Last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Orange County was jam-packed, wasn’t it? It went from a literal brawl over Shane of all things, to laughing and crying, and in between people were dating, divorcing, apologizing, and maybe even dating people who are using them for their money! People were also getting their livers probed by an alien from planet moon fingers. Which is perfect because Gina Kirscheheiter literally always looks like a character on Star Trek.
Tamra Judge is in her room, drawing hearts on her ankle boot or something when downstairs Gina is literally wrestling Kelly Dodd and Emily Simpson apart. Over Gina’s head, Emily screams “I’ll kill you!” I mean, it’s only warranted because Kelly called Emily’s husband, Shane, a “prick” a “pussy” and a “twerp” among others.
Now it doesn’t matter what Kelly said, because Emily ‘threatened’ to kill her (and she like SOOO meant it!) so now all of Kelly’s insults are null and void. This is SUCH a Housewives argument. To focus on the semantics, pick apart one word or phrase, and then make sure this becomes the argument everyone ends up having. Do they get training for this? Obviously, Emily shouldn’t have said she was going to kill Kelly in the heat of anger, but Kelly’s response was to demand Emily hit her, then insist her life was threatened.
Ugh. This is the type of response Housewives with behavior problems and unhinged mouths love (see: Singer, Ramona; Barney-Judge, Tamra; Dodd, Kelly; Glanville, Brandi; Moore, Kenya), because once someone semi-saneish is pushed to the brink and loses all will and ability to rationalize, and goes into full animalistic survival mode, the offending Housewife can point with glee that the other person is JUST AS BAD for making a threat – or maybe even worse. Then the instigator becomes the victim! Because Housewives aren’t allowed to be human or have human reactions.
What Emily said wasn’t right – not at all, it wasn’t – but it’s not like Emily screamed, “I’m gonna kill you!” then smashed her wine glass on the bar, sloshing Aldi Sauvignon Blanc all over Gina’s last season Louboutins, and then held the sharpened stem up to Kelly’s face. No, instead Emily pointed a manicured nail at Kelly and bellowed something illegible then went into the house and cried, while Kelly gloated about how she’s going to sue.
Meanwhile, Tamra is pissed she missed the whole thing but Vicki Gunvalson is relieved that, for once, even though the drama technically started over her, she wasn’t actually involved in the drama. After that near scrape with a death threat, she hugs Emily in solidarity over surviving her first Kellnado, then runs home to watch Seinfeld with Steve.
But Kelly isn’t done yet – she tells Tamra she heard through a very reliable source – the woman Michael is currently dating who used to date Steve – that Steve admitted he was only using Vicki for her money. Shannon Beador has a look on her face like she’s just eaten a tortilla chip that was once touched by David’s hands, or rubbed on his crotch because she’s just witnessed a Housewife crime. Alienation of confidences, I think they call it – let’s ask Emily, in case you haven’t heard she’s a lawyer!
Tamra is overjoyed to learn about the horrors of Steve. Well, she hasn’t eaten sugar in a decade she has to salivate over something! Isn’t this just hypocritical as hell? Last year she was ready to literally run Vicki over with a party bus for SPREADING RUMORS ABOUT HER MARRIAGE, and two days ago she was saying if you come for her marriage “GAME ON!” yet now she’s entertaining rumors about Steve? Steve is yuck, but I doubt anyone who isn’t Brooks Ayers-psychotic would put up with Vicki just for access to the exclusive Coto Community and some first-class plane tickets.
I predicted Tamra would be gas lighting Vicki all season; pretending to be her BFF again while secretly plotting to make her look bad around every turn. She does it again when she surreptitiously mentions to Vicki that she saw on Instagram that Brooks got married and looks terrible. She’s checking Vicki’s reaction just-so, so she can reignite the narrative of how Vicki still isn’t over him, but I so loved the two of them making fun on his fake cancer and laughing about it.
Speaking of, Vicki still has mad anger for the man who made her look like a “cancer scammer” on national TV. So much anger that she visits Dr. Moon of the Emotional Galaxy Police to get her liver prodded and have all the built-up resentment squished out. Errrrmmm, I’m pretty sure Vicki’s painful liver has something to do with all the wine and tequila she consumes, but what do I know – my Ph.D. came from The Bravo Institute For Hysterical Studies. The real reason Vicki was seeing Dr. Moon is that her ankle was swollen, and what a coinkidink – Shannon and Tamra are both in matching ankle boots! Vicki will not be left out of the sisterhood of the traveling ankle boot! If I were Shannon I would’ve asked to see some medical records…
The next day Tamra tricks Vicki into coming over to prepare her dinner, in exchange she tells Vicki what Kelly said about Steve. Tamra really must’ve been hungover if she thought it was a good idea to inform Vicki of this while she was holding a knife. Then Emily shows up and she’s still trying to piece together how she got Kell’d in battle. Tamra understands all too well – after all, not too long ago she too threatened to kill Kelly over her nuclear mouth. Tamra’s surprisingly sensible advice is for Emily to talk to Kelly and explain exactly what she did wrong, then expect an apology. Vicki had no advice – she was still waving a knife around and stabbing at the air while ranting Brooks.
