Well, part three of the Real Housewives Of Atlanta reunion was literally all over the place. I too was yelling “shut the f–k up”!
And of course, tacked onto the very tail end was the astounding revelation that, for some God-forsaken reason, Jesus, or possibly the devil put it into Phaedra Parks‘ prayer cloth that she should start a totally baseless rumor that Kandi Burruss is a secret lesbian menage-a-trois stalker who plotted to drug and rape Porsha Williams. Yep – fun times in libel-land from everybody’s favorite lawless lawyer!
Apparently earlier this year, Phaedra told poor, innocent, unsuspecting (Ha!) Porsha this lurid tale, then sat back on her donkey booty through the entire season to watch as Porsha defended herself and kept Phaedra’s confidences. And never, ever, not once, did Phaedra utter a word that it was SHE who started this rumor about Kandi. I’m sure Phaedra will handily dismiss it as “shade,” or something she heard ‘on the streets,’ then swat it away with her handbag, give herself a spritz of holy water then waltz into the church pew for some restoration. Except honey-butt: NO – you have burned the place down. Call Willie Watkins and fire up the band cause this big, ole fraudulent lie was your Phuneral By Phaedra!
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Shamea Morton was right to call Phaedra a fraud. 100 times over. At least we know Phaedra is on the right track heading for a career in politics: liars this way to the podium; duped fools over there to get a refreshing glass of Kool-Aid.
With all the teasers, I really didn’t expect to be shocked when Porsha actually said that it was Phaedra who told her, but alas. I still was. I suppose that despite years and years of watching this depraved mess hasn’t robbed me of all my humanity – Apollo Nida‘s sticky fingers haven’t defrauded with my then absconded soul yet! So with that said, I do hope the reports that Phaedra has been fired are true. There is so much fraud under the bridge it done built itself into a damn and now nothing pure flows through.
I’ll check back in with Phaedra later, cause we have a lotta ground to cover before the final momentous 5 seconds!
The reunion opened with the husbands, or lack there of, on stage. All eyes are on Bob and his beard as he attempts to explain the comments about choking Sheree Whitfield. “I can’t believe I would utter those words
in front of the cameras” acknowledges a now contrite Bob. Sheree is not buying it – it’s the same old Bob and dance, and she thinks he’s only playing sorry to look good.
Nevertheless Bob persisted with some Hallmark self-help spiel about the lessons he hopes Kairo will learn from his mistakes. Not that Bob has actually spoken to his son about how to treat a woman, mind you, he just expects Kairo to learn through osmosis carried in a Cargo By Cynthia Bailey knapsack that women should walk beside him not behind him.
I don’t know what Peachter was doing at this reunion, but I think it was “Trying To Extend My 15 Minutes So I’m Not Axed Next Season,” because he gave his two cents (the only cents he has!) to every little segment, like he was the host instead of Andy Cohen. We do not need you to MC – save that for when Kenya Moore does an appearance at your club of the month!
Anyway, Peter had the audacity to lecture Bob over his behavior. Then Kandi opined that she hopes after seeing his flaws on TV Bob experienced an ‘a-ha’ moment and will communicate better with Sheree. Cause that’s really happened for so many other people sitting on that stage!
Well at least Sheree has found some clarity about where things stand: – the Chateau is officially closed to Bobness!
Next Andy dives into the not-yet-divorce of Peter and Cynthia. First, I’d like to point out that Peter got more airtime in the 15 minutes he was present than Cynthia has gotten the entire reunion (including parts 1 & 2). Basically Cynthia is a cute accessory to adorn the stage and distract us when we need something to focus on beside shrieking harridans and Andy’s smarmy smirk. I do think Cynthia is losing her powers, because I mostly completely forgot she was even there. Even while she was actually talking…
Although Peter and Cynthia are dunzo, he remains close to Noelle. Awwww…maybe Leon and Noelle can move in with Peter and it can be new version of Full House!
When Cynthia finally rumbles to life, creaking into a wide-eyed stare, she explains that marriage to Peter became too stressful for her delicate psyche and Cynthia Bailey, super-supermodel, does not do well with stress. Essentially ‘things’ happened, resentments grew until Cynthia was chronically mad, and decided those marriage vows were mere suggestions for how to conduct a union – like fortune cookies promising a fun future! “It just seemed like every time we got over one hurdle it would be something else. I didn’t know how to be married – I did the best I could do,” sighs Cynthia.
