Hannah with Kenny

While Hannah Ferrier was lazing in bed, having GrubHub show up food delivered by adoring servants and generally ignoring her responsibilities, everything else on Below Deck Mediterranean was smooth as a rubber slide covered in dish detergent!

The guests – the infamous, notorious, dastardly anti-onionists Kenny and Amber were happy, the crew was unified, Conrad Empson was able to set up the slide without a powerpoint presentation from Joao Franco, and even Kasey Cohen managed to activate the coffee machine without a Willy Wonka like explosion. The common denominator here has to be Hannah – either that or the no onions. There’s no way I’m blaming Jamie Jason for anything.

Brooke Laughton

Sweet, clueless (or is she?) easy to blush Brooke Laughton has come into her own, out from under Hannah’s cigarette-stained thumb. In record time Brooke throws together a beach picnic that looks like your basic summer barbecue except for the mesmerizing Mediterranean view. Actually, I think, that for once, Brooke’s tablescape looked kind of lovely. Sure, it was all Michaels does beach party, but I mean last week we had a decapitated unicorn lying on an abandoned pageant dress, so… Needless to say, a Brooke without Hannah (or a Brooke in love) is a Brooke who lays down a seashell table with style.

Brooke says Hannah is the laziest crew member on Below Deck Mediterranean

Adam Glick is also on his game. The power of the #NoOnions hat, which Amber is also sporting as a helpful reminder, has him laser focused and whipping up salads galore. There was pasta salad, caprese salad, green salad, word salad, and the awkward sandwich of Brooke, Joao, and Kasey all served beside hot wings. Yes, HOT WINGS?! On the Amalfi Coast. I never know about these guests, but if I came to Italy I would not want to eat Buffalo Wild Wings – even if they were artisinaly marinated with seawater in Adam’s croc. Surprisingly though Kasey and Brooke are able to put all their differences aside and work together to get the job done. If only Captain Sandy would follow their influence and stop harping on Conrad for his poor choice of companion!

While Kenny and Amber are guessing that Brooke and Joao are sharing a cabin (wink, wink) at the beach picnic Conrad and Colin Macy-O’Toole are erecting the slide of doom. Conrad decided he will not be spotted sidling in and out of Hannah’s cabin, playing nursemaid. Adam, hand-delivering ham sandwiches, can play that role! Adam knows from experience that it’s better to stay on Hannah’s good side. Sandy isn’t sure who this crew is, but she’ll take these doppelgängers over the Hannah-induced nightmares who were previously running this show.

Kasey Cohen

The guests return to the yacht for water sports, then hours of drinking in the hot tub and it’s as if Kasey miraculously received that silver service training – she’s pouring wine and mixing drinks like the bartender she professed to be!

As if to test the waters of Conrad’s new devotion to work and see if he’s truly got his head in the game, Sandy decides to move the boat to an area with less wind. The caveat being that she wants all the toys to stay in the water! Conrad’s solution was to hitch the slide to a tender and tow it through the open water, then reconnect it to the Talisman. Joao did not approve. As always he has an opinion that is contrary to everyone else’s but can’t keep that douchey opinion to his douchey self! Without hearing Sandy’s earlier request Joao argued to deflate the slide and pull it onto the starboard. So Conrad told Joao in no uncertain terms to “shut the f—k up,” and Conrad’s testicles descended the way I imagine a baby octopus’s tentacles unfurl as he grows up.  Obviously, Joao is gonna seek his revenge – know that – but for that one brief, shining moment Conrad wasn’t the shriveled, dried-out starfish in Hannah’s crappy centerpieces, but a boss asserting his authority.

Joao Franco argues with Conrad

The boat movement and slide reattachment managed to impress Sandy. Go, Conrad. So yes, Joao, do shut. up. Strangely Brooke brings out Joao’s softer side as he gently asks her how her day is going, sneaks in little snuggles and kisses, and actually seems content. This too gives me a squeamish feeling inside. Joao, the man Kenny dubbed “Ice” after a geriatric Tom Cruise movie – is going to do something bad, very soon.

