Below Deck Mediterranean - Kasey Cohen

Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: You Say Shellfish, I Say Hellfish

This season of Below Deck Mediterranean is turning into whatever the ocean version of a trainwreck is? The Titanic? An attack by one-eyed pirates with a taste for five-star cuisine. Anyway, it’s an high seas hot mess and Captain Sandy Yawn better get savvy about the impending crash of her $80M dollar yacht. There ain’t no smooth sailing ahead – especially with these shellfish-fearing hellfish onboard!

The most awful charter guests ever are still, unfortunately, demanding the entire crew stop doing things to make the boat run and go on a scavenger hunt for nuts. These women are nuts, and the only nuts they’re gonna get are walnuts – even though they are also seeking the male variety. Forever out of stock on Motor Yacht Talisman Maiton! Seriously – where do they find these people, I wonder, before learning they are from Atlanta and deciding they are probably somehow related to the Real Housewives from Hell.

Following a “day of concerns” primary charter guest Nichelle decides to confront Captain Sandy about the lack of attention to the preference sheets and the slop they were served from a bowl like dogs are given at the humane society. There was ONE asparagus spear, not even allowed to remain a spear, but diced into green bean shape – Nichelle expects better from her green veggies.

Slaughtered asparagus = Nichelle isn’t able to have the fun she deserves. She expects perfection. So do all of her friends – especially that one who spells her name like a Hook’d On Phoniks seminar and has perfectly naturally dyed clown hair! That one is also the nauticalist after studying 1990’s Ralph Lauren ads and an amateur-professional meteorologist. Because: the internets!

Nichelle also complains that, at times, Hannah Ferrier had a bitchy look. As if there is any other way to look at these women bellowing NUTS and screaming through Italy?

Exactly what is it with these people and food? Do they never get to eat – are they starving zombies, eyes trained only on the stewed brains awaiting them once they suck the life-force from unwitting chief stews. Unfortunately for them, Hannah has been around these seas many, many times and will not be pulled under by their nonsense. No one can prove her bitch face wasn’t resting!

After hearing Nichelle’s issues, Sandy confronts Hannah and Adam Glick in the calmest way. I’m actually impressed that she kept it together when we know it was her burning desire to freak the f–k out on Adam. He promises to pay more attention to the starch-free preference sheet and never again even serve cereal from a bowl. Bowls do not exist. Bowls are a dead vessel. Bowls are pariahs of taste and class. What about soup? We see you Adam, and for once, like what we see (except never that scruffy facial hair – ugh).

Hannah informs Sandy she has never been treated so disrespectfully by any guests – ever – including the Russian Mobsters she once stewed for. (Why are these people never the guests – Sopranos Of The High Seas is a show I am here for!)

Below Deck Mediterranean - Charter Guests in Capri

The guests will be spending the day shopping on Capri, and as the weather looks frightful Hannah expects them to be detained for a while. Thankfully! Kasey Cohen is still completely debilitated by seasickness, and has literally done nothing on board, so Hannah dispatches her to manage with the guests on land. Since Baby Boson Conrad Empson is tired of dealing with Joao Franco‘s interfering he’ll be capsizing captaining their dinghy. And making sure the champagne doesn’t spill on The Perfectionists.

The deck crew is having issues called Joao and his self-righteous attitude, lack of respect, and misplaced belief that making all Zimbaweeans look like pricks is a good idea. In America we have a little expression called “Check yourself before you wreck yourself.” Can someone translate that into ‘Zim?

Predictably, despite the unpredictable Mediterranean weather, it starts not just pouring but full-on monsoon ripping things off the deck – including all the glorious hot-glue gunned seashell centerpieces. While the crew is scrambling to get things locked down, the guests are enjoying a lunch of spaghetti in bowls and cheap wine – which they are all loving! And Joao is exploring Kasey, who he thinks is hot, but stupider than the buckets she’s been puking into. Doesn’t he realize pageant queens have to be like smart to handle the interview segment!?

Below Deck Mediterranean - Kasey & Joao

Here are all the things we need to know about Kasey. Literally. She is allergic to fresh fruits and vegetables, and latex. And she hasn’t had sex in 8 years – since high school where she only did it with one guy. Now she’s re-waiting for marriage. For the rest of her time on this show, she will be known as the pukey prudish pageant queen with princess fantasies. Joao takes this as an indication that Kasey is wanting him to re-pop her cherry. Because in ‘Zim they challenge authority. This guy gives me the T.Rav creeps. ALLEGEDLY. Apparently the #MeToo movement hasn’t hit Zimbabwe or Sandy isn’t providing sexual harassment training because while trapped under umbrellas together Joao proceeds to besiege Kasey with inappropriate comments, which he’ll later also make towards Brooke Laughton and finally Hannah.

Below Deck Mediterranean - Downpour

Stranded in the torrential downpour brings out the nice side of “Aerica” (not to be confused with the correctly spelled Erika), who treats Kasey and Joao to lunch. However, in a break from the storm as they’re scrambling back to the boat, she berates everyone about how they don’t understand weather and EVERYONE WILL DIE from lightning if they don’t keep their feet elevated or wear their Hannibal Lector suit. Logical, obviously.

