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90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Blindsided

At a time when many of us can’t seem to agree on a lot, we can all come together to shake our heads and laugh our booties off at the good folk of 90 Day Fiance: Before The 90 Days. Last night, six couples continued their journeys – some abroad, and some right here at home, perched awkwardly on the trunk of a tree. As one does.

Before we get to that particular Connecticut/Amsterdam disaster, we catch up with Ricky first, who is still waiting for “Melissa” and for fanny packs to come back in style. He sits at the restaurant, two hours past their appointed meeting time, convincing himself that “Melissa” just needed some extra time to straighten out her hair/outfit/cover story.

Finally, Melissa throws Ricky a crumb by texting a picture of a taxi – with no human faces in sight – to ensure she’s on her way. And now the moment of truth arrives: “I’m here,” she writes next. And wouldn’t you know it – SHE’S REAL! And she looks like her photos! What the hell is happening?!?!? Oh, you tricky tee-vee producers. You strung us along this catfishing line and it worked, at least on me. I’ll admit it.

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Blindsided

Ricky is relieved, we are stunned, and Melissa (whose name will now officially come out of the quotation marks of shame) looks more than a bit freaked out. “Feels like a dream!” cheers Ricky, Shallow Hal that he is, even forgiving the fact that Melissa is sporting a mouth full of braces.

Melissa giggles through some small talk with Ricky, accepting his depressing, wilted roses with a smirk while enjoying his attempt at jokes in broken Spanish. At least Ricky is giving it the ole’ college try, unlike Paul whose opener is “Will you please accept this STD test?”

“I think, honestly, my charm has won her over,” boasts Ricky, sure that this absolute stranger he’s never spoken to before is already in love with him.

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Blindsided

Rachel & Jon

Now that Jon has wiped the vomit from his mouth by French-kissing his future bride, he and Rachel make their way home with baby Lucy in tow. Rachel is living her dream. “That accent is killer!” coos Rachel, not concerning herself with this man actually being a potential killer. Jon seems freaked out by the presence of a baby and real, live girlfriend. That karaoke app did not prepare him for this. Also, Jon seems more than a bit confused about…well, everything. Okay, fine, I’ll say it: He’s got the crazy eyes. And, guys, he NEVER blinks. (Right?!?)

In the car, Rachel wishes she could sleep before meeting Jon’s mother. Lucy is also fussy after her long flight and car ride, and this family (or perhaps only Jon) has no idea how much an 8-month old is going to change their lives. “It’s a little bit mental,” admits Jon’s mom of his plan to bring a strange woman and child into their home. She just hopes Jon isn’t as “fickle” about Rachel as he’s been about many women in the past. Uh-oh.

At least Rachel is delighted by the baby room Jon has prepared for Lucy, and how much chemistry she claims they already have with each other. Jon is obviously overwhelmed, so Rachel decides to pile on more by forcing him to feed and burp Lucy immediately. Um, what the hell? Jon gives it his best shot, although his stress is admittedly through the roof.

No cup of tea in the world is going to fix this mess, but Jon’s mom makes him one anyway. “It’s been mad!” says Jon when mom asks him how he’s feeling with Rachel and Lucy here. He’s not ready for all of this, and it’s only been a few hours. Oh, Jonny Boy. What have you done? 

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Blindsided

After he wrestles with putting final touches on the crib, Jon comes to bed with Rachel. She’s insecure about her postpartum body but feels chemistry with Jon immediately. He thinks it will take time to build, mainly thinking, “My mum’s down there!” as Rachel looks longingly into his unblinking, petrified eyes. Ultimately, Jon evades her come hither stare by springing up to check on Lucy, who distracts them long enough to stall any chance at intimacy…for now.

