own medicine – and some ladies need to take a seat at the kiddie table because they cannot play with the big girls.
Phaedra Parks is hiding in a hotel until Apollo Nida is officially asunder. How exactly does one “go asunder,” I wonder? Apollo certainly puts the “a$$” in asunder, but I presume he means “surrender.” #BigWordsAreForGrownUps!
Phaedra has several burly bodyguards to keep her safe in a fortress of delusion, just in case “gone asunder” means lurking in the bushes, holding a drill in a menacing way. (Apollo is scary and we did see proof of holes in the wall. Yikes!) Good thing Phaedra has her preacher arrive with a vial of holy water to exorcise this home of its demons.
CLICK THE CONTINUE READING BUTTON FOR MORE!
First order of the exorcism business – get rid of evidence of Phaedra and Apollo’s former exercise business because the PhineBooty workout poster is promptly placed in the recycle bin
– maybe Kenya dumpster-dived it and added it to her Apollo shrine?
Speaking to her assistant, who is Phaedra’s only friend as everyone else has also gone asunder, she relays that Ayden is devastated and she can’t believe what Apollo put her sons through. Phaedra is getting Ayden counseling. Those poor little boys.
Phaedra wants freedom from the shackles of Apollo’s messes, unfortunately she metaphorically demonstrates the stranglehold he has on her life by wearing a rhinestone harness contraption in her new interview segment. While Phaedra may be 50 shades of furious and planning Apollo’s embalming, while doing 50 shades of chocolate, that atrocious look needs an exorcism.
Yes, Phaedra spends her off-days planning a Phuneral by Phaedra for Apollo – they can offer the “Go Asunder” package for huzzzzbands that have done you wrong as a wife!
Or wives that have done you wrong as a huzzzzband, aka Kandi Burruss! After 6 months of marriage Kandi and Todd are having problems. Kandi wants to see a therapist because they’re not having enough sex – mama needs Bedroom Kandi. Perhaps if Kandi wasn’t so obsessed with pacifying her mother – or didn’t allow her “team” to ridicule Todd (like Don Juan calling Todd’s hair “cocker spaniel waves,” as if he’s wearing a NeNe Leakes wig!), Todd might be more interested. Or if Kandi stopped wearing a bonnet to bed!
With their play going bust as a result of mismanagement, Todd wants to take their business to the next level, but all of the sudden Kandi isn’t worried about money. Wait…wasn’t Todd, the opportunist, forced into signing the worst prenup in the world?
Kandi asks if Todd would still marry her if he could do it all over again. He hesitates… before agreeing he would. That’s really reassuring. To therapy they go!
And now a word from our sponsor Cynthia Bailey, who is here to educate us on the importance of faithfulness, honesty, and trust in a marriage.
Cynthia meets Team Pretty Desperate, comprised of Clawdia Jordan and Kenya Moore, at a wine bar, which is apt given how thirsty they are! Over sweet moscato (never trust a woman whose drink of choice is sweet moscato…), Cynthia dispenses gossip gleaned from Payday Loan Peachter: Apollo learned Phaedra is having an affair with a mysterious African named Chocolate,” whom she is begging for a spanking.
Krayonce bursts into hysterical tears and Cynthia rushes to her side to comfort her, because how dare Phaedra call Kenya a whore; savaging her reputation, putting her through unholy terror, destroying her innocence, making her a pariah in the community forced to don a scarlet letter, when all this time PHAEDRA has been the whore – having an affair on her husband, the cheating con-man headed to prison! Those fake histrionics… Girl – give it up, NeNe is the one who got the Broadway gig.
No one has seen these text messages except Peter and apparently Todd, so Kandi knows but she’s not saying a word. Not a word. Even though visits Phaedra to see how she’s doing since Apollo “asundered.” Phaedra is shocked to see Kandi darken her doorway – it’s been so long… Last time Phaedra saw Kandi, Kandi was happily married! But NeNe has been calling Phaedra daily, being supportive, being a friend: caring, compassionate, kind… Who is this NeNe Phaedra speaks of?
Phaedra regales Kandi with stories of Apollo’s scary behavior, but their interaction is very strained. Kandi doesn’t mention that Apollo has been spreading rumors of Phaedra cheating – instead she invites her dinner with all the girls because no one has seen each other since Puerto Rico.
And now, the RHOA word of the day: “Whorepocracy,” brought to you by ‘Wait – Where’s my wallet… Oh – Peachter’s got it, along with my storyline’ Cynthia.
Cynthia and Peter discuss whether or not gossiping to Krayonce about Phaedra’s alleged affair was a good idea. “We don’t even know the truth,” Cynthia admits, pretending she has “no issue” with Phaedra and she’s “neutral.” But Peachter wanna eat a peach, is all giddy, because: attention!
To celebrate freedom from “Whorepocracy,” Kenya twerks. That’s still a thing?
And finally – Dinner:
Phaedra is late, she arrives with NeNe. We are so blessed by their presence – these two upstanding and very close friends were at church praying for forgiveness for hussies.