Peter Thomas interjects to explain that Cynthia Bailey was too about Cynthia Bailey for Peter Thomas, and he’s a hard man. Not hard in the way a woman wants, though, like hard in the ‘hard to deal with’ way! Right Said Peter believes Cynthia Bailey does what she wants on the catwalk of life – and she does her little turn alone, being too sexy for her ring, too sexy for his shit, but oh not so strong enough to be the woman of Peter.
They’ve both started seeing other people – Cynthia confesses to having gone on “a date” but Peter is out there Tindering away, and after a year without sex it’s “on all the mother f–king time.” UGH! Peter currently has a huge crush on a mystery lady that I’m sure we’ll see next season when Cynthia claims to regret her divorce. Or there is some other snafu that brings them back together.
RELATED – Are Cynthia & Peter Actually Divorced?
I thought I’d heard the last of Peachter once Andy turned his attentions to Porsha and the absence of Todd2, but not so! Peachter mumbles snide comments to Kenya, and keeps interrupting Andy to ask Porsha about Todd, then made a cryptic comment to Phaedra about how life isn’t perfect. Like she should’ve stayed married to Apollo. Hell hath no fury like a Peachter scorned – he is the patron saint of absconded men everywhere! They need a matyr, y’all! And that Martyr can be yours for the price of a cocktail at Club One!
Andy Jr is concerned that Todd2 missed this momentous occasion to giggle and squirm through the reunion! Like Porsha was trying to silence him? Todd2 and Porsha are “on pause” and he’s gotten a job in DC.
Peter was just so ridiculously extra – in all ways! There is no “Preach Peter” advice section! Frankly, with his messy nonsense, he literally has no room to talk. When he could take no more of being ignored, Peter walked off stage and threw a hissy. Poor Peter! No one can handle him!
With Peter gone, we shift focus to Sheree, The Mess Box. And lesbiangate, which was, as we know, was instigated by Messheree because it is her solemn duty and righteous quest to maintain the honesty, integrity, and transparency of these friendships. Therefore she bears the burden of carrying the bones about who bones whom.
Shamea joins the group and she looks lovely, but lovely is, is not as lovely does! She’s all kindsa [rightfully] pissed over Phaedra’s lies concerning the closeness of her friendship with Kandi. Just for the record no impropriety took place – that was saved for Porsha alone.
Shamea and Porsha haven’t spoken since that fateful episode aired, because Porsha chose her alliance with Phaedra over her real friendship with Shamea. No one believes in the legitimacy of Frick & Frack. Not even, as it will later turn out, Frick!
Porsha knows she owes Shamea a serious apology for not defending – especially since she stalwartly defended Phaedra to Shamea. Unfortunately Porsha can’t actually get the apology out of her mouth due to Kenya’s interruptions. With Peter gone, SOMEONE had to carry on running this show!
Porsha turns off her anger management to tell Kenya to “shut the f–k up,” but Kenya would rather leave than be silenced especially by this Elvis Impersonator! When Andy finally finds his voice, he points out that Kenya was butting in unnecessarily, “You interrupted her apology,” he chastises. Obviously she did – because Kenya cannot shut her crazy ish-talking trap. That woman, like Peter, has NO BUSINESS giving anyone advice. Get your own Gone With The Wind curtains on straight first. “Tootles bitch” – directs Porsha, because Elvis will not be leaving this building! Porsha DID look like Elvis… maybe she can become a THOT Elvis impersonator on the side of her serious journalism career…
Porsha does finally manage to get her apology out, and Shamea accepts until Kandi reminds us that that the problem isn’t that Porsha is a shitty friend, but that she co-signed the lie spread by her shitty friend Pheadra!
Phaedra point-blank admits that she used Kandi as “collateral damage” to get back at Shamea for her accusations that Phaedra was trying to get with her former husband, and the air mattress deflating queen of ATL, except Phaedra won’t reveal WHY she would implicate Kandi in her takedown of Shamea. Porsha continues to insist she never confirmed Phaedra’s comment, she just agreed that Kandi and Shamea are “close” – she’s intentionally obfuscating, and Phaedra-izing on a technicality. She’s been coached well!