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Blindsided

Angela & Michael

At the airport in Nigeria, Angela miraculously finds the exit, sees Michael, throws down her bags, and races toward him at full speed in a “Be Your Selfie” t-shirt. But wait! This ain’t the Angela he’s seen in photos! Michael’s face stays calm as he registers what’s happening, but his body language screams S-O-S. #AbortMission

Okay, he actually recovers quite quickly and throws his arms right around Angela, even though he literally wipes his mouth with a handkerchief after she kisses him. So, maybe we like this guy after all? He seems like a good guy, and let’s be real – his friends are the true MVPs of this story. Even though Michael admits Angela looks older than her photos indicated, he’s still happy to meet his meal ticket. He’s not thrilled to learn how horny Angela is, however, as she makes it known within the first five minutes that she wants to jump his bones.

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Blindsided

Michael’s fright continues to reach new heights as he drives home with Angela. She’s loud, she’s handsy, and she doesn’t even know what continent she’s on. “I don’t know the rules,” admits Angela, who doesn’t seem like she comes from big rule-following stock back home. At least Angela won’t have to follow any rules her first night, as Michael takes her to a hotel room instead of his very-Christian mother’s home.

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Blindsided

“She’s overwhelming,” sighs Michael as Angela tries to grab his junk in the hallway. OHMYGAWD. At least he’s thrilled with his MAGA hat, t-shirt, and Trump bobblehead, which will go nicely next to his shrine back home. “I should be able to cope with Angela for the next couple of weeks,” Michael tells the cameras with eyes that beg for rescue. “I mean, I should be…”

(Cut to Angela body-slamming him on to the mattress, where he’s going to be fighting the good fight allllllllll night long.)

“You’re a beast, Michael!” shouts Angela the next morning as she enjoys a post-coital snuggle with her Nigerian prince. “Last night was AWESOME!” she squeals before leaving to meet Michael’s mother for the first time. In the car, Michael instructs Angela not to lay the makeup on too thick – he wants her to take her face and “make it younger” for the village. LOL!

Once they arrive, Angela is immediately freaked out by everyone staring at her, but it’s Michael’s mom who should really be nervous. Because, ya’ll, she is about to get full-on Angela’d (next week).

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Blindsided

Paul & Karine

In Brazil, Paul sits by a coconut and ponders his life. Basically, it’s a mess. Karine thinks Paul’s fears about her being unfaithful are ridiculous, though. But because he holds all of the power in this relationship, she’ll end up taking a pregnancy test anyway. And lookie here! Paul’s already picked one up for her, shoving it right in her face as soon as he returns to the hotel. Who says chivalry is dead?

After the test is complete, Karine comes out with the proof: It’s negative, OF COURSE. Because Paul and Karine still don’t speak the same damn language, this news takes about 60 seconds too long to deliver. So, yeah, Paul’s a paranoid nutcase – we’re positive about that. He excuses his paranoia as a result of his former girlfriend becoming pregnant with another man’s child, to which I have to say, Have you met Sir Jon of the Crazy Eyes, yet? Because that dude does NOT care from whence babies cometh.

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Blindsided

It’s time for Paul to face his own mistakes now, though, and he’ll have to do it in front of Karine’s parents. They meet up to review Paul’s criminal past – blessedly with the help of a translator this time, so no finger-in-the-hole movements will derail the convo. As Karine’s cop-father reviews Paul’s paperwork, he learns about the arson charge and restraining order. Paul reminds everyone that these charges were “way, way, way back” and that he regrets his actions.

After explaining some details surrounding his restraining order (which did not involve violence), Paul is relieved to learn that Karine’s parents seem to accept him. They think he’s basically a good – if not VERY creepy – dude. “He never put his hands on me,” adds Karine…which is apparently a ringing endorsement? So, sure! They’ll allow him to marry their daughter. “Paul isn’t perfect,” says Karine, “but I love him.”

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Blindsided

Darcey & Jesse 

Oh, humanity! Why are these two still trying to make DarJess happen? IT’S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. Despite their obvious dysfunction, Darcey and Jesse head out to a park to talk about their “unbreakable” connection and celebrate their “union as one.” For real, these are the words coming out of Darcey’s mouth. After they kiss on the bridge and play nice for ten minutes, it’s time to discuss real sh*t.

