Kenya Wedding Veil

Where was NeNe Leakes on last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta? Doesn’t really matter because it turns out the real drama is how the show is driving Kenya Moores 10 second marriage to ruin. The Bravo curse strikes again? Immediately.

Meanwhile, Cynthia Bailey is stranded at the lake all by herself with no one but the leaves to talk to. If it sounds like the start of a bad – very bad – horror movie where a desperate, lonely woman turns to the wrong kind of guy, you’re right! After a relaxing bath, Cynthia finds herself on a date where she is blindfolded and wandering the dark and creepy hallways of a chicken farm while getting her photo taken by Malcolm X’s long-lost twin, Evan.

Cynthia goes on a date

The most horrible thing of all though is that Evan is actually only 29. A very maturely dressed 29, but 29 all that same and that is TOO young for the fabulous 50 Cyn. But seriously – what type of photography studio is on a farm? Why was Cynthia wearing a ballgown to the farm? What was that fuzzy thing he wrapped around her face – an animal pelt he slaughtered himself? Then there was the weird staged ‘private’ dinner which was basically stolen right from the Peachter Thomas playbook. The entire thing… just no. All the nos.

Later, Cynthia confides in her counselor/daughter Noelle about Evan’s age. The wise Noelle, who at 17 is about to drive to Charlotte to visit her boyfriend and be chaperoned by Peter, reminds Cynthia that she actually IS old enough to be this Evan’s mother. And since Cynthia can’t even act like Noelle’s mother, their relationship probably isn’t gonna work out!

Porsha Williams is a nut. Therefore it’s probably good that she’s becoming a “baby vegan” – cause, nuts. I don’t really know what a “baby vegan” is, but it appears what Porsha means vegetarian, and she believes this is the key to a life of spiritual, emotional, and physical health. Porsha isn’t removing shit-talking or BS from her life though, which probably would improve her life.

Porsha’s sister Lauren is moving in with her daughter Bailey, so Porsha gets to be the cray auntie full-time. Lauren is a vegan, which is why Porsha decides to throw out ALL the meat in her whole house. Plus her Baconator. Porsha has a fridge and freezer full of organic meat and after pawing at all the meats, she just leaves them sitting on the counter to go play with something else. If this is how Porsha treats man meat, no wonder she’s single! Also, is salmonella her newest weight loss plan?

Porsha Williams goes baby vegan

In the middle of throwing all the meat into a trash bag, Porsha also ponders if she should still freeze her eggs – not the ones currently going bad on her counter, but the ones near her Yoni Egg (Full disclosure: In order to remember what that was called I typed “vagina crystal” into Google. I don’t recommend that!). Lauren warns Porsha that giving up all animal products is one thing, but what about the Hennessy currently fermenting her eggs?

Porsha is a hot wreck. That is all.

Moving along, Sheree Whitfield has a life coach named Jack Daniels. No affiliation with the potentially life wrecking beverage. [Disclaimer: Jack Daniels can also be a wonderful, refreshing, bad-decision affirming fun-ness juice). Sheree is there because she STILL hasn’t confronted Bob’s abusive behavior, and she’s never discussed it with her children. Even though it’s been on TV. Instead, Sheree is focused on Kairo’s delicious, thick and fluffy pancake making prowess! Jack Daniels gives Sheree homework to practice talking about her past so she can warm up to the idea of having this discussion with her children. Clearly, this is really painful for Sheree and I do like how open she’s finally being to the cameras, but her kids shouldn’t be forced to see this secondhand on Bravo! (Again).

Sheree's wig

OK, so all of this is very important. Very. But I have to admit I am more fascinated by Sheree’s hair in the interviews. What is that Hulk Hogan from the 80’s wig she’s wearing? (She-Ra Princess of Power?) That blonde two-tone mullet, which makes Sheree look like she works at a truck stop bar in the middle of nowhere, clearly has to be from the Kim Zolciak Wig Collection? Or borrowed from La Wigstra herself? Then there is that other look with the ginormous bun-thingy which looks like a croissant on top of her head. Usually I love Sheree’s elegant and sophisticated She By Sheree’ness, but all the Bob drama must be distracting her into fashion falters.

Sheree prepares to tell kids about Bob's abuse

Weirdly, Sheree borrows Kandi Burrurss‘ guest house – is it available on for rent on Air B&B or something? – to invite her friends “The Bone Carrier Group” to practice discussing Bob’s abuse. Apparently, despite the fact that Chateau Sheree is more enormous than the buns atop Sheree’s head, it’s not big enough for her to hide a gathering of friends where she discusses her past. Why can’t they just use Kandi’s actual house? Is she trying to use the guest house as a tax write-off by filming there? Maybe Kandi IS making it available on Air B&B?

Anyway, with Kandi pretending to be ‘Sheree,’ she leads the discussion to Sheree‘s friends, who are playing Sheree’s kids. Then Sheree took over and practiced being herself talking to her kids. I thought she did a great job – very honest and forthcoming about her concerns and fears. Maybe Kandi should turn her guest house into a retreat – like Kandi Fix My Life; a halfway house for hapless Housewives in need of direction.

Actually, maybe Sheree should rent the Chateau out on Air B&B!  I mean girlfriend always seems to be in need of extra income.

Kandi has her own problem though. That problem is obviously Porsha, who hasn’t addressed the whole drug and rape allegation, but instead is acting like easy, breezy, nothing’s wrong here, girl!

