Below Deck Mediterranean - Hannah & Joao

Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: Taste The Rainbow!

Why are so many people unhappy on Below Deck Mediterranean? From the crew to the guests – why must all these interlopers to the bucolic scenery, ancient towns, and stunning blue water bring their cloudy, crusty, rosè tears, tequila tantrums, and salty swimsuit bottom dramas?

WHO LOOKS FOR REASONS TO COMPLAIN AMID ALL THAT BEAUTY? Well OK, I could see being unhappy with Joao Franco, but I can’t see willingly exposing yourself to his predatory nonsense ergo looking for reasons to be unhappy with him (I’m looking at you, Brooke Laughton and Kasey Cohen!).

As for everyone else being so sad – maybe it’s the realization that they pale miserably in comparison to everything the Mediterranean has to offer, which brings out the worst in these people. They are all the gumballs gunking up the deep blue sea.

Well, at least the Below Deck crew got one set of good guests! The departing charters are lovely people who just want to do what normal wealthy Americans do when on vacation in southern Italy: sunbathe, eat good food, and enjoy the gorgeous scenery. So even though Hannah Ferrier caught Kasey lying on her resume about how she was once a server on Titanic and also ironed Queen Elizabeth’s indomitable pantyhose, things mostly went swimmingly. Proof being that the charter guests handed over a whopping $21,000 in tips. However, do not take that as an indicator that things are looking up!

For starters, Joao continues to wind his tentacles round Conrad Empson‘s job. He has barnacled himself to Captain Sandy Yawn‘s good side through sucking up and creepily smiling a lot when Sandy is looking. So, while Conrad has been flirting with Hannah, and taking far too many smoke breaks with her (seriously – quit smoking, kids! That + sun = holy premature aging, Batman!), Joao has been giving his attentions to Sandy. Kasey has also followed his lead and her sudden desire to look busy has Sandy acting her like poor whittle Kasey is working-oh-so-hard-t0-learn but big, bad Hannah is mean!

Kasey Cohen

At the post-charter meeting, Sandy goes so far as to give Kasey a round of applause because she’s improved “110 percent” because Sandy noticed her serving breakfast without dumping waffles onto someone’s weave. Holla! This, understandably, infuriates Hannah and after the meeting wraps she storms out muttering about how Kasey is a psychopath. Hannah mad!  Instead of explaining that she’s just trying to encourage Kasey for the good of the crew, Sandy snaps at Hannah for continuing to obsess over that little fraudulent resume nonsense. I mean, GAWD – if Hannah would just train Kasey better none of this would be an issue. Sandy should’ve taken this opportunity to explain to Hannah that it’s cheaper to keep’er, and that she’s noticed Kasey improving likely because Hannah’s work has paid off, but Sandy – I love you girl, but leadership… not your strong suit!

Hannah is already feeling like Cinderella, and has a pathological need to run around talking about how busy she is to anyone who will smile vacantly in her direction, which means she has no time to “teach this girl how to iron.” I also disagree with Sandy that Kasey’s lie is no big deal. Sandy, at the very least, needs to sit Kasey down for a stern talking to and explain that they’re giving her a chance. Also Sandy is DELUSIONAL if she thinks Pukey McPageant Queen has been giving it her all! Kasey basically sat out the first two charters with her head in a Rubbermaid bin, so when exactly was Hannah to train her on service? Secondly, breakfast has been consistently a disaster! Hannah’s biggest mistake was not informing how much of a mess Kasey was as while it was happening, because waiting until after the resume discovery gave Kasey the importunity to do damage control to make it look like she just really wants to work and is trying her best.

Anyway, worser than all that is Joao. Just Joao. The worst guy in the Jaworld. For some odd reason, the crew decides to do their night out in an uber fancy Michelin-starred restaurant where Adam Glick orgasms into the cauliflower puree and doesn’t even realize it blends so smoothly. All the other guys made a pact to wear flannel and slouch as they picked at minuscule bites of gelatinized pizza. While Adam simultaneously castigates himself for not comparing as a chef (and for wearing a grimy t-shirt to a gourmet restaurant) and crying about how good everything is Joao, Brooke and Hannah are drinking. Actually “guzzling” or “chugging” is probably the more accurate description. They were housing $200 bottles of wine like cheap beer at a frat party. You know that means bad things will happen, right?

Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: Taste The Rainbow!

Despite despising each other Hannah and Joao are sitting next to each other, while Conrad, wearing flannel and looking like he’s out with his parents for a forced fancy dinner, is across the table. Joao tries to cheers with Hannah, and she half-heartedly clinks glasses while not meeting his eye so he decides to curse her with the hex of ‘Zimm muttering that he hopes the drink feels like nails down her throat. Now I don’t think he really wanted her to eat nails, (maybe?) but Hannah decides this means Joao wants her to become possessed by the devil until she chokes to death on her own tongue or the broken glass that he shatters practically in her face. Oh yeah – he did that! While Hannah was telling Brooke about the nails comment, Joao, watching from across the table, grips his wine glass so hard the goblet shatters and explodes. Or maybe the menacing expression in his eyes was so intense it caused the glass to spontaneously combust. Either way – if that doesn’t say “Patrick Bateman Lives Here and is PERNICIOUS” I don’t know what does.

