Last night was the season premiere of Below Deck Mediterranean Season 3. The scene is set among the beautiful Italian coast, but that’s where the classiness ends!
This year Captain Sandy Yawn will be steering a massive new boat and she has a matching massive attitude. The Motor Yacht Talisman Maiton, for all it’s sensational size, kind of resembles a Marriott on the inside; all dark, heavy colors and dreary overdone rooms. Perfect to match Hannah Ferrier‘s sulkiness as she returns, once again, to the life of a chief stew. Hannah is turning 30 and is tired of serving eggs for ungrateful guests while her own go stale. She is at a precipice and must decide to give up her heart to the high seas, or retire and find Mr. Right. Maybe she could combine these things by marrying a pirate?
Adam Glick is also back, and he still needs to shave his neck. DUDE – get a barber. After last season Adam disappeared, hermit-like, into the Pacific Northwest to mourn Malia. This new Adam has cut off his hair and apparently also cut out his heart then served it on a stone arranged with some raw fish and similarly colored fruit to prove his devotion to his craft. This is what passed for his enlightening discovery while living out of a van and off the land in Canada.
Adam says his cheffing has evolved past onions into something next level. Magic mushroom omelet? Also, I hate Adam’s hair and no amount of zen-camping can remove his smug face.
After being taken for a ride last season, and almost needing to use a life preserver on herself, Captain Sandy is not playing around. She makes it known to Adam and Hannah that any hinky (or kinky) business and they’ll be using their suitcases as a rowboat off the Talisman. Captain Sandy will also have her hands full with a new crew of famewhores, who are not just here for her exceptional leadership or rumors of Adam’s snacks on boulder cooked by the sun. Seriously – was it like raw tuna on a rock? Giving guests food poisoning sounds like an excellent way to forfeit your tip!
Anyway, like Malia, I need to move on from Adam. Proving his evolution, Adam intentionally refuses to see the new stews as women, only amorphous people with whom he must share microscopic living quarters. He will imagine raw fish on a rock every time he looks at Kasey Cohen.
We are greeted by Conrad Empson, the new babyfaced bosun, (“Babyface Bosun” sounds like a rapper name, so if this yachting thing doesn’t work out…). Conrad’s balls may have just dropped yesterday, according to his first mate, Joao Franco but he knows what he’s doing because been in yachting since he was 18. Hannah, sizing him up, Mrs. Robinson-style, sighs, “They keep getting younger and younger…” Maybe it’s Conrad she’s buying baby shampoo for?
On the deck crew, there is Joao from Zim, whose first name is unpronounceable to everyone. Also, everyone thinks he’s an Aussie – even Hannah – even though her parents are from Zimbabwe. Joao says yachting was his only escape from a tumultuous country with no opportunity. Right from the jump Conrad and Joao have problems – like when Conrad is attempting to explain the anchor drop to the other deckhands and Joao talks over him, then gives them the wrong color warning. Instead of shutting that down immediately, Conrad waits, politely and British-like, until Joao is finished, then says, “Please let me do the instructing from now on.” Except Joao now sees he can undermine Conrad and continues to do so.
The other deckhands are Jamie Jason, who hails from somewhere in Africa and describes her race as “beef stew with a bit of carrot.” Jamie has concerns about being left out of the boys club of deckhands and on her previous job was the stewardess – she has elevated from vacuum to shammy. Something about Jamie signals trouble as the season progresses. The requisite green deckhand is Colin Macy-O’Toole who came here right from driving the Long Island Ferry, bought about 2 dozen 1985 aerobics headbands from a guy selling them out of a duffle bag on the dock, then headed straight to the Amalfi coast where this knowledge of Italy consisted of a kee-ocky, a type of pasta he loves, but cannot pronounce. This one is sweet though and he’s also instantly sweet on Brooke Laughton, the first stew from the UK.
The new stews are Brooke, who is polite and professional seeming, eager to be Hannah’s right-hand woman after serving on a previous boat with Hannah’s best friend. Hannah is relieved to be rid of that pest Bugsy so she can lay down at night without knives in her back, but I wouldn’t be too sure just yet! Maybe Brooke is Bugsy in disguise and this explains why her British accent is so unintelligible? Brooke is also dating a chef from another boat.
And then there is Kasey. Bless her heart. Kasey is a beauty queen from Long Island who thinks the difficult and competitive world of pageants as made her invincible. This invincibility also comes from living at home with her parents who never let her lift a finger. So Kasey, a literal Long Island Princess, joins the crew of Talisman as 3rd Stew having never operated a washing machine and never actually ridden on a boat that’s left the dock. She’s immediately stricken down with seasickness so severe she’s puking into a plastic Rubbermaid bin (they don’t have buckets?!) for the entire first charter – or maybe she just had severe anxiety about using the dryer? Kasey also brags about her degree in psychology, so she’s ready to help these people! Kasey is going to be a crazy-ass disaster, also I despise the orange-y hair which is the same color as her orange-y skin.
Adding to Kasey’s invincibility is that the only drink she can make is a Jack and Coke. Um, classy!