Dinner was late because Kenny and Amber slept it off and ended up being more than an hour late while the other guests waited. The chaos is minimized by Brooke calmly keeping an exhausted Adam informed of everyone’s movements while giving Kenny a wakeup call, then preparing coffee. I can’t imagine eating at 11 pm, but I also can’t imagine drinking for nine hours on top of water sports, so what do I know except that if guests are going to be waiting for the main course Adam needs to, as the pro basketball player suggested, put out some appetizers. Adam – this is the Mediterranean: a cheese course perhaps?

Below Deck Adding Another Show To The Franchise! 

Honestly, what is all this fuss about how Kenny and Amber are SO CHALLENGING? They seem impossible to displease. All they want is good food without onions, plenty of drinks, and to splash around in the water!

The next morning Hannah and Jamie are out of bed. Jamie is still coughing up a lung, but tired of being cosseted away and missing all the drama. Except, ha! Even with THE MOST DEMANDING GUESTS EVER there is no drama. Until… duh, duh, duh… Hannah appears. A refreshed and effervescent Hannah is back to assert her authority and be the celery that mixes pepper into the Bloody Mary. Hannah’s first target is Brooke. Brooke knows there is tension and that this tension isn’t going away until her relationship with Joao does, so she just tries to avoid interaction.

In seconds Hannah is gossiping to Kasey about how Brooke is ruining her life by trusting Joao, as f they’re getting married at the next port. Next, she is on the radio telling Conrad one thing, while Captain Sandy is telling him something opposite about what water toys need to go out in what order. Kasey, remembering that Hannah tried to have her fired, didn’t fall for her nicey-nicey, buddy-buddy act. Poor Conrad did though.

Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: A Three Hour Tour

With Hannah off convalescent leave Sandy instantly forgets all of Conrad’s achievements from the previous day! She instantly notices the change and in front of Kenny and Amber, the always-professional Sandy argues with him about why he’s not following her instructions. Sandy rails that the problem starts and ends with an H!

Hannah is a wily one though, and knows how to ingratiate herself to the guests while plotting to sneak in a romantic date for herself and Conrad outside of Sandy’s scrutiny. So she thinks! She connives to take Kenny, Amber, and krew over to the island for a cocktail, then to set up bar on the tender for a three hour cruise. As three hour tours always go it ends in disaster! Hannah promises Sandy that the plan is to stay only for a toast, then return to the yacht while Conrad drives them around.

Instead, Hannah and Conrad took an extended smoke break amid stunning scenery, then Hannah spent hours partying on the boat with the guests, joking and relaxing as Conrad drove Miss Not So Fresh As A Daisy through the Amalfi Coast like a tourist. You GUYS, Hannah needed this relaxation and fresh air – as a treatment for her anxiety!

Sandy looks for Hannah

As Sandy wonders where the hours and Hannah have gone, her rage increases until she threatens to fire Hannah! After all, she took an entire day off to nurse her hangover mope about Conrad while Brooke worked 21-hours picking up the slack. Brooke should’ve been the one out with the guests instead of Hannah! Out of radio range, Sandy tries calling, but it goes to voicemail so she calls Conrad to demand he return Hannah to the boat AT. ONCE. Suddenly Hannah is no longer the old woman in the discount designer shoe, the granny among toddlers, but the girl who defied curfew and is grounded. When she comes back on board Sandy is too angry to even speak and sends Hannah to her cabin while she decides whether or not to fire her.

Hannah & Conrad

The worst part is that Kenny, Amber, and the other guests were having a great time and that all got ruined by Sandy’s anger at Hannah. Hannah was totally in the wrong, and does deserve repercussions, but I think Sandy’s personal animosity is interceding in her ability to respond professionally.

Well, Hannah was wondering if she should leave to seek help for her anxiety that Conrad might abandon her like all the other men in her life – maybe Sandy made the decision for her!


[Photo Credits: Bravo]