Vicki sits down with Tamra

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County we saw a different side of Peggy Sulahian. A fun, light-hearted, yet conniving side! I think we were supposed to really care that Diko upset Shannon Beador in a game of karmatic husbands, but eh, I mostly care about Peggy’s recipes. But first, always but first, other stuff happened. And and that other stuff was another session of Will Vicki Gunvalson and Tamra Judge ever be put back together again? (My magic hate ball says: NOOOOOOOOOO, NEVER, EVER, EVER – JUST F–KING STOP!).

Ugh Vicki and Tamra. Again. I feel like I’m contractually obligated to write about how they met for coffee at a subliminally named place called Patch, even though we know they won’t patch anything up.

And I don’t care. When it comes to the relationship of the two most insufferable, vapid people on even Bravo, I’m less invested the success of my subjects than Shannon’s Nazi exercise bike is. Vicki wore red (cause “Saton is confusing!”) and Tamra wore ambivalent grey. Fitting in both cases. We’re treated to a montage of various stages of their faces of their friendship, and Tamra believes Vicki sees the error of her ways and plans to apologize. Vicki, however, only wants Tamra to stop “bullying” and learn kindness. Mmmmkay… so two different expectations, all washed down with a million gallons of historic tequila.

Tamra is confused by kindness

It goes bad. Vicki starts out by lecturing on said kindness, and Tamra is all “What is ‘that‘?!” Then Tamra mentions that Vicki is spreading rumors about her marriage, which proves she doesn’t know kindness from a cancer scheme and VICKI, VICKI, VICKI, who shoots herself in the foot so many times she must wear a prosthetic Louboutin at this point, goes on to mention that she likes Eddie BUT maybe he is gay and only married Tamra to get a gym. Oh, GAWD. I mean Vicki – GET OFF TWITTER. The rantings of viewers who despise Tamra is not a valid reference point. Maybe.

After that Tamra stood up, in her best Lifetime Movie re-enactment and announced loudly, “You don’t deserve me!” and stormed out. I want to think all Vicki has to do is sincerely apologize for lying and starting rumors by explaining that she was in a deep emotional wasteland after being victimized and abused by Brooks, and losing her mom, so she lashed out, but maybe there’s literally no apology Vicki can give that will fix things. A) because Vicki won’t actually admit to any wrong doing; and B) other than Vicki wanting to be popular and liked again. I don’t think she feels Tamra is really worth it. It’s probably all tequila spilled under the Andales bar at this point! Maybe they need couples counseling?

At least some couples have managed to survive the OC divorce rate, like Peggy and Diko who’ve been married 22 years. As Tamra mentions, the combined years of all three of her marriages don’t equal 22 years. Peggy and Diko go out to dinner – which is the only thing they ever seem to be doing – where Diko reminisces about buying Peggy her first Bentley, which cost more than their “humble” $200,000 house. Oh to be poor again!

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To celebrate these 22 years, which Meghan Edmonds will later inform us isn’t even “one of the big years,” they’re throwing an Armenian-themed anniversary party. All the ladies are invited – even Vicki, whom no one likes, thus making the other husbands refuse to come because Vicki will be there! Oh, those ballsy hubbies taking a stand on behalf of their wives!

Oooh! So what’s going on with Kelly Dodd? With a new vagina and new knockers, she’s all no more time for the old Michael! In fairness she’s been feeling this way for a while – after all, she tried to check Michael into the senior center because it’s time for Kelly to do her. Literally. Michael obviously didn’t go to the senior center because he’s still knocking around the bleached white and gold beach house, the colors of which reflect Kelly’s insides: dead, like the ghostly presence of Michael’s love, except when ooooh shiny superficiality!

Kelly’s dad Frank visited and he does NOT get along with his ex-wife, who would be Kelly’s mom. If ever there was awkward house guesting, Bravo will find them! Kelly’s parents were married for 30 years, and from the sound of it they despised each other no more after the divorce than they did in marriage.