Darcey worries about Jesse meeting her daughters, especially because Jesse is such a douche they argue all of the time. Jesse pinky-promises he won’t verbally abuse Darcey in front of her children, but he’s not ready to be a stepfather of teenagers. He’s only 24 after all.

–Quick pause in the recap to note that my third grader just ran through the room and screamed, “IS THAT THE BAD GUY FROM X-MEN?!?!?” upon catching a glimpse of Jesse. I did not correct her.–

It’s the morning of Darcey’s birthday, and she’s turning 43 (again?). She’s ready for marriage and a step-baby-daddy in her life, but Jesse isn’t even ready for a big boy haircut. Still, they insist on meeting Darcey’s daughters, who arrive in NYC from Connecticut for the awkward moment. At the very least, these tweens can get styling tips from Uncle Jesse, who is closer to their age than their mom’s.

On a boat ride later, Darcey’s daughters make small talk about Amsterdam and NYC versus CT, which is where Jesse will be hauled off to next. The girls obviously don’t see this fancy man as their new stepfather, but they play along and take smiling selfies with him anyway. But when Darcey obnoxiously screams “Family hug!” at the end of the ride, Jesse visibly flinches. (Or maybe that’s just the sunlight touching his skin? IDK how vampires work.)

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Blindsided

Tarik & Hazel

As Tarik makes his way to the Philippines, he bounces around to five connecting flights. Which begs the question: Did Tarik score this flight on Kayak.com for thirty-five freaking dollars? Why the nightmare schedule?!? Hazel has been acting strange lately via text, which she chalks up to being “shy.” Tarik hopes there aren’t shadier reasons afoot.

In Manila, Hazel tells us about her intentions. She’s poor, works ten hours a day for very little money, and has been looking for an American man to save her. Tarik “has a big house and a good job,” so he fits the bill. Hazel also has a 6-year old son who lives with his father. It’s unclear whether her son would come to the U.S. with her, but sadly, it seems like no. (Why?)

As she gets ready with her friend, Hazel gets a text that Tarik’s flight has been delayed in Bangkok. This worries her because Tarik’s ex-girlfriend is in Thailand, and she wonders if he’s really serious about coming to the Philippines after all. But all is well in the end, because after TWO DAYS of traveling, Tarik finally touches down in Manila. And yay! With friends and family in tow, Hazel is there to meet him. Tarik and Hazel hug, followed by Tarik immediately celebrating the fact that Hazel is even more gorgeous than her photos. “I have never seen anyone this beautiful in my life!” cheers Tarik as Hazel just awkwardly stands there staring at her hands.

90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days Recap: Blindsided

When producers ask Hazel if she’s attracted to Tarik, Hazel just evades. “Ummm, it’s different than online…but I’m happy he’s here because…um, it’s good for my future.” Well, folks, that about sums it up! Welcome to the calmer, maybe-gentler Anfisa 2.0. (Yo, Tarik: You better call Ramon.)

In the car on the way to a condo Tarik has rented for his stay in Manila, he laments the fact that Hazel hasn’t kissed him yet. Here he is already making her his daughter’s new stepmother (groan) and Hazel isn’t even sure if Tarik is trustworthy. She finally asks if he saw his ex in Bangkok? “No way!” he defends, hoping Hazel will learn to trust him – or at least look directly at him.

Hazel may not be in love with Tarik, but she is in love with this new condo – except it only has one bed! Once a pillow wall is assembled between them, Hazel finally agrees to sleep there. Next to Tarik and his hospital scrubs. “We are not cyber people anymore,” says Tarik, demanding that Hazel at least kiss him before bed. She makes it clear that NO SEXYTIMES will be had in this here bed (at least not yet) even though Tarik is being as creepy as possible in his advances. They say goodnight, and I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to see how the pillow barrier fared – or failed.

Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on AcastStitcher, and iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.

TELL US: CAN YOU BELIEVE MELISSA IS REAL?!? IS MICHAEL INTO ANGELA? WILL HAZEL WARM UP TO TARIK? IS JON IN OVER HIS HEAD? 

Photo Credit: TLC

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