Instead of running back to the boat and hiding, like I’m sure Joao hoped she would, Hannah made out with Conrad and then vowed to destroy Joao. Meanwhile, Brooke got a different kind of pissed and found herself making out with a wine bottle Joao stole from the restaurant while trapped in an awkward menage-a-trois taxi ride with him and Kasey. Kasey does not get how these fling things work. She tries to corner Joao about choosing between flirting with her or Brooke because to Kasey a flirtation means that Joao has elected to make her his mate. Which is so what his dad with her mom, and in case you hadn’t heard they are the greatest love story ever told. Kasey, pssst… Joao is just a frog; he’ll never turn into a prince! Or even a semi-decent guy.

While literally everything is happening – everything, period, Jamie Jason is drinking chocolate milk and laughing hysterically and Colin Macy-O’Toole is showing off his white surrender flags in the form of his stark white upper thighs. It’s the yachting version of a farmer’s tan. I love these two!

Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: Taste The Rainbow!

Things go from awkwardly psychotic to straight up awful at the club. While Kasey sulks next to Adam, ruminating over the sous vide’d lasagna and the dry iced risotto he is now inspired to create and how it’s all Hannah’s fault his food isn’t Michelin starred, Kasey is ruminating about Brooke and Joao drunkenly dancing and snuggling. Until Brooke literally passes out in a chair wrapped in Colin’s flannel. Flannel Watching 2018!

Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: Taste The Rainbow!

Hannah tries to take a selfie of herself posing next to passed out Brooke when Joao leaps up to defend her honor. Like Hannah, I find Joao’s sudden attack of the morality hypocritical. Almost as hypocritical as Hannah’s umbrage. Hannah smacks Joao’s hand causing his drink to actually pour onto Brooke’s somnolent form. Then, because he cares about women, Joao calls Hannah a slut and Conrad shouts in his face. It’s a circle jerk of misplaced honor defending!

Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: Taste The Rainbow!

Eventually, it is Conrad who helps Brooke to the van, then from the van back onto the boat, because he and Hannah are not just crew leaders they’re the parents of this psychotic rigamarole and after putting the toddlers to bed he moves into Hannah’s bunk permanently. How desperate must anyone be for sex that they would cram into that microscopic toddler bed, and do it in front of their bunkie’s sleeping form?

The next morning, Brooke is too hung over to move or remember anything so Hannah helpfully reminds her of how psychotic Joao is. Afterwards, Hannah has a talk with Joao about boundaries. It is decided, for the sake of the group, that they will ignore each other completely on nights out. Lest they ruin anymore of Adam’s premiere dining experiences! Later Hannah reminds Brooke again that he’s nuts, but Brooke considers Joao a friend, flirt partner, and hopefully something more. Hannah is aghast. I am too! “Awkward” admits Brooke. Indeed!

Then it is work, work, work; Joao, Kasey, Brooke, Joao until the next guests arrive. And guess what – they’re dumbballs who want gumballs. On the preference sheet, one of the guests requested GUMBALLS (all caps) but she did not specify a color choice – this is important for later, so remember this clue, kids!

Before the new guests arrive Conrad takes Hannah out on a date. Yadda, yadda, yadda they both feel there’s real potential there despite being in different places in their lives. Like Conrad was potty training when Hannah was doing the rave scene. But the heart wants what Captain Sandy doesn’t, so let the make-outs commence!

Suddenly Adam envisions himself a Michelin-starred chef, which means Hannah has to manage service better to make Adam look more profesh. Adam now wants the menu typed up before each meal. Why I don’t know… maybe because Hannah tells the guests they’re eating white fish, no matter what. Like even for a snack or while they’re sipping on all the grapefruits Kasey practiced her juicing on.

The primaries are here celebrating their 10 year anniversary. They want food, and toys, and obnoxious cliches like dubbing the master suite “where the magic happens.”

Gum Balls

Immediately GumBall Sue starts demanding what else? She likes all gum balls but the white ones and SURPRISE! Hannah has only put out the white ones! While the crew is forced to dig around in every crevice to find colored ones, the guest presents a dissertation on why she loves gum balls (“I dunno, they just make me happy” and other deep thoughts). She is rewarded with the colored ones. Thankfully there is no incident erecting the slide. So, progress.

Instead, there is dumb-balls Conrad radioing Hannah to take a smoke break together. Captain Sandy watches on as they sit too close and blow second-hand smoke back and forth. She is unimpressed by their lack of professionalism – especially as they are in leadership. I agree!

After all Adam’s revelation about high-end and complaints about how Hannah doesn’t elevate his chefery sufficiently, for lunch he serves PIZZA and GRILLED VEGGIES! Sure, it’s delicious but it’s hardly putting waves in the Mediterranean food he serves…

Things are going reasonably well with the guests until dinner. One guest is prohibitively late, leaving the others waiting, finally arriving looking like she just got up from a nap instead of layering 6 coats of mascara on. Hannah has been communicating diligently with Adam and warned the guests that Adam would need about 10 minutes for dinner once they all sat down. When she gave the go-ahead, literally 5 minutes later the guests were complaining about starving and wondering where the food is. Which is partially their fault as they requested just a main course, no appetizers. The primary gets so hangry he goes down to the kitchen – at the 8-minute mark – to wonder just what planet dinner is being delivered from. Adam, of course, has his rage directed towards Hannah. But for once this wasn’t her fault! I bet the one guest will be disappointed that gumballs aren’t being served 3-ways and with a fresh sauce in a rainbow of colors. I mean… stretchy sugar is a main course, right? It’s molecular gastronomy! 5-stars.

Also, why are Kasey and Brooke so desperate to secure Joao’s attention that they both openly ask him why he doesn’t like him more? NO! NO! NO! Go take your sexual frustrations out on chocolate milk!


[Photo Credits: Bravo]