Like, Kelly, her mom married an older man, who was her polar opposite. And like Kelly, her parents fought constantly in front of their kids. Kelly went to catholic school and prayed for her parents to divorce. When it didn’t work she left the church and married Michael, but now it’s probably time to leave Michael and return to… well I don’t know, Tamra’s church where they’ll forgive anything if you dunk it in the Motel 6 pool?

The other strange thing going on with Kelly is her suddenly BFF status with Tamra and Shannon, all at the expense of Vicki. Hmmmm.. did Vicki have a point over UNpatch coffee?

Lydia & Judy

So, let’s talk spoiled children! I’m looking at you, Lydia McLaughlin. I can never decide about My Little Lydia. Sometimes I find her pluck charming, but most times it’s insufferable. Like just stop with the Disney Princess act. We all know you have a poisoned set of Doug’s balls apple in the designer purse mommy bought you with grandpapa’s money.

Lydia’s grandpa died and her mom inherited oodles of money, which means YAAAAAAAAAA shopping. Lydia refers to this phenomena as her mom “sponsoring” her, like she’s an exchange student from Delusion Island. To give her the American experience, Judy is buying her love. Lydia explains that they’ve always been well-off, but since Grandpa went to the senior center in the sky they’re now “Paris Hilton-level” rich.

Lydia needs to grow the eff up, so as she selects things for Judy to buy her, she asks “Is 69 fun?” She means the age. Lydia’s hoping for some life-lessons, but instead Judy reveals that yes, Lydia’s “horndog” dad loves 69. Lydia covers her ears with some $400 earmuffs and rocks back and forth whining “I’ll only stop if you buy these”

Still pining for something money can’t buy, after Judy dropped $2k on clothes, Lydia asks what lessons she’s learned in 69 years. Judy thinks for a minute before, pricelessly, answering, “Think happy thoughts.” Which, as Lydia complains, is from Peter Pan. Poor, poor Lydia – she’s living in the real-life version of Freaky Friday. Sometimes she’s the adult, parenting her mom; sometimes she’s the little girl who just wants all the glitter! No wonder she’s so mixed up. Anyway, is Lydia one of the lost boys? Or Tinkerbell? If so, who’s Captain Hook – Tamra? – because Vicki is clearly the Tick-Tock Croc. And Shannon is most certainly Smee. Peggy is clearly Wendy – the only grownup on the island.

Also, fun fact – I noticed Kelly and Vicki were wearing the same earrings. Vicki had them in red during her sit-down with Tamra, then Kelly in silver during one of her talking heads. Interesting because at Peggy’s party, Kelly, Tamra, and Shannon all wore basically the same dress. I’ll spare you the ‘Who Wore It Best?’ poll. If we’re playing armchair therapist does this mean Kelly is confused about where her loyalties lie? I don’t know. But on the way to Peggy’s party, Kelly’s limo did pull up alongside Tamra and Shannon’s on the highway, and they passed a bottle of champagne out the window.

Anyway, Peggy’s party seemed really fun. It was shockingly not over-the-top ridiculous and actually seemed believable as a party someone might throw for an anniversary. Peggy looked gorgeous, she really is a beautiful woman. All of that, including the amazing food, was upstaged by dumb Bravo drama, which alas, is the point of these things, isn’t it?

Peggy set that stage by attempting to bribe her 10 year old son with $1000 to let Vicki and Tamra simultaneously kiss him on the cheek, thus forcing them together. Why rope sweet Koko into such a calamity?! Don’t tarnish his tender youth!

Lydia arrives first, and Vicki arrives last. While Vicki is making her hellos, Tamra literally turns her face away. So that’s good manners. Then everyone spends the entire party ignoring and avoiding Vicki – including Kelly.  I bet afterwards the Bravo peeps gave them a good talking to, and that’s how Vicki found herself invited to Iceland to be iced out among the last dying glaciers. However, that’s in the future; for now we are celebrating the past – specifically Diko and Peggy’s past, of which there are many long and sometimes taxing years, all glossed over by many, many expensive presents.

Kelly Dodd with Hookah

To commemorate all of this there was a hookah which Kelly, Shannon, and Tamra didn’t know how to work and kept bellowing about weed. Shannon, the holistic housewife, doesn’t know what 4-20 is. Given how uptight she is, I probably believe her.

