Last night’s Below Deck Mediterranean was a Las Vegas all you can eat buffet from guests who treated Adam Glick like a short-order cook instead of a professionally trained chef! (Have I ever felt bad for Adam before? Did he deserve it after last season’s blatant disregard of guests’ wants?)
Anyway, the whole thing made me glad my puny microwave is the only automatic chef in my house!
I get it. These people, led by “Honey“ (the name of a stripper whose act is ‘baby spice’), are hungry and they are hungry in a very specific way, like for TOASTED buns and French fries with their steak dinner (that’s pomme frittes to you, mister!), and I understand they become hangry if their food isn’t perfecto, but they needed to drop anchor on their overly-entitled gullets.
So, it’s Honey’s birthday. And it’s appropriate that someone who has presumably never internalized the expression “Money talks, wealth whispers” chooses to be incredibly rude and self-absorbed during her Great Gatsby-themed birthday party. First, it took Honey and her group FOUR hours to prepare for the so-called party, which was only attended by the 7 people in their group. Their magical costumes consisted of some cheapish looking prom gowns and Farrah Fawcett hair. Does not compute… I also noticed that one of the guests was wearing giant platform heels on board but Hannah Ferrier didn’t THROW herself, sobbing, on the shoes remembering the torturous night she spent scraping shoe marks from the carpet until she had blisters! BLISTERS!
While the guests were staring into their mirrors, telling themselves to search for the green light at the end of the dock where the fairest man around awaits them, Adam was waiting on dinner. And waiting… and waiting… and waiting… until it was after 11 pm and he had essentially stood around picking boogers into the truffle mac and cheese (I hope!). Hey, he said he was picking his nose!
Adam blames Hannah for not hurrying the guests up – like she should have stormed into their cabins making stabbing motions with a curling iron? Instead, Hannah revamped herself into a French maid who speaks Luann de Lesseps “française” and is wandering around wearing a giant feather on her head.
Brooke Laughton is frustrated – she went all out for this party and wrapped the table in a giant satin bedsheet before sprinkling it with jewels and giant sequined “G”s. I think Brooke was confusing Fifty Shades for The Great Gatsby. And her centerpieces, just like the food and the main character of these books, went unloved.
The guests finally sit down, ooh and ahh for 15 seconds, and immediately demand french fries! Cause they must find complaints to justify the puny tip we all know they plan to leave. But how ’bout the speed in which Adam produced those perfectly fried and crispy fries. I was drooling. No wonder he’s so good with the ladies. French fries are the way to my heart.
Since the guests needed to travel to Cache Boutique (remember that place?!) and back to procure their Gatsby outfits, and that whole time Adam had to babysit dinner, Captain Sandy Yawn ordered pizza for the crew, which makes Jaoa Franco cranky. Apparently, he doesn’t enjoy all the fresh pizza Italy has to offer and it’s ADAM’s job to cater to him and his whims… Just like Joao caters so well to Conrad Empson? Also, if Joao doesn’t get his way, Joao starts announcing that he should take over people’s jobs. So have it, bro!
Things go from french fries to french fires when the guests demand sparkler candles for Honey’s birthday cake, and Hannah, after 30 years under the sea as the chief stew to the wannabe stars, apparently doesn’t understand how fire alarms work. Although I was assuming an actual fire happened – like Hannah dropped a sparkler on the carpet where the synthetic fibers reacted badly with the acrid fragrance of dryer sheets and foie gras making the mess burst into flames. But no, in her delirium of serving people food for 15 hours Hannah just lit them inside and the alarms went off.
Captain Sandy LIT UP, as if there were a fire! She literally pulled Hannah from cake service to lecture her on how badly she f–ked up. The guests barely noticed – they just wanted their cake. However Honey mentally made a note to detract $1k from their tip for slow candle action and fire alarms ruining her birthday song.
On the positive, the crew was so exhausted from playing step and fetch all day they slept through the fire alarm. Even Kasey Cohen, because her arms ache from loading the washing machine over and over… with Hannah’s delicates. (psssttt.. Hannah if you have such particularities about your ‘designer’ wardrobe wash it yourself – you’re sounding like the guests you profess to hate!)
Finally at 3 am Hannah retires, but Brooke and Jamie Jason are forced to stay awake until 5 am cleaning up the tacky Gatsby detritus and probably eating the cold, stale French Fries. I’m sure they got BLISTERS!
The next morning Kasey is on breakfast duty, which you just know will be the equivalent of the sparkler candles lit inside a confined space with no ventilation. She is so befuddled by making a Bloody Mary, that even Google recipes can’t help her so she has Joao wake up Hannah for backup. In the meantime, Kasey deploys the pageant skills of thinking of convincing solutions to world problems on the spot with a smile and a nod and decides to pour some vodka into a glass of tomato juice in the hopes the guest is too hung over to notice. FAIL.
Why not ask ADAM? Who is literally standing 6 inches away. Hannah, groggy and dreaming of sparklers stabbing her in the back, is furious that her sleep was interrupted for two guests and one elementary cocktail (the other wanted a glass of cold water which took Kasey 15 minutes to ‘make’) because Kasey can’t read The Google.
Ergo Hannah decides Kasey disgusts her like puked up pizza from seasickness. Even worse, Hannah starts having suspicions that perhaps Kasey’s resume is as obviously phony as the color of her hair…
At least Sandy apologized for freaking out over the sparkler. Citing PTSD from a fire a few years back that almost ruined her career, Sandy panicked. No one has time to dwell, however, because The Veruca Salts of the high seas have 32,000 breakfast demands – including FRIED RICE! – and then they want all day water sports! They want it, and they want it NOW, Han-nah!