Everyone stares at Phaedra, ready for her to provide the dinner show. “So what happened with Apollo?” is the question. Phaedra doesn’t want to discuss it. Cynthia sputters to life, but she’s running low on batteries and trips over confronting Phaedra about Apollo accusing her of having an affair.
That was the worst read I’ve ever seen! That was downright pathetic. FrankenCynthia needs a booster seat to read the menu if she wants to eat at the grown-up table. I am embarrassed by that stuttering mess, as she struggled to remember the flashcards Kenya practiced with her. If Cynthia wanted to call Phaedra out on this so-called dessert she’s enjoying, why not just simply ask. Say, “Hey girl – I heard you were getting some from Mr. Chocolate, a hot mysterious African?” and let Phae react! That would do more damage, without Cynthia looking like the village idiot. Now, go sit under the table and beg for scraps.
Phaedra denies it, naturally. “Do all of us have Africans?! That seems to be the running trend!” she snaps. Do they all share the same Africans? Is there a dating service for invisible Africans? Is Marlo Hampton the madame, running things from her Sugardaddy palace, guarded by platoon of Chanel-clad guards? That would be amazing! I need this to be reality. Because, chocolate melts in your mouth, not in your hand.
Phaedra wonders why everyone suddenly believes Apollo – the man who just confessed to lying about an affair with Kenya, yet he’s telling the truth about Phaedra? This is Apollo’s MO – he creates “sexts” about having an affair and everyone believes him. Fool me once…
Kenya starts on her rampage about how she was called a whore but Phaedra is the real whore because she’s been sleeping with Mr. Chocolate. Phaedra jumps up and threatens to smack Kenya with her clutch. SECURITY! Then Phaedra storms out. See, that was misunderstood – Phaedra had some holy water, a bible, and a miniature exorcist preacher in her clutch – she just wanted to fix Kenya with Jesus.
NeNe and Porsha Williams usher Phaedra out of the restaurant. Kandi realizes she has to stop eating and runs out after them, counseling Phaedra not to let Kenya get to her because of her career as a lawyer. Kandi’s refusal to defend the people she “loves” is pathetic.
Inside Kenya rants about how she was called a whore. Enough with this victim act! Kenya gave as good as she got, and no one is buying it – or her fake booty, or her fake men, or her fake friendship with FrankenCynthia. Furthermore speaking of beating a stallion booty to death – is anyone talking about Krayonce being a whore except Krayonce? We’re bored of this.
Outside Phaedra lounges against Porsha’s hussy-for-hiremobile, fuming, while everyone muses over how out of line Cynthia and Kenya were. NeNe mocks Cynthia’s attempt to confront Phaedra, “She could barely get the words out!”
Then Team Krayonce comes out and a parking lot argument ensues because classy, southern belles always take their problems to the street (on the curb where they belong!). Kenya complains that Phaedra wasn’t able to “have a conversation” about her adultery and she is protesting too much for an innocent woman. Right – this from the woman constantly shrieking about how she was wrongly called a whore.
NeNe straight-up tells Cynthia and Kenya they were not trying to have a conversation – that was a CONFRONTATION – and inappropriate given what Phaedra has just gone through. “Cynthia is messy as hell,” critiques NeNe, who questions why she is suddenly throwing jabs. NeNe advises her former friend to keep her day job “having pageants at Wal-mart.” HA! Queen of the Falling Prices – she wins a free basket of reheated chicken fingers and the opportunity to be a door greeter! What talent do these girls perform – and is it applicable to Broadway?
Cynthia insists she brought it up because she’s upset over people throwing the word “whore” around. NeNe reminds everyone she apologized to Claudia after calling her slutty “to her face!” Then NeNe terminates the conversation. NeNe is done with this – servants escort these peasants off the premises and transport the queen home!
“As soon as anyone of these girls get called out, they run away,” complains Kenya. “This is one smokescreen that isn’t going away.” Oooh – premonition! However – ladies living in smokescreens should be careful of where they throw jabs…
I am tired of talking about who’s a whore, who’s not a whore, why they’re not a whore while someone else is a whore, who’s at liberty to call someone a whore vs. who’s not. They’re all whorepocrites! Let’s just have new subjects other than African sugar daddies, Apollo and the curious validity of sexts, or whore-mongering.
As an aside – what the hell was Claudia wearing at dinner? A dress that practically shows her hoo-ha (to prove her clit is still attached?) paired with MASSIVE wooden cross earrings. Hey – a girl will take Jesus’ saving where she can get them, I guess! Also, Porsha’s dress looked like a too-small swimsuit cover-up. These two are birds of a desperate and tacky-ass feather!
TELL US – WAS IT CYNTHIA’S BUSINESS TO CALL PHAEDRA OUT ON THE ALLEGED CHOCOLATE CHEATING? IS THERE A ‘WHOREPOCRACY’ ON RHOA?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]