Vicki should get over it, though, because in her never-ending birthday celebration (which will go on so long it will just carry on into the next year), Steve conspires with Michael to throw Vicki a surprise party and even flies her brother Billy out for the occasion. “I feel so popular!” Vicki trills, threatening that Steve better make her Mrs. “CHAVEZ” Lodge or else she’ll invent fraudulent medical records and tell everyone he’s crazy. Then Vicki pretends she’s too responsible and mature to handle tequila shots anymore… as if the Mexico girls trip didn’t just happen where she basically poured an entire bottle of Patron in her Birkin and drank straight from there.
Now some positives! Shannon went on a first date with someone the matchmaker set her up with, and she was so bashful and nervous that it was adorable. Isn’t it just like Shannon to be oldskool enough to use a matchmaker. Especially one who sucks. The guy turned out to be a crazy cat lady sitting at home crying over his ex-wife and ASPCA commercials, so the date went like a live-action Cathy Cartoon, but at least Shannon didn’t show up in one boot, one hooker heel. #Progress! Nor did she end up sleeping with an abusive grocer (ahem… Kelly!), or crying herself over David’s tortilla chip taunting.
Emily, regretting how she threw a tantrum worthy of a Brandi Glanville highlight reel calls Kelly and suggests they talk one-on-one. They meet at a cute cafe and Kelly wears a giant furry wrap to cover the chip on her shoulder, but Emily goes in diplomatically by admitting that she said the wrong thing and hopes they can both admit mistakes, apologize, and move forward without any more Shane’s getting hurt. Kelly shrugs, apologizes, and agrees to let it all go. Well, that was surprisingly adult after a completely childish argument! Thank you for that ladies.
While Kelly and Emily are working things out like they have a counselor at their disposal instead of Tamra Judge on Jesus Juice, Gina is throwing in the towel on her marriage to Mystery Meat Matt. Gina barges into Emily’s office, which came directly from an IKEA ad, and confesses that she knows she has to end it now because otherwise, she’ll end up like Shannon, bitter and acrimonious after dragging out a loveless marriage too long. This is surprisingly self-aware. Ae Gina cries, Emily smiles and nods vacantly while thinking of all the work she has to get done before going home to check on Shane’s bar homework.
After crying on the phone to her mom and revealing the divorce, Gina meets Tamra, Shannon, and Emily for drinks. She is emotionally raw, looking for an outlet, and unfortunately, she landed on Shannon. Big mistake. Huge.
Apparently, Gina is the only person still upset about Kelly and Emily’s fight. Maybe she has a right to be given that she was literally in the middle, physically separating them, but even after Emily said she and Kelly made amends, Gina accuses Shannon of encouraging Kelly to confront Steve, thus causing the altercation with Shane. Shannon insists that she was actually trying to talk Kelly into doing the right thing – and she was – so she’s shocked by these ALLEGATIONS.
Shannon is also not happy with Gina’s decision to divorce because an acquaintance’s opinion so-super-matters! Shannon like, Tamra and Vicki, all believe Gina should stay and work it out. Especially because she calls Matt her best friend and also says she still wants to have sex with him which is basically the only elements of marriage that matter, apparently. Who cares if they can’t stop fighting and have no life together except their three kids, whom Matt never sees. Essentially they’re already divorced! And what did trying to work it out do for Shannon? Shannon warns Gina that the split she believes will be easy will probably go downhill quick. How encouraging!
Anyway, the biggest issue is when Tamra decides Vicki is not in love with Steve because she was way crazier when she was with Brooks. Gina doesn’t agree. And disagreeing with Tamra is a deadly sin for which one will pay dearly.
Just for the record: I do think Vicki loves Steve even if a part of her pines for the unpredictable passion she had WITH Brooks, but not actually Brooks himself.
TELL US – DO YOU THINK KELLY AND EMILY’S ARGUMENT IS REALLY BEHIND THEM? DOES VICKI LOVE BROOKS? DID GINA MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE TO END HER MARRIAGE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]