Kandi and Porsha are supposed to travel to Kenya for Shamea Mortons wedding, but mysteriously Porsha claims she can’t afford the $10,000 first class ticket. Even though Shamea is her childhood friend and supposed BFF, and Porsha is IN the wedding! Why, if you are requesting so many esteemed friends travel to Kenya, wouldn’t Shamea simply charter a plane? And just think of all the drama Bravo could milk out of Kandi and Porsha trapped on a private plane?!

The real problem is that Porsha has flimsy excuse after flimsy excuse for why she can’t get herself a ticket. Shamea simply wants Porsha to be honest with her about why she won’t come, but instead Porsha forwarded her some medical records and a doctor’s excuse explaining that she’s medically unfit to fly coach and she can’t afford the ticket. No one (me included) believes Porsha, with all her JOBZ, is that broke.

Kandi at Shamea's Bridal Shower

Kandi is relieved that she’ll get to enjoy a trip to Kenya without Porsha being all fake up in her face. Unfortunately, she has to endure Shamea’s bridal shower first. This bridal shower was billed as a classy afternoon tea, and classy it did seem, until the games portion of the afternoon.

Porsha predicted that no matter the ladies who lunch attire, Shamea would find a way to “turn up,” or turn classy into trashy and ass-y (literally). Like, one game involved putting ping pong balls in an empty tissue box, tying it around the your waist, and making the women twerk to shake the balls out of the box in a lovely game called “Shake What Your Mama Gave You.” The worst game was, tying a hot dog around your waist and having to dangle it above a Dixie cup with a hole poked into it. It’s called “Weiner In The Hole.” Sheree won that round. Poor Porsha, once the Hennessy turn-up queen, she’s lost her freakitude. But we all know Phaedra Parks would’ve shaken that tissue box until even Jesus couldn’t fix it!

Also, Porsha wore her WEDDING BAND and ENGAGEMENT RING as a fashion accessory to Shamea’s shower? That’s just in poor taste, basically jinxing your friends nuptials with your bad divorce juju. It’s also desperate. And if Porsha is so hard-up for cash, sell that thing!

Shamea's shower

After the games, the famished ladies gathered around the table for a lunch of feasting on each other. Which meant Shamea ripping into Porsha about her doctor’s excuse for missing the wedding. Porsha has low blood pressure, you guys, which means she can’t fly coach! At the end of the table, Kandi and Carmon snicker and mock Porsha’s nonsense. Really girl? Low blood pressure means you can’t even fly business class?

I mean yeah, my dog ate my vegan homework too.

Shamea and Porsha argue

Also, if Shamea means so much to Porsha, why wouldn’t she plan ahead and buy that first class ticket a little sooner when it wasn’t so expensive. Porsha was an actual bridesmaid in Shamea’s Dowry Ceremony held in Atlanta, but now she’s skimping out on the for-real wedding? Cause of LOW BLOOD PRESSURE. Shamea claims she’s sill counting on Porsha making a last-minute appearance, but after everyone leaves the shower, Shamea and Porsha get into an argument in the parking lot. Porsha is mad because Shamea chose to air all her dirty doctor’s notes laundry in front of the Kandi Koated Klique, especially after Porsha privately sent Shamea her medical records to prove she is so ill from The Vapors that she cannot get on a plane that is not the lap of luxury.

If Shamea wanted to read crap, she would’ve just read Sheree’s book. She tells Porsha their friendship has never been the same since Phaedra entered the picture. I just want to know what type of doctor Porsha has, because I need some of his treatment. Last season she was prescribed a friend with her at all times lest she get angry and her tempers upset her delicate constitution; this year Porsha can only fly first class like she’s married to an African Prince Kenya previously left at the altar. After Shamea calls her out, poor Porsha with her hurt feelings, decides she is forced to love Shamea at a distance since this friendship is too damaging to her psyche. And she has a doctors note that says that’s OK!

Finally, after about 6 minutes of being a Mrs, Kenya’s marriage is in trouble. Marc, this mysterious entrepreneur she married on a secluded beach, cannot take the sudden media spotlight of being Mr. Kenya Moore. PUH-LEASE who does Krayonce think she is – Beyonce?!

Kenya already having marital problems

According to Kenya, no one wanted her and Marc to marry, and he even fought with his own mother over their marriage. Now, he’s staying in NY to deal with businesses and she’s in ATL talking to her annoying dogs and, once again, petting an abandoned wedding gown with tears in her eyes.

Kenya is also confiding to her producer that all the mean people on the internet are ruining her happiness with their judgement and speculation that her marriage is fake. Kenya is the girl who cried marriage. She DID have a slew of rent-a-menz, so naturally people are going to assume this one is the same deal. Although I want her to find happiness, we’ve seen her fake relationships with Walter, some African “prince” who asked her for money on Craigslist no one ever saw, that guy she pretended to date from Millionaire Matchmaker until his wife put Kenya on blast, and I don’t know whatever the hell that mess with Matt was but she claimed he was The One too, and now all of the sudden she puts a wedding on Instagram and no one has met this man? Of course people are gonna have suspicions!

Kenya wails that she doesn’t want to get divorced before the ink on her marriage license is even dry. She doesn’t want to end up alone, with only King and Twirl to get her through. Porsha and Kenya should just move into Moore Manor together with their crazy delusions and be like the Ms. Havishams of Atlanta. I can’t with these two.


[Photo Credits: Bravo]