Captain Sandy sits the crew down for an epic opening meeting where she promises to test them on the enormous binder she’s compiled of rules and regulations. After realizing that Captain Sandy is on seriousness steroids this season, Hannah and Adam’s first response is to have a glass of wine. That was fortuitous because the first charter is HORRENDOUS. And they will not be having any Jack & Cokes (although you know in their real life that’s what passes for fancy if you add a twist of lime!).
I mean, where – seriously – did they find these people?! (A: Atlanta). Main charter guest Nichelle runs a business management firm which is hilarious because she can’t even manage to corral her friend group into civil behavior aboard a 5-star yacht. It’s immediately apparent that there’s a disconnect because this group of single ladies sees themselves as the epitome of sophistication and taste and the Talisman is not befitting of them.
Their preference sheet basically reads like an alert – they don’t want red meat, chicken, rice, or pork. What they do want is nuts. Nuts of all kinds. Nuts of the honey roasted variety and also nuts of the man on super luxury yacht type. Within seconds of descending like a pack of wild hyenas, they start demanding non-stop champagne and NUTS. WHERE ARE THE NUTS. They must mix champagne with protein. It’s abundantly obvious why this group is sexually frustrated – especially the loudest and crudest among them, a woman with obnoxiously artificial red hair and the equally obnoxiously artificial spelling of the name Erica as “Areca“.
As Hannah has Adam preparing a classy fruit and cheese plate, the women are bellowing into their champagne glasses about waiting a nautical eon for NUTS. They could, I don’t know, enjoy the stunning views of Naples? The gorgeous sea air? Instead, they’re literally screaming and begging for NUTS. When they finally get their nuts, they’re unimpressed by pistachios and ask about honey nuts? Hannah should’ve dumped a can of grocery store Planters on them and said ‘You bitches are too nuts for any self-respecting nuts.’
While all this is happening Kasey is so ill she’s hovering over a plastic bin, vomiting, then stumbling half-blind to bed, so the negligent service can be partially explained by Hannah being one stew down immediately out of the gate.
After striking out with one kind of nuts, Areca decides she wants to sample the other kind by taking the dinghy out to visit the bigger yachts positioned nearby. She calls it a “hospitality check” but Conrad sneers that it’s “husband hunting.” The poor embarrassed crew is forced to load these screaming harridans into what is essentially a raft and putter over to these massive, even fancier yachts – probably occupied by their owners. Upon seeing Areca waving a champagne bottle, the crew of the other boat radios for the Italian equivalent of the coast guard. The women are forced to return, dejected, where Areca vents her frustrations by rudely telling Colin how to tie a rope off as Conrad rolls his eyes behind her giant red beehive. This woman is trashed and deplorable. Also the irony of these people offering ‘hospitality’… they need to be hospitalized for cray!
Dinner is the worst though. The absolute worst! Areca has a massive chip on her shoulder after all the nuts in Italy weren’t sweet enough. So she drinks. A lot. And complains even more. They’re fine with the salad course, but when Adam serves them a saucy fresh pasta topped with fish – in a bowl – mutiny breaks out because THEY DON’T EAT STARCH! Areca compares the food to something her dog would eat and refers to it as “slop”. Nichelle doesn’t eat out of a bowl! And it looked like a “lunch presentation,” not dinner. Nichelle wants something grander to match her self-perceived grandeur. At this point everyone is wishing the Talisman would turn into The Titanic, but even as the boat sunk these woman would be standing on the bow screaming “NUTS”
Hannah returns the truly delicious looking pasta dish to Adam and explains that they want him to come above so they can rip him a new one. He arrives as Areca is stumbling to help herself to the liquor cabinet. She demands the stews keep the wine flowing, then slurs to Adam that her idea of high-class presentation is a grilled cheese … with truffles. This is after she barked at Hannah that she doesn’t eat bread. This is as confusing as the pattern on Areca’s ill-considered maxi dress. Does she hope to hypnotize potential husbands before they can escape?!
Adam, if he is smart, slapped two pieces of sliced American cheese on Wonder Bread and sprayed that shit down with PAM. Nichelle rants about their higher expectations and expects Adam to deliver something better than a bowl of noodles – cause remember: they don’t eat starch. Except for that blonde woman on the end who asks if she can have some pasta “like spaghetti”. More pasta after sending the first pasta back for being just pasta. Adam gussies this pasta up by placing it on a plate. Just like they didn’t want bread, just grilled cheese. Also served on a
At 10pm Adam is placing up tuna, and toasted cheese sandwich with truffle, and then, finally, more pasta on plates. It all looks like Applebees entrees, but the guests finally seem impressed. Mostly with their ability to order the crew around like trained monkeys that jump when they say jump. I personally think, as someone mentioned on twitter, these guests were looking for excuses to be outraged to avoid paying a tip.
The next morning Nichelle puts on her businesswoman caftan to call a breakfast meeting with the group to address her concerns about the lack of sophistication. They are “used to luxury vacations” after all! Nichelle decides to talk to Captain Sandy. Below Brooke warns Adam and Hannah that something other than coffee is brewing upstairs. Somewhere on the Talisman a hungover Areca is still bellowing for nuts, and yet another champagne refill.
TELL US – ARE YOU EXCITED FOR THIS SEASON? WERE THESE THE WORST CHARTER GUESTS EVER?!
[Photo Credits: Bravo]