Vicki terrorizes Peggy's son

Then there was dinner, and after bonding over hookahs, Kelly was invited to sit with the cool girls, if you could call Shannon, Tamra, Meghan, and Michael that. In doing so she snubbed Vicki, who was ominously clad in green, the color of envy. Instead Vicki got stuck with Koko, not by his choice, and she treated him to some hard-knocks life advice about dealing with catty girls. No one wants drunken life lessons from Auntie V, but I suppose every childhood survives one of those sessions. #FreeKoko.

Shannon & the belly dancer

Then out comes a belly dancer, whom Peggy screened to make sure she wasn’t fat. Lydia is scandalized that a stripper harlot is allowed served with dinner. I can only imagine what she thought of Shannon hopping onto the dance floor to shake her Buddha belly and make it rain bleach-free essential oil disinfectant wipes twenties. Poor Shannon – it’s like she’s gotten more attention-seeking after losing confidence over her weight?

After dinner, Peggy smashed a glass and made a speech explaining what it’s like to be married for more than two decades. Kelly shudders – being married to to Michael for 22 years is her version of hell. I think the whole thing deeply unsettled Shannon who realized even if she and David make it, they’ll be more like Kelly’s parents than Diko and Peggy.

Peggy & Diko Anniversary

Peggy and Diko’s anniversary tradition is his-and-hers present. This year is matching gaudy watches, followed by a surprise 22K diamond necklace just for Peggy. Meghan practically poops her pants as she bitterly complains about the gift being “ostentatious.” Before Meghan, wife no 3 of the world’s most disinterested husband, starts dispensing opinions, perhaps she should make it to anniversary number four? Of course Jimmy Dad Jeans probably re-gifts Meghan her own candles with a card that reads, “I gave you my sperm, you’ve gotten enough. ~ JDJ.”

Rock on with your diamonds Peggy. Also rock on with Vicki attaching herself to them, and make sure she doesn’t grift off with them, then cry into her pillow that no one will love her for 22 years longtime and she’ll die of a broken heart that has Brooks‘ name scrawled onto it (and crossed out). Steve is a rich man’s imitation of the Brokester, isn’t he? Should we start a casserole for Vicki’s clogged heart campaign?

After a lovely evening, Diko decided he must have ‘a talk’ with Shannon. Was he trying to clear his conscience? Call David out? Put it out there? Diko told Shannon that David “interrogated” him over Peggy’s cancer at the boat party. Afterwards Diko made the mistake of telling Peggy, who’s now furious. And perhaps made him confront Shannon? Shannon is gobsmacked. How could he INSULT DAVID?! Why are the husbands the source of such drama?

RELATED  – Are Diko & Peggy Terrorizing Shannon? Tamra Thinks So!

Diko & Shannon

Obviously all the ladies trickled over, first Tamra, then Peggy herself, and finally Kelly. I thought Diko handled this discussion pretty humanly, but it was still wrong place; wrong time. As Shannon was leaving Peggy explain that she’s just “hurt. So hurt. Hurt. Hurt. Hurt.” She must have just learned the word on Which is the first time she’s heard English since leaving UCLA with a degree in it! But, alas, Peggy now Shannon is also hurt. Hurt. Hurt. Hurt that David has been questioned and called out. That the veneer of David’s allure de perfection is dimmed a bit more. And if Shannon is hurt, there will be hell to pay. Be warned Housewives – your penance is Buttermilk chicken and quinoa salad for-ev-er!

In the car, Shannon gasps that Diko should’ve talked to David, not her. Tamra is confused about why she’s so distraught over what seems like nothing? Says the woman who’s dining out on the ‘Is Eddie gay?’ gossip 2 years later… Am I wrong?

Has anyone seen that YouTube video going around featuring the yuppie housewife who overcomplicates making a PBJ by freezing peanut butter slices? It’s so bafflingly, stupidly creating unnecessary hassle, and makes no logical sense. That’s sometimes what it’s like dealing with these Housewives, but we watch because well, who isn’t fascinated by a trainwreck of desperation and delusion? I personally think Andy Cohen needs to recruit this woman.


[Photo Credits: Bravo]