The guests spent the day in bucolic bliss, insisting that every water toy be deployed so they can then glance at it witheringly, then rejected it while screaming “SPRITE” from the middle of the ocean. This requires Brooke to actually wade out to sea with a tray of drinks. That must become an American’s gladiator’s challenge!
Brooke, who is usually one emotion short of any sort of personality, is less reactively dull than usual as she monotones that she’s super upset about missing her sister’s wedding. No wonder she is feeling all sorts of “somebody PLEASE love me!” towards Adam – and tablescapes.
The other problem is that Captain Sandy has noticed that Conrad is distracted. He can barely make sentences and he’s just sort of staring off into the distance while Jaoa paddles out to sea delivering hovercrafts and deep sea disco suits. Sandy, who overheard Conrad and Hannah chatting at night, has suspicions that something is up. Basically Sandy doesn’t trust Hannah, she can’t say that so instead she warns Conrad to get his head out of the
Hannah clouds! Meanwhile Sandy gives Joao the wet dream he’s been looking by praising how hard he’s been working. Next Machiavellian Joao will shove Conrad overboard and yanking on the bosun polo!
After screwing up breakfast, Kasey is shoved back into the laundry room where Rapunzel dreams of letting down her chemically
orange golden hair and escaping Hannah’s delicates. Because yet again Kasey put them in the dryer! Hannah is enraged because her expensive designer wardrobe is being ruined!
Predicting that lunch will be another cluster f–k of toddler-like demands, Adam decides to literally cook everything PLUS the kitchen sink (which he deep-fried with umami and squid ink) in the hopes of shutting these guests up. Hilariously the one guest, a greasy gigolo type who was rejected from The Situation‘s entourage, starts complaining that there are no buns or hamburgers AS Hannah is setting them down. But alas – they got her; they found something wrong: no mayo! Also, Adam doesn’t have a ledger indicating what is vegan and what is kosher and what is made of pure solid edible gold so your poop glitters!
As Hannah is fetching more soda after soda the guests realize they’ve never once said “Thank you” so they invite her to hang out next time she’s in LA, where they promise to have their maids and butlers do all the fetching! Hannah can’t decide what’s worse: their proposition, or hanging out with Kasey in the laundry room instructing her for the umpteenth time NOT to put her delicate ponchos in the dryer! (Or watching Kasey run water over the same plate for 15 minutes.)
Also, this “lunch” is taking place at 3:30p and the guests still expect dinner. Specifically a Shabbat dinner.
Captain Sandy, hoping that she won’t have to promote Joao to boson then train him on how not to sexually harass the captain during docking, seeks to remind Conrad of the glory of the water over ummmm… wet pu$$^(?) by inviting Conrad onto the bridge to drive the boat. He feels that love, then Hannah commanders him for a smoke break and all of Sandy’s warnings end up on the bottom of the ocean. Don’t worry – Joao is ready to assume command! And no one will be eating pizza.
For dinner, Brooke sets the table with blue shells and other strange beads, then decides it doesn’t look “very Jewish” – she’s off her game with the sadness of missing her sister’s big day. Also, Kasey is no help whatsoever. None of that matters though because the guests are cranky that their steak is cold and make Hannah return it to the kitchen. Adam does a touch test and points out that it’s STILL HOT, but he reheats it anyway. However Honey worries she might not have gotten a kosher piece on the return journey and refuses to eat it, claiming it “wasn’t good.” The vegan guest is also convinced Adam is secretly slipping butter into his food. If you suspect “the help” is sabotaging your food then subconsciously you know you’ve been a horrible demanding twat who deserves it.
On their last morning, like sociopaths who enjoy watching their captives jump when they say jump, the guests eke out their power to wield control until the very last second. Unfortunately, Kasey is uncontrollable because she has no idea what she’s even doing – like she forgets to actually set the table before delivering the requested VEGAN French toast.
Conrad though, unexposed to Hannah yet on this fine morning, is back on his A-game so docking goes perfectly. Sandy is impressed and more determined than ever to steer Conrad the right direction.
As the guests depart Honey invites them all to call her in LA, then admonishes them for cold steaks and saying “absolutely” too often while making them wait a fraction of a second too long. The tip, predictably, is light.
With the guests FINALLY off the boat, Hannah heads to the bridge, which Kasey can’t locate without a guide, and investigates her resume. She learns Kasey hasn’t merely embellished, but flat-out lied about her skills. She actually listed “bartending” for instance! Kasey may not have that barista training like she claims, but the bikini pic attached to her CV was all the producers needed to decide she was right for the job!
Later on, the crew night out Hannah tricks Conrad into taking their relationship public when she starts kissing him and rubbing all over him in front of the crew. Conrad looks petrified and worries the crew won’t respect him now.
Meanwhile, Brooke drools all over Adam’s cold steaks and tries to entice him by letting her know she’s no uptight English prude – she gets freakier than a conch shell mixed with tulip in a table scape. Except this is why Adam lives in a van. So he can avoid complicated mismatched decor entanglements.
Finally, Joao continues his stalking of Kasey, but she seems to have transferred her affections to the lovely Colin Macy-O’Toole. Or maybe she just hopes he can keep her safe if Joao pounces. In the world of high-end superyachts, it’s a high-stakes game of hearts!
TELL US – WERE THESE THE WORSTS GUESTS YET? DID SANDY OVERREACT TO THE SPARKLER? WILL HANNAH RUIN CONRAD?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]