The weirdest thing is that all of this started over Porsha being defensive about Kandi allegedly telling people she slept with Block. Why does this matter? Because Porsha doesn’t want to be perceived as a hoe? Or because Block is so embarrassing? It’s strange that saltiness over being outed as a “block-er” spiraled into well, lesbiangate. Perhaps Sheree should start scissoring lips SHUT.
Since we must be reminded that Frick & Frack have not yet cracked, Andy plays a highlights montage, and Kenya is so desperate for attention she uses this time to obviously fix her makeup. Just stop. Kandi compares this friendship of convenience to Housewives Survivor. “A true friend wouldn’t let a friend take the fall for something they’ve said and done,” says Shamea.
Shamea thinks Porsha glommed onto Phaedra to have a ‘friend’ on the show – at the expense of Kandi and Shamea, then Phaedra manipulated her. Shamea also shadily snarks that Porsha makes Phaedra fun because she “brings a youthful side to auntie.”
Shamea is concerned about where Slutty Auntie Phaedra‘s vagina has been – never with Kandi, though! Porsha blames Shamea for starting the drama by inserting questions about Phaedra’s faithfulness out there. That insert impregnated Phaedra with a gossip baby, who was co-parented by Sheree. This show is so dumb and all the people on it are reducing my brain to rubble. The class couldn’t even fill a teaspoon!
Shamea and Phaedra erupt into a mud-slinging argument about Africans paying past due bills, and failed marriages. Well, I finally learned where I can find all these rich Africans – at the St. Regis!
Then Todd returns to break the second part of Lesbiangate – the part where Porsha accused Kandi of having a seven-year lesbian relationship and trying to drug and rape her.
Andy takes a moment to share that Huffington Post questioned why he lets gay and lesbianism be used as an insult, and all the women deny being homophobic – despite the many times they’ve all used it as a convenient insult. Porsha explains that “experiences” in life have provided her a change of heart and some perspective since that fateful YouTubed sermon ten years prior. Experiences such as her kiss with Kandi!
Porsha insists she never meant Kandi needed to ‘come out of the closet’ as a negative – she was simply throwing shade. Likewise Phaedra denies ever saying “lesbian” when describing Kandi’s activities with Shamea – she only implied it because ‘word on the streets’ said Kandi and Shamea were more than friends! Everyone knows in the ATL that it’s true… everybody except for the people presently sitting on this reunion stage. Including Porsha.
Kandi and Todd are not buying this excuse, but Phaedra argues that it’s hypocritical of them to get angry when they have no problem with Mama Joyce or their crew putting up flyers on the telephone pole about the other women! Salty little Toddler snarks that the streets (Apollo) have plenty to say about Phaedra too. “We know the feds are still watching,” he adds. Yes Todd – they are.
So, was Phaedra spreading the lesbian rumors as revenge – over Kandi and Todd’s drama with the FEDs last year? Or what?
Also, this “shade” excuse needs to stop. Every time one of these women gets called out “it’s just shade.” Actually, no, it’s SLANDER. “Shade” is not a defense in a court of law, nor is it an admissible excuse. Maybe Judge Judy needs to start hosting these reunions?
Kandi and Porsha argue about their almost-possible-hookup, and Porsha continues to deny that she propositioned Kandi, or was an “aggressive lesbian” because their kiss was actually “beer goggles.” Porsha doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with experimenting with girls – just not with Kandi!
Since the fateful kiss happened 3 years ago, Andy wonders why Porsha only got upset about it season – that’s when she explains that as a “serious journalist,” she couldn’t make accusations based on what she thinks happened during a drunken night. She needed confirmation! Trustworthy verification! Because Porsha, like Sheree, must maintain a standard of honesty … out of respect for the integrity of Dish Nation’s salient reporting, obviously!
And this year Deep Throat emerged and that drunken hookup was was confirmed by a reliable source. Unfortunately that due diligence was provided by none other than Phaedra Parks, who is now henceforth appointed to speak lies on Porsha’s behalf since Kandi issued her a C&D. Mic drop.
Elvis may still be in the building, but Phaedra – well, she needs to leave. WHAT. THE. F–K.
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[Photo Credits: Annette Brown/Bravo & Bravo]