The second she returns to the yacht, Kasey starts puking again. And since Aerica didn’t die of lightening, sharks, or underwater monsters yanking her into their briny depths, her bitchiness returns in full force as she confronts Hannah about some mysterious strawberry birthday cake supposedly listed on her preference sheet. Hannah is like birthday? Who? Wha? Then spent about 30 minutes trying to unfreeze her bitch face as a result of that 3 minute interaction of insanity.

Poor Adam, who is doing everything in his power to redeem himself at dinner – not for the guests, but because Sandy will be dining with them – is now saddled with the last-minute addition of a strawberry cake.

At least the guests love the table setting. Also, of course, course one is served in a bowl. Revenge – doggy style! But it’s soup. And you can’t serve soup on a plate – not even these bitches could argue with that. But there is one sad, soggy, blonde woman in a white dress who fears the soup and it’s clawy contents! She doesn’t like seafood. Especially not lobster.

Hannah warns the blonde that lobster and crab are the main course and asks if she’d like something else instead, which she agrees to. This poor woman seems overwhelmed by the concept of human language, though, so maybe she thought Hannah was offering her more wine? Perhaps she’s been living inside a seashell prison for the last 20 years. Or Aerica has been holding her hostage inside her discount Gucci handbag? In the kitchen Hannah checks the preference sheet and learns the woman lists seafood as one of her likes –  including lobster, shrimp, and about a zillion other kinds of shellfish.

Adam decides to defrost duck breast for her main course, but picky panties had no idea duck was edible and it scares her so much she now wants the lobster. She attempts to explain in some whiny Fraggle language of squeals and gestures until all the other women – who are actually (!) loving their entree – start speaking over her to friendsplain her food issues. With Sandy looking on the blonde claims she indicated her dislike of shellfish on her preference sheet, but it actually only says eggs. Oops! At this point, just wanting to enjoy her crab-stuffed lobster before it gets cold, Sandy runs downstairs and grabs the sheet to show this dithering blonde worm-creature that she actually SAID she likes seafood. This comes as a shock to her. Like maybe she’s using a different personality than the one that filled out that sheet?

Eventually, after a game of choose-the-fish-creepy-blonde-will-consume, she ends up with a lobster that has not been stuffed with crab and she feebly requests that everyone stop talking about her eating. Gladly! The next morning she is starving and requests prawns for breakfast, which she apparently doesn’t realize are just shrimp!

While the dinner drama was taking place, Kasey was still too pukey to get out of bed so Jamie Jason is forced, once again, to migrate from deck crew to third stew and do the cabins. Kasey pops her head out from under the covers where she is dreaming of eating strawberries to overhear Jamie sobbing in their bathroom about being back on housekeeping.

As the guests leave, Nichelle confronts Sandy with some ideas for how she could improve service – namely more attention paid to preference sheets. If looks could kill, Hannah is a Russian Mobster with an itchy trigger finger. Of course the meager tip reflected the guests ‘days of concerns.’

With the guests gone Sandy decides it’s time to send Kasey ashore for some medical attention. Otherwise she’s off the boat permanently. Kasey returns diagnosed with dehydration and prescribed anti-nausea pills. Just in time for a raucous night out with TONS of dehydrating liquor!

Poor Brooke is doing an exceptional job, and Hannah could not be more appreciative, but underneath Brooke’s agreeable (re: I will stab you with a mascara wand in your sleep) demeanor, she’s having major problems with her boyfriend who doesn’t trust her. Or he’s already cheating…  They lasted about 6 days before he dumped her via text. This is of interest to Joao, and also apparently Colin, who collections shoes. He reveals to Brooke that his most recent girlfriend ‘ghosted’ on him. Or else she was buried in a crapalanche of his sneaker collection… Colin reminds me of something from The Island Of Sodor (Thomas the Tank Engine reference there! Yes, I’m a mom).

After many, many drinks and the most amazing cheese platter I’ve ever seen (did it have POTATO CHIPS on it?!) Brooke winds up drunk and bawling to Hannah in the bathroom. Meanwhile Joao spills his drink all over Kasey’s crotch, and boy does he give a valiant effort wiping it up! Kasey, who forgot what it’s like to be touched down there, is amused by his paltry effort to get her wet, so Joao switches his affections to the distraught Brooke.

Meanwhile Hannah is robbing the cradle with One Direction Reject Conrad. Or at least she’s tipping it!

Below Deck Mediterranean - Joao

Everyone is having fun until they’re on the bus back to the dock. After attempting to dry-hump Hannah and Adam and being rejected, Joao starts drunkenly ripping Hannah for being a 30-year-old washed up loser who isn’t his boss, and Adam has to intervene.

Below Deck Mediterranean - Hannah Farrier

Have I ever been on Adam’s side before last night’s episode? No, I have not, but first time for everything! And unlike blondie who wouldn’t try the duck breast for fear of new things, I will try to like Adam. And I definitely relish him NOT being the creepy one for a change!


[Photo Credits: Bravo]